At the age of 18 I spiraled down into a deep abyss of despair, people didn’t think much of me in the state I was in, I hung around with my fair-weathered friends just to get some of the dope from their table.
Most of the time I was alone, I had no self-esteem, after a while I wouldn’t hang around with them, I looked in the mirror and seen that my appearance had change because of the depression and that made me feel worse.
I became paranoid thinking that people were looking at my appearance, looking at my depressed face, I always had my head down walking the streets afraid that people would look at me, afraid that they wouldn’t think much of me.
When I was able to get money, most of the time I stole just to get drugs to relieve my pain, I was a pitiful sopping mess of mental anxiety.
What bothered me the most was that people could see it, I was afraid of people, I was afraid of engaging in a conversation, afraid they would see the hopeless mess of mental anxiety upon my face, afraid they would look into my soul and see the deep abyss of despair.
Then came the moment I was determined to end my miserable life, I took a long extension cord and tied it to the ceiling in the basement I lived, I stood on a chair very determine to hang myself, but then I seen the darkness in death and I was afraid of it.
I got off the chair, I was afraid of living, I was afraid of dying, the feeling of despair was unbearable.
Then it entered my mind, just a thought, the catholic priest’s preaching of Jesus Christ, could it be possible that He exists?
I looked up to the ceiling and I cried and I cried, my heart breaking, I managed to speak the words through all my crying and I said: “God if you exist I need help bad, I’m sorry for the way I lived my life”, that’s all I said with a small glimmer of hope in my miserable heart.
What happened in that moment in the deep abyss of despair in my mind is indescribable, a feeling of power, just small at first kindled in the pit of my belly, it rose to my chest and entered my mind, this powerful feeling of peace and healing flowed in my mind like a river and I was astounded that God is real and He exists.
I was full of Joy, of happiness, I was laughing with tears in my eyes, astounded that God is real, that He exists, my mind was blown, it was indescribable.
I looked up in all the astonishing wonder saying: “God you’re real aren’t You”?
I thought I had a treasure that no one could find, I thought I was the only one that knew that God exists but afterwards I knew otherwise.
I felt such hope of the near future ahead, I believed that God could do anything and He did according to His will.
I had such an urgency in my heart to read the bible, I felt that He would speak to me through it and He did, I started to read the New Testament and it seem the words came alive almost jumping off the pages.
It was astounding, to say the least.
I went out into the world and the world was bright to me, I felt so confident that I could do anything, I seen my fair-weathered friends but the dramatic change in me bewildered them and they were nervous of me, so I left them, I had nothing in common with them.
I sought out churches, christian prayer groups, told them of my experience and they all praised God.
