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need advice

struggling

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I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
 

Who Me

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London England
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have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot.

Can you clarify please just what is meant by,' be close', is she proposing that you be good friends who see each other often, but live apart, or is she proposing that you live together like brother and sister in the same house?


There is nothing wrong with either idea, except for your desire to, at some point to get married.

I think you need to talk to her and clarify the situation. Neither of you can fire tell the future, either of you could meet and marry your partner.

So any understanding you both have, at this stage in your lives has to be very fluid.

Be her ' friend ' but not to the extent that every spare moment is spent with her.
I would strongly suggest that you do not share accommodation or attend the same church.
Set boundaries so you are able to have a life apart from her.

If after twenty years you are both unmarried and likely to remain so, then you could talk about a different arrangement, possible sharing a house, etc

May I also suggest finding out about her background, family, previous relationship with boyfriends and close girlfriends.
How would her family view you as a nonsexual boyfriend?

Lastly what sort of work is she doing? Is she looking for a sugar daddy to pay her bills in exchange for a platonic friendship.
If you want more advice talk to the pastor of her church.
 

Fastfredy0

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Chandler, Tx
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Unless you will be more content of the conditions set out by the first gal than you could potentially and reasonably be with another woman ... I would move on to 2nd (3rd, 4th) woman.
(Short term pain, long term gain).

Besides, if it doesn't work with potential 'next woman', I don't see why you couldn't go back to first woman (you may even go back with more bargaining power).
 

Sweetvineshema

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From
Lagos
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Nov 20, 2020
I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
I love when you said that you don't want to regret your actions in future.

Ephesians 6:6 says not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart,

What does eyeservice mean?
What does men-pleasers mean
And what does doing the will of God from heart mean?
 

struggling

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I love when you said that you don't want to regret your actions in future.

Ephesians 6:6 says not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart,

What does eyeservice mean?
What does men-pleasers mean
And what does doing the will of God from heart mean?
I'm not seeing any eyeservice/men-pleasing going on in this situation... where do you see me doing this?
 

Hopeful

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From
Arizona
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Aug 19, 2020
I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
If you desire this woman #1 as a wife, and she doesn't feel the same way...take the hint and move on.
 

Sweetvineshema

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From
Lagos
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Male
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Nov 20, 2020
I'm not seeing any eyeservice/men-pleasing going on in this situation... where do you see me doing this?
You will hurt and she will hurt if you broke up while you marry someone for the rest of your life without intimacy. But you do have desires.

That's simply eye service or men pleasing?
 

Bob Carabbio

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From
Glenn Heights, TX
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Apr 30, 2010
I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends.
SO - remain friends - what's the problem. Is she a control Freak??? Seems like it's HER WAY with NO consideration for you, and she's into domination (Never a good thing).
Any advice in this complicated situation?
Break it off, and get on with life. There are Normal people out there.
 

for_his_glory

Light in darkness
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I've heard of many situations where a male and female just want to be close friends enjoying each others company and go do things together as friends. In order for this to be reality is that both have the same desire to never want to be married and just enjoy each others company.

I believe you do want to be married someday and if not to this lady then someone else, but this will affect the close friendship relationship, especially if she is dominating the relationship you both have and doesn't want you to ever get married, but give her your full attention. I would say the two of you need to sit and openly talk about this and see where she really stands on the issue and her expectations of the future with both of you.
 

Edward

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I don't know the girl so could be wrong. But I've seen this situation before and my outsiders opinion that I got from them was that..

She wants the benefits of having a husband (remain close friends etc.,) and all of the advantages of a husband, but the man's deal is not as good because he was not getting the benefits of having a Wife. So I seen the situation as unfair to the man.

But I wouldn't be so quick to dump her as other posters have suggested. Just be patient and wait on the Lord's timing in this. Pray about it to the Lord, continue to talk to the girl ab0ut it.

Don't feel guilty about having desire for the girl. The Lord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply, so it's in your DNA to be attracted to her and have desires.

She sounds scared, and that is ok because it indicates that she does not want to be outside of the will of the Lord. Scripture says seek and hold to the Lord above all else and that includes you & her's love for each other. So it's a little convoluted, but...it is what it is. The only way to beat this and remain in the will of the Lord is to approach the Lord together with her in prayer and ask that His will be done. The Lord must be first and foremost in your relationship between you & your (wife).

Good luck Brother.
 
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