No Legitimate Reason to Think GF Cheating, But Still Nervous (What Do?)

[bertstareddd]

I have been dating my girlfriend for just over 4 months. Everything has been going great, she's not overly emotional, not needy, fun, spontaneous, sexy, etc. I still really enjoy hanging out with her but the past few days I have been getting nervous about her. I know it's most likely unwarranted, but I feel like she is always on the verge of cheating and that she is playing me like a tool, when in reality I have no reason to think so. A few nights ago, she went to the beach with some friends and there are pictures that she is tagged in looking all cute with the girls, but a few she's NOT tagged in where she's kinda drunk looking. She said she went to the club with the girls and quickly added that she only danced with girls, but I still feel like she might be lying and playing me. I don't really have a reason not to believe her, so I think that its my issue and im just paranoid but it still bothers me.

It might be because I don't really drink at all obviously and so I don't often go party much because I don't have very much in common with these types of people. Because of this, I have surrounded myself with cool, christian friends who are not the partying type for the most part. My GF, on the other hand, is friends with tonsss of partiers. She always talks about how she never wants to get very drunk or anything, hates fratty guys, and hates cheaters etc., but I worry that because she is around these girls and party guys who try to get with her all the time, that she might have/has cheated on my because she feels like they might understand her better than me (the non-party type).

Bottom line is I really like this girl and have no reason to legitimately think she's cheating, but I don't want to be that guy who she considers "cute & naive" while she's cheating on me with the frat star. I don't particularly want to mention it to her, because I don't want to seem needy and overly emotional etc.

Obviously, I don't know where she's at spiritually either. We go to church together every week and we sometimes takl about christian topics etc., but I still can't get a feel for where she's at in her Christian walk. She knows all of the right answers and by speaking with her she is very comforting, but if shes a cheating, huge partier type she won't have a problem lying about that to me either. This has just been tearing me apart the last few days am I crazy?

 

[handy]

Obviously, I don't know where she's at spiritually either. We go to church together every week and we sometimes takl about christian topics etc., but I still can't get a feel for where she's at in her Christian walk. She knows all of the right answers and by speaking with her she is very comforting, but if shes a cheating, huge partier type she won't have a problem lying about that to me either. This has just been tearing me apart the last few days am I crazy?

You're not crazy...you're asking very legitimate questions regarding a relationship.

This is the whole purpose for dating...sorting out these issues to see if there is a marriageable match or not.

If she's a real partier...and you're a quiet, stay-at-home kind of guy...well, that can be a pretty huge roadblock in a relationship.

If you're not a drinker...and she is...'nuther big red flag.

You need to think about this in this way...even if she's not a cheater...she might not be the girl for you. If you wind up married and she wants to be going out to clubs and parties and you just want to snuggle at home...that's going to put a lot of stress on your relationship.

Also, "cheating" needs to be redefined in today's society. Even if she's just going to the club and "dancing with the girls....." Hey, I might be an old lady, but I know that dancing with the girls, especially in clubs where alcohol is being consumed, can be extremely sexual and constitutes the sort of sexual activity that would be considered sin.

I'm a big believer in going with one's gut feeling...because often it's not the "gut". It's the Holy Spirit convicting or prompting one about something.

You're girlfriend might be a non-cheating, but fun-loving, vivacious party girl who loves to dance and loves to go out. But, even if she's not cheating (with either guys or girls) she still might not be the girl for you. It could very well be that your "nervousness" is the Holy Spirit's way of telling you that this isn't a match.

I'm not saying to MOA yet, but perhaps some serious discussion is in order about the sort of expectations one has in a partner. And, listen to her carefully...she's not going to change her character. If you can't feel comfortable with who she is now, then yeah...MOA.

 

[Rageprophet]

If you are a Christian and your tag says you are I am confused.

There is no point to dating unless you are trying to find a wife.

If you are a Christian and you are even a little doubtful she is not this is a huge problem.

You cannot save people.

You cannot make them come to Christ no matter how cool or sexy they are.

If you were already married this would be an entirely diffrent story but you are not so save yourslef a lot of trouble and find another Christian to date.

Also with what I am seeing I cannot help but wonder if you 2 are already enjoying the pleasures of marriage and if you are you need to absolutely break it off there is no room in our Christian walk for this. The bible tells us not even to share a table with someone who claims to be a Christian and is living in unrepentant sexual sin.

If she is more important than your salvation than I suggest you start to drink and go out but if she is not you need to seriously re-evaluate what you are doing with her.

The biggest problem I see with this entire situation is not whether she is cheating or not its her spiritual walk.

I know I know Rageprophet is so mean, but I just want to put the truth out there what you do with it is up to you.

 

[Mike]

I know I know Rageprophet is so mean, but I just want to put the truth out there what you do with it is up to you.

This was "necessary roughness", IMO. So RP gets to move the ball ahead 15 yards.

Maybe there is too much assuming about your relationship with her, but if RP is on target, you need to consider more than a threat to your relationship. I would consider that she might be taking your focus off of the most important thing. Something to think about.

 

[handy]

Wow guys, I didn't get the impression that the writer was doing anything sinful with this girl himself...just that her actions have him confused...going to church with him each week, and talking the talk and yet there are things about her walk that seem to belie what she says.

Troubling, to be sure...

Then again, I'm a woman and maybe there is enough "guy code" in here to tip you guys off about something.

If so, if it is true Roadblkx that you are sleeping with her...yep, gotta stop that right now.

But, as for the confusion regarding her spiritual walk...

I don't think it's necessarily follows that just because a girl goes out clubbing or to parties with other girls that she cannot be a Christian. It's a real mistake to think that a Christian girl would never do these things. I have one niece and one nephew (they are first cousins) who used to (back when they were a lot younger) like to go out to parties and to clubs...neither ever got drunk, nor messed around sexually...they just liked to dance. After a while they stopped because they realized that there was just too much happening at the parties and clubs that they couldn't reconcile with their walk. But, both certainly were Christian at the time. It could be that the girlfriend is in the same place...being young, liking to dance and maybe even have a drink. But, if Roadblkx doesn't care for that...if she likes to do these things and he doesn't...even if she is a Christian, this doesn't sound like a good match.

But, if any Christian...guy or girl...is more characterized by partying, to the point that someone as close as a boyfriend or girlfriend has doubts about their walk...then some serious examination of the confession of Christ needs to take place. Which I believe Roadblkx is in the process of doing...

 

[Mike]

That's why I qualified my agreement by saying we might be assuming too much. If there is sexual activity going on, and if the OP's GF is choosing a lifestyle inconsistent with a Godly life, it would be best to separate himself from her even if he doesn't feel drawn to it now or if she's not cheating on him. If this is her ambition now, he can't expect it to change when a lifelong commitment is made.

Choosing between right and wrong isn't always easy, but it's biblical and it honors God.

 

[Danus]

Bottom line is I really like this girl and have no reason to legitimately think she's cheating, but I don't want to be that guy who she considers "cute & naive" while she's cheating on me with the frat star. I don't particularly want to mention it to her, because I don't want to seem needy and overly emotional etc.

Obviously, I don't know where she's at spiritually either. We go to church together every week and we sometimes takl about christian topics etc., but I still can't get a feel for where she's at in her Christian walk. She knows all of the right answers and by speaking with her she is very comforting, but if shes a cheating, huge partier type she won't have a problem lying about that to me either. This has just been tearing me apart the last few days am I crazy?

Let me give you the short, and not so sweet.
If your not comfortable with this girl then end it. You have some legitimate concerns here, and it's not going to get any better with this relationship. If you don't then in the end your really going to feel the fool.....that's the short of it.

Take it from an old man who knows, and I'm talking more about Mike then me, but I've been in your situation and have felt about it like you, and I'm just saying there is no need for you to find out the truth, and then have to deal with that.

Find yourself a girl that is meant for you. How do you know? Well, listen to God. I think he's speaking loud enough to you. Don't you think?

You don't have to have a hard break up. Try a little test. Next time she wants to go clubbing tell her you'd like her to hang out with you. Make it a spontaneous thing and see what she does. If she's willing to drop her plans at the last moment for time with you, well maybe you have something, but I bet she won't. And, if you have not done so already, tell her your not comfortable with her clubbing with friends and all. She'll do one of two things; she'll either say; "well no problem I'll just stop", or she'll try to make you feel that your being unreasonable. Something tells me you have had this conversation with her already, but who knows.

If you have to end this, just do it, and know that there is the right girl out there looking for you, but I think God has us do a little work on ourselves first before he brings us the right person. Good luck, and let us know how things turn for you. :waving

 

[Buzzy]

One thing that I do know is that if there is no legitimate reason for you to think she's cheating then it is possible that Satan is trying to inject doubt into what may be a good relationship. You need to pray about this and you need to talk with the GF about this.

 

[bertstareddd]

First of all, I ended up talking to her about this issue for about 20 minutes the other day. I basically told her that it worried me that all of her friends were huge partiers and that I worried that she didn't surround herself with many other Christians. She was not defensive at all and agreed that she needed more Christian friends. She said that she knows what she believes in and knows how to create boundaries for herself. She said that she does not believe that drinking socially is a problem (something that I don't think I quite agree with), but said that she makes sure she never drinks enough for it to impair her judgement. I then asked her why she drinks and asked if it had to do with being accepted, which makes me worry about what she may be led to do in the future if all her friends are doing it. She said that none of her friends judge her for not doing what they do and overall seemed responsive and agreed with a lot of what I said. It definitely made me feel better that she said she will try to make more good Christian friends this semester, because she said she envied me in that most of my friends are strong Christians so we will see what happens. do you think I handled it well and how else should I bring it up in the future to see more of where she's at?

In response to the thoughts about sex... We've not had intercourse, but we've done everything else (oral, etc.) multiple times (how did you know?). It's mostly my fault because I initiate it 80% of the time and I obviously know it's wrong but I still do it and don't really FEEL like its wrong anymore (I know that's not an excuse). I'm starting to really like this girl and it obviously feels so normal and natural and when I'm not with her, I find myself always wanting to be and so when I get the opportunity I always jump on it. I know you don't know me, but if you could be praying for me that would be great because I feel a lot of guilt and am starting to question my salvation because I ask myself "If I were a real Christian, why would I so willingly continue this?" I know this is probably Satan telling me this, but I still feel this way every now and then.

anyways, there y'all go!

 

[Nick]

First of all, I ended up talking to her about this issue for about 20 minutes the other day. I basically told her that it worried me that all of her friends were huge partiers and that I worried that she didn't surround herself with many other Christians. She was not defensive at all and agreed that she needed more Christian friends. She said that she knows what she believes in and knows how to create boundaries for herself. She said that she does not believe that drinking socially is a problem (something that I don't think I quite agree with), but said that she makes sure she never drinks enough for it to impair her judgement. I then asked her why she drinks and asked if it had to do with being accepted, which makes me worry about what she may be led to do in the future if all her friends are doing it. She said that none of her friends judge her for not doing what they do and overall seemed responsive and agreed with a lot of what I said. It definitely made me feel better that she said she will try to make more good Christian friends this semester, because she said she envied me in that most of my friends are strong Christians so we will see what happens. do you think I handled it well and how else should I bring it up in the future to see more of where she's at?

I completely agree with what Danus posted, and it seems like this is a good start from your girlfriend. I guess she passed Danus's test
But don't just drop it here - keep talking with her about this. This sounds like it could head in a good direction, but you need to initiate it as a man of God. You obviously have many Christian friends, presumably some of them females, so try introducing your girlfriend to them. If she is not already in a Bible Study, that's a fantastic direction to go in. It provides some accountability as well.

In response to the thoughts about sex... We've not had intercourse, but we've done everything else (oral, etc.) multiple times. It's mostly my fault because I initiate it 80% of the time and I obviously know it's wrong but I still do it and don't really FEEL like its wrong anymore (I know that's not an excuse). I'm starting to really like this girl and it obviously feels so normal and natural and when I'm not with her, I find myself always wanting to be and so when I get the opportunity I always jump on it. I know you don't know me, but if you could be praying for me that would be great because I feel a lot of guilt and am starting to question my salvation because I ask myself "If I were a real Christian, why would I so willingly continue this?" I know this is probably Satan telling me this, but I still feel this way every now and then.

anyways, there y'all go!

This is not so good. We are commanded not to have a hint of sexual immorality - even looking lustfully at a girl who is not your wife is sexual sin.
I strongly recommend talking to an older Christian man about this. The book Every Young Man's Battle is a fantastic resource. Take a look: Amazon.com: Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series) (9780307457998): Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: Books

Draw a line in the sand - make a firm commitment and stick to it.

 

[Danus]

First of all, I ended up talking to her about this issue for about 20 minutes the other day. I basically told her that it worried me that all of her friends were huge partiers and that I worried that she didn't surround herself with many other Christians. She was not defensive at all and agreed that she needed more Christian friends. She said that she knows what she believes in and knows how to create boundaries for herself. She said that she does not believe that drinking socially is a problem (something that I don't think I quite agree with), but said that she makes sure she never drinks enough for it to impair her judgement. I then asked her why she drinks and asked if it had to do with being accepted, which makes me worry about what she may be led to do in the future if all her friends are doing it. She said that none of her friends judge her for not doing what they do and overall seemed responsive and agreed with a lot of what I said. It definitely made me feel better that she said she will try to make more good Christian friends this semester, because she said she envied me in that most of my friends are strong Christians so we will see what happens. do you think I handled it well and how else should I bring it up in the future to see more of where she's at?

In response to the thoughts about sex... We've not had intercourse, but we've done everything else (oral, etc.) multiple times. It's mostly my fault because I initiate it 80% of the time and I obviously know it's wrong but I still do it and don't really FEEL like its wrong anymore (I know that's not an excuse). I'm starting to really like this girl and it obviously feels so normal and natural and when I'm not with her, I find myself always wanting to be and so when I get the opportunity I always jump on it. I know you don't know me, but if you could be praying for me that would be great because I feel a lot of guilt and am starting to question my salvation because I ask myself "If I were a real Christian, why would I so willingly continue this?" I know this is probably Satan telling me this, but I still feel this way every now and then.

anyways, there y'all go!

I will keep you in prayer brother.

Listen, your having sex with this girl. You need to know that. The "everything else" part, other than intercourse, does not constitute virginity in tact. ;)
I'm not coming down on you about it as much as I'm trying to point out the reality of it. I understand you, but your infatuated with this girl. You like the candy of it. I can read it in every honest word you have written.

Sometimes Roadblkx, we just need to learn things the hard way. As for how you are handling this whole thing, I'm going to give you an A for your inter-voice, but an F for trusting your blindness. But don't worry...Your eyes will be opened, and when they are God will be there for you.

The Christian life is not about no mistakes, and it's only about avoiding mistakes when we are willing to listen to God's plan. You are torn between what you know to be right and what you want to be right. Which way will you go at this point? deeper into what you want to be right, or what is right?

 

[Mike]

Listen, your having sex with this girl. You need to know that. The "everything else" part, other than intercourse, does not constitute virginity in tact. ;)
I'm not coming down on you about it as much as I'm trying to point out the reality of it. I understand you, but your infatuated with this girl. You like the candy of it. I can read it in every honest word you have written.

Roadblock, this is true. And I'm confident you knew that you were already engaging in sex. You're an adult, making adult decisions, and the decision to rid yourself of this aspect of your relationship sounds like it needs to come from you more than it does her. Since you're trying to be a faithful child of God, this would seem to be your personal area of growth.

You don't drink.
You don't party.
You don't do a number of things that you see as contrary to your faith.

You have sex outside of marriage. While this is quite common "in the world", it's one of the ways we can choose to live in the world, but not live of it. I appreciate your honesty, and truly, I don't mean to come down on you. It's just that I see you pointing out things that she does which you see as wrong, but you need to do a spiritual inventory yourself.

If you choose to stay with her, I would take it very slow and take some time to pray and consider if this is a person you can fully imagine being your wife and the mother of your children. It's a tough, honest thing to do, but if you have difficulty seeing that in her, then you have to move on and find that person He has Chosen for you.

IMO, these are things you need to do. I'm not saying they're easy, but I do believe they are decisions that will more likely result in a fulfilled marriage down the road.

 

[Rageprophet]

(how did you know?)

The Holy spirit.

I had said what you needed to do if the above was correct.

You have stolen her husbands gift that she should have given him on his wedding night the most precious gift that God gives to us as humans and it can only be given once. You have stolen something that can never be given back. You may feel like it is not sin but I can assure you God is not pleased, he is quite the contrary. The bible is expressly clear on the subject of sexual sin and is abundantly populated with examples of the destruction it sows. You cannot continue in this relationship and walk with God at the same time because you have polluted it and it would be virtually impossible to go forward now and not find yourself in sexual sin again because you have already numbed yourself to the Spirits urgings proven by the fact that you no longer feel it is even sin. You should seek out someone in your church and get council.