On the edge

[chezahu]

I've struggled with my lust since I was 11. I'm 21 now, and it's hard to remember a time before this. My sin has now snowballed into something so deep and dark the pain is unimaginable. I've been praying and reading more lately, and I've been encouraged in small ways but everyday my heart gets heavier and heavier. I've played for forgiveness but the guilt latches on to me tightly, especially because the desires are still there.

I feel as though I've disqualified myself from having a fruitful life, marriage, etc. because of this sin. I have failed so badly that even I know God forgives, I fear that if those I love knew what I did they would reject me, and that is such a lonely feeling. I feel like I've permanently stifled my social and spiritual life, and at the risk of being repetitive, there is so much pain.
Meanwhile I'm supposed to do assignments and exams and go job hunting lol. I find myself wishing Jesus would come back now, or that he'd take me in my sleep, because I don't know any way out of this pit.

I don't exactly have a question here, maybe just a request for prayer and encouragement/ direction on how to deal with this, or people who feel similarly.

A tad dramatic/ heavy for this forum perhaps, apologies if so.

 

[for_his_glory]

2Cor 10:4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)
2Cor 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
2Cor 10:6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.


Col 3:1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.
Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
Col 3:3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.
Col 3:4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. (Please read Colossians 3:1-17)

God knows what we struggle with and is our help in times of need.

I do not know if you are Spiritually born again and indwelled with the Holy Spirit, John 3:5-7, as that is very important in developing your relationship with Christ. The more you draw into Jesus he will help you come out of the deep and dark places you are in as you come into His marvelous light. Obedience to His word will put you on the path of God's righteousness as He takes these desires away from you.

You will need to put forth the effort as Jesus will help you along the way as you lean into Him.

 

[WIP]

I've struggled with my lust since I was 11. I'm 21 now, and it's hard to remember a time before this. My sin has now snowballed into something so deep and dark the pain is unimaginable. I've been praying and reading more lately, and I've been encouraged in small ways but everyday my heart gets heavier and heavier. I've played for forgiveness but the guilt latches on to me tightly, especially because the desires are still there.

I'm much older than you and still I am constantly dealing with this sin and guilt as you have mentioned. I believe the reason I struggle with the guilt is likely because I have not yet come to grips and accepted that I am forgiven. I have yet to submit to Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and for us humans it can be impossible without God but Jesus has said, "With God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26 NKJV)

In John's Gospel account, he wrote, "This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."

You and I are in the same boat. We resist letting go of our pride and selfishness and just letting God take over. We are not yet truly ready to let go of that sin and so we remain in it. That is our lack of repentance. Repentance isn't something we do of our own free will but rather it is a gift from God (see Acts 5:31 and Acts 11:18). We both need to patiently continue to seek God with all our heart and pray for repentance.

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13 ESV

But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.
Deuteronomy 4:29 ESV

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."
Matthew 7:7-8 ESV

 

[chezahu]

thank you for the replies, they definitely encouraged me. Even though everyday has been a struggle, God has been with me and I will persist in seeking him