Christ_empowered
Member
so, my dad and I had a lil hear to heart. nothing too intense, just...i told him some things that had happened that i though he should know. i wasn't trying to guilt trip him or anything, just...i wanted him to know some things that a (private, for profit) mental hospital did to me, for instance, and how that contributed to stuff that happeend. OK...
...so, it actually went surprisingly well, Praise God! He said that things happened that really weren't my fault, and he and my mama have been supporting me, and they need me to figure out a way forward in my life. I agree.
Again, I wasn't trying to guilt trip my dad. Its just like....well, this private for profit mental hospital place...so ridiculous. they billed for services i didn't receive (everyone was supposed to get counseling; I did not receive counseling, but they billed for it...they also almost let me die of a sleeping pill OD, and left me wallowing in my own urine...fun times....), and then when i hit a downward spiral afterwards, everyone made it seem like 'oh, his people wasted all that $$$ on that hospital, and he's a mess up, hahaha!"
Anyway...ugh. God is good! That was a while ago. At this point, I've recently hit 33. Not super young, not yet middle-aged or...anything, really. Honestly, I'm blessed beyond measure to be alive at all, so I'm kinda excited about 33. The Lord has willed to make me: healthy, smart enough, remarkably...whole, even normal, in ways that really matter, for my family and for me. I am increasingly thankful.
I just...I don't know a way forward. At this point, I'm on disability for "mental illness." ugh. I did try to work, during college and then after my 1st hospitalization, age 20. I apparently "p!ssed the shrinks off," so all kindsa stuff got thrown my way I wasn't prepared for, and...yeah. I tried going back to school, having just turned 23...and I ended up in another hospital, getting more (heavy, involuntary) shock "treatments."
So...yeah. It strange. American culture (in general) says "go to school! woo! school!," but now The Lord has returned memories to me, along with some clarity and understanding, and I see: whoa there. I wasn't even welcome in 8th grade honors, much less college! I was driven out of the dorms at a state school, age 17.
And now? Well...now, I have to wonder...what's going on here? What is my way forward? I --am-- blessed to receive disability, I really am. At this point, I highly doubt anyone around here will hire me. Ever. Labels, stigma, I'm well past 25, on and on it goes....plus, from what I've read, I'm one of --many-- people in the United States living on disability for "mental illness" in large part because of...psychiatry.
I'm now a work-able height (not super tall, but tall enough), healthy, bright eyed, smart enough, I actually have adeqaute social skills, a new way of being ("personality"), etc., and...even my IQ estimate is high enough (going by the scale and such) that I could/should/would be able to do any number of things. And yet...
...well, where? doing what? I just...don't...know. I was not wanted in honors, I was eventually driven out of college, I wasn't "good enough" for any number of jobs, etc. etc. etc....
...and now, I'm labeled "severely mentally ill," and I receive disability and live with my now "well-to-do" parents. Its a good thing, too; in years past, I was driven out of a small town, driven out of apartments, etc. etc. etc. Its...stigma, labels, the Real Face of Psychiatry (read: force, fraud, coercion...at times, straight up violence, lots of oppression...), plus the fact that I was HIV+ from about 18/19 years old on, and I was never given any kind of treatment.
Jesus saves! Why not me? Seriously...now that I've been saved (miracle!) 4 1/2 years, I'm now healthy, bright eyed, etc., I see...
...I'm now 33. I tested + for HIV at age 20, in a hospital. I was already showing signs of serious immune system problems, etc. At this point, I've never been treated for HIV, or...anything, really. Haven't even taken a single antibiotic in over 10 years.
Am I still HIV+? I really don't know, honestly. Clearly, the homogay world is off limits for any Christian, me in particular. I"m not into the ladies, so...celibacy it is, and so...does my status even matter?
OK. Once again, I've rambled. I am thankful that I had a lil convo with my dad, I really am. I just...I don't know a way forward, I don't see one, and I don't know what I can honestly, truly, genuinely expect to do in this world, especially with all the labels and stigma attached to me, and...well, I was fully expected to be dead --by-- 23. At 23, I was sick as unto death, which may explain why the shrinks gave me the works (again...), and...on and on it went, until 1st I ended up with Pentecostals (miracle!) and then The Lord worked a miracle and I genuinely came to believe upon Christ for forgiveness+salvation, 4 1/2 years ago.
Now? Well, honestly, I'm just now...starting to "get it," I guess. Not everybody has a j-o-b. I was fully expected to be dead 10 years ago. I'm now healthy, smart enough, etc...despite my own sins, things that were done to me, "the way the world works," etc.
And yet...as much as I --love-- my parents, and I do...I"m 33. For obvious reasons, I'm just now maturing as I should, and that alone is a miracle. I do not think it would be appropriate for me to live with them indefinitely, --if-- I can figure out a better way to go about things. But...what am I to do? Where can anyone with my psych records, my labels, my stigma, etc. live w/o somebody around to offer a buffer, even straight up protection?
I do pray for a way forward, and I ask that you'll pray the same for me, and my family, too (please). I just...wow. There are times when I'm out on my parents' front porch, and people yell about me, calling me a "freak," etc....because The Lord willed first to spare me, then to save me, then to transform me. I am thankful, but...man oh man. I just don't know a way forward, I do --not-- want to end up in a group home, I don't want to risk problems trying to live alone without a support network around, etc.
So...I am blessed, I am increasingly thankful, and I'm also wondering: where to from here, exactly?
Thanks.
...so, it actually went surprisingly well, Praise God! He said that things happened that really weren't my fault, and he and my mama have been supporting me, and they need me to figure out a way forward in my life. I agree.
Again, I wasn't trying to guilt trip my dad. Its just like....well, this private for profit mental hospital place...so ridiculous. they billed for services i didn't receive (everyone was supposed to get counseling; I did not receive counseling, but they billed for it...they also almost let me die of a sleeping pill OD, and left me wallowing in my own urine...fun times....), and then when i hit a downward spiral afterwards, everyone made it seem like 'oh, his people wasted all that $$$ on that hospital, and he's a mess up, hahaha!"
Anyway...ugh. God is good! That was a while ago. At this point, I've recently hit 33. Not super young, not yet middle-aged or...anything, really. Honestly, I'm blessed beyond measure to be alive at all, so I'm kinda excited about 33. The Lord has willed to make me: healthy, smart enough, remarkably...whole, even normal, in ways that really matter, for my family and for me. I am increasingly thankful.
I just...I don't know a way forward. At this point, I'm on disability for "mental illness." ugh. I did try to work, during college and then after my 1st hospitalization, age 20. I apparently "p!ssed the shrinks off," so all kindsa stuff got thrown my way I wasn't prepared for, and...yeah. I tried going back to school, having just turned 23...and I ended up in another hospital, getting more (heavy, involuntary) shock "treatments."
So...yeah. It strange. American culture (in general) says "go to school! woo! school!," but now The Lord has returned memories to me, along with some clarity and understanding, and I see: whoa there. I wasn't even welcome in 8th grade honors, much less college! I was driven out of the dorms at a state school, age 17.
And now? Well...now, I have to wonder...what's going on here? What is my way forward? I --am-- blessed to receive disability, I really am. At this point, I highly doubt anyone around here will hire me. Ever. Labels, stigma, I'm well past 25, on and on it goes....plus, from what I've read, I'm one of --many-- people in the United States living on disability for "mental illness" in large part because of...psychiatry.
I'm now a work-able height (not super tall, but tall enough), healthy, bright eyed, smart enough, I actually have adeqaute social skills, a new way of being ("personality"), etc., and...even my IQ estimate is high enough (going by the scale and such) that I could/should/would be able to do any number of things. And yet...
...well, where? doing what? I just...don't...know. I was not wanted in honors, I was eventually driven out of college, I wasn't "good enough" for any number of jobs, etc. etc. etc....
...and now, I'm labeled "severely mentally ill," and I receive disability and live with my now "well-to-do" parents. Its a good thing, too; in years past, I was driven out of a small town, driven out of apartments, etc. etc. etc. Its...stigma, labels, the Real Face of Psychiatry (read: force, fraud, coercion...at times, straight up violence, lots of oppression...), plus the fact that I was HIV+ from about 18/19 years old on, and I was never given any kind of treatment.
Jesus saves! Why not me? Seriously...now that I've been saved (miracle!) 4 1/2 years, I'm now healthy, bright eyed, etc., I see...
...I'm now 33. I tested + for HIV at age 20, in a hospital. I was already showing signs of serious immune system problems, etc. At this point, I've never been treated for HIV, or...anything, really. Haven't even taken a single antibiotic in over 10 years.
Am I still HIV+? I really don't know, honestly. Clearly, the homogay world is off limits for any Christian, me in particular. I"m not into the ladies, so...celibacy it is, and so...does my status even matter?
OK. Once again, I've rambled. I am thankful that I had a lil convo with my dad, I really am. I just...I don't know a way forward, I don't see one, and I don't know what I can honestly, truly, genuinely expect to do in this world, especially with all the labels and stigma attached to me, and...well, I was fully expected to be dead --by-- 23. At 23, I was sick as unto death, which may explain why the shrinks gave me the works (again...), and...on and on it went, until 1st I ended up with Pentecostals (miracle!) and then The Lord worked a miracle and I genuinely came to believe upon Christ for forgiveness+salvation, 4 1/2 years ago.
Now? Well, honestly, I'm just now...starting to "get it," I guess. Not everybody has a j-o-b. I was fully expected to be dead 10 years ago. I'm now healthy, smart enough, etc...despite my own sins, things that were done to me, "the way the world works," etc.
And yet...as much as I --love-- my parents, and I do...I"m 33. For obvious reasons, I'm just now maturing as I should, and that alone is a miracle. I do not think it would be appropriate for me to live with them indefinitely, --if-- I can figure out a better way to go about things. But...what am I to do? Where can anyone with my psych records, my labels, my stigma, etc. live w/o somebody around to offer a buffer, even straight up protection?
I do pray for a way forward, and I ask that you'll pray the same for me, and my family, too (please). I just...wow. There are times when I'm out on my parents' front porch, and people yell about me, calling me a "freak," etc....because The Lord willed first to spare me, then to save me, then to transform me. I am thankful, but...man oh man. I just don't know a way forward, I do --not-- want to end up in a group home, I don't want to risk problems trying to live alone without a support network around, etc.
So...I am blessed, I am increasingly thankful, and I'm also wondering: where to from here, exactly?
Thanks.