I pray that Christ will touch you directly and that you will let Him guide your steps.
I was hooked on Klonopin in my late teens. Even today, I question the wisdom of giving a troubled, suicidal teenager 3mgs/Klonopin during the day and Sonata or Ambien at night...long term. I know where you're coming from. I will say, though, that...Knock and the door shall be opened. There's more to life than anti-anxiety pills, sedatives, uppers (I also had an Rx amphetamine problem...again: slack doctors, obviously) and managing "symptoms," although sometimes Rx treatments do make life more bearable (for a season...).
The pills only go so far. These days, I'm considered "severely Bipolar I." By "severely Bipolar I," the treatment people apparently mean: without meds, its a lot like Schizophrenia (6 of 1, 1/2 dozen the other if you ask me, but...). So, I do take --4-- Rx meds daily, plus high dose vitamins (its called "Orthomolecular," and it seems to make the meds more tolerable...). That's great and all, but the reason I'm not miserable and trying to score controlled substance prescriptions is Jesus.
Jesus doesn't necessarily make you not mentally ill, or make your life immediately less painful, but He changes people ("Know Jesus, Know change...") in such a way that...pain has meaning. Pain can be productive (not that I"m a big fan of pain, mind you). In my own life, I've seen misery and suicidality give way to stability, and now the very beginnings of "the peace that surpasses all understanding." I'm definitely not suicidal. Its strange...I know now that there's more than this life here on Earth, but I also value my health and this life here on earth much more than I ever did before.
Shrinks are a mixed bag, too. I'm not the only person who's been burned by vicious doctors and counselors, over-priced hospitals, etc. If the doctors aren't calling you back, that may be a hint that you need to intensify your prayer life and seek God as best you can. He won't hide from you, that's for sure. Like I've written before...this pills only go so far. Even the antipsychotics/major tranquilizers, which were and are regarded as a huge breakthrough in treating severe mental illness, aren't that great. I take an overpriced, newer one (its the --1-- I can tolerate at full doses). Its OK and all, but...once the voices are more or less gone, the paranoia is calmed down, the agitation subsides...well, what do you do now? See what I'm saying? They suppress symptoms for a lot of people...that's about it. Antidepressants don't always out-perform placebo in some studies and meta-anlayses. I think they're better than placebo for me--I take 1 every day--but again...the Rx stuff is all about symptom suppression, and they don't even work for a substantial minority of people.
I've rambled. If you have some spare $$$ and the inclination, I would recommend that you look into Orthomolecular. Its not terribly $pendy, and it can put back vitamins, minerals, etc. that stress, Rx treatments, insomnia, poor diet, etc. take away. In my case, it works nicely with the Rx cocktail to get better results. I think its called "synergy..." a case of 1+1=3, I suppose. One big benefit of Orthomolecular for me has been a significant reduction in anxiety, agitation, and insomnia. Over time, the vitamin blends act as a sort of natural tranquilizer...for me, this has been better than Klonopin and all the over priced sleeping pills. Plus, I'm remarkably healthy now, unlike when I was on all kindsa Rx stuff and looked a good 5+ years older than my age.
OK. I'm done now. I'll be praying for you.
