[__ Prayer __] prayer for God's guidance

[Christ_empowered]

I --need-- to lean on Him, not so much my own (limited) understanding.

The official story from Mental Health, Inc. is that I've "recovered" from shock treatments (I only know I've had shock treatments because of legal action against a former shrink...fun things happen when you're sedated in a mental hospital...) and am also in "recovery from severe mental illness," in my case Bipolar I.

The "real story" ? Pshaw. I dunno, lol. You must die to be born again. I got saved at age 28, and I was about as patched up and 'recovered' as I was ever going to be. I was an "over the hill flamer," former junkie, blah blah blah. Wretched, pathetic, all that.

And now?

I'm remarkably whole. Jesus once asked a disabled man, "will you be made whole?" I remember this because a bombastic Pentecostal Bible teacher drilled it into me. I prayed on that verse. I was forever praying "I want to be made whole," "YES, I please make make whole!," etc. Now, I find that I'm flawed, I sin, I have sin patterns to contend with (same-sex lusts being the big one for me...sodomy, of course, is a no-go for anyone who actually --reads-- Scripture...), but I'm...

...healthy. different way of being ('personality'). masculine identity. good height. bright eyes. smart, even on the stoopid IQ scale (btw: psychiatrists rarely actually give IQ tests; usually, its just an "expert estimate," with an error range of 10 points on a good day...). no drugs, controlled substance prescriptions, or booze. gotta cool it with the chain smoking. tons of vitamins, antioxidants (orthomolecular...i recommend it, actually...). "Bipolar I, most recent episode: depressed, psychotic features."

Life goes on...or --starts-- , really...with Christ. "Life and that more abundantly..." with all the prosaic, hum drum moments of a real life, plus the occasional highs and (thankfully) infrequent low points.

My family loves me. Over Christmas, my mama said 'you're a member of the family," and my heart skipped a beat. I love them, too. God is good!

But, yeah: guidance. I was short, malnourished, stunted, drugged, electroshocked, I probably had cancer for a while...blah blah blah, God spared me, even when I thought He was (somehow) the problem, or not real, or not my 'thing," etc. etc. etc.

I just don't know where to go, what to do. I'm in my early 30s. Not old, but I was on the fringe and sick, etc., for a good 10+/- years, and i started out not so great, anyway, so...j-o-b? I'm blessed to get disability, complete with the health coverage for "treatment" (the 'miracle meds' are now generic, but even community mental health clinic shrinks+counselor demand their fee...). My parents apparently "have money" now. God has been good to them, too. Their status+resources=more 'space' for me, which is a big deal, considering how horrible and cruel this community is to me, anyway (to be fair, this community is probably like much of USA, just...with a southern twang and lots of Baptist churches...).

So, yeah: I dunno. I'm enjoying having a life--not an existence, a l-i-f-e, for once--and its a miracle. Forgiveness is huge, its the core to Christianity, or at least a big part of it.

I just don't know if I'll ever have a job. Low level jobs around here probably won't hire me, and I'd probably get fired quickly. A better, more stable job seems a good idea, but we're talking about entering the work force/rat race late, with stigma attached, too. That's not even taking into consideration what my mental affliction brings to the table, in and of itself. I thought, for a minute, that I must have made lots of progress, because I haven't been in a mental hospital in over 9 years. Then I realized...the 'experts' destroyed me and laughed about it, and they didn't much see the point in putting me in a hospital. Now, if it wasn't for my loving family, God's work in my life, etc...I'd be sippin' on Thorazine punch in the loverly state hospital, no doubt.

Rambling. I'm increasingly thankful for the life I have in Christ, the people in it, for Jesus, for...God and His work in my life, and the lives of others, too. I just don't know where to go, what to do, where to turn. Can't complain. Today is another day in which i'm free, safe, healthy, smart...alive and forgiven, saved and set free. My parents might get some inheritance $$$ off some older, 1%-er relatives (not trying to sound snotty and/or greedy or anything...), so they're set and I'm better off than most people/'patients' I see at the clinic.

I just...I dunno. My life is just as valuable as anybody else's, regardless of if I'm unemployed, under-employed, or working 12 hours days and rakin in the $$$. That's not the issue. The big issue, for me, is figuring out...well, what can I do, realistically? What should I do, honestly?

For that, and for life in general, I'm gonna need God's guidance. Thanks, as always, for your support+prayers+replies, etc.

 

[Pegasus]

I --need-- to lean on Him, not so much my own (limited) understanding.

The official story from Mental Health, Inc. is that I've "recovered" from shock treatments (I only know I've had shock treatments because of legal action against a former shrink...fun things happen when you're sedated in a mental hospital...) and am also in "recovery from severe mental illness," in my case Bipolar I.

The "real story" ? Pshaw. I dunno, lol. You must die to be born again. I got saved at age 28, and I was about as patched up and 'recovered' as I was ever going to be. I was an "over the hill flamer," former junkie, blah blah blah. Wretched, pathetic, all that.

And now?

I'm remarkably whole. Jesus once asked a disabled man, "will you be made whole?" I remember this because a bombastic Pentecostal Bible teacher drilled it into me. I prayed on that verse. I was forever praying "I want to be made whole," "YES, I please make make whole!," etc. Now, I find that I'm flawed, I sin, I have sin patterns to contend with (same-sex lusts being the big one for me...sodomy, of course, is a no-go for anyone who actually --reads-- Scripture...), but I'm...

...healthy. different way of being ('personality'). masculine identity. good height. bright eyes. smart, even on the stoopid IQ scale (btw: psychiatrists rarely actually give IQ tests; usually, its just an "expert estimate," with an error range of 10 points on a good day...). no drugs, controlled substance prescriptions, or booze. gotta cool it with the chain smoking. tons of vitamins, antioxidants (orthomolecular...i recommend it, actually...). "Bipolar I, most recent episode: depressed, psychotic features."

Life goes on...or --starts-- , really...with Christ. "Life and that more abundantly..." with all the prosaic, hum drum moments of a real life, plus the occasional highs and (thankfully) infrequent low points.

My family loves me. Over Christmas, my mama said 'you're a member of the family," and my heart skipped a beat. I love them, too. God is good!

But, yeah: guidance. I was short, malnourished, stunted, drugged, electroshocked, I probably had cancer for a while...blah blah blah, God spared me, even when I thought He was (somehow) the problem, or not real, or not my 'thing," etc. etc. etc.

I just don't know where to go, what to do. I'm in my early 30s. Not old, but I was on the fringe and sick, etc., for a good 10+/- years, and i started out not so great, anyway, so...j-o-b? I'm blessed to get disability, complete with the health coverage for "treatment" (the 'miracle meds' are now generic, but even community mental health clinic shrinks+counselor demand their fee...). My parents apparently "have money" now. God has been good to them, too. Their status+resources=more 'space' for me, which is a big deal, considering how horrible and cruel this community is to me, anyway (to be fair, this community is probably like much of USA, just...with a southern twang and lots of Baptist churches...).

So, yeah: I dunno. I'm enjoying having a life--not an existence, a l-i-f-e, for once--and its a miracle. Forgiveness is huge, its the core to Christianity, or at least a big part of it.

I just don't know if I'll ever have a job. Low level jobs around here probably won't hire me, and I'd probably get fired quickly. A better, more stable job seems a good idea, but we're talking about entering the work force/rat race late, with stigma attached, too. That's not even taking into consideration what my mental affliction brings to the table, in and of itself. I thought, for a minute, that I must have made lots of progress, because I haven't been in a mental hospital in over 9 years. Then I realized...the 'experts' destroyed me and laughed about it, and they didn't much see the point in putting me in a hospital. Now, if it wasn't for my loving family, God's work in my life, etc...I'd be sippin' on Thorazine punch in the loverly state hospital, no doubt.

Rambling. I'm increasingly thankful for the life I have in Christ, the people in it, for Jesus, for...God and His work in my life, and the lives of others, too. I just don't know where to go, what to do, where to turn. Can't complain. Today is another day in which i'm free, safe, healthy, smart...alive and forgiven, saved and set free. My parents might get some inheritance $$$ off some older, 1%-er relatives (not trying to sound snotty and/or greedy or anything...), so they're set and I'm better off than most people/'patients' I see at the clinic.

I just...I dunno. My life is just as valuable as anybody else's, regardless of if I'm unemployed, under-employed, or working 12 hours days and rakin in the $$$. That's not the issue. The big issue, for me, is figuring out...well, what can I do, realistically? What should I do, honestly?

For that, and for life in general, I'm gonna need God's guidance. Thanks, as always, for your support+prayers+replies, etc.

Praying for you brother. God bless you and your family....and Vern.

 

[Jehovah-Rapha]

praying 4 wisdom. maybe these will give you a couple of ideas. A guy we know with nothing but a rototiller an an old pic-up truck, can not keep up with all the business he's gotten from posting on Graigslist and local papers. He tills your garden and other garden type services. for those that either don't have the time or strength to do it themselves. We knew another successful guy who had nothing but an old pic-up when he started., advertising for cleaning out your attic, basement or old shed, with the written agreement he could keep all he found. He knew nothing about antiques and collectables, that's when he visit the library.

 

[Eugene]

.
I too continue in prayer for you CE. It will depend largely on your ambition I suppose, but a usable education in things other than those taken just to say you're attending college will be of great benefit.

You might want to reconsider your college major to something that will support your desired lifestyle. Electives are primarily fill-in courses to accumulate required hours, and possibly acquaint you with other avenues of livelihood. You say you have problems in public? Choose courses that will allow you to work from home, possibly in computer sciences, but even there they’re changing so fast its possible robots will soon replace all of them.

In the past you mentioned the health field of psychology to be used in helping others in some form or other. You been cleared from a felony and should have no problems finding work in that field. You also have talked of writing, but it needs to progress past the story of your life retold, and directed toward something you care for others will enjoy reading.

Otherwise brother, you are blessed in having SSI. If and when your parents are one day gone, you will be insured of future permanent care in a home somewhere, probably with a few others, and given the care needed to maintain health and life.