hi. I think my pride--which is much, much, much less of an issue now than when before I got saved--is a long standing defense mechanism. I was socially isolated, stressed out, low status, etc. for most of my life. Weird kid, then "loser" teenager, etc. etc. etc. Basically, even whenI was smart enough and all that, I wasn't perceived as "good enough"--not "good enough" for this college, not even "good enough" for proper mental health treatment.
To be fair, with whatever mental illness I have, there's a psychotic element, so I get stuck in my mind more easily and to get a greater extent than I would if I didn't have...whatever this is (Bipolar I or Schizophrenia).
Still, I find that although I'm not pathologically prideful to the point of being straight up narcissistic, and I'm actually humble enough to get along in day to day life, no big problems (usually...), pride+self-love are still there.
I prayed on numerous occasions that God would help me "spot" my pride and self-love. Mental health people call that "insight," I think. So, I prayed that, and God has come through for me.
To be fair, I'm in a strange situation around here. The ex-shrinks+ex-counselors, and actually a lot of people, expect me to "know my place in society." To them, if I'm just pursuing my own interests and living outside of abject poverty, then I'm "uppity" and need to "be humbled," etc. So, with the pride+self-love that remain, when I hear that and sense that, the flesh rears its ugly head and I get more prideful, the self-love goes up a notch (or 2...).
I'm blessed. My people are now "important" enough, have enough $$$, etc. for them to be treated better (they're apparently "genteel," from what I've heard, lol), and also to provide something of a buffer between this hostile community and me. Good for them and definitely a huge, huge blessing for me. So, on the practical level, even though lots of people expect me to "know my place," etc., where the rubber hits the road, I have my parents behind me, protecting me, etc., and they've been facilitating a way forward for me.
Looking back, I think a lot of my pride+self-love, maybe even some of the psychotic stuff was/is rooted in social status and looks. I was a pretty child from a working class, intellectual bohemian family. My people weren't on the same wave length as the other working class people, and most of the middle class people thought they were "weird," because they're not conventional.
So, then, I turned homely as a teenager, and my people hit middle-middle class "respectability," or whatever, but since I was in the Honors and Gifted+Talented classes, most of the kids came from "good" families, a lot of them came from older, established families (its the south), and then the popular ones came from more affluent families. I was dorky and clearly queer, and homely and...ugh. Plus, home life was stressful, to compound the social isolation.
Point is...looking back, I think I kind of withdrew into an inner-world in which I mattered. I was bright back then (I actually know my IQ estimate, lol: 120), but not brilliant or anything. I didn't understand my limitations, I didn't get it, and pride, self-love, plus what I think now may have been the beginnings of psychosis crept in, and...sad times. :-( I was a hot mess.
So, now, I've gone thru being un-smart (IQ estimate: 95, which is in the average range, but I also had --obvious-- brain damage, so I wasn't functioning at that level), straight up ugly, physically sick, --extremely-- mentally ill, all that...
...and now The Lord has made me remarkably normal. I don't know my IQ estimate now, but I write well enough and learn material well enough for what I want to do. I don't have obvious brain damage, which raises some questions (for me...). I"m normal in the face, physically health, my mental problems are well-controlled by standard medication, and...
I think I'm at a point where I can be a normal Christian man. Work-in-progress, no doubt, but for me to be normal enough, at all levels, to be in society, even as a "mental patient" on disability, required a Miracle.
I just sense that pride+self-love are still an issue, and I know now how disastrous and horrible those things can be. I'm also beginning to see that pride+self-love are part of human nature, so on the one hand: hey, its not just me! Hooray! On the other hand...oh man, this could be a lifelong battle. --sigh--
Keep in mind, I lived in a magical, electroshocked fairy land until The Lord willed to restore my senses unto me. I'm starting to think of it that way, now. Brain cells aren't the big issue, neither is diagnosis; I lived in a haze, deprived of my sense, and now I'm remarkably normal, even though I require the psych drugs.
So, yeah. In the haze, I though of getting out of the haze, of getting healthy, of not being prematurely aged (even with good self-care, I had "too much fun when he was younger" written all over me...), as the end point. Guess what? I'm not so much in the haze, I've been made healthy, and I've been made healthy to the point that I'm definitely not prematurely aged. These are very, very good things, and I know I've been blessed. At the same time, its really the beginning of my journey, I think.
OK. Thanks for the prayers, replies, etc. A lot of the replies were helpful and gave me things to ponder. I appreciate it.
I pray for them but I don't like their actions.