[__ Prayer __] "put him on WORK DETAIL!"

[Christ_empowered]

ugh. me, yet again.

Moved home a bit over 10 years ago. legal trouble, saved on bond. plea deal (--narrowly-- avoided a felony!), probation. off probation for over 5 years, now...

not even a traffic ticket. I live in a nice, modest place that is -thankfully- owned by family. They're not rich, but they had the means to scoop up one of the last, last, last nice and modest pieces of property this area had to offer for some people, and they were able to do it without a mortgage (God is merciful...I mention this because it helps me feel better about the situation).

I'll soon be 38. I keep a low profile. One bonus to being labeled with "Schizophrenia" ? At times, it...allows me to be in society, but not really of it. Not ideal for most people, but I was regarded as a "weakling" and/or "mega-loser," and now I"m health and normal and apparently have a "high IQ (estimate)," but...

-ugh- "rejects," etc. are dealt with -so harshly- , the label is...at times, something of a blessing.

The insults and taunts have gone up a couple of notches recently, and I don't know why. My parents got me my first new vehicle. Not fancy, and I needed a vehicle, and...yeah. grace: unmerited favor. Its not deluxe, but it is -nice- and I like it. maybe that's part of it?

I live in a small city near my small hometown. parents are nearby. I get...nervous. Nervous about what my future will look like, without my parents. Nervous about the way all my former so-called "friends" were there, as I disintegrated at all levels, and it was as if...nothing was happening, at the time? They're almost all extra-respectable now...4 year degrees, graduate degrees, one got a PhD not too long ago. I wish them well, its just...wow. wow.

Prison would be a fairly logical outcome to my own sins, mistakes, and "the way the world works." truth? mostly mama...but dad too...kept me out of prison. and out of the state hospital. I don't even have a felony (!), which...to me, is a testimony of God's love and mercy, working thru wonderful parents and a surprisingly decent human being of a defense attorney.

"small town loser...wrong crowd...PRISON!," and now its "former pill head...high IQ...well to do hippy parents...Schizophrenic..." not complaining, not proud, either, just...that's the situation. what to make of it?

Parents are wonderful. Even my dad has warmed up to me. I'm no longer sickly and effeminate, off putting...more foppish, apparently I'd "be pretty, if he dropped weight" (did I mention the bullying and taunts? LOL). Mama is amazing, per usual. southern homosexual, "come to Jesus story..." long suffering mama...

ugh. I almost feel like a need some buttermilk biscuits and a Valium, maybe watch some old Tennessee Williams plays turned into movies. Suddenly, last summer?

-1- long term, friendly acquaintance keeps in touch. she's urban, professional. she sends me her old New Yorkers. I'm left wing, not that kind of left wing. more...social programs, less conflict and cruelty, pray and hope and...there don't seem to be any magazines for me, not really. OK. sometimes sojourners hits the spot. not often.

people are taunting me with jail and/or prison talk. good thing I got the plea deal...

I read over state law, it seems that anyone convicted of a felony should spend at least 3 months locked up. -eek- my original charges carried a max of 15 -years-. my plea deal had me do 3 years probation, done and done. "go forth and sin no more..."

I'm doing what I can.

I do need to toughen up. I get confused, I get confused and I'm still too...soft. It isn't that my feelings hurt so much as it is...who are these people? Why don't they find some other lost soul to taunt and torment? am I really -that- notorious?

ok. please pray for my parents, for me, and for our enemies (sadly, even my hardworking, long suffering parents seem to have some enemies...-eek- world we all live in, I suppose...).

Thanks

 

[Northman]

Not trying to be a dirtbag, but are you actually seeing the faces of people speaking this stuff or are you just hearing voices shouting here and there?

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...when I 1st moved home, people would say it directly. once, at Aldi, some dude and his gf/wife were saying things...sexually explicit things...while I was checking out. --eek- on the other hand...

at least I saw them, you know? At Aldi the last time (its been renovated, quite nice, lol), some lady was all "We have -0 tolerance- for him, blah blah blah..."


but she was in the aisle over. my upstairs neighbor did call me "immature" and some other stuff yesterday, when I saw him out in the parking lot at 3 AM. I'd...woken up, groggy, ran off the 24 hour drugstore to pick up some snack and such (discount card, prices aren't terrible). I saw him walking across the lot and stopped, thinking -- groggy as I was -- that I was letting him cross. guess...not? he stomps. he's also big, like stage an intervention big, so...there's that...


I do appreciate you asking that, btw. "reality testing," etc. I dunno. schizophrenia...the "antipsychotics" are really "anti-thought" pills. take the edge off at low(ish) doses, but ramp it up...vegetable! ugh! frustrating.

thanks.

 

[Edward]

-ugh- "rejects," etc. are dealt with -so harshly- , the label is...at times, something of a blessing.

You are in good company Brother. It used to be about whatever but now it's about something else. You're fulfilling prophecy Brother. Jesus said, they hated Him first so they will hate you too.

But political correctness wont let them yet admit that it's because of who you have inside you, so they can't let go of the Label they gave you and harp on that crap instead.

people are taunting me with jail and/or prison talk. good thing I got the plea deal...

Right, so they can't really do anything but spout off. Have you ever thought about playing up to it to scare the pee out of these people? Wear a Hockey Mask or something, lol. I bet they'd run if you ran at them wearing a Hockey mask and making gurgling noises! Then tell the cops, what'sa matter can't a schizophrenic have a sense of humor! What could they do? Lol.

Prolly really shouldn't do that but it sounds good on paper, lol.

 

[GodsGrace]

ugh. me, yet again.

Moved home a bit over 10 years ago. legal trouble, saved on bond. plea deal (--narrowly-- avoided a felony!), probation. off probation for over 5 years, now...

not even a traffic ticket. I live in a nice, modest place that is -thankfully- owned by family. They're not rich, but they had the means to scoop up one of the last, last, last nice and modest pieces of property this area had to offer for some people, and they were able to do it without a mortgage (God is merciful...I mention this because it helps me feel better about the situation).

I'll soon be 38. I keep a low profile. One bonus to being labeled with "Schizophrenia" ? At times, it...allows me to be in society, but not really of it. Not ideal for most people, but I was regarded as a "weakling" and/or "mega-loser," and now I"m health and normal and apparently have a "high IQ (estimate)," but...

-ugh- "rejects," etc. are dealt with -so harshly- , the label is...at times, something of a blessing.

The insults and taunts have gone up a couple of notches recently, and I don't know why. My parents got me my first new vehicle. Not fancy, and I needed a vehicle, and...yeah. grace: unmerited favor. Its not deluxe, but it is -nice- and I like it. maybe that's part of it?

I live in a small city near my small hometown. parents are nearby. I get...nervous. Nervous about what my future will look like, without my parents. Nervous about the way all my former so-called "friends" were there, as I disintegrated at all levels, and it was as if...nothing was happening, at the time? They're almost all extra-respectable now...4 year degrees, graduate degrees, one got a PhD not too long ago. I wish them well, its just...wow. wow.

Prison would be a fairly logical outcome to my own sins, mistakes, and "the way the world works." truth? mostly mama...but dad too...kept me out of prison. and out of the state hospital. I don't even have a felony (!), which...to me, is a testimony of God's love and mercy, working thru wonderful parents and a surprisingly decent human being of a defense attorney.

"small town loser...wrong crowd...PRISON!," and now its "former pill head...high IQ...well to do hippy parents...Schizophrenic..." not complaining, not proud, either, just...that's the situation. what to make of it?

Parents are wonderful. Even my dad has warmed up to me. I'm no longer sickly and effeminate, off putting...more foppish, apparently I'd "be pretty, if he dropped weight" (did I mention the bullying and taunts? LOL). Mama is amazing, per usual. southern homosexual, "come to Jesus story..." long suffering mama...

ugh. I almost feel like a need some buttermilk biscuits and a Valium, maybe watch some old Tennessee Williams plays turned into movies. Suddenly, last summer?

-1- long term, friendly acquaintance keeps in touch. she's urban, professional. she sends me her old New Yorkers. I'm left wing, not that kind of left wing. more...social programs, less conflict and cruelty, pray and hope and...there don't seem to be any magazines for me, not really. OK. sometimes sojourners hits the spot. not often.

people are taunting me with jail and/or prison talk. good thing I got the plea deal...

I read over state law, it seems that anyone convicted of a felony should spend at least 3 months locked up. -eek- my original charges carried a max of 15 -years-. my plea deal had me do 3 years probation, done and done. "go forth and sin no more..."

I'm doing what I can.

I do need to toughen up. I get confused, I get confused and I'm still too...soft. It isn't that my feelings hurt so much as it is...who are these people? Why don't they find some other lost soul to taunt and torment? am I really -that- notorious?

ok. please pray for my parents, for me, and for our enemies (sadly, even my hardworking, long suffering parents seem to have some enemies...-eek- world we all live in, I suppose...).

Thanks

I always tell you CE, you're doing good.
Jesus said we also have to love ourselves...He was the best psychiatrist!!

Keep it up and don't let the small town folk get you down. They always have something to say.

But God has the last word !

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, y'all.

being a "mental patient..." generally -decidedly- un-fun. blah. but...

God is merciful!

I have the high IQ estimate, now. I was estimated at around 120 at baseline. I sort of interpret that as God saying "yes, you're forgiven...," plus....

I dunno. I write better, make convo better, understand material more quickly and completely. -thank goodness-

Not to go all Marxist, but I think a lot of it is about social class. My parents hit the well to do range a bit over 10 years ago, around the time I moved home. I was regarded as "poor white trash." They took me in while I was on bond and then let me live with them while on probation, and now...

I'm part of the "family unit" again. They're wonderful people, and God's work in our lives has made us all...happier, more content.

I could do without the clinic. Then again...shrinks in general...not fun for me to deal with. I don't get it, honestly.

The taunts are...just part of life for now, I suppose. "tomorrow is another day" Eventually, I'll get to the point where I can do my own thing and think less about what other people -think about me- and more about what other people may -need- , which...is a vital part of being a Christian.

blah. I think I'm expected to "know my place," by people I don't even know and who don't seem to really know "their place," either, so...??? what to make of it? I guess this happens when an outcast gets a plea deal and the state hospital isn't big enough to make room for another pariah? LOL.


alright. thanks, as always.

 

[jerry63935]

get...nervous. Nervous about what my future will look like, without my parents.

i am sure your parents have you covered place to stay etc covered .i have cousin who has had some issues from birth his parent fixed up a trust fund for him when they passed. his dad passed away. my aunt is living in a assisted living . he has something similar dont sweat it talk to them

 

[jerry63935]

being a "mental patient..

by a doctors standard

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...that's the thing...

the shrinks say they "help" people, but they mostly seem to rip people to shreds and call it "treatment." I get static when I go to the clinic and...I see now: even in the 21st century, "mental health" is so evil, my med checks every 3-4 months and occasional counseling is viewed as "special treatment." NOT ALLOWED! -eek-

thankfully, most of the state hospital is gone. done and gone. developers bought some of it...old, beautiful buildings...and then it burned down. -eek- end of an era...

point there is...not really any place to put "uppity psych patients" like me, these days. private hospitals can't get $$$ out of me. parents have the clout and resources to buffer against the state facilities. maybe that's what a lot of this static and crazy talk is about? -control control control-

I get concerned...about the mail box (apt.-style buildings, each unit has a key for their box...) and the unnerving sense that somehow, someone is getting access to my mail -before me- . -not fun- but I can't put a camera or anything in shared areas, so...???

a couple who I think hated me are gone, now. I wish them well...but I'm still glad they don't live here. make sense?

I was out there, like...whoa. Its...well, now I see Romans 8:28 in action, big time. In Christ, my wasted years...don't seem so wasted, after all. If I hadn't at least tried to go to college, I probably would have just ended up in jail, prison. same with all the psych jibber jabber...can't support yourself and low status, apparently they'll prescribe pills and put down nonsense and lies (my case, back in the day). but at least I was spared prison...and also the state hospital. and now...

"he -developed- Schizophrenia!" I try to think of it more as spiritual warfare than anything else. Not in a victimized way, just...I'm not a member of this community, so calling "it" "Schizophrenia" is just...medical code for: not a member of the community. I can deal with this, honestly.

I tried to -not- have to go to the clinic, but...ugh. I seem stuck. no outpatient shrink will take me. a family doctor said that I'd need to see a shrink for the prescriptions, because I'd been hospitalized, etc. there's a place...psychiatric, but its mostly nurse practitioners, one can self-pay for occasional med checks. Maybe that'll do it? I just...don't want the junk and jibber jabber. -not fun- but could be way, way, way worse. so...yet again: God is Love. God is Good. My parents are awesome! I'm a work in progress, and with Jesus I've come a long, long, long way.

blah. meanwhile, the taunts and junk continue. I gave a neighbor a ride the other day. felt good, on my end. he offered cash...I turned him down, it honestly strikes me as so ridiculous that we're often all so hard on each other, at each other's throats. is it everywhere? -shrug-

thanks again.

 

[jerry63935]

a family doctor said that I'd need to see a shrink for the prescriptions

you just might be over medicated

 

[Christ_empowered]

its 2 things, low-normal doses. they're doing that to more people now...I have family and friends on -1- thing, things family doctors prescribed even 10 years ago...

"I can refer you to a psychiatrist..."

I don't get it.

 

[jerry63935]

its 2 things, low-normal doses. they're doing that to more people now...I have family and friends on -1- thing, things family doctors prescribed even 10 years ago...

"I can refer you to a psychiatrist..."

I don't get it.

it part of control and other part big pharmacy .. dont get me wrong im sure shrinks as i call them can be of great help.. its all the blasted medicine i oppose . i have a niece who has studied phycology her mom my niece is a control freak and all about her and her alone.

I don't get it.

they dont want you to get it.. you can over come alot of this through the good Lord a good Christian physiatrist can be helpful to /

 

[Christ_empowered]

im reducing. the "antipsychotic" (read: modern tranquilizer) is considered "standard treatment" for my label/diagnosis. My dosage is lower, already. I was hoping to get a family doctor because they tend to use lower doses, and all you have to do is say "hey, could you lower xyz?" and they'll usually try. psychiatrists? pshaw. especially at clinics, it seems like their job is to people on as many mind-numbing pills as possible...

and its all the people/patients. i don't have to do labs for my 2 meds, but the last prescriber wanted to try this, that, they other thing..and I kept having to tactfully smile and find a reason to decline. it was...ridiculous. truly, truly ridiculous.

I just...hate how I -have- to do my own homework and advocate for myself. if I didn't I'd be on some sleep all day/gain 500lbs cocktail that everybody (and their mama!) gets at this clinic. right now...

I've come to the conclusion that my problems never really were "psychiatric," and they aren't now, either. I think, honestly, I had a lot of -physical health- issues, and The Lord has seen fit to make me -healthy- , so...

surprise! happier, more content, not so "crazy..."

but labeled, so I have to navigate the mental (ill)health system, probably for a while to come yet.

God is Good. He has shown His goodness to me, already. thing is...

I'm not hearing voices. coming to the realization that yes, people say xyz...and yes, people have been in my place (I'm missing a coffee maker I bought on sale...less than thrilled about that...) is...on the one hand, freeing. and also...terrifying, or at least...scary. -reality- sometimes includes evil, evil junk.

 

[jerry63935]

im reducing. the "antipsychotic" (read: modern tranquilizer) is considered "standard treatment" for my label/diagnosis. My dosage is lower, already. I was hoping to get a family doctor because they tend to use lower doses, and all you have to do is say "hey, could you lower xyz?" and they'll usually try. psychiatrists? pshaw. especially at clinics, it seems like their job is to people on as many mind-numbing pills as possible...

and its all the people/patients. i don't have to do labs for my 2 meds, but the last prescriber wanted to try this, that, they other thing..and I kept having to tactfully smile and find a reason to decline. it was...ridiculous. truly, truly ridiculous.

I just...hate how I -have- to do my own homework and advocate for myself. if I didn't I'd be on some sleep all day/gain 500lbs cocktail that everybody (and their mama!) gets at this clinic. right now...

I've come to the conclusion that my problems never really were "psychiatric," and they aren't now, either. I think, honestly, I had a lot of -physical health- issues, and The Lord has seen fit to make me -healthy- , so...

surprise! happier, more content, not so "crazy..."

but labeled, so I have to navigate the mental (ill)health system, probably for a while to come yet.

God is Good. He has shown His goodness to me, already. thing is...

I'm not hearing voices. coming to the realization that yes, people say xyz...and yes, people have been in my place (I'm missing a coffee maker I bought on sale...less than thrilled about that...) is...on the one hand, freeing. and also...terrifying, or at least...scary. -reality- sometimes includes evil, evil junk.

i would think a good doctor would listen to you

I've come to the conclusion that my problems never really were "psychiatric," and they aren't now, either

glad to see this your on the right path

 

[Christ_empowered]

not to be anti-psychiatry but...

ugh. by and large, they're all the same. if one can go to a private practice doc (not the clinic I go to), one might get more compassionate treatment, somewhat lower dosages, etc. and then...

around -here- at least (for whatever reason, we have a doctor shortage...its worse with specialists, including psychiatrists), the only way (it seems...) to get a shrink to really, truly listen and -not- power trip and -not- get snarky is...

to go to one of the growing number of no insurance, cash at time of service shrinks. ugh. 300+ for the initial, 150-200+ for med checks. I'm thinking...

oh man. I just don't want the snark and rudeness of the clinic, right? Right. Once, at the clinic, I was being booked for 30 minute sessions with a psychiatrist. tricksy rabbit, he's gone, now. anyway...one day, he was talking about meds and it had a seizure risk, and I told him that I'd had a seizure because I was taken off a Valium-type drug too quickly (relatively common adverse event, but also easy to avoid). His face...turned red, he started muttering, wrote prescriptions super quickly, and all but pushed me out of his office. I'm thinking...??? what gives?

there's some places here semi-locally...psych nurse practitioners. The self pay rate is lower than a shrink. they seem friendly enough, accessible, all that. my parents would have to $hell out, though, and...ugh. ugh. no guarantee that they'd actually be professional and all that...I was seriously,, seriously, seriously taunted and mistreated and over-billed at private hospitals, so...???

ok. truth? a good thing about "antipsychotics" (read: tranquilizers...they calm everybody down, not just "mental patients") is that they're fast acting. this is good because I can keep my lower daily dosage, and then if I get agitated, I can take 1/4-1/2 pill, just as needed...

then go back to my lowered daily dosage. my last shrink approved, because he was trained in the 70s, and apparently they were more into psychosocial supports, more honest about limitations of meds etc. back then. ugh.