Question about an Issue

[CreationistChristian]

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ. I do have a dilemma and a rather interesting question to a situation.

Here is a situation. I have a friend that is disabled and in his upper 60s. He is a part of my Church for quite a while. He lives in an apartment and he has never been married before. We had a similar situation, which I will explain in a little bit.

He has a friend, living in France for the time being. She is originally from America, but she was visiting France a number of years ago. But soon afterwards, her health had go down fast. She is unable to take care of herself and needs someone to rely on for medical care. She wants to come to America to live here. My friend never seen her before, but he talked with her many times before.

Here is the situation. She has no where to go. My friend said that he will share his apartment with her until she finds some place better. Remember, he has never been married before and to have a woman stay with him. I suggested that maybe she should be go in a nursing home, but he said that she would not survive there. Here is the question: Should a man, who is unmarried and doesn't have children, have a woman to stay with him, even if she would be homeless and would need medical care? I believe that she was married before, because he mentioned about her son.

And about the other incident earlier, there was a homeless woman that he was friends with for a while. He allowed her to stay over, against what the pastors of my Church wanted for him to do. She spent 3 months with him and they fought like cats and dogs. Matter of fact, when I was on the phone with him one day, I overheard her talking about killing him and herself. I was so tempted to call the police right then and there, but I told him that if she made any kind of remark like that to either call the Police or myself. After about 3 months, she finally left.

I do admire his passion to help people, but I think he is taking too much into his hands and not going by what the Word of God or even my Pastors say.

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Welcome CreationistChristian to CF.net

I understand your concerns. I would have the same concerns, too.

It could be that your friend is a well meaning gentleman that simply wants to give your friend from France a comfortable stay and he isn't seeing the bigger picture here.

Also, on an awkward note - it could be the two have been talking and arranging this and she is making excuses to come to America and stay in his apartment and if she uses "dire medical needs/emergency" that it'll be easier to get over here to the USA. I mean, it can happen, not saying it is happening here, but after a lot in my life - I guess I have a hard time trusting people.

Either way, does she have family here in the USA that can help her more when she travels back? They may want to be the first ones to help.

I totally agree that it would probably be best for the friend from France to get settled in the nursing care facility that can have someone checking on her as often as necessary, but those places are expensive so unless she can get like Medicare coverage or some type of nursing facility assistance to help pay for it, or had a lot of money, I'm not sure how she could afford it? Most nursing care facilities are $4,500/month on the cheap end.

Either way, perhaps you'd be able to set her up with an age based low income living in your area that could be a bit more accommodating if you end up having to suggest some places to live or help her out. Some places do have the emergency pull switches in each apartment/condo if they need it and check on their tenants.

Either way, your friend might just want to help. He may be lonely. Perhaps those vulnerabilities leave him left as the doormat. It sounds like those around him have given good advice to tell him, "No, don't allow that." So the support is there to make the right decision which is good.

As much as your friend wants to help, he may not be able to provide the care that she needs right now - it sounds like she needs a lot more care than perhaps most people can provide. A facility where she's checked on often and there whenever she needs would probably be more suitable.

 

[for_his_glory]

My question would be is why doesn't her son help her. I can only assume she has other family members in America. Seeing that he has never met this lady, but has only spoken to her and she lives in another country I would be very leery not really knowing the reality of who this woman is in real life. Is her agenda in coming to America legit as her being so bad she can not take care of herself anymore and if she is that bad how will she survive the long trip back to America.

Being that your friend is also disabled how will he care for her if she is in such bad health, especially if she needs help getting in and out of a bath if she needs assistance with that. I have no idea what her finances are and he should ask her, then try to get her into assisted living apartment as they both can have this arranged before she comes here.

I see he has a good heart, but not really thinking all of this through. Anybody can be a different person then what they appear on the internet or on the phone if one has never met them face to face as well I know and many others. I don't want to sound like a pessimists, but pros and cons have to be thought through and he really needs to pray and seek God direction on this.

 

[tdidymas]

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ. I do have a dilemma and a rather interesting question to a situation.

Here is a situation. I have a friend that is disabled and in his upper 60s. He is a part of my Church for quite a while. He lives in an apartment and he has never been married before. We had a similar situation, which I will explain in a little bit.

He has a friend, living in France for the time being. She is originally from America, but she was visiting France a number of years ago. But soon afterwards, her health had go down fast. She is unable to take care of herself and needs someone to rely on for medical care. She wants to come to America to live here. My friend never seen her before, but he talked with her many times before.

Here is the situation. She has no where to go. My friend said that he will share his apartment with her until she finds some place better. Remember, he has never been married before and to have a woman stay with him. I suggested that maybe she should be go in a nursing home, but he said that she would not survive there. Here is the question: Should a man, who is unmarried and doesn't have children, have a woman to stay with him, even if she would be homeless and would need medical care? I believe that she was married before, because he mentioned about her son.

And about the other incident earlier, there was a homeless woman that he was friends with for a while. He allowed her to stay over, against what the pastors of my Church wanted for him to do. She spent 3 months with him and they fought like cats and dogs. Matter of fact, when I was on the phone with him one day, I overheard her talking about killing him and herself. I was so tempted to call the police right then and there, but I told him that if she made any kind of remark like that to either call the Police or myself. After about 3 months, she finally left.

I do admire his passion to help people, but I think he is taking too much into his hands and not going by what the Word of God or even my Pastors say.

Trying to help someone in dire need sounds much like codependency. If he has done that in the past and didn't help, it should have been tuition in the school of hard knocks. Just because it appears you have helped someone temporarily, doesn't mean you really helped them. Something like that should be submitted to church leadership, since the Bible says there is wisdom in much counsel. Are there elders in the church who can give advice and help in the situation?

Another question begged: Is this guy a sucker who got hooked on a lady in distress narrative? Does he want to help because the Lord is telling him to, or because he wants to be a knight in shining armor? If he met her in forum and learned all this from that conversation, he could easily be duped. It may be that he is caught up in her narrative, believing whatever she says, without any means to check her out. Who knows how many others she has hooked into that narrative?

It sounds like the guy needs some accountability. If he was in my church and open for advice, I would have to ask a bunch of questions along these lines. I would need to determine if his desire to help her was a sinful and fleshly desire, and hopefully the same would be revealed to him in the dialog. If he went headlong into that kind of relationship against the advice of counsel, I'd tell him he's on his own. Some people have to be really stung hard to learn from their mistakes.

 

[Adoration]

Trying to help someone in dire need sounds much like codependency. If he has done that in the past and didn't help, it should have been tuition in the school of hard knocks. Just because it appears you have helped someone temporarily, doesn't mean you really helped them. Something like that should be submitted to church leadership, since the Bible says there is wisdom in much counsel. Are there elders in the church who can give advice and help in the situation?

Another question begged: Is this guy a sucker who got hooked on a lady in distress narrative? Does he want to help because the Lord is telling him to, or because he wants to be a knight in shining armor? If he met her in forum and learned all this from that conversation, he could easily be duped. It may be that he is caught up in her narrative, believing whatever she says, without any means to check her out. Who knows how many others she has hooked into that narrative?

It sounds like the guy needs some accountability. If he was in my church and open for advice, I would have to ask a bunch of questions along these lines. I would need to determine if his desire to help her was a sinful and fleshly desire, and hopefully the same would be revealed to him in the dialog. If he went headlong into that kind of relationship against the advice of counsel, I'd tell him he's on his own. Some people have to be really stung hard to learn from their mistakes.

You have spoken some of the issues I observed when I read the OP. First off the bat... and the thing that trumps everything is a single man... trying to help a single woman... with the offer of accomodation.... NOPE... not EVER.

Some people have a difficult time allowing GOD to work in others' lives... we tend to desire to meddle in things that we know nothing about.... the fact that this woman lives in another country altogether... It just makes no sense to me whatsoever... All I get when I read this dilemma is red flag after red flag.

 

[Who Me]

Here is a situation

If he is a friend, then you need to be brutally blunt and tell him not to have this women stay with him.

1, Because an unmarried man and women should not co habit the same property.
2, she should be looking for her family to help her, either biological or her church family.
3, he is disabled so how does he proposed to help another disabled person?
4, his earlier attempt done against his churches advice nearly ended in violence. Has he learnt nothing from that as to how vunerable he is.
5, who is paying for her living expenses and medical expenses?
How does he know that she won't drain his insurance savings etc.

Put these and any other objections you have to him, do stress you do this because you are concerned for him and will not cut him off if he ignores your advice.

Could it be that he is lonely and wants company?

 

[Truthfrees]

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ. I do have a dilemma and a rather interesting question to a situation.

Here is a situation. I have a friend that is disabled and in his upper 60s. He is a part of my Church for quite a while. He lives in an apartment and he has never been married before. We had a similar situation, which I will explain in a little bit.

He has a friend, living in France for the time being. She is originally from America, but she was visiting France a number of years ago. But soon afterwards, her health had go down fast. She is unable to take care of herself and needs someone to rely on for medical care. She wants to come to America to live here. My friend never seen her before, but he talked with her many times before.

Here is the situation. She has no where to go. My friend said that he will share his apartment with her until she finds some place better. Remember, he has never been married before and to have a woman stay with him. I suggested that maybe she should be go in a nursing home, but he said that she would not survive there. Here is the question: Should a man, who is unmarried and doesn't have children, have a woman to stay with him, even if she would be homeless and would need medical care? I believe that she was married before, because he mentioned about her son.

And about the other incident earlier, there was a homeless woman that he was friends with for a while. He allowed her to stay over, against what the pastors of my Church wanted for him to do. She spent 3 months with him and they fought like cats and dogs. Matter of fact, when I was on the phone with him one day, I overheard her talking about killing him and herself. I was so tempted to call the police right then and there, but I told him that if she made any kind of remark like that to either call the Police or myself. After about 3 months, she finally left.

I do admire his passion to help people, but I think he is taking too much into his hands and not going by what the Word of God or even my Pastors say.

he has compassion but no Godly wisdom - scripture says he who suffers in his body is done with sin - your friend has not really felt enough pain from the way he helps others so he will continue to do it

i have talked with people like your friend and they never heed warnings - in fact they dig their heels in and are more determined to help than before

i have learned to offer a person wiser options - often they will take a wiser option if it is available but don't expect your friend to turn a person away with no options

iow if you can help your friend find a place for this woman to stay he might do that - but if you want him to turn the woman away he will never do that

salvation army has homeless shelters - and women's centers take in single women and women with children - imo the best way to help your friend is help him find something for her and/or pray for him - there is nothing you can do to change his mind on how he helps people - the people abusing his kindness are the only ones who will eventually cause him to change his mind about how he helps people - don't be afraid for him - just pray for him - if the situation causes you stress try to avoid talking to him about it and know that God is the author and perfector of his faith and will finish the work He started in him - use this situation to trust God more and pray more fervently as it might be the only option

praying for you and him

 

[CreationistChristian]

Welcome CreationistChristian to CF.net

I understand your concerns. I would have the same concerns, too.

It could be that your friend is a well meaning gentleman that simply wants to give your friend from France a comfortable stay and he isn't seeing the bigger picture here.

Also, on an awkward note - it could be the two have been talking and arranging this and she is making excuses to come to America and stay in his apartment and if she uses "dire medical needs/emergency" that it'll be easier to get over here to the USA. I mean, it can happen, not saying it is happening here, but after a lot in my life - I guess I have a hard time trusting people.

Either way, does she have family here in the USA that can help her more when she travels back? They may want to be the first ones to help.

I totally agree that it would probably be best for the friend from France to get settled in the nursing care facility that can have someone checking on her as often as necessary, but those places are expensive so unless she can get like Medicare coverage or some type of nursing facility assistance to help pay for it, or had a lot of money, I'm not sure how she could afford it? Most nursing care facilities are $4,500/month on the cheap end.

Either way, perhaps you'd be able to set her up with an age based low income living in your area that could be a bit more accommodating if you end up having to suggest some places to live or help her out. Some places do have the emergency pull switches in each apartment/condo if they need it and check on their tenants.

Either way, your friend might just want to help. He may be lonely. Perhaps those vulnerabilities leave him left as the doormat. It sounds like those around him have given good advice to tell him, "No, don't allow that." So the support is there to make the right decision which is good.

As much as your friend wants to help, he may not be able to provide the care that she needs right now - it sounds like she needs a lot more care than perhaps most people can provide. A facility where she's checked on often and there whenever she needs would probably be more suitable.

From what I gather, she does have a family, but what he told me is that her family disowned her. Honestly, I do not know much about her family. All I know that she has a 26 year-old son that is living with his grandmother. From apart of that, I do not know.

I am sure that she has a lot of bills from staying in France. She was in the hospital for quite sometime for many different causes. She wanted to come over many times, but she couldn't get on a plane due to her health problems. My friend wants to pick her up from France to bring her here, but it got canceled numerous times. I ask how she is planning to come. He said that she is planning to come by herself, which did seem to puzzle me.

 

[CreationistChristian]

My question would be is why doesn't her son help her. I can only assume she has other family members in America. Seeing that he has never met this lady, but has only spoken to her and she lives in another country I would be very leery not really knowing the reality of who this woman is in real life. Is her agenda in coming to America legit as her being so bad she can not take care of herself anymore and if she is that bad how will she survive the long trip back to America.

Being that your friend is also disabled how will he care for her if she is in such bad health, especially if she needs help getting in and out of a bath if she needs assistance with that. I have no idea what her finances are and he should ask her, then try to get her into assisted living apartment as they both can have this arranged before she comes here.

I see he has a good heart, but not really thinking all of this through. Anybody can be a different person then what they appear on the internet or on the phone if one has never met them face to face as well I know and many others. I don't want to sound like a pessimists, but pros and cons have to be thought through and he really needs to pray and seek God direction on this.

Honestly, I cannot answer that. I am not sure what her son does for a living. All I know from what he told me is that he is 26 years-old and that he is living with his grandmother. I do not know if there are more living relatives or not.

And I know what you mean of being leery of talking to someone from another country that he never met before. I often ask him if this is legit (I used to work in Customer Service and was trained to spot scams and frauds). He is 100% convinced that she wants to come to USA. She said that since she is an American, she wants to die on American's soil than France.

With my friend's disability, he has Cerebral Palsy, which is that he cannot use his leg muscles that much. He has to walk with crutches and cannot lift too heavy things. I often wondered how he could attend to her if she fell.

 

[tdidymas]

Honestly, I cannot answer that. I am not sure what her son does for a living. All I know from what he told me is that he is 26 years-old and that he is living with his grandmother. I do not know if there are more living relatives or not.

And I know what you mean of being leery of talking to someone from another country that he never met before. I often ask him if this is legit (I used to work in Customer Service and was trained to spot scams and frauds). He is 100% convinced that she wants to come to USA. She said that since she is an American, she wants to die on American's soil than France.

With my friend's disability, he has Cerebral Palsy, which is that he cannot use his leg muscles that much. He has to walk with crutches and cannot lift too heavy things. I often wondered how he could attend to her if she fell.

He needs to understand that he can't help her, and that trying to do so, giving her a false hope, would be doing her a disservice.

 

[hawkman]

From what I gather, she does have a family, but what he told me is that her family disowned her. Honestly, I do not know much about her family. All I know that she has a 26 year-old son that is living with his grandmother. From apart of that, I do not know.

I am sure that she has a lot of bills from staying in France. She was in the hospital for quite sometime for many different causes. She wanted to come over many times, but she couldn't get on a plane due to her health problems. My friend wants to pick her up from France to bring her here, but it got canceled numerous times. I ask how she is planning to come. He said that she is planning to come by herself, which did seem to puzzle me.

Ask you friend why the lady's family disowned her ? Are their any confessions of love on either side of this equation ? Is your friend's apartment one bedroom or two ?

I think if you friend really wants to get the truth of what is going on he should actively start looking for the lady " a better place to stay " and should tell her he is doing so . Since she said it would only be temporary to stay with him . Or you could help him find a better place and see how your friend reacts to this .

Just my worth .

I think two seasons of a soap opera could be written about things we don't know about that is going on with his lady friend .

 

[Luminous_Rose]

From what I gather, she does have a family, but what he told me is that her family disowned her. Honestly, I do not know much about her family. All I know that she has a 26 year-old son that is living with his grandmother. From apart of that, I do not know.

I am sure that she has a lot of bills from staying in France. She was in the hospital for quite sometime for many different causes. She wanted to come over many times, but she couldn't get on a plane due to her health problems. My friend wants to pick her up from France to bring her here, but it got canceled numerous times. I ask how she is planning to come. He said that she is planning to come by herself, which did seem to puzzle me.

Sad to hear that her family disowned her although, coming from an area that has a lot of senior citizens, it really isn't an uncommon thing. Some people simply don't want to deal with the aging parent and drop them off at an assisted living facility or some type of senior low income housing. It's really sad, but it happens.

Then, you have older people that kind of just left their family on the other side of the states and yet are lonely here, but don't want to be around their family.

It's rough to hear if that's the case. It would be scary for someone who is in such poor physical health to be traveling on her own back home, but perhaps it's a, "I have to do it or it won't happen?" type of thing. I don't know.

I do hope that she figures out a solution by coming back here. While you can't control what your friend does, you can at least offer advice.

 

[Prycejosh1987]

She spent 3 months with him and they fought like cats and dogs. Matter of fact, when I was on the phone with him one day, I overheard her talking about killing him and herself. I was so tempted to call the police right then and there, but I told him that if she made any kind of remark like that to either call the Police or myself. After about 3 months, she finally left.

That is the thing, when someone wants to kill themselves we have to take that seriously. However, i am glad you didnt call the police, because then that woman would of still went ahead with the suicidal plans but would of been more discreet about things. I think before we let a homeless person stay at our home, we should help them emotionally, this is the big problem. The mentality is a homeless person is bad because of past, and circumstances, and rejection, abuse, etc. Emotional help is most important.