Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,235
- 10,720
i think (?) I'm still in outcast/pariah territory...
and, honestly, the more Jesus moves in my life and my parents' lives...
the more it seems that I'm permanently in laughing stock/ outsider/ pariah territory, but...obviously, blessed and the whole "he comes from a good family" aspect comes into play (my parents were working class when I was born, they're...not rich, not truly middle-middle class, either, now. i guess for this area it'd be considered well to do?).
ugh. i thought a thick skin was the answer. then, i decided to lean on Him, because...not to go off and ramble yet again, but im really tired of all things psychology and self-help and (of course...) psychiatry - related. toughen up, take your " meds," etc. ugh. done.
so, i yeah. the 1st odd, random thing was at a convenience store...one of those with some wal-marts, where you don't go in but they have the person behind a screen. ok. so i paid for gas, kinda early, i was drowsy, while walking away...
there was a 2nd lady in there, not the clerk...she pressed whatever button they press to get sound out to the customer. she said...something...i didnt process it, it was early, then i turned around, cuz..i didnt know what it was about, it was early. the clerk lady was pointing at the other lady, it was...ugh. ugh.
then last night, i was in a chain drugstore, one of the few 24/7 places open. not so great prices on snacks, etc., but i have the customer card, so...usually, it evens out to average, sometimes i get mega-deals. ok. so, i grabbed my goods, i was at the check out place, clerk was doing her thing...
some people were talking -- obviously, loudly enough for me to hear, but not so loud as to be totally socially unacceptable-- about...well me. nasty stuff from the psych records, a lot of which was just...well, they destroyed me, back then. its what shrinks do, all too often...
so, i dealt with that OK, too, by God's grace. I did turn around because...I wanted to see these people (male and female), and I think maybe I did...an older than middle aged, not quite old couple, not too intimidating or anything...but, yeah. yeah.
blah. I'm fairly certain a lot of factors combined to make -this kind of stuff- happen, but the big factors are...1) more than 10 years after filing legal action against a former psychiatrist, I'm -still- considered a trouble maker; 2) I had a dull-average (95-100) IQ back in the day. i mean...the number was average, but with the -obvious- brain damage factored in...dull and psychotic, most days; 3) somehow, my IQ estimate is now 140s-150, which...well, I enjoy -not- having obvious brain damage, but obviously I'm not a fan of trying to rank everybody's level of smart-ness, either. I guess if the estimate is an accurate indicator of...anything...it just means I can process some sorts of information very well, --moving on--
i dunno. id rather -not- be taunted and such, everywhere i go, but...ugh. i don't know about a 'thick skin,' but im dealing with it, better, by His grace. I literally visualize Jesus, on The Cross, at times. a cousin suggested keeping my eyes 'fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified," hence the visualization. ok...
i deal with it OK in the moment, but keep in mind...i was -destroyed- , OK? this isn't a pity party, this is a statement of fact. i was so far gone, my parents were seriously thinking about trying to somehow get me into what's left of the state hospital. thankfully...
most of the state hospital (the main one, not the various facilities for shorter term care) has been trimmed down to the bare bones. and...there's a wait list for people who aren't committed by the order of a judge, so...ok. i ended up with a modest, nice place to live, a decent vehicle, etc...Romans 8:28 in action, yet again.
rambling, per usual. i just...don't know who these people are, even when i see them (I saw the 2nd lady at the convenience store/booth...don't know her), and its...creepy. creepy, weird, and I don't understand.
I praise God for His mercy towards me and towards my family. and...once again, I'm asking for prayer. Thanks.
and, honestly, the more Jesus moves in my life and my parents' lives...
the more it seems that I'm permanently in laughing stock/ outsider/ pariah territory, but...obviously, blessed and the whole "he comes from a good family" aspect comes into play (my parents were working class when I was born, they're...not rich, not truly middle-middle class, either, now. i guess for this area it'd be considered well to do?).
ugh. i thought a thick skin was the answer. then, i decided to lean on Him, because...not to go off and ramble yet again, but im really tired of all things psychology and self-help and (of course...) psychiatry - related. toughen up, take your " meds," etc. ugh. done.
so, i yeah. the 1st odd, random thing was at a convenience store...one of those with some wal-marts, where you don't go in but they have the person behind a screen. ok. so i paid for gas, kinda early, i was drowsy, while walking away...
there was a 2nd lady in there, not the clerk...she pressed whatever button they press to get sound out to the customer. she said...something...i didnt process it, it was early, then i turned around, cuz..i didnt know what it was about, it was early. the clerk lady was pointing at the other lady, it was...ugh. ugh.
then last night, i was in a chain drugstore, one of the few 24/7 places open. not so great prices on snacks, etc., but i have the customer card, so...usually, it evens out to average, sometimes i get mega-deals. ok. so, i grabbed my goods, i was at the check out place, clerk was doing her thing...
some people were talking -- obviously, loudly enough for me to hear, but not so loud as to be totally socially unacceptable-- about...well me. nasty stuff from the psych records, a lot of which was just...well, they destroyed me, back then. its what shrinks do, all too often...
so, i dealt with that OK, too, by God's grace. I did turn around because...I wanted to see these people (male and female), and I think maybe I did...an older than middle aged, not quite old couple, not too intimidating or anything...but, yeah. yeah.
blah. I'm fairly certain a lot of factors combined to make -this kind of stuff- happen, but the big factors are...1) more than 10 years after filing legal action against a former psychiatrist, I'm -still- considered a trouble maker; 2) I had a dull-average (95-100) IQ back in the day. i mean...the number was average, but with the -obvious- brain damage factored in...dull and psychotic, most days; 3) somehow, my IQ estimate is now 140s-150, which...well, I enjoy -not- having obvious brain damage, but obviously I'm not a fan of trying to rank everybody's level of smart-ness, either. I guess if the estimate is an accurate indicator of...anything...it just means I can process some sorts of information very well, --moving on--
i dunno. id rather -not- be taunted and such, everywhere i go, but...ugh. i don't know about a 'thick skin,' but im dealing with it, better, by His grace. I literally visualize Jesus, on The Cross, at times. a cousin suggested keeping my eyes 'fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified," hence the visualization. ok...
i deal with it OK in the moment, but keep in mind...i was -destroyed- , OK? this isn't a pity party, this is a statement of fact. i was so far gone, my parents were seriously thinking about trying to somehow get me into what's left of the state hospital. thankfully...
most of the state hospital (the main one, not the various facilities for shorter term care) has been trimmed down to the bare bones. and...there's a wait list for people who aren't committed by the order of a judge, so...ok. i ended up with a modest, nice place to live, a decent vehicle, etc...Romans 8:28 in action, yet again.
rambling, per usual. i just...don't know who these people are, even when i see them (I saw the 2nd lady at the convenience store/booth...don't know her), and its...creepy. creepy, weird, and I don't understand.
I praise God for His mercy towards me and towards my family. and...once again, I'm asking for prayer. Thanks.
