[__ Prayer __] Recovery, church

[Christ_empowered]

...I have a terrible reputation around here. And yet...I need to get into a church. Or I think I do.

Its like this...I should have been sent to a state mental hospital years ago. Now, I'm in recovery. The shrinks who didn't send me to the state mental hospital say I had a severe personality disorder and now I have schizophrenia. The shrinks who are treating me say I'm in recovery from severe Bipolar I, which, in my case, includes a total and complete psychotic break, with lingering problems.

OK. Its like...I apparently "don't know my place," I'm "uppity," etc. I'm just recovering, that's all. I go to Liberty online, which is a huge blessing. I live with my ever lovin' mama and daddy, which is another huge blessing. At my old place, a little apt. over a garage my parents bought for me, people started stealing my mail and yelling stuff at me.

I thought a Pentecostal church would be best, but now I have my doubts. I'm a celibate former gay. I'm not effeminate or a flamer anymore, but...with my reputation...I'm wondering if a more liberal church would be better. I was raised PCUSA and a couple years ago, the current minister @ the local PCUSA church emailed me a couple times. I still have his addy, so I'm wondering...wondering...wondering....

This is so strange. I think I've only recently acknowledged: yes, this is what severe mental illness looks like. And I'm just now recovering from what a psychotic break that destroyed my personality, from involuntary electroshock that destroyed my memories. Ugh.

Its hard to be lucid, yet mentally ill. People expect you to know your place or live in poverty or...you get the picture. And because I did drugs back in the day and generally led a sinful life, a lot of people blame me for everything. I can't blame them. I mean, drugs sometimes = madness. Then again, all that electroshock probably didn't help, either, but...whatever...

...please pray that I find, if not a church, then supportive, Christian people to hang out with and talk to. I spend my days in my parents' rather nice house, sometimes doing work for Liberty, coming back to reality slowly, but surely, and only by Christ's grace.

Please also pray that, since I'm here at least until I've recovered enough to have a job and be somewhat autonomous, that my community calms down when it comes to their animosity towards me. I wasn't a good person, and I was a convenient target (ugly, poor, stupid, former junkie), so people really put me through Hell on earth. My mind broke at 23, and I'm just now recovering.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. Nobody liked me before I went crazy. Now, I'm lucid, I'm surprisingly smart (hey, who needs brain cells?, lol), and I have a completely different personality, and...

...nobody cares. If anything, God's work in my life offends their sensibilities.

Please pray.

 

[Angel]

You've got my prayers

 

[AirDancer]

Our Lord has blessed you (and continues to do so) as He has pulled you from your prior life to your present life. He is changing you into the man He wishes you to be. And you are listening to Him. This is brilliant!

Prayers continue for you, my friend!

 

[Edward]

It sounds like your neighbors and townsfolk need prayed for worse than you brother, just sayin'

I will.

 

[Eugene]

Dear Brother Christ_empowered, to me all are in recovery of something in their lives. God is good in that He puts us where we can cope, and/or recover as it were to the degree we can glorify His work in us.

In subjection, yet a brother and son we project a light of Him if allowed to, and become His emissaries’. In the past you have mentioned the spiritual walk of your parents affected by what you have experienced. We do not what tomorrow will bring, and as they age they may be the ones in need of your support. In all your trials God has, and is preparing you for something far exceeding your capabilities seemingly for their good also.

You said you have SSI as a backup, and that is totally supportive in all areas of your livelihood from shelter, food, and hospitalization if needed. What will you do in the meantime will be influenced in your love of those God has you there for, His will for their spiritual growth, and any light He allows you to project to that effect.

Live each day as if you are on a mission as an entertaining angel (messenger) unawares for other’s good and learn to look for the peace derived in a job well done. King David suffered in many things, and his prayer was for God to restore the joy of his salvation. What David did not know is that God had prophesied that he would do all His will in Act 13:22. What? A killer of thousands, and one that committed adultery even to having the husband killed? Yes and God is using you too CE even here on these forums as an example of what God is capable of in seemingly impossible odds. For instance I look at the testimony of Angel and just love what God is using her for as an example to all going through similar problems, and you and her both have a real ministry among us.

God can take us that are unlovely and turn our lives unto His perfect will. Learn to forget the past, observe His work as it continues in us, and watch the deliverance and glory of His salvation that will lead others to an eternity in His presence also. Blessings to you CE in those things you suffer that are building you an inheritance immeasurable. 1 Pet 1:7.

 

[Angel]

Dear Brother Christ_empowered For instance I look at the testimony of Angel and just love what God is using her for as an example to all going through similar problems, and you and her both have a real ministry among us.

Dear Eugene, I appreciate this statement SO much! In a way it is actually prophetic---and is conformation to something I am currently seeking God's answer for. I can really say that God spoke to me through you. I desire a career that will enable me to comfort people and relate with them while teaching them skills to cope and change their lives; for those struggling with addictions and mental illness.

Such a blessing! Amen!

 

[Cturtle]

...I have a terrible reputation around here. And yet...I need to get into a church. Or I think I do.

Its like this...I should have been sent to a state mental hospital years ago. Now, I'm in recovery. The shrinks who didn't send me to the state mental hospital say I had a severe personality disorder and now I have schizophrenia. The shrinks who are treating me say I'm in recovery from severe Bipolar I, which, in my case, includes a total and complete psychotic break, with lingering problems.

OK. Its like...I apparently "don't know my place," I'm "uppity," etc. I'm just recovering, that's all. I go to Liberty online, which is a huge blessing. I live with my ever lovin' mama and daddy, which is another huge blessing. At my old place, a little apt. over a garage my parents bought for me, people started stealing my mail and yelling stuff at me.

I thought a Pentecostal church would be best, but now I have my doubts. I'm a celibate former gay. I'm not effeminate or a flamer anymore, but...with my reputation...I'm wondering if a more liberal church would be better. I was raised PCUSA and a couple years ago, the current minister @ the local PCUSA church emailed me a couple times. I still have his addy, so I'm wondering...wondering...wondering....

This is so strange. I think I've only recently acknowledged: yes, this is what severe mental illness looks like. And I'm just now recovering from what a psychotic break that destroyed my personality, from involuntary electroshock that destroyed my memories. Ugh.

Its hard to be lucid, yet mentally ill. People expect you to know your place or live in poverty or...you get the picture. And because I did drugs back in the day and generally led a sinful life, a lot of people blame me for everything. I can't blame them. I mean, drugs sometimes = madness. Then again, all that electroshock probably didn't help, either, but...whatever...

...please pray that I find, if not a church, then supportive, Christian people to hang out with and talk to. I spend my days in my parents' rather nice house, sometimes doing work for Liberty, coming back to reality slowly, but surely, and only by Christ's grace.

Please also pray that, since I'm here at least until I've recovered enough to have a job and be somewhat autonomous, that my community calms down when it comes to their animosity towards me. I wasn't a good person, and I was a convenient target (ugly, poor, stupid, former junkie), so people really put me through Hell on earth. My mind broke at 23, and I'm just now recovering.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. Nobody liked me before I went crazy. Now, I'm lucid, I'm surprisingly smart (hey, who needs brain cells?, lol), and I have a completely different personality, and...

...nobody cares. If anything, God's work in my life offends their sensibilities.

Please pray.

Commit your plans to the Lord, and He will show you where He wants you. Father, Thank You for speaking to ce's heart and showing him where you want him to attend. You are giving him the desire to fellowship, and attend church and I thank You for leading and guiding Your lamb. He is Your sheep and he knows Your voice, thank You for helping him to hear you! Bless him Father with eyes to see and ears to hear. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen

 

[Cturtle]

Dear Eugene, I appreciate this statement SO much! In a way it is actually prophetic---and is conformation to something I am currently seeking God's answer for. I can really say that God spoke to me through you. I desire a career that will enable me to comfort people and relate with them while teaching them skills to cope and change their lives; for those struggling with addictions and mental illness.

Such a blessing! Amen!

Angel,
Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 this is your life in Christ. God has brought great comfort to you so that you can then go and bring comfort to others. Everything we go through is always not only for our benefit but for someone else. There are many people in the world who need Jesus, but because of the reputation of the church, they may never step foot in one. You may be the only example of Jesus that someone ever sees. And you may be the only one that can minister to them because you have walked in their shoes.
Just like one of the reasons why Jesus was sent to walk on this earth. So that we know that Jesus endured every emotion and temptation that we have, that way it makes it easier to trust someone who knows what we have been through
May the Lord richly bless all that you put your hand to!

 

[jack K]

Great Post Eugene, very uplifting just what I needed to hear, my life is very much upside down at the moment.

CE just to reiterate what Eugene is saying and I believe in that and it is something I try to live by, it's the little things that count. We live oceans apart and reading your post gives me hope at times. I am always like "geez this guy has been through so much, it's just not fair and he still believes in God." It's amazing how we get lost in everyday life and we forget about what really matters.
I have this poem stuck on the inside of my wardrobe.

Be yourself
Often we want to be somewhere other than where are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Some comparisons makes us feel guilty, ashamed or jealous. It is very important to realize that our true vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.
We will never try to find our true vocation by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do. Be yourself!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks, everyone. It just seems so impossible at times. You go off the rails--in my case, around 17, when I went off to college--and its nearly impossible to get back into mainstream society. In my case, I've been punished by "mental health professionals" for making "poor life choices." Truth is, I was an easy target, and they're now absolutely no better than me.

I don't know what to do, or where to go. I go to Liberty online and I do well, but...sometimes, I have doubts, you know? A 4 year degree is no longer a guarantee of anything, especially for someone like me. People like me are generally in prison, in jail, homeless, maybe in state mental hospitals, definitely living in poverty and subject to the scrutiny and control of those around them, especially the mental health "professionals." Like I wrote earlier, God's work in my life offends worldly peoples' sensibilities.

I am a completely different person. I write well, I'm developing a work ethic, I'm easy to get along with, I'm surprisingly intelligent, my masculinity is developing (I have a solidly masculine identity, and that is a miracle in and of itself), and, most of all...I'm Born Again. I've been forgiven, washed and made clean. The last part of that--washed and made clean--is particularly important. You can only be called a "dirty little faggot" so many times before it makes you feel nasty and dirty and...yeah, not fun. I think one reason I do the vitamin thing ("Orthomolecular Medicine") is because I was made to feel nasty and all that, and I was/am trying to purge myself. Probably the same reason I got into juice fasting, honestly.

I'm hoping I won't be poor for all of my life. I mean, I'm poor in the technical sense now--all my money comes from SSI, and that goes straight to my dad--but I don't live in poverty, so its not really a big deal, you know? Everything I need and then some is provided for me, and that's huge. Its like...I'm not even in the social hierarchy around here, because I'm not a member of the community. I'm a "mental patient," but my newly affluent people take care of me and protect me (I even have an attorney, lol), so things are a lot different for me, in a good way, than they are for most "mental patients" out there.

Here's the thing...for a lot of people who off the rails, there is NO way back. Their poverty is grinding, miserable, and permanent. I'm blessed, and I'm just starting to realize that. I mean, people blame me for my everything--for my mental problems, for the way people treat me, for my parents' problems, even--but God has been and I pray will continue to be with me.

So, thanks again for the supportive posts. I'm starting to realize that my "fight against powers and principalities" is a struggle against stigma, against "the way the world works." I'm intelligent and I want to work, I want to apply the intelligence God has given me, but I may never be able to, and not just because of my mental problems, but because of the way the world treats people who go off the rails, make mistakes, commit sins, all that. The way low status people, "mental patients" are treated, especially in America and other capitalist, competitive societies, is terrible. I mean, inhumane doesn't even begin to full cover it. I just don't matter to people, especially since some of my ex-shrinks set out to "make an example" out of me.

I'll keep praying, and I pray y'all do the same. I'm not a convicted felon, I've never been to a state mental hospital, but I'm treated like scum of the earth. Darned if you, darned if you don't. I'm no longer: ugly, stupid, dead eyed, drug addled, living in serious sin...but all that just angers people. Sad fact: I'm better off here than anywhere else.

 

[Cturtle]

Thanks, everyone. It just seems so impossible at times. You go off the rails--in my case, around 17, when I went off to college--and its nearly impossible to get back into mainstream society. In my case, I've been punished by "mental health professionals" for making "poor life choices." Truth is, I was an easy target, and they're now absolutely no better than me.

I don't know what to do, or where to go. I go to Liberty online and I do well, but...sometimes, I have doubts, you know? A 4 year degree is no longer a guarantee of anything, especially for someone like me. People like me are generally in prison, in jail, homeless, maybe in state mental hospitals, definitely living in poverty and subject to the scrutiny and control of those around them, especially the mental health "professionals." Like I wrote earlier, God's work in my life offends worldly peoples' sensibilities.

I am a completely different person. I write well, I'm developing a work ethic, I'm easy to get along with, I'm surprisingly intelligent, my masculinity is developing (I have a solidly masculine identity, and that is a miracle in and of itself), and, most of all...I'm Born Again. I've been forgiven, washed and made clean. The last part of that--washed and made clean--is particularly important. You can only be called a "dirty little faggot" so many times before it makes you feel nasty and dirty and...yeah, not fun. I think one reason I do the vitamin thing ("Orthomolecular Medicine") is because I was made to feel nasty and all that, and I was/am trying to purge myself. Probably the same reason I got into juice fasting, honestly.

I'm hoping I won't be poor for all of my life. I mean, I'm poor in the technical sense now--all my money comes from SSI, and that goes straight to my dad--but I don't live in poverty, so its not really a big deal, you know? Everything I need and then some is provided for me, and that's huge. Its like...I'm not even in the social hierarchy around here, because I'm not a member of the community. I'm a "mental patient," but my newly affluent people take care of me and protect me (I even have an attorney, lol), so things are a lot different for me, in a good way, than they are for most "mental patients" out there.

Here's the thing...for a lot of people who off the rails, there is NO way back. Their poverty is grinding, miserable, and permanent. I'm blessed, and I'm just starting to realize that. I mean, people blame me for my everything--for my mental problems, for the way people treat me, for my parents' problems, even--but God has been and I pray will continue to be with me.

So, thanks again for the supportive posts. I'm starting to realize that my "fight against powers and principalities" is a struggle against stigma, against "the way the world works." I'm intelligent and I want to work, I want to apply the intelligence God has given me, but I may never be able to, and not just because of my mental problems, but because of the way the world treats people who go off the rails, make mistakes, commit sins, all that. The way low status people, "mental patients" are treated, especially in America and other capitalist, competitive societies, is terrible. I mean, inhumane doesn't even begin to full cover it. I just don't matter to people, especially since some of my ex-shrinks set out to "make an example" out of me.

I'll keep praying, and I pray y'all do the same. I'm not a convicted felon, I've never been to a state mental hospital, but I'm treated like scum of the earth. Darned if you, darned if you don't. I'm no longer: ugly, stupid, dead eyed, drug addled, living in serious sin...but all that just angers people. Sad fact: I'm better off here than anywhere else.

Something that i and God want for you to remember. God is your source! It is His love and favor that has brougt you this far. And as you continue in His Word, being obedient to Him and His Ways, keeping your eyes on Jesus every step of the way, just watch what He will do for you! Remember that you are a Kings kid! You are no longer that person of the past. And you have more in Jesus than all those people who are attacking you. I know it's hard sometimes, especially when your in the middle of the stom, to see yourself as God sees you. Washed in the Blood of Jesus....clean, healthy, intelligent, and His. It's time to stop speaking of yourself like you were (before salvation) and begin to speak of yourself as you are now. This is important to your emotions, and heart.
Blessings ce! I'm proud of you!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks again, everyone!

Recovery is so strange. Like, I took meds for a while, but didn't think "OK, I need these," if that makes sense. I now realize that I have, and definitely had, severe mental problems. I'm getting better about not looking back because, honestly, I'm so different that there's no point. In the world, especially in secular psychology, you're encouraged to look back, as if the clues are in you, or in your past, or...you get the picture. But, in Christianity--in Christ, really--we are to press forward, looking not at what is behind. I'm doing better at that, thanks to Christ's work in my life. Its like one of my Born Again relatives told me: focus on Christ, and Him crucified. I'm getting there...

I'm blessed to be going to Liberty. Having a project--in my case, school and writing and coming here often--helps with recovery. I'm blessed that my parents are behind me and that I receive SSI. When I worked, I was tormented. People around here don't much care for me, so I'm kinda glad I'm not in a position where I have to work...there's no telling what kind of cruelty people would dish out on me, and expect me to deal with, you know? As is, my neighbors still mess with me. I have an MP3 player for when I go outside, and man oh man..it comes in handy.

Maybe I'm rushing the church thing. My Pentecostal friend, Verna, she tells me "God knows right where you're at," and she's right. I wasn't bright at all until recently, lol. Wasn't just an IQ issue, either...I dunno how to describe it...my overall ability to engage in the world around me had been greatly diminished, both by "treatment" and by my mental problems. Happens a lot, actually.

Its crazy. Before I got saved, I thought I was a Christian. I knew about Christ. I was also severely mentally ill and living in a magical fairy land. Now, I've been Born Again for 2 years, and I'm connecting to Reality, and lemme tell you...its been a nice, long while since I've been in touch with reality.