[__ Prayer __] rough day with "mental illness"

[Christ_empowered]

Don't get me wrong; I take the tranq. Its just...I don't know if there is any such thing. I think its hard, to be in a situation in which cruelty is heaped on you...this pales in comparison to what came before, or what could be happening right now, but...

being in the "don't matter" category of society is rough, sometimes, especially with no local friends and a nagging sense that I'll never belong here, maybe not...anywhere. I dunno. my poverty is a soft, more genteel sort of poverty. I'm not saying that to brag, I'm just...thankful. My parents are good to me, despite who I was and the things I did to them, etc. Oh, and...they've been blessed with higher status, even though people tried to get them fired and such.

so, I took the tranq -after- going food shopping. some jerk was laughing about me, and...yeah. it was maybe 6 AM, btw...I got an early start because of super vivid dreams. soooo...

i've actually been spared what a -lot- of people go thru, even my parents. mama grew up poor. dad didn't, but his people were kinda like this...you're 18, do your own thing. bye now. so, they struggled, but...at least they had each other, from a very young age. im not just saying that to sound sentimental, i mean...seriously...even Scripture says 2 are better than 1. anyway...

life isn't fun. i mean, there are fun moments, but...fun? nope. I"m blessed beyond measure. I just...can't...envision a life of my -own-, i guess. i also cannot envision a life in which im not belittled, labeled, etc., and that gets...frustrating, to put it mildly.

i dont know that i believe in self-esteem now. its just more psychobabble talk, like all of it. some people need stuff to calm down. doesn't mean my brain is defective or i'm defective or...blah blah blah. some people cannot keep up in the working world. again; doesn't mean im less of a person, less of a man, less of a Christian...

I'd probably do OK on a commune. I was a sickly "loser," turned into a weakling by sins+psychiatry, and now...

Im healthy, capable, etc...and "the world waits for no one." the shrinks need the occasional recovery story. i need a label, to justify disability and really...also...to justify me having any sort of --space-- however small, in the crazy world. maybe that's why God has made it so my current label is "Schizophrenia" ? the alternative is "messed up, people have $$$ now...," which...even in The Bible Belt, won't get you very far.

blah. sorry to ramble. God is good! maybe I"m just lonely? I mean...for a real friend, in real time. I"m glad God pulled me out of the gay world, and now...I"m increasingly thankful the former "friends" who were barely even friendly acquaintances are out of the picture. Why bother? We've all gotten older, anyway...

OK. so "Schizophrenia" rears its ugly head, again, but...I don't think its even a real disease, its just...maybe this fake "disease" is the only way I can be in society, in my case? there is something humbling about being labeled with this stuff, no matter how intelligent God makes me or how healthy, etc....

and it is a bit better than just being a flaming loser, LOL. ugh. Society...

OK. thanks.

 

[Tessa]

Hello my friend. You are no less a person at all, and you do matter.

You need something to take your mind off all this, something fulfilling, to make you feel good. Have you thought any more about writing? Or volunteer work ? What would you really like to do?

You know you will get bad days and good days. Glad you take your tranquilizer. But if you had something you like doing perhaps they wouldn't be as often.

Perhaps you do get lonely. It would be good if could find a writing group to join, or try a church out, you might be able to meet new friends there.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey, tessa. you're the best! my dad...was surprisingly gentle with me when i told him about this. i mean, he's never been a -bad- dad, just...well, its not just that I have "Schizophrenia" or...whatever...

the "severely mentally ill" are people, too, and The Lord builds character in His people. So...I"m a whole new person now, occasional hallucinations and fits of paranoia and all, LOL. Seriously, though...

I'm blessed beyond measure. --That's-- beyond argument, to me.

Even a friendly acquaintance I thought was completely out of the picture texted me the other day...some pics from an art gallery, from an "outsider artist" we both enjoy. I'm thankful.

Thanks again!

 

[Pegasus]

I think by you coming here to other Christians asking for prayer and sharing your burdens and triumphs shows a mature Christian. One who relies on the Lord for all things. Christ will certainly bless you for this. Praying brother and keep up the dialogue here with us.

God Bless!

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey, Pegasus. Its...crazy. I never really had social skills or knew "how to filter" until fairly recently. At this point...I'm not in a good church, so I come here a good bit. And...

as who I am now...I -do- have social skills, which is...something of a miracle, all by itself. Basic stuff, like interpreting conversational cues, basic social norms....I get that, now, which is kinda odd, because...

NOW, I'm labeled as "Schizophrenic." OK, socially; surprisingly intelligent; not on drugs or drink...

"Schizophrenic." blah. could be bad. this isn't bad, not really...its just a label, its just...a tranq daily for now, and honestly...

even if there really is no such thing as a "brain disease" that produces what is termed "Schizophrenia," so what? Even Szasz, the arch critic of psychiatry, pointed out that in a lot of cases (criminal), declaring a defendant "insane" or whatever is really just a form of mercy. In my case...

I"m thinking maybe being declared "Schizophrenic" does help me...I get disability, I have my parents, I'm learning how to do things as a new person, a new creation in Christ Jesus...and its kind of like getting "the insanity defense," from a community. No, I"ll never be high status, top dawg, but...

I was so wretched and pathetic, high(er) IQ "Schizophrenia," etc. is a couple steps -up-. True story.

ok. kinda rambling, just...thanks, again.