hi there everyone I posted a thread on reprobation it was my first thread but I'm extremely troubled.
I've gone to about 3 churches and they've all said different things. I live in the UK and the preaching here isn't as alive as in the US and everyone has a different opinion on salvation but I'd say that the closest to the truth on being saved is a book by Derek Prince called Salvation and How to Receive it.
he describes that we must first repent, then believe, then confess and be baptized by water straight away. I haven't been baptized and I haven't received faith but I have repented like my life depended on it and I said I want you to be my Lord bd my Lord only at the same time.
this was back in February last year when I commited biblical slander and felt my life on earth was done and the church would never receive nor trust me ever again. subsequently I after repenting I cried and years of sin and bad feelings just melted away after I cried and I had an encounter with God and spoke to him all night. it was one of the most powerful and heart breaking experiences I have ever had and I wanted it back so bad I obsessed over it. I get invalidated a lot by people maybe its jealously or just natural human sin I don't know. but whenever I say "I feel" I get members of my church saying its not feelings its faith. I currently live in psychiatric care but I know its all rigged and after being locked up for 11 years I know what a scam it is. it doesn't heal people its traumatic, chaotic, violent and disturbing. oftentimes boring and soul sapping as well. I feel in having an existential issue with just about every area of my life and don't feel like the medication is helping me its turning me into a psychopath.
I can't be affectionate as I'd like towards my partner and I can't worship as I'd like as I'm not feeling it. plus you have to believe Jesus is sinless and I kept thinking about him eating meat and I'm ashamed to say it but I thought isn't eating meat sinful its eating another being. desiring God tells us we must believe in him totally. his miracles seem like stories to me rather than fact and it was only in March last year that I believed in the resurrection. I never disbelieved but it wasn't in my heart and I still don't.believe it in my heart but my whole church is telling me I'm saved I even went to sozo ministries and they said the same thing it seems like nobody knows how to get saved. if you read the Bible it says repent and believe and you must confess he is Lord I haven't done any of it in order or at the same time and I don't know if I'd repent again as the meds make me.quite hardened. I don't feel spiritual atmospheres or wonder like I used to I used to have magical thinking and its all gone. I feel God's presence since I was a little girl but was brought up by Satanists and was abused also throughout my whole life. so I don't know how to love God and I keep blaspheming the Holy Spirit when I'm angry. plus each church has a different view of that so I'm thinking of.hiding from the world and relying on God only because people can't be trusted. I feel alone and sinful and unlovable and unforgiven. I'm not too nice to my partner even though he's been on Crack and rinsed me.of 1000 pounds of money and has paranoia really bad but I'm jealous of him at times because he has close connection with signs and wonders and God I.believe he's saved and I'm not. I went to the sozo place and I just couldn't worship at all but cried during prayer but couldn't let go then had 40 minutes counseling to break off Satanism but just feel like a phoney. I can't shake off that nobody gets im probably not saved and I'd have to start all over again but Jesus is coming back and its making me feel suicidal because God is moving slow in my life and I tell him I love and miss him but I feel lost. please help.
I've gone to about 3 churches and they've all said different things. I live in the UK and the preaching here isn't as alive as in the US and everyone has a different opinion on salvation but I'd say that the closest to the truth on being saved is a book by Derek Prince called Salvation and How to Receive it.
he describes that we must first repent, then believe, then confess and be baptized by water straight away. I haven't been baptized and I haven't received faith but I have repented like my life depended on it and I said I want you to be my Lord bd my Lord only at the same time.
this was back in February last year when I commited biblical slander and felt my life on earth was done and the church would never receive nor trust me ever again. subsequently I after repenting I cried and years of sin and bad feelings just melted away after I cried and I had an encounter with God and spoke to him all night. it was one of the most powerful and heart breaking experiences I have ever had and I wanted it back so bad I obsessed over it. I get invalidated a lot by people maybe its jealously or just natural human sin I don't know. but whenever I say "I feel" I get members of my church saying its not feelings its faith. I currently live in psychiatric care but I know its all rigged and after being locked up for 11 years I know what a scam it is. it doesn't heal people its traumatic, chaotic, violent and disturbing. oftentimes boring and soul sapping as well. I feel in having an existential issue with just about every area of my life and don't feel like the medication is helping me its turning me into a psychopath.
I can't be affectionate as I'd like towards my partner and I can't worship as I'd like as I'm not feeling it. plus you have to believe Jesus is sinless and I kept thinking about him eating meat and I'm ashamed to say it but I thought isn't eating meat sinful its eating another being. desiring God tells us we must believe in him totally. his miracles seem like stories to me rather than fact and it was only in March last year that I believed in the resurrection. I never disbelieved but it wasn't in my heart and I still don't.believe it in my heart but my whole church is telling me I'm saved I even went to sozo ministries and they said the same thing it seems like nobody knows how to get saved. if you read the Bible it says repent and believe and you must confess he is Lord I haven't done any of it in order or at the same time and I don't know if I'd repent again as the meds make me.quite hardened. I don't feel spiritual atmospheres or wonder like I used to I used to have magical thinking and its all gone. I feel God's presence since I was a little girl but was brought up by Satanists and was abused also throughout my whole life. so I don't know how to love God and I keep blaspheming the Holy Spirit when I'm angry. plus each church has a different view of that so I'm thinking of.hiding from the world and relying on God only because people can't be trusted. I feel alone and sinful and unlovable and unforgiven. I'm not too nice to my partner even though he's been on Crack and rinsed me.of 1000 pounds of money and has paranoia really bad but I'm jealous of him at times because he has close connection with signs and wonders and God I.believe he's saved and I'm not. I went to the sozo place and I just couldn't worship at all but cried during prayer but couldn't let go then had 40 minutes counseling to break off Satanism but just feel like a phoney. I can't shake off that nobody gets im probably not saved and I'd have to start all over again but Jesus is coming back and its making me feel suicidal because God is moving slow in my life and I tell him I love and miss him but I feel lost. please help.