[__ Prayer __] Screamed at the top of my lungs

[Pizza]

WOW. Have not lost my cool like that in probably 25 years. Or ever. I NEVER say "god damn". I just screamed it at least ten times in under five minutes. I lost it. Bottling up too much stress, too much holding in of what must come out. Too long being scared to speak up and just say what needs to be said. Planned to do it all calmly and politely, but if you interrupt me when Im' under such stress, well, you triggered it.

I blew up at my sister. She would not listen to anyone. My nephew is so stressed that he pulled over on the side of the road and threw up on himself, then called me for help. My GOD this is such a mess. How did I end up in the middle of it?

Deb has advanced MS and lives with her son Shan. He takes care of her and works full time plus and nothing he or anyone does for her is good enough. I am getting the idea that suicide will be his way out. He hates himself for "rejecting my mother" but he can't go on taking care of her, he's about to get fired from another job due to what this is doing to him - and all she does is stall about going into a home or whatever.

It is time for he or I to take control. I told him today to move out and leave her. She insists that she is gonna get a place of her own (She's largely paralyzed, total invalid - if she can live on her own why is he rushing home to care for her?) Well, fine, she can show us how it's done now.

Then, I'm sure the state will come in and take over. Aides come twice a day but that's not enough.

SHe destroyed her 24 year marriage and now she's destroying her son and myself, the only two people on this planet who love her.

Life sucks right now. I think God sent me to deliver an ugly message today and I did it. DId not want to do it. Did not plan it. But when she interrupted me three times in the first 60 seconds, it was all over. I was trying to rescue my nephew.

Do I hate God for her having M.S.? Sure I do. Told Him that. Told her that. But we can't change that and God has no intention of changing it. I wish I could play God, but Im no good at it, and the position has been filled. So here we are, lives being destroyed cause she refuses to go into a home.

I'd have shot myself in the head years ago if I had that damn disease. My sister has a lot of courage, but I think only my nephew has the courage to kill himself - he's an atheist, to him, it's just eternal sleep.

Not sure how, but I gotta make sure he does not do it.

 

[reba]

Not any where as dramatic... last Oct we put mom in a home... We us kids did it ... it hurts when she asks to get out there.. She was not happy in my home a brothers home would not go to sisters... she is not happy where she is.... where she is she gets better care then we could give.. her meds are regulated properly .. has much as she hates it she showers twice a week... Mom is 94.. We have a doctor that says she is not capable of taking care of her self she can not live out side the home..
Having a dr be the responsibly party was a huge relief. took the pressure off.. Could this be an avenue for you. God understand we get angry.... been there too...
Your nephew has a right to life... to abandon her no, but placing her in a safe environment is not abandonment .. often it is the best for every one including Deb... When mom starts the heavy whining i tell her something like mom i can not change this and i will leave if you continue...
Having zero idea about the laws back east , finical etc dont know if this is even an option . You, Deb and nephew are in my prayers

 

[Pizza]

You are the second to speak of getting a Doctor involved. At this time, I think Shan and I are capable of anything.

This has to change. Three lives are being destroyed.

 

[reba]

2Co_13:1 This is the third time I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.

 

[Pizza]

Man, I'm gonna end up cancelling my vacation next week over this. Things take so much time.
I hate my sister is putting us thru this.

I wish the "faith movement" was right, I wish there was a way to convince God to heal her.

 

[reba]

What happens if you put a call into 911 . Most hospitals will not release some one who can not care for them selves if they do not have a care taker.
a couple questions to ask your self and nephew
why not a nursing home?
is it money
is it guilt
is it her anger
She is not happy where she is

 

[LovethroughDove]

Man, I'm gonna end up cancelling my vacation next week over this. Things take so much time.
I hate my sister is putting us thru this.

There's one in every family Bro. (making people's lives miserable) Be glad you ain't her..............as for what to do? Don't know.

 

[Runner]

As the elderly Buddha of my law firm was fond of saying, "Some problems have no solutions." At least no easy or pleasant solutions.

I have two friends dealing with approximately the same situation right now, both with their mothers. Both situations resolved themselves, to a large degree, by putting a very unhappy and unwilling Mom in the nicest care facility they could afford. To use a crude analogy, it's sort of like putting a pet to sleep. There comes a time when that is the only realistic solution, and deep down you know it's the kindest thing you can do.

What struck me was the difference in their attitudes. For one, Mom is nothing but a burden and a nuisance. Mom's problems are all about HIM, HIM, HIM - not at all about HER, HER, HER. There seems to be no awareness that this is his mother, the person who gave him life and raised him to adulthood. The other is precisely the opposite, completely compassionate and devoted to doddering, demented old Mom to a degree that even I find extreme. Over the past two years, he and his wife have made at least ten trips from Arizona to Wisconsin, spending more time in Wisconsin than at home, all to accomplish (as they admit) precisely nothing except to "be with Mom."

When my first wife died of breast cancer 7 years after her diagnosis, I was to some extent "relieved" for both of us because the last month or so was no picnic. But never did it occur to either of us to be angry at God, or me to be angry at her. We realized this challenge brought the happiest, closest years of our marriage and was, in some weird ways, a Godsend. I realize that what you are describing is far different and more challenging, but I would certainly try to see it as an "opportunity" as much as possible and to keep compassion for your sister in the forefront of your mind.

I had an elderly neighbor named BJ who was incredibly irascible and demanding. I did lots of things for him, but my second wife (a Russian then new to America) doted on him to a degree that really affected our lives. One day I kind of snapped, "You know, you don't have to do absolutely everything BJ demands! We're allowed to have a life, too." She looked at me like I was from Mars and said, "We aren't doing this for BJ. We're doing it for God." It really did make a difference in my outlook.

 

[Pegasus]

Pizza, praying.

 

[Pizza]

why not a nursing home?
is it money
is it guilt
is it her anger
She is not happy where she is

--- We are fine with a nursing home, we hate it but it is the ONLY answer. SHE won't do it.
--- Yes, if she had money, she could pay the $8000(?) a month for assisted living in a facility that would be nice enough she'd actually enjoy going to
--- I an my nephew are past guilt. Well, he hates himself right now, but he knows he cna't do this anymore.
--- Not anger, she's just tough and is willing to see her son lose another job, does not bother her (really, it doesnt)

She has not been happy in 15 years. She drove her husband to divorcing her and cutting off all contact. She then went into a group home and in two years got herself thrown out due to her nastyness to the staff. (They based the outsing on her tremendous care needs - not a total lie at all.) Now she is driving her son out of a second job and driving him towards suicide.

 

[Pizza]

There's one in every family Bro. (making people's lives miserable) Be glad you ain't her..............as for what to do? Don't know.

There really is no good answer, just the best nursing home we can get her into. But we've got to get her to go, unless we take legal action and my newphew is ready to do that, cept all his money goes to supporting them.

 

[Pizza]

Thanks all.


Runner : Too much in that post to respond to it all, but thanks.

 

[reba]

SHE won't do it.

That is where the medical assessment comes in .. Down the lines of declaration of incompetence .. It is a hard choice but sometimes necesarry

 

[Pizza]

That is where the medical assessment comes in .. Down the lines of declaration of incompetence .. It is a hard choice but sometimes necesarry

In this case, it may be the only way.

 

[Pizza]

I wish people understood my sister's strong personality. But I guess all such patients are like that - cept Deb tends to be very hard to care for.

She is very bitter (I think, she denies it) that she is afflicted like this. SHe's always been nasty to people, always been very "my way is the only way" about everything, but now she's just nasty to aids, etc.

Sh'es gonna end up with people around her who simply see no reason to even try. In fact, that is the case now.

 

[reba]

medical workers are better skilled at taking on the strong personalities then family is... Workers do not live it 24 7... they get breaks... days off etc...

 

[Winter Tapioca]

I can't imagine what your nephew is feeling or suffering through. However, I also don't think anyone including a brother can imagine how a sister feels losing more and more of who she knew herself to be to that horrible disease that is MS.

Maybe she complains as if nothing done for her is ever good enough because deep inside she's upset she can't do for herself. And it's coming out as criticism of those who do for her instead. She's being slowly locked away inside her own body. An excruciating slow descent into oblivion. While watching her independence leave and her life close around her so she lives in a tomb looking out.

Can anyone imagine how that feels?

Maybe your nephew could find help at one of those places that pays you to care for your relative?Here's a link of search results I found.

This might help also = Care facilities MS patients

I'll hold you all in prayer. Do yourself a favor that will last your lifetime. When you're ready make up with your sister. Sure, we all hit that wall where we've had enough. However, when someone dies after we showed that side of us and before we could make peace it's us that have to live with that monologue in our head that goes, I wish I had more time to.....
Temper can flare in a minute.But regret can last a lifetime.

 

[Pizza]

I can't imagine what your nephew is feeling or suffering through.

I can. I've been there. See, I have this disabled son and taking care of him was a walk in the park compared to this.

However, I also don't think anyone including a brother can imagine how a sister feels losing more and more of who she knew herself to be to that horrible disease that is MS.

No need to imagine, this is year 28 of this.

Maybe she complains as if nothing done for her is ever good enough because deep inside she's upset she can't do for herself. And it's coming out as criticism of those who do for her instead. She's being slowly locked away inside her own body. An excruciating slow descent into oblivion. While watching her independence leave and her life close around her so she lives in a tomb looking out.

While this is true, Deb was like this when she was 20. She is right, always has been. She knows best, always has been. And it has been her personal assignment from God to inform all of humanity how wrong and foolish they are.

Maybe your nephew could find help at one of those places that pays you to care for your relative?Here's a link of search results I found.

First, not available in Georgia. My sister had the idea of getting her granddaughter to take on that paid role. And the girl wanted to do it (tho only for four years while in school). But again, not available in Georgia.

This might help also = Care facilities MS patients

I have suggested that. Deb refused.
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=care+facilities+MS+patients&t=ffsb&ia=web

I'll hold you all in prayer. Do yourself a favor that will last your lifetime. When you're ready make up with your sister. Sure, we all hit that wall where we've had enough. However, when someone dies after we showed that side of us and before we could make peace it's us that have to live with that monologue in our head that goes, I wish I had more time to.....
Temper can flare in a minute.But regret can last a lifetime.

No need. I did what had to be done. You don't know Deb, she forced this. I have only one regret - I should have been man enough to scream this at her before she ruined her marriage and did all of this to herself. And I saw it coming, but when I tried to speak to the issue, she shut me down.

Well, now she is living hte consequences of that. I will offer this, she admitted three years ago that she had it way better with him than she ever admitted. And she did, all her needs were covered. His desire for guy toys, etc, were abolished to care for her - but that was never good enough. Well, some call it "karma".

 

[Pizza]

"Life is good"

No, it is not good, it is very unfair at best.

And the Gambler was right all along: "The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."


My nephew sounded better on the phone today. I am going to speak to him EVERY DAY from now on, until this situation is dealt with such that I can relax and not worry about him.

 

[reba]

My nephew sounded better on the phone today. I am going to speak to him EVERY DAY from now on, until this situation is dealt with such that I can relax and not worry about him.