Separated and need prayer

[tommy13v]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and have a great burden on my heart. My wife and I are currently separated because she had been cheating on me. Unfortunately this is not new to me as when we were first married 7 years ago she got involved in drugs and drinking and did the same thing. She went into rehab then and came out and turned her life around.

Fast forward to now. We have 2 boys and she has done it again but now she feels like she doesn't deserve to be with me and says that I am better off without her. She doesn't want to hurt me again even if I forgave her. I have began getting my life turned around to God because I have been away for so long and feel that me not being a Godly leader for her and my family has caused some of this to happen. I have been counseling with leaders of my church and it is going well and I am now at the point where I don't feel that shame anymore when I speak with God. Her heart is so full of shame for the things she has done and doesn't want to let me down and even God down again. I asked if she would go to counseling and her reply was "I don't want to go to counseling because that would mean that we are trying to get back together and I am not at a point where I feel that I have changed".

I have been giving her space right now as I have been counseled to do and she is going to meet with me and the Pastor of my church on friday. I pray that I can speak with wisdom and say the right things.

I honestly don't know for myself if I still want to be with her but I am willing to counsel about it because I do not want to see my children hurt because of it.

Anyway I pray that someone out there will keep us in there prayers and that my wife's heart can be soften.

Thanks

 

[follower of Christ]

Hi brother.

Firstly let me say, as one who has had to divorce twice over adultery of my wife, that I understand the pain you are going thru and will add you to our prayers.

Something came to mind as I was reading your post...something familiar from my own past in dealing with those wives I mentioned.

This is not meant to upset or offend you, but do you know without a doubt that your wife has ended this relationship with this man she cheated with last ?
The way youve described things seems to be quite similar to one of my own situations where she may not have felt she 'deserved' me anymore...but in her case it was simply that she was still with this man and didnt want to tell me.
Not that this is the case with your wife by any means.

My ex kept me hanging on a string with sob stories while in secret she was making plans with this man to eventually leave the marriage, so Im immediately suspicious when I see something that looks like it might be the same sort of scenario.

it doesnt mean anything in particular other than there is more deception because the spouse isnt actually as sorrowful as they are claiming.

Her not wanting to go to counciling is odd if she were repentant for the sin. I know we all react in different ways, but if I were to commit this type of sin against my marriage and my wife was forgiving and wanted to go get help for us, Id jump right on it.
With my exs as well, there would have been no desire in them to seek counciling either.

Please dont think me nosy or trying to dig into your affairs...its just that any extra information helps to present a more accurate picture.
I mean, you dont want to fool yourself into believing things are going to work only to find out later that she had no intent of doing so....that pain is just one more that I know all too well...and it makes us feel like a fool on top of all the other pain and embarrassment.

My heart goes out to you brother...you and your family.

wm

 

[tommy13v]

Thank you for the reply. She said last week that she knows that she can't be talking to him anymore but I feel she is but has not told me so. I am in the place where I do not know if I want to be with her anymore because of the things she has done but I am willing to get counseling to be able to understand where we are at and brake things off if thats the case. I really care for my children and want the best for them.

I always thought of her as a good mother but if she is going around and cheating then that is a horrible example to my children. She is talking to her mother who is a strong christian and she said she would meet with the Pastor this coming friday because someone mentioned to her on Saturday the she really needs to think about if she wants to be a single mom in 10 years or not. I guess that shaked her a bit and that is why she was willing to meet with the Pastor this week.

She is so afraid of hurting me again that she may feel like she shouldn't try again but I asked her to try and think of the kids and if it doesn't work out we can try and have a clean brake.

 

[antitox]

Tommy,

I can only assume that she has an emotional need that has never been resolved, and that has re-surfaced a second time. If it isn't fully dealt with, then it will re-surface again.
It will take a really perceptive minister or a psychologist to identify it.
I will guess that it goes back earlier in her life, seeing that this is a re-occurrence. Unless she is willing to commit to the whole process, then success may not be realized.

I have been divorced and I know it's difficult, but only you will ultimately know the right answer to this.

 

[tommy13v]

Yes, she has wanted the attention of her mother but her mother always seemed to busy but not too busy to be with her friends. However she recently has begun to reach out to my wife and build a relationship with her and I see my wife doing better.

Well today I had a minor stroke while I was at work and it scared me immensely. I talk to my wife and she was very concerned and felt she has caused this. Anyway, during the course of the conversation she said to me "Do you want to get back together?" I said I don't know because my thoughts were still not with it at the moment. We just talked again a few minutes ago and she says that she feels extremely guilty and that we can get back together and start doing the motions and see where it leads. I asked if she would stop talking to that other guy and she agreed as long as we were back together. I was frustrated by that because I felt the point of us being separated was to see how we truly feel about each other, well thats not gonna happen if she is having an emotional affair with someone else.

Any suggestions? I really need some guidance.

 

[tommy13v]

Well we are going to work on things with counseling with our Pastor and see where it leads. I said that if in the coming months we don't have the feelings that we once had that we be honest about it talk before anything tragic like an affair would happen again and she agreed.

She is very depressed and has been that way for a while. She was going to a physiologist but he was more concerned about talking and not listening to the problem, so she decided to stop going.

Last night she repented of her sins and asked God to forgive her but she is still very afraid of disappointing God again. I asked that anyone out there pray for her and us as the enemy is attacking very strongly. In the middle of us talking and praying outside last night and rebuking the devil my dog decided to run off through out the neighbor hood and I had to go find her. So there is a lot of spiritual attacks going on that we need prayer for.

Thank you everyone and I will be back to let you know how things progress.

 

[antitox]

My concern is this:

but she is still very afraid of disappointing God again.

That tells me she knows it could happen again, and she feels helpless. The thing here is that since she battles depression, she has the propensity to seek something to relieve it, even temporarily, if that's all it does. So, IMO, she needs a psychologist to help her, but yes, she needs a good one, not a conversationalist like she had before. I strongly recommend she attend a support group. They really help alot and give her something to fall back on.

Second, there are Christian psychologist clinics like Minirth-Meier, or even better, Rapha Clinics. I took facilitator training at Rapha, and I was very impressed.

Third, it will be important that her mother doesn't do anything to make this worse. Re-experiencing relationships the right way is part of the path to emotional healing.
What happens initially is a person learns to behave, live, and respond in a way that is based upon their emotional experiences and situations. Then they habitually react the same way to those same types of events and conditions in an attempt to avoid the pain or discomfort that may arise from it. Hence, one develops a pattern of responding the same way to those situations repeatedly, and find he's stuck in a hopeless cycle and can't stop.

This takes time to work through. She will need to revisit her past some and come to grips with those events, unfulfilled desires, etc. This is what support groups are really good for. Other people in the group will express similar struggles, and she won't be out there all by herself with depression as her best friend. Instead, she'll have people who really understand her dilemma firsthand.

I really hope she gets through it. She will need to commit some of her time, at least a year, maybe two, in a support group. The idea is for her to get strong enough to respond to her problems in a different way, rather than the old way.

------------------------------
Edited to add:

It is possible that the psychologist she visited was trying to get her to talk about things and was allowing her to be comfortable and talk awhile. But if she gets into a support group, that scenario fulfills the purpose of venting and talking about things in her life. That is an important aspect of getting on the road to healing: communicating the feelings she has experienced and putting them into perspective.

 

[tommy13v]

We met with the Pastor and things went well. She is going to go to a support group that meets on things of alcohol and drug abuse as well as just talking about where she is at. She still struggles with how she feels but she is making some progress. A major thing that has caused some issues is that she worked promotions for liquor companies and that has gotten her into some trouble as of the past few months but on Saturday she told me that she is quitting that because she knows she should do it but what she wants and what she should do are things she is battling with.

Her parents are helping and want to give us a gift of a marriage counseling weekend in November. We started out together great 9 years ago but I fell away from the Lord and she followed me and we moved in together before we were married. Her parents were upset but we repented and lived separately for 8 months until our wedding. Her parents and I have a good relationship to this day but my wife still stuggles with how we started our marriage and I feel to blame for that.

I will check out those other options for counseling. I really appreciate it.