Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with children

[familypriorities]

My husband and myself are in a very bad place. We relocated at his request for his work and he made some bad financial decisions at the time. For example, I suggested buying a house in a much more affordable area, he insisted on one in an area that pushed our mortgage up substantially. He said we could afford it so I accepted that. I wish now I'd been more insistent he consider the options I put forward.

The position we find ourselves in now is that my husband insists I work. Our marriage has always been based on having a parent at home for the children. It's not that I mind working at all - before we moved I had the perfect job, 2.5 days a week that fitted between school hours perfectly. I had planned to get something similar for my own interest but found it difficult to find a job with suitable hours. In the end, under pressure from my husband, I took a job 4 days a week that does not fit nicely into school hours rather than wait. We've managed to work this out without needing to use childcare but this situation isn't good for anyone and the family is hurting. We are able to manage on his income but he has a serious issue with money anxiety and worries no matter what the situation. Of course extra income always helps but at what cost?

All that has happened now is that I am unhappy and don't have the time to give to him like I used to, he is unhappy because of this and the children don't seem to be as settled. Our marriage is hurting and the intimacy is not there. We've always been very close before this. I think part of the problem is that I got a job in the first place before we moved. He now expects it and has tried to push forward being a two income household prematurely (our youngest is still 6). He has lost sight of our family values and doesn't seem to be taking any action to change things. (I will take action myself if necessary but want to give him a chance first. I think it will help heal if he is given the chance to demonstrate he still values his family over money). Honestly, I like working, but I would rather not work outside the home than work in a way that hurts the family. A job will eventually come up that works.

I want him to say that he misses me and thinks I should resign. Or that he can see that this isn't working for the family and we can manage so I should resign. But he doesn't. All that is happening is I am angry at him and he is angry that I'm angry. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Mike]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

Hello, FP and welcome to CFnet.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this issue. I have a few questions and comments.

Are you both Christians who hold faith high in your priorities? If you are, then I have to first start off by saying you've committed yourself to this marriage before God, and I don't see this as grounds for divorce. It's tough, no doubt, but you two can and need to overcome this if other things are in order - for God, but also for your children.

Regardless of how things came to be agreed upon, you did agree to your arrangement. That isn't to say you couldn't explain that you've given it an honest try, but the children are suffering and you need to back off some of your hours for their sake. These can be rough times economically, especially if people have extended themselves.

I believe you need to spend a lot of time brainstorming alternatives that would be agreeable to him. Have you looked for a different job that would allow for the kids' schedule? Is your current employer willing to flex your hours? Is a raise in your pay rate a possibility which would offset (even in part) a decrease in hours? Have you thought of things you could decrease from your household expenses that would offset this decrease?

Personally, I agree completely with a parent being there before and after school. Especially with younger children, but really with them all, this goes a long way in "being in their lives" and alleviating stress they have about school/home. But you need to find common ground in this with him, and it may mean not having everything you both ideally want.

Thanks for joining, and I hope to hear more from you. Prayers.

 

[Danus]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

We are able to manage on his income but he has a serious issue with money anxiety and worries no matter what the situation.

Your marriage might be in a weaker place right now, but I think from your understanding of that you are in a very strong place. If the two of you, are a Christian couple then I sense that God might be making a needed adjustment for the both of you. You may need to play on God's team with this one. Learn his plan and serve him in executing it.

What I mean by that is that some times a couple, like an individual, needs to go through something that seems negative and uncomfortable for their own edification, or growth. I'm sure there is something in this for you, but surly there is something in it for your husband.

If you are a Christian, and I assume you are, then I would suggest you move closer to God in this time. If your husband is unwilling based on what you said about his hang-ups regarding money, then you may have to take a stand here and you will need to lean on God more as you do, because it's scary and there are unknowns. But, be courageous and pray for his direction and strength.

When we become Christians we are not just completed at that moment. We are saved, but God needs to mold us so that we can be stronger and conform to our full potential. If there are things holding us back, I believe he makes it possible for us to be tested so that our relationship with him can be strengthened. This is why we call it faith.

In this case, based on what you've said, there is clearly something holding the two of you back. How can you get closer to God so that he might work through you to solve this for his purpose? Can you trust God enough to walk down this darken hallway, and bring your family with you?

I want to encourage you in saying that If you can, then hold tight to your faith. Let it be tested. Listen to God and let him work through you on this. He has the answer, and if you can do this you will come out on the other side of what seems like a very difficult climb.

Your not alone in this. God has a huge family of servants ready and willing to help you. Some will offer practical advice. Some will offer encouragement. Some will help with God message to you, but God himself is with you if you let him.

So what's your next move?

 

[handy]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

I agree with you that your children are far too young to be without a parent with them.

You said you were able to work out a schedule that doesn't require child care? What is this schedule...that the children are home with older children watching younger children for a short time, or is Dad able to be there for them?

The answer to that question is really important...the first scenario is unacceptable...siblings are not parents and shouldn't be asked to fulfill that role with a child as young as 6. The second scenario is acceptable. Even though Dad might not do things the way you would want them done, working on making the time Dad has with the kids whilst your working be a positive, relationship building time, is a good thing...even if it makes you feel on the outs for a while.

The real issue is your anger and frustration. As long as you hold onto anger, it's going to be really impossible to resolve the situation...even if you get what you want and your husband (in order to get peace in the home) says to quit...most likely the anger and bitterness will simply transfer itself to him.

I'd really like to know more about how your working four days is practically harming your family, as well as how you are working it so that you don't need child care.

 

[familypriorities]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

First, divorce will never be an option. So I'm not even going down that path.

I also didn't agree to this current situation. What I agreed to was finding a job similar to the one I had so I could be there for the children - and that was after I completed some additional training which I have not been allowed to do. That is what I have agreed to. What I agreed to is nothing like what I ended up with so no, I didn't agree to this arrangement at all. I was pressured into this arrangement after expressing my concerns about it. I was offered other jobs that week more suitable but I felt I had to go for the job that paid double the others. I chose to ignore my instincts that it was a bad idea, which I did express to my husband, in order to make him happy knowing it didn't have to last forever. Mistake on my part.

As far as the job itself, it's very well paid. It works because my husband is able to come home early to get the children one day a week and I have a 17 year old who is able to get the children from school two days a week. This means she is home with them one day for 40 minutes before I get home and the other day for an hour. I find this time period acceptable though it is not my ideal. The other day I get home to get the kids. The two days my daughter picks the younger kids up I leave work early and do some work from home in the evenings when they are in bed (which my husband hates too because he doesn't have my attention).

The brainstorming ideas thing has been done. This has been an issue for months - hence I am here as I am out of options and getting past hoping for my husband to take some action. He recognizes this was a mistake but doesn't seem willing to do anything about it. That leaves it down to me.

My first desire is that he wakes up and makes a constructive suggestion as to how we move forward. Failing that, I plan to take some action at the end of the year by simply resigning and insisting on the agreement we had. If he won't step up, I have to for the sake of the family. It seems he is totally blinded by $. I did show him Ecclesiastes 5:10 last night:

"Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless. "

This has been the story of our whole marriage. It is never enough for him. He's always worried. He's still worried and with my income on top of his, there is no issue at all. One thing I have learned from this is to listen to my instincts, like I should have this time, and never again make a decision like this under pressure from his anxieties.

Yes, we are Christians. Hence why I am here as I know if I go to a secular forum I'll be told to walk out and that is not an option.

What I have learned from this is that I have enabled his anxieties too long. What I hope he gets out of it is a focus on what is really important and that's not money.

 

[Danus]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

This has been the story of our whole marriage. It is never enough for him. He's always worried. He's still worried and with my income on top of his, there is no issue at all. One thing I have learned from this is to listen to my instincts, like I should have this time, and never again make a decision like this under pressure from his anxieties.

Yes, we are Christians. Hence why I am here as I know if I go to a secular forum I'll be told to walk out and that is not an option.

What I have learned from this is that I have enabled his anxieties too long. What I hope he gets out of it is a focus on what is really important and that's not money.

I would like to add a different perspective, because I don't see this as about schedules, where you live, the decisions you've both made, or certainly about how much money there is....this is not about those things. Simply put, in it's most condensed form, this is about peace and joy, in your marriage. That's the only thing I see from your story that is missing, and the good news of it is, that you guys, like so many others with the best of intentions, are looking for peace and joy in the wrong places.

Even you I think. However, I also think that you would be the first of the two to admit that what I'm saying to you now is in fact the truth of it.

You don't need to alter your schedules, or change jobs necessarily, or even move perhaps, but one, or the both of you, need to drop all this effort first, and let it Go, so that you can begin to solve it. You guys need to fall back in God's arms, and seek his plan for your life first, but to do that you need to stop making all these plans first.

You guys are exhausted. Not just you, but your husband also. Right? All these things you've thought mattered, the house, jobs, money...they don't and you see it. They added nothing to your joy and peace, and I think that God is waiting for you both to give up so that he might take over. I think this is his message to you in his efforts to build the two of you into something greater.

I'm saying this because neither I, nor anyone on this form, has a solution that can be placed on paper, and this is a good thing. This is a good thing because you will be soon seeing God do his thing for you to bring about the very things you so desire in your family. The very things that you have both worked so hard for to do yourselves, but that God has been asking you to leave to him. Try this and build your faith. Let yourselves be tested, and gain a clearer picture of your purpose.

How is this going to happen? I don't know. What exactly will God do? I couldn't say, but it starts with the two of you stopping. And, maybe right now it's just you. That's OK to.

This forum and the greater Christian community is fine for support, but ultimately it is God who does anything. And so, I am going to pray for you and your husband. That the two of you will give up, that you will both hand over your anger, your frustrations, your weaknesses, and worry to God himself. That although you don't know what tomorrow will bring, it's OK, because you are in his hands, and not your own. We can all be thankful for that. We make such a mess of things on our own, don't we. Especially when all we really wanted in our lives is peace and joy. Let's get that from the well of peace and joy. drop you bucket there, and stop the digging of your own well.

If you need to take the lead, be the head in your family right now, please do so. Let God guide this effort. Trust in him in this. Pray for his guidance, and you see it unfold.

 

[handy]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

I agree with Danus 100% up to the very last statement. I also don't see this as a problem with jobs, schedules, or money. From what you say, you work 4 days a week, are home 40 minutes after school on one day, an hour after two of the days...this sounds like your job isn't cutting into the family schedule all that much. Especially since your kids are old enough to take on household chores and responsibilities. Most mothers that have a need to work would probably love to have that schedule.

But, you're feeling a sense of betrayal, thinking that your husband would want you to work this schedule for only a limited amount of time, and now it seems as if he wants to go on it indefinitely. I could see where that would be very frustrating to you.

However, as a woman who knows a thing or two about usurping the leadership role God gives husbands and one with a husband who has anxiety issues as well , I don't think the sought after peace and joy will come if you take leadership and simply up and quit a job he thinks you need come January. If this is all based in his anxieties, you quitting won't help the situation at all. Yes, you might be home...but at the cost of your husband being worried, anxious and perhaps angry and bitter towards you.

Right now, it looks as if this is a case of his "feelings" vs. your "feelings" and which one should be validated. The more it can be worked out to place the situation on facts as opposed to feelings...the more likely it can be settled so that peace and joy do come back.

Going by what you've shared, this is what I see as the facts.

Fact one: Your husband seems to have deep seated anxiety issues and that is a medical condition. You probably have already encouraged him to see a doctor about it for treatment. If the treatment isn't helping, then go back to the doctor. Sometimes it takes a few tries at a treatment program and until one that works is achieved. It's best (trying, but best) for your husband's "help meet" to go above and beyond to help him through until his anxiety is being effectively treated. Even if that means continuing on with the job. Trust me that I know what I'm talking about here.

Fact two: You don't need the job. Your husband's insistence on it is born out of his anxieties, not financial need. One thing you might want to consider doing is to live on his paycheck and his paycheck alone. Let your wages sit in a savings account. Then, after a few months, you can show him that you really don't need the money...it's nice to have but it would better to have peace and joy. With the money in the bank, you'll be able to let him see that you could go find another, more suitable part time job that will continue to build the savings account. If he can "see" that your quitting won't put you out on the street, then perhaps (if he's being treated for anxiety) he'll be able to be comfortable with your leaving your job.

Fact three: Your job really doesn't take you out of the family picture all that much. Yes, you probably can't do the schedule you are used to and that worked so well for so many years...but if you are home 40 minutes after school one day, 1 hour after school two days and your husband is there on the 4th day...it just doesn't sound all that bad. Instead of looking at the change of schedule with bitterness and frustration (which I do understand btw...as a limited working mom myself who is home most of the time, I would feel the same way) look at it as an opportunity to train up your children in the way they should go. Give them household chores so that when you do get home, daily chores are done. At 17 your daughter will be able to do a lot...pick your least favorite household chore and give it to her. Make sure your younger children...whatever age they are, I know you have a 6 year old, step up to the plate as well. A 6 year old can do a lot, dusting, taking out trash, feeding pets, picking up clutter and tidying a room, wiping a bathroom down with a sanitary wipe...all this is good training for your kids and will alleviate stress you might be feeling for not being on top of things at home...which I know can be a huge stress factor.

One thing you are teaching your children here...especially your daughter who is on the brink of womanhood...is how a married couple lovingly works out a serious issue. They will all face family crises when they are married...if they see you and your husband working together with love and grace, they will learn to do the same. If they see anger and bitterness, that's what they'll learn as well.

Talk to your husband and let him know that you really want to quit your job at the first of the year...possibly taking on a different part time job if you can find it. Be a cheerleader and stay positive and show him that, because he is such a great provider for his wife and children, your paycheck can simply go into savings, and any new monies from a different part time job can do the same.

But, also be very observant of your husband...if, when the time comes, quitting will simply transfer your anger and frustration to him, increasing his anxiety level even more...then it really won't resolve any issues to quit. By that time, you might have even realized that the fam is doing just fine on the new schedule, and you can sit back and enjoy your job.

As far as hubby wanting "together" time those nights you bring work home...just keep lovingly and firmly telling him that this is part of the job he wants you to have.

In the end, it will have to be God that works this all out, especially healing of your husband's anxiety issues. But, be willing to do what God would have you do as well...even if it means keeping the job indefinitely.

 

[familypriorities]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

Thank you for your advice and prayers. My husband has been having treatment for many years with variable success. I agree that the schedule isn't that terrible - however there are some other obligations I have that most people do not that I am also expected to keep up with that are equal to about two working days (child health related) - hence why I need reduced work hours and why the schedule is so stressful. I've never worried about money, houses, jobs, etc. My family has been my career. In five years this level of work may be more appropriate but not now. It's premature. Last night my husband apologized for putting me in this position and said he has recognized he is just a worrier. I think we have both learned something from this and will not get into this position again. I'm completing a major project at work then quitting.

 

[handy]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

Sounds like this has been worked out...that's great. I'm glad to hear you're both on the same page now.

It's hard for a woman to deal with her husband's anxiety disorder, especially when it interferes with family life. Just keep him in prayer and encouragement.

;) And don't count on the "in five years"...I kept thinking I would go back to work full time when both kids were in school and then when they were in Jr. High...well, now my daughter is in High School and my son is in Junior High and I find that I spend even more time trying to get them from here to there as well as being there for them. In some ways, they (especially my daughter) need me now more than ever.

I figure, when my son is 18, in seven years, I'll be 57. At 57, if I go back to work full time and work for 10 years, backing 100% of my income into retirement, my hubby and I should be OK. Even if I have to work even later in life, I wouldn't trade the ability to stay home with them now anyway. It's been a sacrifice, but one that's been well worth it.

 

[farouk]

Re: Seriously need advice from those who prioritise having a parent at home with chil

My husband and myself are in a very bad place. We relocated at his request for his work and he made some bad financial decisions at the time. For example, I suggested buying a house in a much more affordable area, he insisted on one in an area that pushed our mortgage up substantially. He said we could afford it so I accepted that. I wish now I'd been more insistent he consider the options I put forward.

The position we find ourselves in now is that my husband insists I work. Our marriage has always been based on having a parent at home for the children. It's not that I mind working at all - before we moved I had the perfect job, 2.5 days a week that fitted between school hours perfectly. I had planned to get something similar for my own interest but found it difficult to find a job with suitable hours. In the end, under pressure from my husband, I took a job 4 days a week that does not fit nicely into school hours rather than wait. We've managed to work this out without needing to use childcare but this situation isn't good for anyone and the family is hurting. We are able to manage on his income but he has a serious issue with money anxiety and worries no matter what the situation. Of course extra income always helps but at what cost?

All that has happened now is that I am unhappy and don't have the time to give to him like I used to, he is unhappy because of this and the children don't seem to be as settled. Our marriage is hurting and the intimacy is not there. We've always been very close before this. I think part of the problem is that I got a job in the first place before we moved. He now expects it and has tried to push forward being a two income household prematurely (our youngest is still 6). He has lost sight of our family values and doesn't seem to be taking any action to change things. (I will take action myself if necessary but want to give him a chance first. I think it will help heal if he is given the chance to demonstrate he still values his family over money). Honestly, I like working, but I would rather not work outside the home than work in a way that hurts the family. A job will eventually come up that works.

I want him to say that he misses me and thinks I should resign. Or that he can see that this isn't working for the family and we can manage so I should resign. But he doesn't. All that is happening is I am angry at him and he is angry that I'm angry. I don't know what to do anymore.

familypriorities:

Sorry to hear of your household money difficulties.

What do you mean, 'take action'?

Actually, ever so many families are in exactly the same situation, having to juggle with time, income and childcare issues.

Separately, do you and dh read the Bible together every day and pray? because it's very important.

PS: Just read your last post; sounds good!