Sex Before Marriage

[Quath]

He and I are of the opinion that it is undoubtably a helpful and good thing to live with someone for a bit before you marry them (regardless if your having sex or not). In your experience, would you agree? In my last job i worked with a woman who got married before she lived with her ex-husband. He words to me were that people can hide themselves for a very long time, and living with them exposes their true selves far faster than anything else would.

I believe that living together reveals a lot about each other. For example, I dated a woman for 2 years before we moved in. Her dorm room was always perfectly clean. When we moved in, she left her clothes all around the house. When it came time for bills, I was crawling under the bed to find the mail. So there was a lot of tension as we dealt with the approprite level of cleanliness a house should be in. No one issue will break a relationship, but if there are enough, it at least shows that you need to try to work it out before you commit to a lifetime.

You mentioned that the newness of sex wears off after about 6 months. With most of my sexually active friends, they have experienced the newness for over 2 years. Even the ones who were in very bad relationships still had the eurphoric hysteria accompanied by sexual activity that lasted beyond 6 months.
Why? What is this hysteria?

There seems to be a 6 month period where a lot of people break up. It is not that sex gets worse, but I think it is that it doesn't smooth everything over as it might have once done. It still feels good and it still gives great comfort, but sex is also in a lot of ways like kissing or hugging or a massage. It can mean different things at different times.

Regardless of your religious viewpoints, you have a lot of wisdom to share, so please feel no hesitancy to share it with me.

Well, if you do have a religious viewpoint, that may should take some priority because regret is one of the hardest things to deal with. If in doubt, don't rush into a decision.

You also mentioned that your married now, has your past sexual activity influenced the way you see your wife? Does it create any problems for your marriage?

She was married previously. But she also had pre-maritial sex before she was married. She married when she was around 21. However, she matured during her marriage and her husband didn't. (He was still gambling the rent money and stuff like that.) However, our prior sexual experience has helped us out on several areas. She knows what she likes sexually as I do. We don't feel a big desire to experiment like we did when we were younger, but we also do not feel shy about trying new stuff.

When I was younger I thought I would want to marry a virgin. I was jealous when the first girl I had sex with had had sex with guys before me. But I did a lot of thinking and realized I was being a hypocrit because I would not want her jealous if the situation were reversed. I finally worked that jealousy out of my system. After that, I realized I preferred someone who did have some sexual experience because they were much more likely to enjoy it.

For instance, my hubby and I used to have a fairly decent sex life. Now that my body has changed and decided to develop endometriosis, I have to say that there really is no sex life at all. It's frustrating to both me and hubby. Should he leave me because of it? No.

Sorry to hear about this. Sex is not everything of a relationship. However, if you were dating someone new, I think that not having sex would need to be known. Some people can handle that and some can not.

I've been sitting here trying to think of someone that I know that was a virgin before marriage that got divorced and I can't think of a single one.

My guess is people are rarely virgins when they marry. I only knew of one person who was a virgin when she married. I went out with her while she was divorcing. Sex was one (but not the only) of the reasons she was leaving her husband.

 

[Atonement]

Hard question. My flesh tells me that I want to test drive the car before I purchase it. My Spirit tells me it not in God's will. I have been know to be a whoremonger back in the day. When I hit the gym I'm tested in my faith each day watching these hot honies in their spandex shorts etc. But all in all I try to live a righetous life and need God's help in this area. DAILY

 

[jgredline]

Well
If you could humbly share my feelings on this with a short version.
Both my Wife and I have been blessed to have only ever had each other. We will be married for 21 years on the 12th of this month. We have a good marriage and lord has truly blessed us. 1 problem though. We not only had sex before we got married while we were both in High School, but we also Got pregnant. To make matters worse, we were the poster childs of our church. The pastor made us get up before the Church and confess our sin. I was so angry, I left church for a while. None the less about 5 years ago, my wife was troubled and don't really remember what triggered it, but she shared with me how bothered she was by our sin of pre marital sex. To be honest I never even gave it a thought really but she did. None the less that day at that moment we both Got on our knees and confessed our sin before the Lord and we both felt this heavy burden lifted. My marriage has been the best it has ever been ever since. I really don't know of any marriges as good as ours. I am sure there is, but trully we are happy and blessed.

Given the choice again, I would wait until marriage and this is what we are telling and teaching our Kids..

Thank you lord Jesus for the freedom that you give us from Sin.

 

[Remember]

1 Cor 7:1-2
7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman .

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
KJV

 

[The Busymind]

Thanks Remeber for such a deep and thoughtfull post.

TBM

 

[J6o7h8n3]

Sex before marriage.......nope. The bible clearly goes against this. Fornication & Adultery. If you dont want to obey gods word than sure you could do it, but if you want to be faithfull you would not.

 

[Quath]

Sex before marriage.......nope. The bible clearly goes against this. Fornication & Adultery. If you dont want to obey gods word than sure you could do it, but if you want to be faithfull you would not.

I would have to disagree with some of this. The Bible is against women having pre-maritial sex (they are killed in front of their parents.) However, there is no such penality for boys.

 

[TanNinety]

I would have to disagree with some of this. The Bible is against women having pre-maritial sex (they are killed in front of their parents.) However, there is no such penality for boys.

This is an interesting take, problematic nonetheless.

How would a boy have pre-marital sex with a girl, if for a girl pre-marital sex is a sin? Catch-22? If the boy willfully lets the girl sin even though for him pre-marital sex is not a sin, he is making a fellow person sin by his actions. Which by implication is as bad as sinning oneself.

If I assist you in a crime Quath, I am still guilty even though I haven't committed the crime myself, probably just not guilty to the same extent. I am not trying to equate pre-marital sex with crime, just an analogy.

 

[Quath]

How would a boy have pre-marital sex with a girl, if for a girl pre-marital sex is a sin? Catch-22? If the boy willfully lets the girl sin even though for him pre-marital sex is not a sin, he is making a fellow person sin by his actions. Which by implication is as bad as sinning oneself.

There are several ways. You can have sex with a slave or with a prostitute without punishment. Both happen with quite frequently in the Old Testament.

 

[TanNinety]

You can have sex with a slave or with a prostitute without punishment.

Now, the point being which of these would we recommend to The Busymind?

 

[Quath]

Now, the point being which of these would we recommend to The Busymind?

Heh.

I think if you look at the rules of the Old Testament, you canfigure out what was important. It was all about making sure lineage could be determined. If a woman had a child, then it was obviously hers. However, who was the father? So they set up so many rules to determine this. That is why raped women had to marry their rapist. That is why men having sex with another man's wife got you killed.

It also means that sex with prostitutes and slaves is acceptable because of two reasons. If a man cares, he knows the father of his slaves children. Also, children of prostitutes and slaves could be ignored a lot of the time for lineage considerations.

In our day and age, we have good tests to determine fatherhood. So if the Old Testament laws are mostly about determining fatherhood, we can understand them and use modern techniques to replace these laws.

This is the same rationale used to ignore the dietary laws in the Old Testament. We have decided that those laws were for health reasons (which is an assumption) and ignore them.

 

[The Busymind]

Quath,

Not that I dissagree with your cultural understanding of the Old Testament, but by your logic then, today we could sleep with our friends wifes because we dont have a problem with determination of fathers.

However, this brings me to another question. Is having sex before marriage a cultural restraint, or a spiritual one. It makes sense to me that God would want to prevent his followers from getting married to someone who they dont know fully. However, does sexual understanding between partners count for knowing the other person fully? How close does having sex with someone make you?

TBM

 

[Quath]

Not that I dissagree with your cultural understanding of the Old Testament, but by your logic then, today we could sleep with our friends wifes because we dont have a problem with determination of fathers.

I agree. I think someone could decide this is reasonable or even something that God would be ok with. But ultimately, I think it comes down to whether the people are comfortable with this.

However, this brings me to another question. Is having sex before marriage a cultural restraint, or a spiritual one. It makes sense to me that God would want to prevent his followers from getting married to someone who they dont know fully. However, does sexual understanding between partners count for knowing the other person fully? How close does having sex with someone make you?

That is tough one to answer probably. For example, many Christians believe that you are not married in heaven. So if you make a bad maritial decision on Earth, it is only a temporary problem.

You also have other issues that were not around in Biblical times like the Internet. Is cybersex cheating? Is falling in love with someone you haven't met cheating?

I once dated a woman that said she would rather catch me cheating with a hooker than see me having a romantic dinner with a co-worker. So sex is not the issue but intimacy is.

 

[TanNinety]

So if the Old Testament laws are mostly about determining fatherhood, we can understand them and use modern techniques to replace these laws.

Once we find the vaccine to retain the fountain of youth I guess we can replace the commandments that lead to eternal life then :wink:

You also have other issues that were not around in Biblical times like the Internet. Is cybersex cheating? Is falling in love with someone you haven't met cheating?

These are valid questions. If somethings are not mentioned in the bible, how are we going to go about it? I don't believe bible is the hand book of rules containing ALL the do's and dont's. But if you do understand the do's and dont's mentioned in the bible then it tunes you to tackle any future choices you need to make. Like you dont have to learn to drive on all the roads that ever existed to become a driver. Once you become a driver even if you drive to a different state you know how to handle the driving. Similarly, once your heart is tuned to following God's commandments, even when you face with new choices like "cybersex" you will be able to have a handle on your judgment.

But that is a problem as well which is demonstrably true. Different people reach different conclusions when something is not explicitly mentioned in scripture. And that ensues confusion about who holds the truth?

 

[dancing queen]

In the bible is says even thinking lustful thoughts about someone (who is not your wife/husband) is adultry - i think that answers the cybersex question

 

[Quath]

In the bible is says even thinking lustful thoughts about someone (who is not your wife/husband) is adultry - i think that answers the cybersex question

The Bible is full of do's and dont's. However, if you do not understand why, they you may be following a useless rule. Christians have pretty much decided that the dietary laws are some do's and dont's that may be ignored beause they think they know why they were mentioned.

Likewise if lusting is equivalent to adultery, I think you should understand it from a more philosophical view than just a rule to follow. Otherwise it is hard to answer related questions.

For example, if I look at another person with a desire to bee with them but not a desire to have sex, have I done bad? (In other words, is lust just about sex or is it more about committment to a person?)

I think if you can break it down to a core philosophy, it is easier to understand and easier to deal with similar issues. I don't know all the underlying philosophies they can get from the "lustful thoughts" part of the Bible. But I think people should try to discover it and contemplate hypothetical situations to see if it makes sense.

 

[TanNinety]

So if the Old Testament laws are mostly about determining fatherhood, we can understand them and use modern techniques to replace these laws.

Once we find the vaccine to retain the fountain of youth I guess we can replace the commandments that lead to eternal life then

I was thinking about the above post this morning and I think I have mis-applied your statement, Quath. You are right, there were indeed some "ordinances/laws" in the old testament that had a lot to do with culture. Like for example the way one wore his hair. A law was ordained so one does not end up looking like a pagan after a hair cut, losely speaking. But we don't have to follow these laws because there is not a difference in how an average pagan wears his hair compared to a follower of Yeshua. You do stand some credibility in your thinking, but I say that with reservations as to not sound as if all the laws are replaceable or have become obsolete. One has to be careful in discerning the truth of the word.

 

[dancing queen]

The Bible is full of do's and dont's. However, if you do not understand why, they you may be following a useless rule. Christians have pretty much decided that the dietary laws are some do's and dont's that may be ignored beause they think they know why they were mentioned.

This isn't true. Christians no-longer follow the Jewish dietry laws because in Acts Peter was given a vision by God which said that Christians no longer have to abstain from certian food etc. It came at the same time as telling Peter and co, that Christ was for gentiles to, not just Jews.

 

[Quath]

This isn't true. Christians no-longer follow the Jewish dietry laws because in Acts Peter was given a vision by God which said that Christians no longer have to abstain from certian food etc. It came at the same time as telling Peter and co, that Christ was for gentiles to, not just Jews.

Dietary laws are just one example (the Old Testament laws according to the Bible are perfect and eternal). Other examples are keeping the Sabbath (Saturday) holy by not working. Most Christians are k with working on the weekend. TanNinety gives a good example of haircuts. Another is the part of the Bible tells women to be quiet in Church, but we ignore that today. Another example is where the Bible forbids men with crushed testicles from being welcome before God.

Many of the laws have been modified, ignored or changed based on what is believed to be the principle behind the laws. If you know why a law was made, then you know when it is ok to ignore that law.

 

[lovely]

Hi Quath,

Quath wrote: Dietary laws are just one example (the Old Testament laws according to the Bible are perfect and eternal). Other examples are keeping the Sabbath (Saturday) holy by not working. Most Christians are k with working on the weekend. TanNinety gives a good example of haircuts. Another is the part of the Bible tells women to be quiet in Church, but we ignore that today. Another example is where the Bible forbids men with crushed testicles from being welcome before God.

Many of the laws have been modified, ignored or changed based on what is believed to be the principle behind the laws. If you know why a law was made, then you know when it is ok to ignore that law.

Have you considered the natural consequences of sin? I will keep with your examples. Dietary laws may have protected the Jews from many diseases, and insured good nutrition among their nation, which rippled into many areas of their lives as individuals, and as a nation. There are also spiritual reasons that pointed to Christ, but that's another topic. The Sabbath rest is designed to make us honor God, and rest from six days of work...this is also healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There are also spiritual reasons with this too.

When we choose not to do these things, we also risk suffering the natural physical consequences here, even if God's grace is in place as far as spiritual things go. I think the natural consequence to relations before marriage is the diseases that can be spread from having multiple partners that we are not committed to properly. I think hearts become hardened emotionally because of the pattern of being together, and then breaking up, and then repeating that again with someone else possibly. I think it is a poor example of lack of commitment among people, and families, that has rippled through our culture and led to many teen issues. It is second to adultery, I think.

We now deal with pregnancies in children, in single women, and this has led to many other problems...abortion, which is unhealthy for ALL involved, and many other things that are related imo. It is acceptable now, and promoted in our culture, but it is not best for us. I think the lack of honor that comes with having relations without making a vow (before God and man), and coming together with God's blessing is probably the worst. There is no accountabilty, no required faithfulness, and unstable for any child who may be brought into that situation. Why would someone give all of themselves to another as one flesh on maybe, or until I don't feel like it anymore, or even on a promise to wed? The two become one in vow before God, in this manner alone, and all else is less, and cheap. I think the natural blessings of obeying God's laws are in place, and so are the natural consequences of disobedience as well. I think love is the covenant, and the physical relations, along with many other things, pour out from that. Just a thought. The Lord bless you.