Speaking of Mothers & Daughters....

[WIP]

I am in a situation and I'm not sure what to do or if maybe I'm in the wrong.

As I see it, my wife and I have very different outlooks when it comes to raising children. I am of the school that says we need to let the kids make mistakes and learn to overcome obstacles and situations. Yes, we need to be there to help them up when they fall but let them fall we must. My wife on the other hand seems to look at it differently. I believe she would rather prevent them from falling in the first place and now it's beginning to create problems for me.

Our youngest daughter turned 21 this past July. She also graduated from college and has been working all along. She still lives with us at home. Now the problem.

In my view, I believe it is important for her to learn to be on her own and I believe there are a couple ways we can help her do that. One would be for her to find her own place. The other would be for her to begin to pay rent to us, not because we need the financial support but because I believe it is important for her to learn that life doesn't give us a free ride.

I've brought up this subject twice in the last couple months, yesterday being the most recent, and both times I got serious push back from my wife. She believes we need to continue as we are so our daughter can save her money and hopefully build up to possibly contribute to a down-payment on a house or some other use. She is totally appalled at the idea of charging our daughter rent to live at home and almost as much at the idea of asking her to find her own place.

To our daughter's credit, she is a very responsible woman, particularly with her finances and she doesn't just sit around doing nothing. She contributes to the household chores and so on so that is not an issue.

Our oldest daughter is much more independent and left home as soon as she returned from college. To our chagrin, she chose to move in with her boyfriend. Fortunately, if all goes as planned, they will be married September 15, 2018.

I don't know what to do but it is beginning to give me stress enough to keep me awake at night.
What are your thoughts or advice?

 

[Eugene]

To our daughter's credit, she is a very responsible woman, particularly with her finances and she doesn't just sit around doing nothing. She contributes to the household chores and so on so that is not an issue.

Brother WIP, unless you're strapped for fiances yourself, and you could give up those ice fishing trips instead with far less turmoil ahead I'd rest easy, enjoy the privilege of having her for a while longer, and end up with a wife just loving you as if it were your idea.
Pro 21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house, and especially regurgitating the bitter gall of bitterness of attempting to be right.

 

[WIP]

Brother WIP, unless you're strapped for fiances yourself, and you could give up those ice fishing trips instead with far less turmoil ahead I'd rest easy, enjoy the privilege of having her for a while longer, and end up with a wife just loving you as if it were your idea.
Pro 21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house, and especially regurgitating the bitter gall of bitterness of attempting to be right.

That's probably where I'll have to end up but I am concerned about our daughter's vision of life. I don't want her to become dependent on us to the point that she is unable to be self-sufficient. She is trying to get her own business off the ground and I realize this can be a difficult time and so I can understand my wife wanting to help for that reason but I also know part of her reasoning is selfish in that, as you said, she enjoys having our daughter around. I do too but I also want to be realistic and sure to do what's best for our daughters.

Oh, and thanks for the proverb. It is helpful.

 

[Mike]

I could see positives in both approaches at this point in her life, so there may not be a "right way". What about a compromise? Have her pay you rent on time each month, imposing a penalty if she is late, but store it away for her first place of her own. This seems like it would achieve both of your purposes.

 

[WIP]

I could see positives in both approaches at this point in her life, so there may not be a "right way". What about a compromise? Have her pay you rent on time each month, imposing a penalty if she is late, but store it away for her first place of her own. This seems like it would achieve both of your purposes.

I've been thinking of something like that.

 

[LovethroughDove]

Eugene is absolutely correct on this one. Unless you can't make it right now with your finances, let her build up that equity if your wife thinks that would be more helpful. My husband and I are having conflict like this right now. He doesn't want to help anyone financially and he has the attitude we need the money, but he is just being stingy with our cash.

I understand that you want to help her be self-sufficient and I bet she probably already does know how to be, but it sounds like there is a goal in mind and your wife thinks your daughter will be able to achieve it by accumulating a savings first.