You'd need somebody else only during those ten percent of the time. Responsibility is important for a happy life, at least it is for me. So because of 10% dysfunction I should be rejected happiness altogether? Many people that have no mental diagnosis are failing their duties and others' expectations just as often but find excuses and will be accepted that way because failing is human or whatever. But a mental diagnosis is like a label saying that I am dysfunctional altogether although most of the time my behaviour is normal (else I wouldn't be here, but institutionalised).
Also I noticed that when given responsibility I function rather well. Much better than in some protected environment for mentally ill. The environment is rubbing off. Also, the expectations others have are somewhat defining how I behave. That's normal, most people adapt to their surroundings like that, but even more so people with my disorder. If people just don't know what's wrong with me and thus treat me as if I was normal I behave much more normal than if they know I'm disturbed and try to protect me and go easy on me or excuse my off behaviour.
Last year the worst time I had was in summer when I was in a mental hospital and couldn't make it through a single day without self harm or outward aggression. But the best I did in that year was during a christian summer camp only two weeks after the release from hospital when I (together with another guy) was in charge of a part of the camp site that "housed" like 80 people. I felt awesome, was emotionally stable, did my job and had lots of fun with the great people in our camp site village, despite the large amounts of stress and pressure, except for a few week moments when I was really stressed.
I've often lost my temper in/ after church and attacked myself or others of my church - but only on sundays when I was a mere attendee. However, I always felt great when I was on sound tech duty (or some other meaningful part of the service) although it can get really stressful (depending how well organised and prepared the worship band is, you know how messy some musicians are...;-)) and I'm still a newbie in that business. But the responsibility actually makes me better adjusted because it makes my brain go into serene dependable adult mode for a few hours - because having some responsibility somehow suggests that I'm a dependable adult.
Oh well... I get what you mean, though.
The reason I posted in this thread was a conversation I had with a guy (a social worker who's job is to help people like me live an independent life despite illness) who told me that in his private life he's cautious when dealing with people of whom he knows they have or had mental issues, and although he doesn't want to stigmatise them he still doesn't feel as comfortable around them as he would feel around people who don't have such problems - even after years of apparent sanity.
So I was thinking about how many potential friendships I have destroyed over the years, and how many people that have experienced my dark side first hand will forever feel too uncomfortable around me to fully trust me and consider me a loyal dependable friend even if I never show the slightest symptom of craziness again.
Mental illness, not only the symptoms, but also the stigma related to it, creates distance between people and isolates the ill person from real friendship and trust. That's much more sad than not being trusted with a a certain job.
Sorry for hijacking the thread. It's an issue that's been on my mind and making me sad for the last few days.
What you're going through is such a hard thing for the average person to comprehend. I guess that's probably because of the very fact it's a MENTAL issue and our mentality is where our understanding comes from. It's not your fault because of your condition, it's the fault of the rest of us that don't seem to have the ability to understand. Hey, maybe it's all of us that are considered "normal" that actually have a mental deficiency for not being able to understand, eh? We can tell ourselves what is the "right way" to behave towards folks with mental illness, but most of us will probably never actually understand it.
My comments on not being able to depend on you for 10% of the time were meant sort of as a hypothetical of you being an employee in a business or some other type of situation where you are needed to perform a function and it would be hard to just put someone else in your position without being forewarned of the need. I'm assuming the episodes where you don't function well come on pretty much at random or are triggered by things out of your control and aren't something you can plan ahead for?
But with that said, I know how right you are about how helpful it is to be given normal expectations and responsibilities. I've seen this demonstrated many times in other situations. One time was when I was a youth pastor in charge of a Jr high School program. I was given the job with a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds who had pretty much been treated like babies by the previous leader, and they acted the part too. They were terrible and I'm pretty sure I was given this as my first job only because no one else wanted it! So after a couple of weeks wondering what to do, I decided to pretend in my mind that they were grown adults and treat them accordingly. I would give them the exact same responsibilities that I would trust an adult with, and also EXPECT the exact same performance that I would expect from an adult and let them suffer the same consequences if they messed up. Hey, why not? In many cultures young teenagers carry out all the same responsibilities as adults, so I know they are capable, right?
As time went by, there were a lot of problems at first, sure. But I dealt with them just as I would deal with adults. Within 9 months I had a group of about 60 Jr High kids that could take on any task an adult could do, and do it just as well, and in a lot of cases even better than most adults. We had a week long wilderness backpacking retreat that summer with about 18 or 20 of them. When we got to the trail head parking lot (where the leader will usually lay down the rules and list out the punishments for disobeying) all I told them was "You guys know what's right and what's wrong. There is one rule. Don't do anything wrong." for the entire retreat they behaved as well or better than any group of adults in the same situation. The adults I had along as helpers told me over and over how they had never seen anything like it for the Jr High group and just couldn't believe how well behaved they were. No one had to be told to do any tasks, they just did what was needed. No one had to be yelled at or disciplined in any way. They just didn't do the wrong thing! They were given responsibility with no negative expectations of failure, and they shined. Why shouldn't the same apply to someone with occasional mental issues?
On the other hand, I had an opportunity to see the opposite effect when I became a police officer. In the police academy at the time the philosophy was to tear everyone down mentally and physically. I don't agree with that, but that's the way it was. So this group of adults that have been carefully screened to be above average in maturity and responsibility was treated the same way many adults would treat a bunch of little kids. We were constantly told how pathetic and worthless we were, how we knew nothing and needed to get on the ball if we were ever to accomplish anything. We were constantly monitored and never trusted with any kind of responsibility without someone watching. It went on and on. You get the picture.
Well, this group of adults started out acting like a typical group of responsible and mature adults in a professional environment. But it didn't take long at all for most everyone to start behaving far more irresponsible and immature than any group of Jr High kids I've known, even the ones of my first experience that were so incredibly horrible!
So I know you're absolutely right about how helpful it is to be given responsibility and treated right. I hope we can all learn how to be better at that. We need to.
As for me, you have given me encouragement. I'm a sound tech too. Been doing it at every church function for years as well as for a few semi pro bands and even design and build systems. The church wants me to train a volunteer that can take over if I'm ever absent, but the only person that has shown any real interest is a pre-teen! She's only been in the sound booth one time so far. She shows a talent and understanding for it, but her age worried me, as well as knowing how the church leaders are going to worry about that when they find out I'm training her. My plan was to deal with her the same way I dealt with the Jr High kids, but of course I have to admit it still makes me a little nervous. But what you have said about mental illness and the effects of being given responsibility and trust apply just as much to an immature mind as they do to an ill mind! So I know how right you are about that. I will be applying the concept to my 10 year old apprentice and I hope we all can also learn to do that same for those who have mental problems too!
