Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,233
- 10,718
could be worse. could be hellish, actually. this is not hellish. this is not even truly bad, just...strange, I suppose (?). unexpected, definitely.
I'm 37. I'll soon be 38. Before too long, I'll be headed into 10 years of truly Knowing Jesus. and....
"...put off the old, put on the new..." God does that, not me. -captain obvious, lol- seriously. it took me forever to get that, much less...starting looking outwards and upwards, not inwards...to help facilitate The Lord -making it happen-. ugh. maybe too much mental health, inc? too many labels? doesn't matter now, does it? "...put aside what is behind and press forward..."
Cannot support myself. Labeled with "Schizophrenia." Funny thing about all psych labels -- especially Schizophrenia, for whatever reasons -- the definitions tend to be...vague. subject to change. not supported by blood tests, brain scans, not even autopsy (psych treatment shows up, sadly). In the old USSR, their psychiatrists "developed" the concept of 'sluggish schizophrenia,' which basically meant...
that individual needs to be confined to a fabulous state hospital, probably for a long time. predictably, it was a popular label for dissidents.
whoever lives upstairs...they yell about wanting me in a state hospital. there's not much of a state hospital left...21st century red state America, there's other things to spend tax dollars on I suppose...
the latest has been people yelling out about "put him in a -group home- ," that kind of thing. I actually called and spoke to my current counselor about it. He put it down for "hallucination," but he chatted me up about the "levels of care" available thru community/state funded mental health (I go to a community outpatient mental health clinic), and...
too high functioning for a group home and all that, definitely too high functioning for today's state hospital. the other issue -- and I'm glad be spoke to me about it -- is that one cannot be put -into- such a place. committed, if absolutely necessary...that's about the extent of it (except for insanity plea cases...those are very rare where I live, and apparently -not a good idea- , from the defendant's perspective...). so...
I dunno. I tried to volunteer in the small city I live in (close to my small hometown), and...no. taunts and bullying within 5 minutes of starting the shift at the non profit. i was...outta there. done.
truth? My parents hit the well to do (ish) range while I was out of state, doing a program to "help" me...and now I've been back in the area for a bit over 10 years, now, and...
what to make of any of it? not so "sick" that I need the fun fun fun psychiatry treats so many with...
but, honestly; my own perspective is that the less "sick" (again...what does that really -mean- ?) I become, the more hostility I encounter when out and about, the more people want me put in a group home or committed, the more they insist that "his family -cannot help him- ," and all that junk. I don't know those people.
what's especially...odd, in a creepy way... is how I have not even been arrested in over 9 years, now...got a plea deal (no felony!) for that nonsense over 8 years ago, and...
I'm starting to feel...notorious? infamous? are there other "high functioning" psych labeled people to mess with, maybe?
mama's retired. dad's getting there (part time, transition to full on retirement...one day...). maybe that's part of it? mama's pretty much -done- with the old workplace. I don't think she keeps in touch with any of her former colleagues, now...nothing serious, anyway. she did have a quality lunch with a former administrative assistant or something the other day, quite nice for both of them I think.
dad...always an excellent employee, career started taking off 10-13 years ago, he even got a big time award on behalf of a group of coworkers from a big time state politician. I knew about that before and after it happened, because my parents told me, and I was quite happy for them...
and then I heard about it, again, when some people were yelling out, loudly, about it outside my bedroom window at 2 AM. that was...fun, lol.
not that I was or am 110% victim of (whatever). its just...today is a better day. its quiet, uneventful in a -good way- , and I can focus on gratitude and moving towards contentment and gratitude...
but there's this element of sort of day dream-iness to it, if that makes sense. people taunt upstairs and blah blah blah...not that big a deal, although it -was- bad when the burglar alarm was tripped and I think (?) it might be because someone has a key, but (thank goodness...) they didn't know the code to the security keypad, so that is probably what happened...I came back here, to meet up with the cops. nothing missing, and...yeah. yeah.
I dunno. I keep hearing that "he hung out with cool people, so they ripped him to shreds!" and "yeah, they made an example out of him!" and "yeah, well...he really should have just killed himself!," and I think, now..wasn't just the "helping professions" (LOL), it was..
sin, satan, self, and the world. pretty much true of every human being, ever. Jesus intervened and now...
imperfect, blessed, forgiven, and...confused. not so confused as to not function and/or do -something- , but...
"we will find you WHEREVER you go!" -- that's one taunt that's been on loop for a while now. no, not hallucinating. fun fact: for all this talk of "paranoia" and junk, I think maybe this is just...the great reveal, lol. fun facts: I was driven out of the dorms at a state school at age 17 (thought i was hallucinating)...I was not permitted to speak in class (I think maybe it was the college shrink's idea or...something?), my various psych labels and such were -never- kept confidential ("severe personality disorder," other junk...), and...
yeah, I was riff raff, "supposed to be expelled!" and...blah. God is Love. God is Good. Thankfully...
all these years later, I'm labeled with "Schizophrenia," but I think I'm more "...of sound mind..." now, in Christ, than I ever was back then...you know, back when I was "malingering" with a "severe personality disorder" and...blah blah blah. but who listens to "college drop outs?" about as many people as will listen to "mental patients," lol.
I have what I need + a lil bit extra. not luxe, not poverty. sometimes, I worry that...as I approach 40, not only will never be able to sustain any sort of employment that could lead to a meaningful degree of self-sufficiency...
I may not even be able to do much in the way of volunteer work, either. that non profit I volunteered at...I don't think I was well liked, maybe that was part of it? I wasn't a bad volunteer, just...not welcome there, I guess?
doesn't matter, does it? God is Good. God is Love. All of us are part of a "...peculiar people, set aside for a purpose...," and I hope and pray God will make a way for what's left of my life to be...fulfilling, perhaps productive, definitely moral and meaningful.
on the plus side...it kind of reassures me to see that no matter who I was, no matter what sins I committed on the broad road...I have been fundamentally changed by Jesus, following forgiveness. people throw up slander and junk from way back, and...maybe someone doesn't want me to live here (both in terms of my place and the small city, in general) ? that would...kind of make sense, I guess. I was driven out of a nearby small town...wow, 15 years ago now, I think. in my mess then...I think God had His hand on me. only explanation I can come up with.
ok. My life is often quiet and peaceful and good...infinitely better than prison or what's left of the state hospital, really better than any "solution" the world had for me, till Jesus intervened...
maybe that's part of the...never ending taunting and ridicule and nonsense? I try not to jump to persecution, because...my past was extra-shady, and a lot of the junk that gets thrown up in my face is from then...I mean, its not accurate, I think some of it is because God freed me from traps, and...
yeah. I am -a- Christian, and I think Jesus is...in my case, probably the case for a lot of Christians...the reason I am alive and in society, at all. so, there's that.
ok. Please keep my parents and me up in prayer, and...I really would appreciate some replies. nothing too emo or anything, just...ugh. no local friends, parents are kind and supportive but...good, wonderful people, but in my family: parents are not friends, even at age 37. lol. so, there's that.
thanks, yet again.
I'm 37. I'll soon be 38. Before too long, I'll be headed into 10 years of truly Knowing Jesus. and....
"...put off the old, put on the new..." God does that, not me. -captain obvious, lol- seriously. it took me forever to get that, much less...starting looking outwards and upwards, not inwards...to help facilitate The Lord -making it happen-. ugh. maybe too much mental health, inc? too many labels? doesn't matter now, does it? "...put aside what is behind and press forward..."
Cannot support myself. Labeled with "Schizophrenia." Funny thing about all psych labels -- especially Schizophrenia, for whatever reasons -- the definitions tend to be...vague. subject to change. not supported by blood tests, brain scans, not even autopsy (psych treatment shows up, sadly). In the old USSR, their psychiatrists "developed" the concept of 'sluggish schizophrenia,' which basically meant...
that individual needs to be confined to a fabulous state hospital, probably for a long time. predictably, it was a popular label for dissidents.
whoever lives upstairs...they yell about wanting me in a state hospital. there's not much of a state hospital left...21st century red state America, there's other things to spend tax dollars on I suppose...
the latest has been people yelling out about "put him in a -group home- ," that kind of thing. I actually called and spoke to my current counselor about it. He put it down for "hallucination," but he chatted me up about the "levels of care" available thru community/state funded mental health (I go to a community outpatient mental health clinic), and...
too high functioning for a group home and all that, definitely too high functioning for today's state hospital. the other issue -- and I'm glad be spoke to me about it -- is that one cannot be put -into- such a place. committed, if absolutely necessary...that's about the extent of it (except for insanity plea cases...those are very rare where I live, and apparently -not a good idea- , from the defendant's perspective...). so...
I dunno. I tried to volunteer in the small city I live in (close to my small hometown), and...no. taunts and bullying within 5 minutes of starting the shift at the non profit. i was...outta there. done.
truth? My parents hit the well to do (ish) range while I was out of state, doing a program to "help" me...and now I've been back in the area for a bit over 10 years, now, and...
what to make of any of it? not so "sick" that I need the fun fun fun psychiatry treats so many with...
but, honestly; my own perspective is that the less "sick" (again...what does that really -mean- ?) I become, the more hostility I encounter when out and about, the more people want me put in a group home or committed, the more they insist that "his family -cannot help him- ," and all that junk. I don't know those people.
what's especially...odd, in a creepy way... is how I have not even been arrested in over 9 years, now...got a plea deal (no felony!) for that nonsense over 8 years ago, and...
I'm starting to feel...notorious? infamous? are there other "high functioning" psych labeled people to mess with, maybe?
mama's retired. dad's getting there (part time, transition to full on retirement...one day...). maybe that's part of it? mama's pretty much -done- with the old workplace. I don't think she keeps in touch with any of her former colleagues, now...nothing serious, anyway. she did have a quality lunch with a former administrative assistant or something the other day, quite nice for both of them I think.
dad...always an excellent employee, career started taking off 10-13 years ago, he even got a big time award on behalf of a group of coworkers from a big time state politician. I knew about that before and after it happened, because my parents told me, and I was quite happy for them...
and then I heard about it, again, when some people were yelling out, loudly, about it outside my bedroom window at 2 AM. that was...fun, lol.
not that I was or am 110% victim of (whatever). its just...today is a better day. its quiet, uneventful in a -good way- , and I can focus on gratitude and moving towards contentment and gratitude...
but there's this element of sort of day dream-iness to it, if that makes sense. people taunt upstairs and blah blah blah...not that big a deal, although it -was- bad when the burglar alarm was tripped and I think (?) it might be because someone has a key, but (thank goodness...) they didn't know the code to the security keypad, so that is probably what happened...I came back here, to meet up with the cops. nothing missing, and...yeah. yeah.
I dunno. I keep hearing that "he hung out with cool people, so they ripped him to shreds!" and "yeah, they made an example out of him!" and "yeah, well...he really should have just killed himself!," and I think, now..wasn't just the "helping professions" (LOL), it was..
sin, satan, self, and the world. pretty much true of every human being, ever. Jesus intervened and now...
imperfect, blessed, forgiven, and...confused. not so confused as to not function and/or do -something- , but...
"we will find you WHEREVER you go!" -- that's one taunt that's been on loop for a while now. no, not hallucinating. fun fact: for all this talk of "paranoia" and junk, I think maybe this is just...the great reveal, lol. fun facts: I was driven out of the dorms at a state school at age 17 (thought i was hallucinating)...I was not permitted to speak in class (I think maybe it was the college shrink's idea or...something?), my various psych labels and such were -never- kept confidential ("severe personality disorder," other junk...), and...
yeah, I was riff raff, "supposed to be expelled!" and...blah. God is Love. God is Good. Thankfully...
all these years later, I'm labeled with "Schizophrenia," but I think I'm more "...of sound mind..." now, in Christ, than I ever was back then...you know, back when I was "malingering" with a "severe personality disorder" and...blah blah blah. but who listens to "college drop outs?" about as many people as will listen to "mental patients," lol.
I have what I need + a lil bit extra. not luxe, not poverty. sometimes, I worry that...as I approach 40, not only will never be able to sustain any sort of employment that could lead to a meaningful degree of self-sufficiency...
I may not even be able to do much in the way of volunteer work, either. that non profit I volunteered at...I don't think I was well liked, maybe that was part of it? I wasn't a bad volunteer, just...not welcome there, I guess?
doesn't matter, does it? God is Good. God is Love. All of us are part of a "...peculiar people, set aside for a purpose...," and I hope and pray God will make a way for what's left of my life to be...fulfilling, perhaps productive, definitely moral and meaningful.
on the plus side...it kind of reassures me to see that no matter who I was, no matter what sins I committed on the broad road...I have been fundamentally changed by Jesus, following forgiveness. people throw up slander and junk from way back, and...maybe someone doesn't want me to live here (both in terms of my place and the small city, in general) ? that would...kind of make sense, I guess. I was driven out of a nearby small town...wow, 15 years ago now, I think. in my mess then...I think God had His hand on me. only explanation I can come up with.
ok. My life is often quiet and peaceful and good...infinitely better than prison or what's left of the state hospital, really better than any "solution" the world had for me, till Jesus intervened...
maybe that's part of the...never ending taunting and ridicule and nonsense? I try not to jump to persecution, because...my past was extra-shady, and a lot of the junk that gets thrown up in my face is from then...I mean, its not accurate, I think some of it is because God freed me from traps, and...
yeah. I am -a- Christian, and I think Jesus is...in my case, probably the case for a lot of Christians...the reason I am alive and in society, at all. so, there's that.
ok. Please keep my parents and me up in prayer, and...I really would appreciate some replies. nothing too emo or anything, just...ugh. no local friends, parents are kind and supportive but...good, wonderful people, but in my family: parents are not friends, even at age 37. lol. so, there's that.
thanks, yet again.