Struggling to be pure in my relationship

[alice34]

I've known my boyfriend for over a year and we've been dating for nine months. We unexpectedly met in a small group and attend church together every sunday. I'm 21 and he is 26. He's made it very clear to me that he plans on proposing to me in the next year. This is his first long-term relationship. Neither of us have a spotless past. He struggled with a porn addiction for years and is now over it, doesn't look at it, but of course the images are still in his mind. I had a slightly abusive relationship years ago that was sexual in nature, althrough I did not give up my virginity.

The closer that we get emotionally, the more difficult it is to keep our hands off each other. I know this is nothing new in relationships. But I feel like it's my fault because I might look at him a certain way and I push his buttons. I think it's fun to turn him on but I know that it's unproductive and that I shouldn't do it. I've been feeling more and more guilty because I know how much he cares about me and practices self control with us. Most of the time he is the one to slow us down and take a breather and stop us from going too far. I feel confused because I care about him too, but if I cared about him the same amount as he does, wouldn't I refrain myself from trying to turn him on? It's like I'm addicted to sexual seductive behavior but I'm not having sex or touching his happy area and he isn't touching mine.

If we are going to make it through this relationship and possible engagement to marriage without crossing serious lines, I think I really need advice. Trying to filter myself and push my sexual nature down isn't enough right now.

I know it's not all my fault. When I don't feel like making out and would rather do something else, he is clearly disappointed to an extend. Making out is fun. And because of all he's seen in porn, he struggles with keeping his mind clear. He just doesn't let on that he struggles with it.

We talk about everything but this is something we can't seem to find any solutions to. If anyone has some advice, please, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[Davies]

alice34,

I'd like to offer what I think would be helpful, but I confess I failed to remain pure with my wife before we were married. But having been married now for twelve years, I've learned a few things. The most important aspect of your marriage should be your faith in Jesus. I would imagine a break down in faith would be a source of many problems in a relationship. Your relationship with Jesus is priority, then your spouse. You shared in your post intimate touching was taking place, making out. In my opinion, this is dangerous behavior only because when hormones are alive and well, we can underestimate the power behind them. Think how beautiful it will be as you guys remain faithful to the Lord in this pre-engagement and then engagement period. I can only imagine what it must be like to save yourself and present yourself to your spouse as a virgin. You will share this with each other for the rest of your life. As your relationship grows with each other, you will require a lot of grace for one another. Marriage is difficult and you will need God's grace to help you. Without His grace, you can expect heartache and pain without resolution. With His grace, you will experience heartache and pain, but you will grow closer together, and your marriage will be all the stronger. I don't mean to be a big downer here, but perhaps your marriage will be much different then my experience. When the good times roll, I'm sure you will experience a lot of joy. When the good times are not so good, will you love him anyway? I know my own heart to a great degree, and you must be diligent with your relationship in Jesus. If my daughter was your age, she's only 6, I would share the same things with her. I'll pray for you alice34.

- Davies

 

[alice34]

Davies, thank you for your honesty. I was unsure about posting in a Christian forum, afraid I'd just run into fake people who pretend they've never made mistakes or struggled with anything. I agree with you that it's definately worth the wait and that making out isn't the best way to pass the time. I opened up to him about this and talked to him a couple of days ago. I was reading a book about sexual purity that suggests we take a look at the people we've pursued and why we've gone after them or dated them and what all those people have in common. I realized that all the guys I've liked, I've only really liked because they gave me attention that my own father didn't give me as a young girl. I never thought I'd be one who has those kinds of guy issues stemming back to my dad, but, I am. It makes sense to me now because I realize I don't want to be sexual pre-marriage, but I've seen that it get me attention and I crave attention. It's like there's the real me who just wants to play a card game or something, and then there's the broken me who wants to turn my boyfriend on for no reason other than the power and attention I recieve. After realizing this and reading more about sexual integrity, I make a point every morning to talk to God and ask him specifically to help me with this. So far, I feel like I'm able to be more innocent and pure in my actions and thoughts.

I really appreciate what you've said and will be thinking more about the question of will I still love him when something goes wrong and will that love be more powerful than anger or annoyance. Obviously if I don't and its not, then it isn't real love. Thank you for your prayers.

 

[Davies]

I really appreciate what you've said and will be thinking more about the question of will I still love him when something goes wrong and will that love be more powerful than anger or annoyance. Obviously if I don't and its not, then it isn't real love. Thank you for your prayers.

When I read the next to last few sentences about not being able to love when times are difficult, I started thinking about my own relationship to the Lord. I like to examine myself often when the subject comes up, but I want to make sure my faith in genuine. I have failed on numerous occasions to do what I believe Jesus wants me to do. This likely means I haven't loved the Lord like I should. The constant in the relationship is God though. Jesus doesn't fail to love us. If you have a strong enough faith to recognize God's love for you when you've failed so much, I think this will help you to love the same if your spouse fails you, and vice-versa. I'm still trying to love my wife better through this very process and it has helped me. Thank you for sharing something very personal. My hope is for the best for you and your boy friend.

- Davies