Talking to Kids About Masturbation

[Focus on the Family]

When it comes to the topic of talking to kids about masturbation, the question “right or wrong?” can dominate the discussion. However, pointing kids toward the healthy relational (versus solo) purposes of marital sex is usually the most helpful way to orient your talks. And, no matter what the age, it’s certainly best to avoid shame, which may encourage intense secrecy and embarrassment.

Of course, there’s been no lack of coarse joking as well as staunch religious advice given throughout time on this personal issue. Don’t let these attitudes silence you as a parent. Keep your objectives simple and your references mature and to the point. Your growing children will be comforted and aided by your kind, mature wisdom and gentle direction.

Perfect timing may be difficult to establish. But aim to be the initial person from whom they learn about this topic. You don’t want to prematurely plant ideas of experimentation. But you do want to prevent any worrisome wondering or misuse after self-discovery.

It’s always best if you are the trusted and calm starting place of information on difficult topics. Recognize that other sources may be unreliable and unsafe for your kids. Let your children know you are an emotionally safe source of information.

Your Objectives for Talking to Your Kids​

• Talking to your kids about masturbation around the time you suspect puberty is arriving. The timeline for this may be earlier if your children ask questions about it. Or if culture or peers have brought this awareness to your children.
• For preteens/teens, define masturbation in appropriate terms that make sense without being overly graphic.
• Let your children know you are an emotionally safe source of information. Then, emphasize that they are invited to talk comfortably with you about the topic whenever needed.
• Inoculate them against shame or turmoil over the very common experience of teen masturbation.
• Orient your teens with long-term positive goals for how they steward sexuality. Also, how they might respectfully relate to their urges and normal development.
• Give direction for why they are getting the feelings they have, which helps prevent problematic and addictive masturbation. Especially as it relates to coupling it with pornography, fantasy or the presence of other individuals.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Masturbation​

Teach accurate information. Correctly explain that the sensitivity of genital nerve endings is the way the body is made. The purpose and meaning for this is ultimately about love and relationship in marriage. This is the main purpose of sex. It isn’t supposed to be “all about me.”

Explain that self-control and the mature use of the body in marriage is the goal—not to get stuck on masturbation, but also not to feel abnormal about it occurring.

Use proper terms when talking to your kids. Explain that masturbation is the touching or movement of the genital area (penis for males and clitoris for females) to the point of a physical sensation called arousal. Be clear that it’s not physically damaging to the genitals or body. As maturity warrants, add:

• It may also involve an intense sensation in the body called an orgasm.
• Becoming aware of or experiencing this ability of the body is a common part of growing up.
• For boys this sometimes leads to the fluid called semen being released out of the penis. Semen comes out of the same opening as urine.
• Ask what they already know about this topic and if they have questions. Assure them that it’s best if they bring their questions to you. This is important because there is a lot of misinformation and even harmful information on this topic out there. Let them know you are glad to talk. Also, that you will find the correct answers if you don’t have them.
• The Focus on the Family Guide to Talking With Your Kids About Sex offers excellent phrases and accurate medical references to use with your child (see page 169 of the book or the book’s index).

Age-Appropriate Reminders​

Clarify what you have discussed. Explain that because masturbation is personal and a private topic. Although, many people make fun of it. Especially, during the teenager age and stage. Say that you want them to know better than to feel shame or excessive worry over this. No matter if this topic affects them personally or not, it can seem embarrassing. But encourage your kid to talk with you about masturbation if they have concerns.

Use this illustration. When an athlete wants to become an Olympian, he keeps his purpose in focus. Then, he tries to move in the positive direction of his goals.

• He doesn’t do things that intentionally train him away from his goals. Such as eating junk food or avoiding regular healthy workouts.
• Yet he doesn’t feel surprised, ashamed or defeated during the time it takes to gain the physical and mental maturity to become an Olympian. Instead, he just keeps moving.
• His coach understands his developmental process and he does, too. If there’s a problem or barrier along the way they address it together as a team.
• Ask your child what he thinks it teaches in relation to the topic of masturbation.

Teach Your Kids the Harms of Masturbation​

Certain things can pose danger if they become associated with masturbation. Mention the following with to kids as the main examples:

• Masturbation as compulsive or an all-consuming emotional escape can create an addictive habit if it evolves into a coping mechanism for stress or difficult emotions. Rather than discuss or face worries, such as loneliness or social/ relational challenges, some people might insulate their hearts and lives and become consumed by masturbation.
• The use of pornography or fantasy introduces unreal images producing strong and memorable responses in the brain. This adds to the addictive potential of masturbation and warps our view of healthy marital sexuality.

Specific Phrases to Explain to Your Kids​

• Masturbation with another person outside of marriage leaves an unintended impact on our minds and hearts. Furthermore, it not in line with the goal and overall marital meaning and purpose of sex.
• State, “While I hope you don’t become consumed by unhealthy behaviors, it’s important not to be secretive or isolated; don’t be embarrassed to ask for help or wise input. While it’s normal to want to avoid talking to a parent about this as you get further into your teens, let’s try to keep the topic open for conversation if that’s ever needed.”
• Mention that staying in the right balance with the mind and body will probably feel challenging at times. That’s normal, too. Instruct kids to remember that they can do something other than masturbate if they feel the need to choose otherwise. Moving intentionally into other actions (sports, games, positive social or spiritual activities) are good alternatives.
• Explain that their energy and interest in sex is not bad. Instead, show your kids that there is a purpose for sexual energy. Teach your children to grow as a person with the goal of eventually becoming a great spouse some day.

Final Thoughts on Talking to Your Kids about Masturbation​

Be aware of your child. Genital self-touching sometimes becomes a “go-to” strategy to cope with stress or social isolation. Habitual masturbation of this particular nature is a cue to gently attend to the underlying needs of your teen. Our Focus on the Family FAQ section offers more on this topic. Often, redirection and a calm parental response which does not over focus on the behavior itself is most helpful way to engage with your kid.

* As you talk to your kids about masturbation and believe your child’s behavior in this area is excessive or compulsive, or if its onset is coupled with circumstances or events that trigger more severe behavior, immediately consult with a trained counselor for help in ascertaining the nature of the matter. Our licensed counselors are available to listen and pray with you as well as provide guidance and resources. Find out more at FocusonTheFamily.com/Counseling or call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time).


The post Talking to Kids About Masturbation appeared first on Focus on the Family.

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[Juliarod]

I agree. We must be practical and not give shame to natural things, our children need us to be role models in this. Especially since Bible doesn’t clearly say that masturbation is wrong, and a lot of the arguments against it come from interpretation rather than actual verses. We all know that some people point to the story of Onan in Genesis 38, but that’s really about him refusing his duty, not masturbation. The Bible does talk about self-control and avoiding sexual sin (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), and for many us us masturbation can help manage sexual urges in a safe way without leading to harmful choices. Believe me this is what God and my husband have shown me for my own journey. Bible also says our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), which means taking care of ourselves—including our sexual health—can be a good thing. As the Church also we should focus on grace rather than strict rules (Romans 8:1), right? So if something isn’t hurting you or making you feel guilty, it’s not necessarily wrong. Medically, masturbation has many benefits as many of us know, like lowering stress, helping people sleep better, and even keeping the prostate healthy. It also helps people understand their bodies and feel more comfortable with their sexuality. Unlike unsafe sex, masturbation is completely risk-free—no chance of disease or pregnancy. Experts like Planned Parenthood, Cleveland Clinic, and Healthline all say it’s a normal and healthy part of life. As long as it’s not interfering with daily activities or causing distress, it can be a positive way to take care of yourself. We have to stay away from making natural biological things taboo and not teach unnecessary shame, and teach instead to be balanced, God-focused, moderate with all things and practice self-control. Amen.

 

[WIP]

I agree. We must be practical and not give shame to natural things, our children need us to be role models in this. Especially since Bible doesn’t clearly say that masturbation is wrong, and a lot of the arguments against it come from interpretation rather than actual verses. We all know that some people point to the story of Onan in Genesis 38, but that’s really about him refusing his duty, not masturbation. The Bible does talk about self-control and avoiding sexual sin (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), and for many us us masturbation can help manage sexual urges in a safe way without leading to harmful choices. Believe me this is what God and my husband have shown me for my own journey. Bible also says our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), which means taking care of ourselves—including our sexual health—can be a good thing. As the Church also we should focus on grace rather than strict rules (Romans 8:1), right? So if something isn’t hurting you or making you feel guilty, it’s not necessarily wrong. Medically, masturbation has many benefits as many of us know, like lowering stress, helping people sleep better, and even keeping the prostate healthy. It also helps people understand their bodies and feel more comfortable with their sexuality. Unlike unsafe sex, masturbation is completely risk-free—no chance of disease or pregnancy. Experts like Planned Parenthood, Cleveland Clinic, and Healthline all say it’s a normal and healthy part of life. As long as it’s not interfering with daily activities or causing distress, it can be a positive way to take care of yourself. We have to stay away from making natural biological things taboo and not teach unnecessary shame, and teach instead to be balanced, God-focused, moderate with all things and practice self-control. Amen.

Do you think it is sinful to engage in lustful thoughts, particularly where it involves anyone or anything that is not your spouse? I suspect that it is extremely rare for one to engage in this activity without entertaining lustful thoughts of one form or another and so how do we then reconcile this with what Jesus says as recorded in Matthew 5:27-28?

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
NKJV

 

[Juliarod]

Do you think it is sinful to engage in lustful thoughts, particularly where it involves anyone or anything that is not your spouse? I suspect that it is extremely rare for one to engage in this activity without entertaining lustful thoughts of one form or another and so how do we then reconcile this with what Jesus says as recorded in Matthew 5:27-28?

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
NKJV

I think you are equating masturbation to lust. I don't think they are the same thing.

 

[WIP]

I think you are equating masturbation to lust. I don't think they are the same thing.

I'm saying that except for very rare situations, they go together. We are to avoid giving sin and the devil any opportunity for when we give in even just a little, we fling the door wide open for Satan to come in.

So the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.”
Genesis 4:6-7 ESV

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.
Ephesians 4:26-27 NKJV

1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?
2 Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?

8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him,
9 knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him.
10 For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God.
11 Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.
13 And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.
Romans 6:1-2, 8-13 NKJV

6 Your glorying is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?
7 Therefore purge out the old leaven, that you may be a new lump, since you truly are unleavened. For indeed Christ, our Passover, was sacrificed for us.
8 Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
1 Corinthians 5:6-8 NKJV

Our desire should be to turn away and flee from sinful desires in all its forms and not give opportunity for growth, not even a little bit.

18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,
20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 ESV

21 Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.
22 So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
23 Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels.
24 And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil,
25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth,
26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
2 Timothy 2:21-26 ESV

11 But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.
12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
13 I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontius Pilate made the good confession,
14 to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Timothy 6:11-14 ESV

Know this that I am fully aware of the challenges. It is an on-going battle and one of my thorns in my flesh and this is as important for me as anyone.

 

[Juliarod]

I'm saying that except for very rare situations, they go together.

I think it a slipper slope to inadvertently become a “though police” for other people and speculate what they think/feel during those very private moments. So, I would be careful to make a false equivalence even by proportioning one to be more common than the other. I also think men and women think differently and I think a number of other things go into the differences between people. Perhaps you are speaking from your own experience? And if so, I understand that is your experience and will respect it of course.

 

[WIP]

I think it a slipper slope to inadvertently become a “though police” for other people and speculate what they think/feel during those very private moments. So, I would be careful to make a false equivalence even by proportioning one to be more common than the other. I also think men and women think differently and I think a number of other things go into the differences between people. Perhaps you are speaking from your own experience? And if so, I understand that is your experience and will respect it of course.

My apologies, I accidentally posted before I finished what I was going to write and was editing as you replied.

 

[WIP]

I think it a slipper slope to inadvertently become a “though police” for other people and speculate what they think/feel during those very private moments.

Are you not also doing likewise and playing the role of "thought police" as you put it, assuming that those who engage in this activity are not equating it with lustful thoughts and visions?

 

[Juliarod]

Are you not also doing likewise and playing the role of "thought police" as you put it, assuming that those who engage in this activity are not equating it with lustful thoughts and visions?

I think we each have a choice. I know I can do it without lusting, but I think you feel that you can’t, perhaps? So, based on my experience and the benefits and biological reasons alone I can say that masturbation is natural and useful. That’s all. I didn’t write the article. I just responded positively to it.

 

[WIP]

I think we each have a choice. I know I can do it without lusting, but I think you feel that you can’t, perhaps? So, based on my experience and the benefits and biological reasons alone I can say that masturbation is natural and useful. That’s all. I didn’t write the article. I just responded positively to it.

When I was about 15 or 16 I gave in to temptation and shoplifted (stole) a small item, a piece of candy probably, from a retail store. It seemed simple enough and was not an expensive item and I'm sure it wasn't going to break the bank for them. In fact, it was probably never even realized that the inventoried item had gone missing or if it was, they probably passed it off as a miscount or maybe not.

But, as the analogy of the leaven goes, getting away with it that first time gave me just a little more confidence to try again later. So it went that the leaven began to leaven the whole lump. And being successful that time, boosted my confidence even more until by the time I was 17 I got very good at shoplifting (stealing). I began to fill requests from my friends. One time I even managed to walk out with an entire car stereo system.

Finally, on one day a friend asked me to get some things for him. I made the mistake of allowing him to tag along and his nervousness (guilt) became a problem as it got some of the in-store staff to see us acting suspiciously and watch us more closely. I got caught.

Fortunately for me, getting caught opened my eyes and I repented from my life of thievery and in fact, it changed my whole outlook on stealing, cheating, and lying to the point that to this day I refuse to not tell the truth or cheat or steal. I won't go into the details but I am so honest that it has at times caused some strife with my own wife.

My point in sharing this is that while some may be able to do this activity without letting their thoughts drift to anyone or anything that would violate the sanctity of their marriage, chances are very good that they will not be able to continue indefinitely and sooner or later they will violate that sanctity. In my mind, I think anyone that says they are controlling their thoughts and fantasies that well is deceiving themselves.

Here's another thought. How does this fit in a single person's life?

 

[Hidden In Him]

I think we each have a choice. I know I can do it without lusting, but I think you feel that you can’t, perhaps? So, based on my experience and the benefits and biological reasons alone I can say that masturbation is natural and useful. That’s all. I didn’t write the article. I just responded positively to it.

I think the tenor of the piece is teaching understanding without being condoning. If we explicitly condone, we may be opening the door too wide for some of the warnings mentioned in the piece:

"Explain that self-control and the mature use of the body in marriage is the goal—not to get stuck on masturbation, but also not to feel abnormal about it occurring."

"The use of pornography or fantasy introduces unreal images producing strong and memorable responses in the brain. This adds to the addictive potential of masturbation and warps our view of healthy marital sexuality."

 

[Juliarod]

When I was about 15 or 16 I gave in to temptation and shoplifted (stole) a small item, a piece of candy probably, from a retail store. It seemed simple enough and was not an expensive item and I'm sure it wasn't going to break the bank for them. In fact, it was probably never even realized that the inventoried item had gone missing or if it was, they probably passed it off as a miscount or maybe not.

But, as the analogy of the leaven goes, getting away with it that first time gave me just a little more confidence to try again later. So it went that the leaven began to leaven the whole lump. And being successful that time, boosted my confidence even more until by the time I was 17 I got very good at shoplifting (stealing). I began to fill requests from my friends. One time I even managed to walk out with an entire car stereo system.

Finally, on one day a friend asked me to get some things for him. I made the mistake of allowing him to tag along and his nervousness (guilt) became a problem as it got some of the in-store staff to see us acting suspiciously and watch us more closely. I got caught.

Fortunately for me, getting caught opened my eyes and I repented from my life of thievery and in fact, it changed my whole outlook on stealing, cheating, and lying to the point that to this day I refuse to not tell the truth or cheat or steal. I won't go into the details but I am so honest that it has at times caused some strife with my own wife.

My point in sharing this is that while some may be able to do this activity without letting their thoughts drift to anyone or anything that would violate the sanctity of their marriage, chances are very good that they will not be able to continue indefinitely and sooner or later they will violate that sanctity. In my mind, I think anyone that says they are controlling their thoughts and fantasies that well is deceiving themselves.

Here's another thought. How does this fit in a single person's life?

Thank you for sharing your story and your character. Amen for that. I think when it comes to some in how we masturbate it doesn't have to involve anyone as it is simply relieving the tension "there." I won't go into detail but it is not with all people the same as I think you potentially perceive it to be. I will leave it at that. If masturbation involves a person coveting another person, then it is obviously sin. If it involves simply feeling emotions and releasing the energy through the act of masturbation, well then I will leave for each to figure out between them and God if it is a sin for them. I am not the Holy Spirit and like you, I am not anyone's thought police either.

 

[jasonc]

I think we each have a choice. I know I can do it without lusting, but I think you feel that you can’t, perhaps? So, based on my experience and the benefits and biological reasons alone I can say that masturbation is natural and useful. That’s all. I didn’t write the article. I just responded positively to it.

you are young . with men it's a bit different .

men know they age ,their wife as well but the drive in men doesn't die like menopause. I personally know a saint who at my age of fifty plus fathered two children with his wife of similar age with the use of medicine .it's rare but it happens .he didn't need help she did .

my wife at 42 hit menopause and since then her desire isn't that strong . mine hasn't changed .

my wife isn't as beautiful . so how exactly does a man work that out ?

 

[WIP]

Thank you for sharing your story and your character. Amen for that. I think when it comes to some in how we masturbate it doesn't have to involve anyone as it is simply relieving the tension "there." I won't go into detail but it is not with all people the same as I think you potentially perceive it to be. I will leave it at that. If masturbation involves a person coveting another person, then it is obviously sin. If it involves simply feeling emotions and releasing the energy through the act of masturbation, well then I will leave for each to figure out between them and God if it is a sin for them. I am not the Holy Spirit and like you, I am not anyone's thought police either.

I'm going to introduce another thought here. I kind of touched on it already but want to expand on it a little.

Your opening response in this discussion seems to favor condoning this activity and I am a little concerned, particularly when it comes to young and unmarried persons since the article in the OP is about kids. I've been doing some digging and in some surveys, it talks about such things as inanimate objects being a focus of fantasies during masturbation. One story I read talked about a woman who's first time masturbating fantasized about a bag of peas. This seems to be particularly more common in women than in men. But, like idolatry which includes anything that is placed above our God, even inanimate objects being the focus of our desires can also be considered a form of adultery or at the very least covetousness, right?

At 66 years old, I might be old school but, should the topic of masturbation be given a green light to anyone that is not married and particularly to younger persons whose hormones are running rampant?

 

[Juliarod]

I'm going to introduce another thought here. I kind of touched on it already but want to expand on it a little.

Your opening response in this discussion seems to favor condoning this activity and I am a little concerned, particularly when it comes to young and unmarried persons since the article in the OP is about kids. I've been doing some digging and in some surveys, it talks about such things as inanimate objects being a focus of fantasies during masturbation. One story I read talked about a woman who's first time masturbating fantasized about a bag of peas. This seems to be particularly more common in women than in men. But, like idolatry which includes anything that is placed above our God, even inanimate objects being the focus of our desires can also be considered a form of adultery or at the very least covetousness, right?

At 66 years old, I might be old school but, should the topic of masturbation be given a green light to anyone that is not married and particularly to younger persons whose hormones are running rampant?

I don’t understand the bag of peas reference but I think you are saying women might commit “idolatry” if they aren’t committing adultery through masturbation? Look, I don’t think masturbation is automatically sin. Sorry. I just don’t see it. Emissions are natural and they happen because they need to. Not all people lust after other people when they masturbate. Sorry if this offends everyone here.

 

[jasonc]

I don’t understand the bag of peas reference but I think you are saying women might commit “idolatry” if they aren’t committing adultery through masturbation? Look, I don’t think masturbation is automatically sin. Sorry. I just don’t see it. Emissions are natural and they happen because they need to. Not all people lust after other people when they masturbate. Sorry if this offends everyone here.

so is anger and other emotions that are often unchecked and can be sinful.

I have anger issues at times . with PTSD it is literally documented and visible in cat scans ,pet scans and MRI of the brain how it is changed .anger and numbness and the desire to be alone are now natural to those with it .it isn't normal and acceptable to call it ok to isolate ,be numb And anger can cause a host of health issues .

the bible when I ponder it forces me to fight those.

my base unchecked nature now is to eschew fellowship ,shoot at me and I will react normally as trained ,put me in a crowd and I will find an exit .

I enjoy my current job because I can control how much people I deal with . I can go hours without seeing a person and talking . my patience is low,tolerance for stupidity even less .

it wasn't this way for me before not that I was a social butterfly .yet the bible says a lot on what I do wrong .

one love the brethren .hard to love fellowship when you eschew crowds .I get the introvert thing as I am one but to the extreme I am is a bit much