[__ Prayer __] taunting, dealing with it :-)

[Christ_empowered]

yes, indeed...it is me, yet again.

yup. taunting. lol. its just...well, waxes and wanes, all that. one thing: I moved to my hometown area (southern cluster of small towns, small cities, a few tiny communities....) 10 years ago. I got saved over 9 years ago, facing -serious- legal trouble. walked with a (to me, miraculous) plea deal, did 3 years of probation without incident...

and now, I've been -off of probation- and had -0- criminal/legal junk (just a seat belt violation) since my arrest, over 9 years. so...God is Good! God is merciful! and...my (loving, long suffering, hardworking) parents are awesome, too.

I crashed my vehicle a couple of months ago. Not on drugs or anything, just...swerved on a very curvy, hilly road, and...yeah. vehicle was -totaled- , but I walked away with just a scratch on my hand. Good insurance, COVID has affected payouts in odd and unexpected ways, so...

the (prompt!) insurance pay out was enough for me to get my very, very, very 1st truly new car. again: God -is- Good and merciful. My parents -are- , in fact, amazing human beings. so...

yeah. just getting that out there, to "set the scene" for my latest prayer request. OK...

I went to a discount chain grocery store today. no big shakes....clearly, I eat, so its kind of a given that I need to get food, somehow. Plus, I've got a big can of pumpkin left over from Thanksgiving and I don't want to do a pie, so....baking project. I'll see how it goes. moving on...

yeah, the barely under the breath comments and hard glares at me and into my cart have ramped up over the past several weeks, maybe months? By His grace, I deal with it much, much, much better. --nothing-- is coming (or has come) my way that is not common to humanity, as a whole. This is true of all of us, believers...no matter what sort of friction and junk the world, the enemy, and just...life...throws our way (personal sins are a factor, too...I don't know what to file that under, or if that is its own file?).

paid for groceries, rolled out, started putting my goods into my reusable bag near my car. reasonably well dressed...not flashy (LOL), but somewhere between Target and Kohl's, plus "good shoes" (not fancy, not flashy, just...especially in the south, be sure to invest in socially acceptable footwear...trust me on this one....). OK. So...

as I was almost finished putting my groceries into my big, reusable bag...a couple a ways off, in another part of the parking lot, started yelling out -about- me. it was the man, mostly. I think maybe the woman tried to calm him down? He yelled out "I don't care if he hears me" and then "what is he doing looking over here?" (I didn't know what was going on, actually...that's probably the loudest, most obnoxious incident I've dealt with -ever- at that store...caught me off guard...), and then...

yeah. I mean, what to do? also: Praise Jesus Christ for bringing me -so- far, in Him. "...perfect love casteth out -all- fear...," amen. OK, so I returned my cart, got in my (modest, not living large, but...new, 1st new car ever...thankful and trying to -not- let all the junk around me lose my appreciation for The Lord's love and mercy and my parents' compassion...), and...

yeah. yeah. Move? I have moved. did I mention that I was driven out of the dorms at a state school (different part of the state), age 17? and apparently the "mental health professionals" I was dealing with way back when (age 19 to 21 or so...) wouldn't "permit me" to take college-level classes...but they didn't tell me that, nor did they tell my parents. No lie, my psych records (thankfully, my parents hit the well to do level when I got in legal trouble for the last, last, last time) indicate that a big part of "treatment" involved making me "more manageable" and "compliant," and also "punishing me" if I talked in class or even took classes. what fun, right? right....

rambling. so, yeah. Oh, and I lived out of state, briefly. creepy, but true, little memory: one day, I was at my nothing fancy, but modest and safe enough apartment, looking around. my little back patio area looked out on a big road, and...

I saw a vehicle -- neither old nor new, like so many other vehicles on the road, anywhere USA -- drive by. I wasn't living super far away, but it was a different world, socially and culturally. and...as the car drove by, I saw a bumper sticker...

for a team local to my general hometown area. I felt...well, at the moment, I felt like my bubble of peace and escape had officially been popped, right then and there. That was literally the -1- time I saw a vehicle with a bumper sticker for that team in that area. and...

yeah. 2, 3 months before my lease was up...management person wouldn't take calls about renewing. I tried to get a part time job as a janitor, nothing doing. went to a local baptist church a couple times...overheard some things, and...yeah. "wherever you go, there you are."

rambling, per usual. I think I may be better here -- especially since family own this place and were able to buy it without a mortgage -- than I would be anywhere else, honestly. Legally, I should be in the clear...no felonies (just a single, serious, "Class A" misdemeanor...not ideal, but borderline miraculous, all things considered....), but...

obviously, there are -other- ways to control pariahs, outsiders, outcasts, etc. Here, at least, people openly yell about "they need to have him put in the -state hospital- !," but the mix of this state's approach to "severe mental illness" and the actual, rubber hits the road practices, combine to equal...

an uneasy (at times) sort of freedom. no arrests, not even a traffic ticket, in a bit over 9 years, now. just the 1, plea bargain conviction. only child of upper middle class, maybe well to do(ish) parents. healthy, relatively low psych drug prescriptions....

so, yeah. By His grace, I have freedom in Christ that has resulted in freedom -- increasingly marked by social rejection and tension -- in my little corner of a hostile, often cruel, fallen world. "He whom The Son has set free is set free, indeed." Thank God for His love and mercy.

OK. yeah...yeah...per usual, a mix of venting and just...yeah. I don't have a sense of outright panic or anything, its just...worrisome, I suppose? I don't really -know- many people, yet I seem to be -known- by people, and that's...troubling, in and of itself.

Thanks, as always.

 

[Edward]

yes, indeed...it is me, yet again.

yup. taunting. lol. its just...well, waxes and wanes, all that. one thing: I moved to my hometown area (southern cluster of small towns, small cities, a few tiny communities....) 10 years ago. I got saved over 9 years ago, facing -serious- legal trouble. walked with a (to me, miraculous) plea deal, did 3 years of probation without incident...

and now, I've been -off of probation- and had -0- criminal/legal junk (just a seat belt violation) since my arrest, over 9 years. so...God is Good! God is merciful! and...my (loving, long suffering, hardworking) parents are awesome, too.

I crashed my vehicle a couple of months ago. Not on drugs or anything, just...swerved on a very curvy, hilly road, and...yeah. vehicle was -totaled- , but I walked away with just a scratch on my hand. Good insurance, COVID has affected payouts in odd and unexpected ways, so...

the (prompt!) insurance pay out was enough for me to get my very, very, very 1st truly new car. again: God -is- Good and merciful. My parents -are- , in fact, amazing human beings. so...

yeah. just getting that out there, to "set the scene" for my latest prayer request. OK...

I went to a discount chain grocery store today. no big shakes....clearly, I eat, so its kind of a given that I need to get food, somehow. Plus, I've got a big can of pumpkin left over from Thanksgiving and I don't want to do a pie, so....baking project. I'll see how it goes. moving on...

yeah, the barely under the breath comments and hard glares at me and into my cart have ramped up over the past several weeks, maybe months? By His grace, I deal with it much, much, much better. --nothing-- is coming (or has come) my way that is not common to humanity, as a whole. This is true of all of us, believers...no matter what sort of friction and junk the world, the enemy, and just...life...throws our way (personal sins are a factor, too...I don't know what to file that under, or if that is its own file?).

paid for groceries, rolled out, started putting my goods into my reusable bag near my car. reasonably well dressed...not flashy (LOL), but somewhere between Target and Kohl's, plus "good shoes" (not fancy, not flashy, just...especially in the south, be sure to invest in socially acceptable footwear...trust me on this one....). OK. So...

as I was almost finished putting my groceries into my big, reusable bag...a couple a ways off, in another part of the parking lot, started yelling out -about- me. it was the man, mostly. I think maybe the woman tried to calm him down? He yelled out "I don't care if he hears me" and then "what is he doing looking over here?" (I didn't know what was going on, actually...that's probably the loudest, most obnoxious incident I've dealt with -ever- at that store...caught me off guard...), and then...

yeah. I mean, what to do? also: Praise Jesus Christ for bringing me -so- far, in Him. "...perfect love casteth out -all- fear...," amen. OK, so I returned my cart, got in my (modest, not living large, but...new, 1st new car ever...thankful and trying to -not- let all the junk around me lose my appreciation for The Lord's love and mercy and my parents' compassion...), and...

yeah. yeah. Move? I have moved. did I mention that I was driven out of the dorms at a state school (different part of the state), age 17? and apparently the "mental health professionals" I was dealing with way back when (age 19 to 21 or so...) wouldn't "permit me" to take college-level classes...but they didn't tell me that, nor did they tell my parents. No lie, my psych records (thankfully, my parents hit the well to do level when I got in legal trouble for the last, last, last time) indicate that a big part of "treatment" involved making me "more manageable" and "compliant," and also "punishing me" if I talked in class or even took classes. what fun, right? right....

rambling. so, yeah. Oh, and I lived out of state, briefly. creepy, but true, little memory: one day, I was at my nothing fancy, but modest and safe enough apartment, looking around. my little back patio area looked out on a big road, and...

I saw a vehicle -- neither old nor new, like so many other vehicles on the road, anywhere USA -- drive by. I wasn't living super far away, but it was a different world, socially and culturally. and...as the car drove by, I saw a bumper sticker...

for a team local to my general hometown area. I felt...well, at the moment, I felt like my bubble of peace and escape had officially been popped, right then and there. That was literally the -1- time I saw a vehicle with a bumper sticker for that team in that area. and...

yeah. 2, 3 months before my lease was up...management person wouldn't take calls about renewing. I tried to get a part time job as a janitor, nothing doing. went to a local baptist church a couple times...overheard some things, and...yeah. "wherever you go, there you are."

rambling, per usual. I think I may be better here -- especially since family own this place and were able to buy it without a mortgage -- than I would be anywhere else, honestly. Legally, I should be in the clear...no felonies (just a single, serious, "Class A" misdemeanor...not ideal, but borderline miraculous, all things considered....), but...

obviously, there are -other- ways to control pariahs, outsiders, outcasts, etc. Here, at least, people openly yell about "they need to have him put in the -state hospital- !," but the mix of this state's approach to "severe mental illness" and the actual, rubber hits the road practices, combine to equal...

an uneasy (at times) sort of freedom. no arrests, not even a traffic ticket, in a bit over 9 years, now. just the 1, plea bargain conviction. only child of upper middle class, maybe well to do(ish) parents. healthy, relatively low psych drug prescriptions....

so, yeah. By His grace, I have freedom in Christ that has resulted in freedom -- increasingly marked by social rejection and tension -- in my little corner of a hostile, often cruel, fallen world. "He whom The Son has set free is set free, indeed." Thank God for His love and mercy.

OK. yeah...yeah...per usual, a mix of venting and just...yeah. I don't have a sense of outright panic or anything, its just...worrisome, I suppose? I don't really -know- many people, yet I seem to be -known- by people, and that's...troubling, in and of itself.

Thanks, as always.

Sounds like you're Blessed, Brother. Praise the Lord!

Don't forget to Praise the Lord when you hassled or taunted around town. That's just the Lord allowing that to teach you something. Each one is a test of some sort. So try to pass them, and remember He didn't give you a spirit of fear.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, yet again, Edward . That's...the best, most Biblically-sound advice for dealing with all this jibber jabber I've gotten yet.

OK. So...in Christ, life -- my real life, in Christ -- goes on, day by uneventful (in a -good- way...quiet, peaceful, safe and sane...) day. good times...

The mind games and such seem to me...now...to reek of "mental health professional" involvement. And...now that The Lord has seen fit to return -some- memories of my existence, pre-shock "treatments" (mine weren't voluntary, not that my brain knew the difference...FYI: high voltage electricity is -not- good for the brain or body, nor is is "therapeutic," at all...), I'm kind of thinking...

it's been going on most of my life. Not because of some super secret plot (LOL), just..."the way the world works," I think. low(er) status kids are targeted. trouble in school, suspension, juvenile detention...not me. For me, it was labels -- the big one, I think, was "oppositional defiant disorder" (ODD) -- and "behavior modification" instead of...education. lol.

Thing is, it happens. What's creepy -- to me, anyway -- in my life back then, before Christ...is how secretive, covert it was. No one said "you have been diagnosed with ODD," but I was taunted (even by teachers!) and such in the name of "behavior modification." truth? omg, school made my life -miserable- from 10 or 11 till I managed to get out of HS a bit early, at age 16. I also did not discover the labels and such until I was well into adulthood, and then its kinda like...yeah, its all lies and control, anyway. ugh. what a waste.

yeah, so...I mention that because...I'm better able to deal with things by His grace, and its also becoming clear...mind games and bullying and intimidation tactics straight from "the pros" seem to be how I've -always- been "handled," in this area. I don't get it. on the plus side...

a bit over 9 years into knowing Jesus, I have been made: healthy, surprisingly smart, "...of sound mind...," and increasingly...amazingly...miraculously...--normal-- ! leave it to the mental health industry to twist and contort people, contributing to all sorts of problems...

and then lie and label and destroy, on and on and on. -ugh- satanic man, I'm telling you.

rambling...I think, once again, people have decided that I need to live somewhere...else. Driven out of the dorms at 17, driven out of a college town early 20s, driven out of my hometown 4 years ago, before my parents got me this place in a nearby small city...

so, frustrating. -to the max- at times. But at least I "get it," I suppose. Plus, in Christ...

I don't -have- to play by their rules. Law abiding, healthy, no drugs or drink, close to my (long suffering, loving, kind) parents and provided with what I need + a tad extra, which is to say...neither poverty (which is rough, especially with stigma and labels), nor riches (which...I highly doubt were ever or will ever be in the cards, anyway...not a problem I think I will -ever- have to deal with, lol). and so...

God -is- Good. I -am- mightily blessed. Thanks to Jesus Christ, I have been increasingly "...transformed, by the renewal of your (my!) mind...," less and less "...conformed, unto the ways of this world...," and so...

what to do, now? Now that I've been made healthy and normal and such, I think "well...work?!?!," but that's looking less and less like a real, viable option. even if I did somehow manage to get some kind of certificate or 2 year thing, I'm so labeled and such...

why bother, from the employers' perspective? other potential employees out there, younger, no labels or stigma, same costs to them...see ya. ugh. the world waits for no one, it seems.

but its OK. I mean..."play the hand you're dealt," with 2, 3 servings of "count your blessings," of course.

ok. thanks, yet again.

 

[Edward]

In scrpture it seems like almost everywhere that Jesus, demons would start manifesting, remember?

Now check me on this, you are, in Christ, and Christ is in you. And there you go, la de da down the street, and what happens? People start minifest demons around you! Perhaps they can sense the Lord's presence with you? So start manifesting. Or maybe they can see that very tall Angel standing behind you?!

They start getting nervous and talking crap. When it happens again, you might want to look around and see if Jesus is near! He did say that He would never leave you or forsake you...

So don't be scared of them but be looking for Jesus! (I would!)

 

[Christ_empowered]

awesome. I mean that, truly. no, really. as in...

the creepy, oppressive junk and jibber jabber is...an issue. I mean, even now I try to think (too often, I admit) in worldly terms, as in: who are these people? this is a small city, but...its still a -city- , right? right...

and now, at 37, I'm healthy and normal and...that's a lot of it, isn't it? Because...in and of the world, on the broad road..I most definitely -was not- healthy and normal. my own sins, self, plus satan and the world...

combined to create a ridiculously wretched individual, for a season. thankfully, Jesus spared me and people around me, too, and...

yeah. yeah. Praise Jesus! people? pshaw. not so much. :-(

sorry to ramble. its just...over time, The Lord has brought more and more peace to me, about the whole situation and...OK, so He spared me, even when I would otherwise have been dead (no, really...not trying to be dramatic, just...crazy world out there, kids...), and...

sad thing? I get the sense that the world, as a whole, can be OK with weaklings, even weaklings who "get religion" (I guess that would be my phase of having "...a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof....," until Jesus intervened...), and...

yeah. yeah. "being a Christian" is actually -not- such a big deal, especially in my supposedly "evangelical" section of the bible belt...

but hearing and responding to The Good News, and then being set free by Jesus, Himself? --never-- sits well with people in the world it seems, no matter one's zip code.

not that I'm "better" than anyone, just..."in the world, but not of it...," like all believers. part of the "...peculiar people, set aside for a purpose..."

ugh. it isn't that my past wasn't horrible and all...it was, truly. I was an unrepentant, lost sinner. OK. but...over 9 years ago, Jesus moved on my heart and I got -truly- saved. And now...

the ridicule and laughter seems to have turned to bullying and taunts and acts of aggression, of varying intensity...from people I do.not.know . I mean, I have a fairly bare bones social life -and- I keep a low profile, so...??? whaaa???


but that's neither here nor there. the evil one is real (truly) and he "...roams the earth like a lion, seeking whom he may devour...," -eek- thing is...

-sigh- I'm glad I can come here and get prayers and replies, etc. seriously. my former older/elderly Pentecostal friend...I dunno. I mean...I think it was pity, and then God started moving mightily in my life, and...???? -shrug- to be fair, huge age gap and...honestly, even if we're both genuinely in Christ and truly born again, when God changes someone mightily, its kinda like...well, there's no need to feel sorry for him now and/or...???

yeah. she'd talk a lot about satan, and to be honest...it was fairly standard Pentecostal stuff, but it seems kind of dangerous now, because...a bad day, even things like traffic accidents and such...not necessarily of the evil one. personal sins, fallen world...Jesus warns us about facing troubles in this fallen world. OK.

but creepy, ominous stuff like all that? nah, not so much. just the 1 conviction on my record, 9+ years of no arrests, nothing. no felonies, and...more talk of "prison" and "serve the warrant!" and "his parents -cannot- support him!" and "he needs prison time!" and "work detail would be good for him!" and...

yeah. yeah. its like...I moved home, 10 years ago...26 going on 27. patched up, thank goodness, but...done. I even had the beginnings of a smoker's cough (true story) and I only looked around my age, not crazy haggard and such, because of God's mercy and a helpful esthetician friend. Then, age 28, I got saved, and...

dropped the skin stuff (LOL), and all sorts of stuff, and now? now, the same stuff people were saying back then -- "federal prison" and "he's got warrants" and "they're through with him, time to put him away" and all that -- are happening, again...

but I'm 37 and truly healthy and much, much different, now...inside and out. I dunno. Its...I'll admit, when the "warrants" and "federal prison" talk ramps up, I get nervous. I mean, I -literally- could have died in jail, way back when (this just in: heavy psych drugs + untreated HIV + all sorts of other junk = absolute misery in 23 hour lockdown, age 23...-eek-...off the record, now, by the grace of God...), and...

the very -thought- of another run in with the legal system and all that junk...frightens me, to no end. not fun. the other factor? the -hatred- and the contempt, and the idea...that I -must- somehow be "put away" and/or "he got too old. put him away!," etc.

-eek- ok. ramble, ramble. eyes on Christ and Him, Crucified...

getting there, by His grace. please pray for my parents and me.

 

[Edward]

but hearing and responding to The Good News, and then being set free by Jesus, Himself? --never-- sits well with people in the world it seems, no matter one's zip code.

That's correct. Did you expect something else? It says in scripture, when you side with ME the world will hate you. If you want friends in the world then one would have to turn His back on Jesus. One can not serve two Masters.

So you being a Christian doesn't pull any weight with them? Of course not, they are in darkness. I bet getting saved was a big deal to you though!

Ok, you're saved and the old man has passed away. Now comes your turn to be tested of your faith in the desert and here you are. But you're blessed, Brother. It could be a lot worse for you than it is. Me too. That makes it easier to Praise the Lord when difficulties arise.

 

[Edward]

I was watching an Andrew Wommack video. I like him cuz he speaks my language. But a couple times while watching it I had the thought sounds like CE he's talking about. Like maybe how every time you step out your door, they crucify you and try to steal the Word from you. You just trying to run a race and their throwing rocks at you. Andrew explains some of that. Anyway, thought I'd share it with you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Yes. Yes, please. Thanks again, Edward .

I've read some of his material before. I like it, because he calls out so much of the established church for relying on the mental health industry in its various forms. I mean...its like this...after what the "helping professions" did to my family and me, I'm -not about- to run into some "Christian" church that leans on that jibber jabber.


OK. not to turn this into my journal/blog, yet again (LOL), but today was good, in ways that actually matter. Dropped in to see my parents. They were genuinely warm and happy to see me. I opted to do dinner at my own place tonight, so I called dad and let him know. Again: warm, kind, caring....and probably relieved, since this way they can do their own deal for dinner, and I can do mine. awesome.

Gratitude...remains a challenge. Not because of some "severe personality disorder" and/or "severe mental illness," but because...well, I couldn't even -volunteer- at a local non-profit without being heckled. ugh. -isolated- , deliberately...obviously, an attack of the evil one, working thru lots of broad road people, empowered by the (satanic) mental health industry labels and lies. happens. seriously, back in the day there was a whole movement..."the psychiatric survivor's movement..."

which is kind of helpful, now, because of the -form- spiritual warfare takes in my own life, but the "movement," as a whole, missed (and to the extent that it survives, continues to miss...) the "point," because...

not focused on Jesus. at all. oddly enough, a lot of the psych survivors, etc. seem to be stuck in that mode because they'll turn to anyone, anything but Jesus and The Good News. kind of like...

-sigh- everybody else on the broad road, I suppose. -and now I know-

trying to be grateful, even as I'm taunted and such. no one seems to want to 'put up' with me, and its getting worse. nothing violent or anything, just...OK, the other day I randomly wanted coffee. Thought: starbucks, over-priced, but...they have more flavors than Dunkin, and their people tend to be less surly. OK. and...

yeah, nothing major, just...not welcome there, either (I still tipped a bit, though...kill 'em with kindness, lol...), and...

small, small order at Target, drive up. turns out, they have vitamin C tablets for way, way less than my online vitamin store (which has good prices on everything else...weird, huh?), and plus...iced coffee. so...

again, surly attendant. snarky comments here and there. I would say "the way the world works," because of all the prior junk in my existence, but...

yeah, by His grace...never been committed, never been to prison, no felonies, so...

"He whom the Son has set free is set free, indeed...." and also "there is now, then, no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus..."

life in Christ goes on, thanks to Christ...day by day...

maybe hearing The Good News, responding to The Good News, and...just, in general, a Christian life...

can be kind of lonely and isolating, at times? -sigh- God -is- Good. My parents are kind to me because of His work in our lives. and...

gratitude. by His grace, developing more genuine gratitude...and also a better, more complete understanding of how "The world works," or at least...

how my little corner of a fallen world works, even as I seem to be a permanent outcast loved by Jesus and my (loving, kind, long suffering) parents.

so, that's about it. Seriously, thanks, as always.

 

[Marianne333]

yes, indeed...it is me, yet again.

yup. taunting. lol. its just...well, waxes and wanes, all that. one thing: I moved to my hometown area (southern cluster of small towns, small cities, a few tiny communities....) 10 years ago. I got saved over 9 years ago, facing -serious- legal trouble. walked with a (to me, miraculous) plea deal, did 3 years of probation without incident...

and now, I've been -off of probation- and had -0- criminal/legal junk (just a seat belt violation) since my arrest, over 9 years. so...God is Good! God is merciful! and...my (loving, long suffering, hardworking) parents are awesome, too.

I crashed my vehicle a couple of months ago. Not on drugs or anything, just...swerved on a very curvy, hilly road, and...yeah. vehicle was -totaled- , but I walked away with just a scratch on my hand. Good insurance, COVID has affected payouts in odd and unexpected ways, so...

the (prompt!) insurance pay out was enough for me to get my very, very, very 1st truly new car. again: God -is- Good and merciful. My parents -are- , in fact, amazing human beings. so...

yeah. just getting that out there, to "set the scene" for my latest prayer request. OK...

I went to a discount chain grocery store today. no big shakes....clearly, I eat, so its kind of a given that I need to get food, somehow. Plus, I've got a big can of pumpkin left over from Thanksgiving and I don't want to do a pie, so....baking project. I'll see how it goes. moving on...

yeah, the barely under the breath comments and hard glares at me and into my cart have ramped up over the past several weeks, maybe months? By His grace, I deal with it much, much, much better. --nothing-- is coming (or has come) my way that is not common to humanity, as a whole. This is true of all of us, believers...no matter what sort of friction and junk the world, the enemy, and just...life...throws our way (personal sins are a factor, too...I don't know what to file that under, or if that is its own file?).

paid for groceries, rolled out, started putting my goods into my reusable bag near my car. reasonably well dressed...not flashy (LOL), but somewhere between Target and Kohl's, plus "good shoes" (not fancy, not flashy, just...especially in the south, be sure to invest in socially acceptable footwear...trust me on this one....). OK. So...

as I was almost finished putting my groceries into my big, reusable bag...a couple a ways off, in another part of the parking lot, started yelling out -about- me. it was the man, mostly. I think maybe the woman tried to calm him down? He yelled out "I don't care if he hears me" and then "what is he doing looking over here?" (I didn't know what was going on, actually...that's probably the loudest, most obnoxious incident I've dealt with -ever- at that store...caught me off guard...), and then...

yeah. I mean, what to do? also: Praise Jesus Christ for bringing me -so- far, in Him. "...perfect love casteth out -all- fear...," amen. OK, so I returned my cart, got in my (modest, not living large, but...new, 1st new car ever...thankful and trying to -not- let all the junk around me lose my appreciation for The Lord's love and mercy and my parents' compassion...), and...

yeah. yeah. Move? I have moved. did I mention that I was driven out of the dorms at a state school (different part of the state), age 17? and apparently the "mental health professionals" I was dealing with way back when (age 19 to 21 or so...) wouldn't "permit me" to take college-level classes...but they didn't tell me that, nor did they tell my parents. No lie, my psych records (thankfully, my parents hit the well to do level when I got in legal trouble for the last, last, last time) indicate that a big part of "treatment" involved making me "more manageable" and "compliant," and also "punishing me" if I talked in class or even took classes. what fun, right? right....

rambling. so, yeah. Oh, and I lived out of state, briefly. creepy, but true, little memory: one day, I was at my nothing fancy, but modest and safe enough apartment, looking around. my little back patio area looked out on a big road, and...

I saw a vehicle -- neither old nor new, like so many other vehicles on the road, anywhere USA -- drive by. I wasn't living super far away, but it was a different world, socially and culturally. and...as the car drove by, I saw a bumper sticker...

for a team local to my general hometown area. I felt...well, at the moment, I felt like my bubble of peace and escape had officially been popped, right then and there. That was literally the -1- time I saw a vehicle with a bumper sticker for that team in that area. and...

yeah. 2, 3 months before my lease was up...management person wouldn't take calls about renewing. I tried to get a part time job as a janitor, nothing doing. went to a local baptist church a couple times...overheard some things, and...yeah. "wherever you go, there you are."

rambling, per usual. I think I may be better here -- especially since family own this place and were able to buy it without a mortgage -- than I would be anywhere else, honestly. Legally, I should be in the clear...no felonies (just a single, serious, "Class A" misdemeanor...not ideal, but borderline miraculous, all things considered....), but...

obviously, there are -other- ways to control pariahs, outsiders, outcasts, etc. Here, at least, people openly yell about "they need to have him put in the -state hospital- !," but the mix of this state's approach to "severe mental illness" and the actual, rubber hits the road practices, combine to equal...

an uneasy (at times) sort of freedom. no arrests, not even a traffic ticket, in a bit over 9 years, now. just the 1, plea bargain conviction. only child of upper middle class, maybe well to do(ish) parents. healthy, relatively low psych drug prescriptions....

so, yeah. By His grace, I have freedom in Christ that has resulted in freedom -- increasingly marked by social rejection and tension -- in my little corner of a hostile, often cruel, fallen world. "He whom The Son has set free is set free, indeed." Thank God for His love and mercy.

OK. yeah...yeah...per usual, a mix of venting and just...yeah. I don't have a sense of outright panic or anything, its just...worrisome, I suppose? I don't really -know- many people, yet I seem to be -known- by people, and that's...troubling, in and of itself.

Thanks, as always.

Praying for you.