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[__ Prayer __] taunting, status

Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

Member
I gotta toughen up. I think one reason I was so easy to pick on was my obvious lack of lucidity, lol.

I was just outside, and some dudes were picking on me. Big deal, I realize that now. I didn't react or anything, just finished the cigarette and went inside.

Bullies. The world is full of them, amiright? Plus, I'm not just low-status here; I'm slathered in stigma. Schizophrenic, "passed around f@ggot," etc. etc. etc. Some of it is because of personal sin in my late teens, and some of it is stuff that happened after rounds 1 and 2 of involuntary shock "treatments." It is what it is...I realize --now-- that the world is a harsh, unforgiving place. Not just for me, not just in this zip code; its the whole wide world.

I'm trying to give up analyzing the stuff. Truth is, the stuff that happened after the shock happened to a lot of "mental patients," especially back in the day, when shock and operations were so common. Its sad, really. You can read these stories of people who were destroyed by psychiatrists and then further annihilated by the world upon release from hospitals and such. --sigh-- some things never change, I suppose.

But, you know what? A lot of those people never recovered. Not that I'm better than them or whatever--far from it--but at least I've been blessed with good health, lucidity, normalcy, a great family, and forgiveness (above all else). Jesus saves....why not me? The way I see it, there's plenty of "victims of psychiatry" all over the place. Why not save some here and there?

But, yeah: the taunting. Its rough. Part of my problem now is that I'm kind of creeped out. I mean, I get it; people don't like me, the shrinks consider me a "trouble maker," so my info. has mysteriously gotten spread around, blah blah blah. This has happened to countless other "mental patients," especially those of us who are particularly low-status and/or "uppity."

But the other day, I was trying to sleep in, and they woke me up, 8.15, yelling. My car went thru 4 or 5 flat tires in a row, nails embedded in the tires. I didn't wanna sound paranoid to my dad, so I didn't say anything, but...yeah. I have suspicions.

Anyway, people in this neighborhood seem to be home a lot, and they seem to have a lot of things to say about me, to me, etc. etc. etc. I get that I'm not wanted here, but I think there comes a point at which people should chill out, simmer down, and leave me alone. Of course, I'm "Schizophrenic," so what do I know? (note the sarcasm).

there's a lot going on here...gay bashing, mental illness stigma, social class issues, people 'round here being a little too obsessed with "keeping that f@ggot in line," etc. etc. etc. I have to live with my people for a while yet, I think. I'm --safe-- here. At the little apt. over a garage I was living in before I moved back in here, some dude across the street yelled out that "somebody's gonna shoot that f@ggot," so I was outta there, asap. My parents sold the place recently, Praise God (!!!).

I'm rambling. I am frustrated, of course. I'm now more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus, not a "victim of (poor life choices, personal sin, the gays, psychiatry, sin+satan+self+the world, etc.)," but I do wonder about my future. I have some angry former shrinks who seem to want me to "know my place in society," etc., and they've brought the hammer down more than once. Now, my people "have money," as I keep hearing people say, so I have a buffer. Its not all about $$$, but realistically: if my people were still what one set of neighbors called "rinky dink middle-class," I'd be locked up somewhere terrible, no escape, probably dead. Boom. You're done now. Better luck next time.

But, my upwardly mobile people have hit the "genteel" level of society, so I'm in their house, recently successfully off (misdemeanor) probation, wearing good clothes+shoes (its the south; the 1st thing people look at is the shoes...), and becoming more and more who I really am in Christ Jesus.

Ugh. I've rambled quite enough. Please pray for my family and me, especially our safety. I also Praise God (!!!!) for His goodness because, rough as things can be at times, I haven't been beat up, arrested, jailed, etc. I'm not living in what I would consider "real" poverty. Nothing wrong with being poor, but if I lived in bona fide poverty around here, I'd probably be suffering torment like...well, like what a lot of people, especially "mental patients," go thru. I don't know if its worse in The South or if people are just more blunt about it, or...yeah. I don't know. But this is where I am, and it gets rough, and sometimes a lil bit scary.

Finished, for now. Thanks. :)
 
thanks, eugene. I didn't sleep so well last nite, so my mind reverted to Sociology 101, when I should have focused on Christ. :-( I'm learning, I promise.

On the plus side, I've grown up a lot, which was probably never going to happen, barring serious miracles from God Himself. I'm hoping+praying people in the neighborhood either mellow out or get out, but in the meantime, I've got to learn to deal with grace enough to show Christ now and then.
 
Christ_empowered said:
Truth is, the stuff that happened after the shock happened to a lot of "mental patients," especially back in the day, when shock and operations were so common. Its sad, really. You can read these stories of people who were destroyed by psychiatrists and then further annihilated by the world upon release from hospitals and such. --sigh-- some things never change, I suppose.
Click to expand...
You are right of coarse, and some of them never got to come home ever, such as Rosemary Kennedy the sister of President Kennedy. Very sad. You probably know what happened to her.
I really like how Eugene worded that He is, standing in the fire with you.
Your bravery is commendable, sometimes I have not done as well as you are, comparing all things.
Be Bless CE, Jesus loves you so much. :hug
 
thanks, deborah.

Its crazy...to realize how annihilated I was, before Jesus saved me and then moved mightily in my life. That's what's so strange about heavy-handed, involuntary shock; it erases your life, your personality, etc., and I didn't even realize it until The Lord returned some memories to me (huge blessing right there, btw).

Now, I'm stuck with these horrible psych records (mine contain inaccuracies and straight up lies, btw) that will, in all likelihood, outlive me. Psych records are almost never destroyed. Its...crazy.

So, now, I take prescribed treatments for the foreseeable future, but I'm praying for a day when I can slowly, very very very slowly, taper off and just...call it a day. But psychiatry is so strange. If you say "I'm better now, see you later!," they'll put you in a hospital and/or on involuntary treatment. "Lack of insight," etc.

Rambling...

I've read horror stories, especially about women who were lobotomized and then sent out into the community back in the day. And...almost nobody cared. So what? I don't know that much has changed, really. Psychiatry's answer is still mostly to subtract from people, break people, control people, label people, define people. My former shrinks took things I didn't even know I had, before I was even old enough to buy alcohol legally.

Now, my people are considered upper-class/"genteel"/well-to-do for around here. For me, that means they --can-- protect me from a hostile community, including shrinks who would destroy me all over again, given the opportunity. Such is the life of a "trouble maker," it seems.

God is good, in the midst of it all. That much is certain. hard as things can be at times, I'm an exception to the way things often go. I live in freedom+safety with my people. I'm not in a group home or hospital or living in real poverty, with no escape. I'm healthy and remarkably normal.

In some states, if your parents don't go along with the "experts," a court will appoint a guardian who will run your life. That's "therapeutic," apparently.

I dunno. Sometimes, I'm scared that if I try to move to another state, I'll find myself committed. some states make it extra easy to lock up low status people in a hospital, at least for a while...

Ugh. Its not all doom-and-gloom, obviously. My parents love me. I'm safe and comfortable. Christ loves me, and He's seen fit to make that love apparent in the here-and-now, which is --huge-- for me and for my family, too.

Thanks for your prayers. :)
 
Christ_empowered said:
I gotta toughen up. I think one reason I was so easy to pick on was my obvious lack of lucidity, lol.

I was just outside, and some dudes were picking on me. Big deal, I realize that now. I didn't react or anything, just finished the cigarette and went inside.

Bullies. The world is full of them, amiright? Plus, I'm not just low-status here; I'm slathered in stigma. Schizophrenic, "passed around f@ggot," etc. etc. etc. Some of it is because of personal sin in my late teens, and some of it is stuff that happened after rounds 1 and 2 of involuntary shock "treatments." It is what it is...I realize --now-- that the world is a harsh, unforgiving place. Not just for me, not just in this zip code; its the whole wide world.

I'm trying to give up analyzing the stuff. Truth is, the stuff that happened after the shock happened to a lot of "mental patients," especially back in the day, when shock and operations were so common. Its sad, really. You can read these stories of people who were destroyed by psychiatrists and then further annihilated by the world upon release from hospitals and such. --sigh-- some things never change, I suppose.

But, you know what? A lot of those people never recovered. Not that I'm better than them or whatever--far from it--but at least I've been blessed with good health, lucidity, normalcy, a great family, and forgiveness (above all else). Jesus saves....why not me? The way I see it, there's plenty of "victims of psychiatry" all over the place. Why not save some here and there?

But, yeah: the taunting. Its rough. Part of my problem now is that I'm kind of creeped out. I mean, I get it; people don't like me, the shrinks consider me a "trouble maker," so my info. has mysteriously gotten spread around, blah blah blah. This has happened to countless other "mental patients," especially those of us who are particularly low-status and/or "uppity."

But the other day, I was trying to sleep in, and they woke me up, 8.15, yelling. My car went thru 4 or 5 flat tires in a row, nails embedded in the tires. I didn't wanna sound paranoid to my dad, so I didn't say anything, but...yeah. I have suspicions.

Anyway, people in this neighborhood seem to be home a lot, and they seem to have a lot of things to say about me, to me, etc. etc. etc. I get that I'm not wanted here, but I think there comes a point at which people should chill out, simmer down, and leave me alone. Of course, I'm "Schizophrenic," so what do I know? (note the sarcasm).

there's a lot going on here...gay bashing, mental illness stigma, social class issues, people 'round here being a little too obsessed with "keeping that f@ggot in line," etc. etc. etc. I have to live with my people for a while yet, I think. I'm --safe-- here. At the little apt. over a garage I was living in before I moved back in here, some dude across the street yelled out that "somebody's gonna shoot that f@ggot," so I was outta there, asap. My parents sold the place recently, Praise God (!!!).

I'm rambling. I am frustrated, of course. I'm now more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus, not a "victim of (poor life choices, personal sin, the gays, psychiatry, sin+satan+self+the world, etc.)," but I do wonder about my future. I have some angry former shrinks who seem to want me to "know my place in society," etc., and they've brought the hammer down more than once. Now, my people "have money," as I keep hearing people say, so I have a buffer. Its not all about $$$, but realistically: if my people were still what one set of neighbors called "rinky dink middle-class," I'd be locked up somewhere terrible, no escape, probably dead. Boom. You're done now. Better luck next time.

But, my upwardly mobile people have hit the "genteel" level of society, so I'm in their house, recently successfully off (misdemeanor) probation, wearing good clothes+shoes (its the south; the 1st thing people look at is the shoes...), and becoming more and more who I really am in Christ Jesus.

Ugh. I've rambled quite enough. Please pray for my family and me, especially our safety. I also Praise God (!!!!) for His goodness because, rough as things can be at times, I haven't been beat up, arrested, jailed, etc. I'm not living in what I would consider "real" poverty. Nothing wrong with being poor, but if I lived in bona fide poverty around here, I'd probably be suffering torment like...well, like what a lot of people, especially "mental patients," go thru. I don't know if its worse in The South or if people are just more blunt about it, or...yeah. I don't know. But this is where I am, and it gets rough, and sometimes a lil bit scary.

Finished, for now. Thanks. :)
Click to expand...
I'm currently doing fasting. I'm praying for you.
 
hi. thanks. I hope the fasting goes well.

I just...don't...get it. I think I'm in this area to stay, until and unless my parents decide to move elsewhere. I'm 32. Mainstream American society looks decidedly harshly upon 32 year old men who live with their people. I'm labeled "severely mentally ill," so I get some a little more leeway, but...yeah. Thing is, its a huge blessing. My mother, in particular, is excited that we get to be a family after all these years of pain and separation. Speaking of "severe mental illness..." the psychiatrists helped drive us apart for a while there. Awesome profession, psychiatry.

I think I heard the new hire at Dunkin Donuts saying stuff about me at the drive thru. Never can tell. I'm an outcast, but I dress OK and have access to sufficient fund$ for some things. I'm "crazy," but my "people have money," so...yeah. Plus, its The South, and all kinds of weird rules I don't know and don't understand seem to come into play, and....--sigh--. It gets rough. And its so pointless, you know? As in...make my iced coffee, smile, gimme the receipt, I'm outta here. Fairly straightforward. Apparently...not how its gonna be.

You know what's rough? If you work in my position...OK, if --I-- were to land a job that would have me...I'd a) lose disability and b) face a whole new level of pressure and oppression in the community. True, that. And if you aim too high--like when I tried going back to a state school in another part of this state 9ish years ago--everybody clamps down: "there's no such thing as second chances." Ouch.

I'm rambling. What's amazing is that my life is --so-- much better than many other peoples' lives, especially many "mental patients" in America, because of Christ. Actually...I'm only alive because of Christ.

And the cruelty cuts across all groups of people. Its better, now that I'm healthy and normal looking and everything, than it was in years past, but...yeah. So-called "progressive, tolerant" people can be worse than traditional Southerners who can be better than "church people," on and on it goes...

But, hey; the big thing is "for me, or against me," right? Right. I find that Christians are kind(er) to me, even when we come from different backgrounds, view things differently, etc. Its actually the one big deciding factor, it seems. Aside from my parents, people who care and people are at least OK to me are....Christian. That's been the case ever since I landed in pentecostal rehab all those years ago.

OK. I think I'm finished, for now. :)
 
There are many unmarried offspring in their 30s living with their parents these days. Sometimes it's due to financial reasons for the parents; other times, it's the offspring who has financial concerns. Regardless, it's no longer as big of a deal as it used to be.

In your case, you're going to school online. This is a biggie when you look at the over-all picture. It wouldn't make financial sense for you to be on your own. True, now that you've completed probation, you could move to another state, rent an apartment, and finish your schooling. But financially, you couldn't do it on your own. So living with your parents makes total sense to me. It's quite logical and sound.

Where the disability payments are concerned, there is the return to work program (or something like that) that grants the monthly payments to continue as you earn money. Eventually, when you're making more money, the payments will start decreasing in amount until it's no longer needed because you're earning more than the payments. So it wouldn't be as though you take a job and the disability payments stop immediately.

You're going to do fine, my friend. Our Lord continues His plans with you!
 
me again. I'm simmering down. I gotta get mah sleep under control. More so than a lot of people, when my sleep gets erratic, --I-- get erratic. Lame.

Anyway, I have a good life now. God is good! Working is a goal, and it may be more do-able than I think. I just had horrible experiences in years past, that's all. I know, do it anyway (most of America does), but its rough, when you've got problems, plus there's stigma, plus...plus...plus...you get the picture.

My people are incredibly good to me. As I write this, I'm anxiously awaiting an email from the law firm my dad hired to handle my very --last-- run in with the legal system. He's keeping my dad posted on the progress of an expungement application, so...we shall see. Even if its expunged off standard background checks, it'll show on more intensive background checks (the ones you get finger printed for). that means that counseling, teaching, health care jobs...not an option. :-( But, hey; God is good! I have more freedom and more of an open future than most people who...were...who and what I was, before Christ saved me. Everybody's life has some sort of limitations.

Thanks again for all the replies and such, and please keep those prayers coming. :)
 
Christ_empowered said:
me again. I'm simmering down. I gotta get mah sleep under control. More so than a lot of people, when my sleep gets erratic, --I-- get erratic. Lame.

Anyway, I have a good life now. God is good! Working is a goal, and it may be more do-able than I think. I just had horrible experiences in years past, that's all. I know, do it anyway (most of America does), but its rough, when you've got problems, plus there's stigma, plus...plus...plus...you get the picture.

My people are incredibly good to me. As I write this, I'm anxiously awaiting an email from the law firm my dad hired to handle my very --last-- run in with the legal system. He's keeping my dad posted on the progress of an expungement application, so...we shall see. Even if its expunged off standard background checks, it'll show on more intensive background checks (the ones you get finger printed for). that means that counseling, teaching, health care jobs...not an option. :-( But, hey; God is good! I have more freedom and more of an open future than most people who...were...who and what I was, before Christ saved me. Everybody's life has some sort of limitations.

Thanks again for all the replies and such, and please keep those prayers coming. :)
Click to expand...
Trust me as I experienced this....God can open doors that we wouldn't expect.
 
me, yet again. Prayer works!

Both of my parents have warmed up to the new me, which is huge. I get the sense that they understand that I --need-- them, but I'm not trying to --use-- them. I think there's a huge difference.

I guess that taunting really doesn't amount to anything, does it? My parents have looked at houses now and then before, even recently. I don't think they'll be staying in this neighborhood too much longer. The house is --awesome-- ; it was a major fixer upper when they bought it (they had to spend $$$ just to bring it up to code, if that gives you any indication), and now its well-landscaped, the interior is great, etc. 20+ years of all kindsa hard work, and their house is great. Downside? I"m not the only one who's having probs in the neighborhood. That and the house value has gotten to the point where they can't expect to get much more out of it, should they sell, no matter what they put into it. All signs point to an eventual move...

Of course, I have to think about a life of my own, to whatever extent I'm capable. I dread living in real poverty. Nobody --likes-- poverty, but because these "professionals" around here wanted to "make an example" out of me back in the day, I'm not really eager to be alone+low-status+vulnerable again, if I can help it. For me, the problem isn't/wasn't just the lack of resources, because back then I was just some random early 20something with not very much $$$. Its about power, stigma, oppression, labels, control, etc. I've honestly never known absolute, real poverty, and it doesn't take that much $$$ to keep me going. The deal is...I don't want that level of oppression ever. again.

I'm blessed all over. The parents came in a lil late with a big ole bucket of Bojangles, which is so much better than KFC (yes, its the south, lol). My mama chatted me up for a minute, my dad's mellow and he talked a minute, too, and...I'm blessed. The Lord has changed me so, so much. I used to focus on the things like having enough intelligence to pursue my goals, being physically healthy, all that. Good stuff, that, but the big thing is: new creation in Christ Jesus.

I'm beginning to think that Christ's work in my life is what's driving a lot of the animosity people have towards me. People around here sometimes call me a "freak," because The Lord saw me through things that many people aren't fortunate enough to survive. Now, I'm thinking that a lot of these bad vibes are because The Lord has made me something of an exception to the way society usually works (He does that for people, it seems).

I guess...well, you can be tolerated as a "mental patient" if you march off the local hospital when people want you to, live in real poverty, stay over-medicated and glassy eyed, etc. But if you're healthy, smart, bright eyed, and get to stay out of the hospital (even/especially when the community wants you locked up either in the hospital or in jail...), then there's Trouble.

Which makes me wonder...OK, so the psychiatric --drugs-- help me, but do I really need psychiatry? I get the sense that back in the day, people like me would be put in state hospitals for along time just because of the community. That's not "medicine," that's social control. I don't think things are as bad here as in some other states (Georgia commits poor people left and right, even these days...), but it does seem that for a lot of low-status people, psychiatry is just a form of control. Get uppity, step out of line, forget your place in society, etc...back to the hospital.

Costs $$$, which is the other thing that bothers me, but then again...around here, the state doesn't wanna waste $$$ on better public schools, transportation, health care, etc., but they'll lavish $$$ on poor people...in jail. And prison. I guess forced hospitalizations and court-ordered "treatment" are important for the same reasons? I dunno...

I'm rambling. I am blessed. Today is another day I'm: free, safe, living in comfort+safety, at peace with my people, healthy, and successfully off probation (2 years early!). Its been another day in which I am --not-- stigmatized with a felony on my record, in which I had plenty of good food to eat (I even take high dose supplements, lol), and I had freedom to drive around, let my mind wander, write, start studying, etc. God is good!

What bothers me is that this is how people who are vulnerable, mentally ill, etc. should be live. Actually, scratch that; this is how more people in general should live. But the world is so harsh, and cold, and un-forgiving. You don't even have to make any major mistakes to end up labeled and low status. Some people start out that way. And if you --do-- make mistakes, well...God help you. Very few people will, that's for sure.

OK. I'm finished now (I think...). :)
 
Christ_empowered said:
me, yet again. Prayer works!

Both of my parents have warmed up to the new me, which is huge. I get the sense that they understand that I --need-- them, but I'm not trying to --use-- them. I think there's a huge difference.

I guess that taunting really doesn't amount to anything, does it? My parents have looked at houses now and then before, even recently. I don't think they'll be staying in this neighborhood too much longer. The house is --awesome-- ; it was a major fixer upper when they bought it (they had to spend $$$ just to bring it up to code, if that gives you any indication), and now its well-landscaped, the interior is great, etc. 20+ years of all kindsa hard work, and their house is great. Downside? I"m not the only one who's having probs in the neighborhood. That and the house value has gotten to the point where they can't expect to get much more out of it, should they sell, no matter what they put into it. All signs point to an eventual move...

Of course, I have to think about a life of my own, to whatever extent I'm capable. I dread living in real poverty. Nobody --likes-- poverty, but because these "professionals" around here wanted to "make an example" out of me back in the day, I'm not really eager to be alone+low-status+vulnerable again, if I can help it. For me, the problem isn't/wasn't just the lack of resources, because back then I was just some random early 20something with not very much $$$. Its about power, stigma, oppression, labels, control, etc. I've honestly never known absolute, real poverty, and it doesn't take that much $$$ to keep me going. The deal is...I don't want that level of oppression ever. again.

I'm blessed all over. The parents came in a lil late with a big ole bucket of Bojangles, which is so much better than KFC (yes, its the south, lol). My mama chatted me up for a minute, my dad's mellow and he talked a minute, too, and...I'm blessed. The Lord has changed me so, so much. I used to focus on the things like having enough intelligence to pursue my goals, being physically healthy, all that. Good stuff, that, but the big thing is: new creation in Christ Jesus.

I'm beginning to think that Christ's work in my life is what's driving a lot of the animosity people have towards me. People around here sometimes call me a "freak," because The Lord saw me through things that many people aren't fortunate enough to survive. Now, I'm thinking that a lot of these bad vibes are because The Lord has made me something of an exception to the way society usually works (He does that for people, it seems).

I guess...well, you can be tolerated as a "mental patient" if you march off the local hospital when people want you to, live in real poverty, stay over-medicated and glassy eyed, etc. But if you're healthy, smart, bright eyed, and get to stay out of the hospital (even/especially when the community wants you locked up either in the hospital or in jail...), then there's Trouble.

Which makes me wonder...OK, so the psychiatric --drugs-- help me, but do I really need psychiatry? I get the sense that back in the day, people like me would be put in state hospitals for along time just because of the community. That's not "medicine," that's social control. I don't think things are as bad here as in some other states (Georgia commits poor people left and right, even these days...), but it does seem that for a lot of low-status people, psychiatry is just a form of control. Get uppity, step out of line, forget your place in society, etc...back to the hospital.

Costs $$$, which is the other thing that bothers me, but then again...around here, the state doesn't wanna waste $$$ on better public schools, transportation, health care, etc., but they'll lavish $$$ on poor people...in jail. And prison. I guess forced hospitalizations and court-ordered "treatment" are important for the same reasons? I dunno...

I'm rambling. I am blessed. Today is another day I'm: free, safe, living in comfort+safety, at peace with my people, healthy, and successfully off probation (2 years early!). Its been another day in which I am --not-- stigmatized with a felony on my record, in which I had plenty of good food to eat (I even take high dose supplements, lol), and I had freedom to drive around, let my mind wander, write, start studying, etc. God is good!

What bothers me is that this is how people who are vulnerable, mentally ill, etc. should be live. Actually, scratch that; this is how more people in general should live. But the world is so harsh, and cold, and un-forgiving. You don't even have to make any major mistakes to end up labeled and low status. Some people start out that way. And if you --do-- make mistakes, well...God help you. Very few people will, that's for sure.

OK. I'm finished now (I think...). :)
Click to expand...
God knows your life...and he made you and planned your life accordingly. (to teach you something in life). Always be with God as he will never leave you once you accepted Christ.
 
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