Teen lying, poronography and secret online dating?

[jruner]

My son has outright lied to my wife and I about viewing pornography and having an online girlfriend for six months. He was also violent for part of that and then calmed down. I feel the computer should be gone! Wife does not. We do watch him on it when she allows it. He says that it really isn't a big deal he did not tell us he was dating and telling a person he loves them on the internet. Nor is pornography that bad and he just made a mistake about eight times.

We tried local churches, one ridiculed this teen and others for mourning another teen's death. The other has a pastor who has a teen with similar issues and thought he would cure this teen. Other than law enforcement and myself offering/demanding counseling or juvenile hall for violence that was successful only in getting him out of the house (until he said he would rather talk to me) we are really struggling with these issues.

Computers in public area and filters are not always enough sadly. Some of this, much of this started at places outside the home!

Thanks,

John

 

[reba]

Don't stop watching him.... listen to your heart/gut. You know removing the computer from the home wont help...

Some of this, much of this started at places outside the home!

This can grow watch him... for his sake and others.

 

[jruner]

Thanks, Reba

And it has grown and I just can not trust him to tell me how much. It started with friends cell phones when he was at public school and stupidly I thought home schooling would help at least to a degree. It protected others (bullies) from his anger issues but helping him is another matter. I feel a reel duty to protect his siblings and other from many negative behaviors. I am his warden, as he continues showing me I have no choice, but to watch him constantly.

 

[Mountainshield]

I'm sorry but I want to laugh at the online dating part. I met my wife over the internett, and she is the most religious, most pious and pure woman I have ever met. Perhaps you can clarify what you mean with online dating? Do you mean online prostition or something? If you are biased against online dating just because its online I have to take side with your son and conclude you are a irrational in this matter.

Viewing pornography online is an epidemic and ruining many kids. How old is your teen? Why don't you apply filter for it? So that he can't access online pornography? If its a PC then its your responsability it has the filters activated and that your son does not have admin rights to the system.

If he is violent is probably because he is depressed and have social issues with friends and maybe he is being ridiculed in school and uses violence as an outlet. I was very violent in my teenage years 13-18 years. I destroyed cars, started fights with random people, put fire to all sorts of things. What I can say from my own personal experience is that if you drive your son away, refuse to listen to what your son is actually saying, tries to work through juvenile halls or whatever you will only make it worse. Just show him love and say you will not accept his violent behavior in house, and that he needs to take the consequenses of his actions in public and should think about what he is doing to himself. Ask him where he wants to be in the future and try to guide him to towards a productive life. Also an idea is to spend more time with your son doing hobbies he likes even if you don't enjoy them yourself.

 

[Mike]

If you've actually caught your son viewing pornography 8 times, I would assumed those were not the only 8 times he viewed it. Even if it were, that would be a habit or addiction. I don't disagree with you that access from the internet should be removed, except when he needs it for school and is closely monitored. And that's hard to do if they're working on something for hours.

The best way for us to avoid temptation ourselves (after prayer) is to avoid situations that set us up to succumb to it. If I had a problem with obesity, I would want to avoid walking into McDonald's. If I had a problem with drinking alcohol in excess, I wouldn't go where it was being poured. If I had a problem with internet pornography that I couldn't fend off, I would have to remove my access to it. Your son is under your care. Until he is on his own and managing his life, he is your responsibility and should be subject to your rules. I believe it's a wise decision to remove internet access or even the computer, but you will need the internet, won't you? You all will need the computer for certain legitimate things, won't you?

I'm surprised your wife doesn't see a problem with his history of pornography, but I would say you need to take a stand. You need to privately discuss this with her so that she at least demonstrates to him that she supports your decision, and then you need to lock him out of access to the internet. Until he gains your trust, I believe this is responsible parenting.

I agree with Mountainshield with regard to the on-line dating. I've never done it, but I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with it. Unless there was a sinful aspect of it, I don't know why it would be wrong. His age is a factor, so you have to provide that detail. As I recall, our sons are about the same age, so is he about 17? If you forbade it, and he still do it, that's disobedience. But if it was never discussed, and it's not sinful in nature, what would be the problem?

Parenting is tough at times. We need to cover our children with prayer and have an open dialog with them about faith-related matters and problems they are having. I've prayed for you and your family.

 

[jruner]

Online dating is fine, yes. I met my wife through a classified ad after meeting many people in church who didn't believe in God, yet wanted to date me. For him it is not so simple with a major pattern of lying and also a history of encouraging teen girls to take promiscuous photos of themselves! This is a public school issue and I'm sure wider in our little town. He can not have any cell phones or photo devices because of this. As far as filters he gets around them and I don't know how. That is how come I insist on being physically present now and also continue to tell my wife he really does not deserve the internet with this much disobedience. The online girlfriend based on limited conversations with him, he is not very open, has also been lying about things like wanting to attend college with my son and not even knowing where the college is, but stating she already has been there. I really think my wife is overwhelmed by the "content" of his disobedience and in her own kind of denial.

We go do hobbies together and have been in 4H together. He seems almost emotionless a lot of the time. The medical community and counseling community discussed depression but said they would not give him medication even after saying he is probably bipolar. Just love the support I get on that front.

Prayer I stay in daily as I am feeling lost in reaching out to him and he states he feels nothing sometimes because of his biological fathers abandoning him as a toddler. He says "men don't cry about anything, I don't cry, I just get even".

Thank you for keeping me accountable and your prayers.