Thank You Everybody

[kimberlyb0112]

I just wanted to tell everybody thank you for the support and the encouragement that I receive on a daily basis from y'all. Everyone is so awesome here and I am really grateful for that.

Lately, I have been feeling so drained, depressed... and just completely worn out. For a little while, I felt like I was losing my faith. I'm not.. and I think I just got the "end of deployment blues".. we leave in about 8 weeks, and I am soooo ready.

I felt angry and frustrated at God because I was constantly thinking, what do you want from me?? Why am I here, completely alone and I just felt like God was testing me way beyond my limits.

This has been going on for a few weeks, and I felt like I needed to... step back and just take a look at my faith. I haven't been going to church, I haven't been praying like I should at all..
and I felt like I needed a break. But during that time, I just looked at what God has done for me, and I looked at what was sooo wrong with my life spiritually.


I realized one thing that I was doing.. I was making everything so much harder than it was. It is hard here to constantly be in the word as much as I should be, and it was like.. if I even skipped a day.. I felt really bad and I felt guilty. Then it made it harder the next day, and the next day , etc.. until I haven't been doing it. I looked at my intentions for doing it in the first place..

Was I doing it to get closer to God..yes, I was.. but also, I feel like I was doing it because I felt like that is what God wanted from me and it was kind of a way to "earn" his love for that day..

I felt like if I even missed a day, God was ticked at me and so I just pulled away from Him.. it's kind of like a security thing for me.. I would rather pull away from someone (or in this case.. God) as fast as I can because that way, I kind of protect myself from getting hurt.

In growing up, I didn't have a good relationship with my dad.. I know that he has loved things that I have done..like joining the army, etc but as far as loving me?.. Honestly, I don't know if he does or not..in saying that, my point is
I feel like I brought that into my relationship with God. I had to do these things so God can love me..
I realize how wrong I have been. God is still going to love me, and I think if I do skip a day in reading my bible, He will forgive me and not pull away.. the only one that has been pulling away here is me..
I appreciate His patience with me..

Also, I felt like

I was trying to bring my life up to Christianity (or the standards of Christianity)
instead of bring Christianity to my life.. I was trying so hard to change myself
into this "person I am supposed to be" but I wasn't letting God change me
into who I am supposed to be..

I think I exhausted myself, spiritually.. I really do..
I have felt like, ever since becoming a Christian,
that I have been walking on eggshells so as not to
make God mad or something..
It has just seemed like there is so much to do..
like pray, and do it in this way, and say these
words.. It seems kind of hard but
Im just going to relax and let God do His thing
and stop trying to untangle this mess called life
and let him do it..

I'm not good at this whole 'life' thing..lol thank Goodness He is so He
can figure things out for me

 

[jasoncran]

glad to hear, just be careful remember until you board the bird and land in civilized land, you are in country.

jason

 

[Nick]

Keep strong in there, Kimberly.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. - Romans 5:3-4

 

[Vic C.]

One day at a time, Kimberly and let God handle the details. He never tires and He surely doesn't need our help. ;) :amen Everything will be fine as long as you don't wind up in Ft. Dix! :biglaugh

It's just a joke. Jason can explain it some more. :D

 

[handy]

Kimberly, may the peace of God, which passes all understanding, be upon you.

Hang in there sis!