Christ_empowered
Member
OK. I've posted long, whiney versions of my testimony before. Funny thing is...I wasn't really a Christian then. I mean, I thought I was. I was going through the motions. I guess either the Calvinists are right OR I had to wait on God to call me to repentance. Either way, its been almost exactly 1 year since I got on my knees, said my own personal version of the sinner's prayer, cried like a little baby, and became a Christian. So much has happened in that 1 year. So, here we go...my testimony, thus so far.
I'm 29. I had mental issues since childhood. For whatever reason, I always liked the occult. Not in the sense that I necessarily believed in it, just that it fascinated me. Probably schizo-something.
I never really fit in and always sensed that there was something wrong with me and the world. This lent itself well to getting involved in drugs (mostly Rx drugs) and hanging out with the wrong people. I graduated High School at 16 (not because I was a super genius, but just because I hated HS and they didn't have very many AP classes) and was off to college at 17.
Pretty much the instant I got into my apartment at 17 (too crazy for the dorms...long story), my life entered a period of chaos. Random sodomy, lots of marijuana, later lots of Rx'd benzodiazepines (Valium-family drugs) and Rx'd stimulants (mostly high dose Adderall). At 19, I had to come back home...and I was already burned out. Glassy eyes, prematurely aging skin, thinning hair. At 20, I OD'd on Ativan and Klonopin. I'd been trying to stop the Adderall cold turkey. That causes agitation for some reason. So, since I hadn't been sleeping, I took tons of downers. I woke up in a mental hospital. I didn't realize this until years later, but the shrinks at the mental hospital had given me involuntary ECT when sedative injections failed to calm me down. I should have had my stomach pumped.
20-22, I was the burned out, brain damaged laughing stock of a town very close to my hometown. I was sickly and dead eyed. Rumors swirled. Not surprisingly, I was real eager to get out of town. I went back to school...where I definitely wasn't wanted. Something about all the pressure triggered a crazy psychotic episode. I lost lots of weight, got pale and skinny, my eyes were glowing. At 23, I looked 14-17. After getting bashed on the head during what I guess was a botched mugging, I was picked up by the EMTs, given a sedative; I woke up in a mental hospital. I was given more electroshock.
I went home again. I was pretty much a vegetable. Not as prematurely aged, no drugs (except, once again, for some Rxs provided by a not-so-helpful doc), but pretty much done for. Still the laughing stock of...pretty much the whole region, really. I think of those as my "Village Idiot" years (wiki it--explains a lot).
I snapped! I won't go into it too much, but all the pressure, the ridicule, the pain...even with very few brain cells in operation and sedatives on board, I just couldn't take it. I spent 6 months in 23 hour lockdown before a wonderful, God-sent deal was struck: I could do 1 year Teen Challenge and then do community service and counseling. As long as I completed the program and did everything asked of me, they'd dismiss the charges and expunge (erase) the arrest record.
Teen Challenge (I often call it "Jesus Camp," not to be mean, but just being honest...great program, but MAN is it hard!) was wonderful. They knew I had no other place to go and I wasn't looking to cause them any trouble, so they really worked *with* me in a way that I don't think they do for many people (most people at TC have attitude and character issues; my issues were stress, brokenness, and a need to be shown how to be *normal*). I completed the program in 1 year and 11 days, got my certificate, and go on with the rest of the deal. Soon enough, I had a clean arrest record.
As much as I tried to be Christian, I just wasn't. Sad thing about drugs and ECT (especially heavy, involuntary ECT): they tend to dull your capacity to feel or understand anything, especially spiritual matters. So I was basically going through the motions, with mixed results. I moved back to my home area.
Not surprisingly, people 'round here aren't too fond of me. There were rumors, some of my medical information had been leaked (I know it sounds paranoid, but that's what happens when you're very low on the totem pole and you take your docs to the medical board). The pressure built up. I even had neighbors stealing my mail, throwing things at my little apartment, and hurling insults at me.
I sent off random emails to a former shrink. Some of them angry, but not threatening. Some of them just random musings from a mind that, unbeknownst to me, was going to be healed by The Lord. There were a couple unsuccessful attempts at commitment. Then, I was arrested.
My parents weren't pleased, but my dad was and is behind me. They bonded me out and got a good lawyer. The lawyer decided to keep the case out-of-court completely for 8-10 months, just to give everybody time to simmer down (apparently, in this state you can do that in rare cases). Around this time--right after I was bonded out and a felony was added to the initial misdemeanor I was arrested on--I came to repentance. Sounds so convenient, right? Kinda is, I'll admit. Truth is, I *wanted* to be Born Again, but I couldn't comprehend it. I *wanted* to be healed, but I'd been so far gone for so long, I didn't even know what being healed would look or feel like, or what I'd *do* if The Lord were to see fit to change and heal me.
For some reason, my repentance, followed by a move back to my parents' place, triggered a lot of terrible things. Neighbors were screaming at me when my parents weren't around (nasty stuff, too). I lost a couple of my very few friends (honestly, not to be harsh or anything, but...probably for the best). On the plus side--and this is a huge "plus"--something amazing happened: God changed me.
My facial structure has changed. I used to be pretty, in a feminine sort of way, especially after my breakdown at 23. That sort of "look," in today's society, unfortunately lends itself well to sodomy. I'm still kinda pretty, according to people who know me, but I'm definitely more masculine looking. My hair has thickened up and darkened. My voice has deepened. And most impressive...
...my whole personality has changed. Its not just the improved writing, conversational, social, and overall cognitive skills. Its inward (and, in my case, much needed outward) transformation, made possible by Our Lord. A burnout who never had much of a chance, I am now a 29 year old Born Again Christian, starting my life anew.
The case that triggered my repentance was recently settled. The felony that was added to the initial charges was dropped, and I pled guilty to a (serious) misdemeanor. I was given misdemeanor probation for the foreseeable future. As long as I continue obeying the law (I'm *usually* good at that) and continue my outpatient mental health treatment, I should be able to have the conviction erased once probation ends.
I've been blessed well beyond what I deserve and above and beyond what I ever hoped or dared ask for. At Teen Challenge, they always stressed that God's love for us is *agape* love, the highest form of love. I vaguely remember reading some CS Lewis stuff where he wrote that God's love for us is so perfect that He'll permit periods of pain for our ultimate benefit. Such is the nature of God's unending agape love for His people.
Anyway, point is...its been rough at times, but God was with me, Christ was with me, even when I was firmly against Christ (yet in extreme need of Him). Again, such is the nature of Christ's love for His people. As my senses have been restored unto me, I've come to see that I am, in fact, another wretch saved by His grace. I try to focus more on His love for me and my increasing love for Him rather than on who I used to be.
So...yeah...that's my story, up to now. I'll close with a couple Bible verses (no addresses, sorry; I'm bad at that) that really stick with me when I think over my story.
He chooses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Seek ye first The Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you
The first shall become last and the last shall become first
And...the parable of the seeds (some planted in good soil, some in rocky soil, etc.).
Oh (after this, I'm DONE, I promise!), and the one I do have an address for...Matthew 18:12-14.
Wow. If you made it through this, thanks. I'm hoping that, now that I've a) come to repentance and b) had my sense restored unto me, writing out my testimony will help me move on and maybe help others.
I'm 29. I had mental issues since childhood. For whatever reason, I always liked the occult. Not in the sense that I necessarily believed in it, just that it fascinated me. Probably schizo-something.
I never really fit in and always sensed that there was something wrong with me and the world. This lent itself well to getting involved in drugs (mostly Rx drugs) and hanging out with the wrong people. I graduated High School at 16 (not because I was a super genius, but just because I hated HS and they didn't have very many AP classes) and was off to college at 17.
Pretty much the instant I got into my apartment at 17 (too crazy for the dorms...long story), my life entered a period of chaos. Random sodomy, lots of marijuana, later lots of Rx'd benzodiazepines (Valium-family drugs) and Rx'd stimulants (mostly high dose Adderall). At 19, I had to come back home...and I was already burned out. Glassy eyes, prematurely aging skin, thinning hair. At 20, I OD'd on Ativan and Klonopin. I'd been trying to stop the Adderall cold turkey. That causes agitation for some reason. So, since I hadn't been sleeping, I took tons of downers. I woke up in a mental hospital. I didn't realize this until years later, but the shrinks at the mental hospital had given me involuntary ECT when sedative injections failed to calm me down. I should have had my stomach pumped.
20-22, I was the burned out, brain damaged laughing stock of a town very close to my hometown. I was sickly and dead eyed. Rumors swirled. Not surprisingly, I was real eager to get out of town. I went back to school...where I definitely wasn't wanted. Something about all the pressure triggered a crazy psychotic episode. I lost lots of weight, got pale and skinny, my eyes were glowing. At 23, I looked 14-17. After getting bashed on the head during what I guess was a botched mugging, I was picked up by the EMTs, given a sedative; I woke up in a mental hospital. I was given more electroshock.
I went home again. I was pretty much a vegetable. Not as prematurely aged, no drugs (except, once again, for some Rxs provided by a not-so-helpful doc), but pretty much done for. Still the laughing stock of...pretty much the whole region, really. I think of those as my "Village Idiot" years (wiki it--explains a lot).
I snapped! I won't go into it too much, but all the pressure, the ridicule, the pain...even with very few brain cells in operation and sedatives on board, I just couldn't take it. I spent 6 months in 23 hour lockdown before a wonderful, God-sent deal was struck: I could do 1 year Teen Challenge and then do community service and counseling. As long as I completed the program and did everything asked of me, they'd dismiss the charges and expunge (erase) the arrest record.
Teen Challenge (I often call it "Jesus Camp," not to be mean, but just being honest...great program, but MAN is it hard!) was wonderful. They knew I had no other place to go and I wasn't looking to cause them any trouble, so they really worked *with* me in a way that I don't think they do for many people (most people at TC have attitude and character issues; my issues were stress, brokenness, and a need to be shown how to be *normal*). I completed the program in 1 year and 11 days, got my certificate, and go on with the rest of the deal. Soon enough, I had a clean arrest record.
As much as I tried to be Christian, I just wasn't. Sad thing about drugs and ECT (especially heavy, involuntary ECT): they tend to dull your capacity to feel or understand anything, especially spiritual matters. So I was basically going through the motions, with mixed results. I moved back to my home area.
Not surprisingly, people 'round here aren't too fond of me. There were rumors, some of my medical information had been leaked (I know it sounds paranoid, but that's what happens when you're very low on the totem pole and you take your docs to the medical board). The pressure built up. I even had neighbors stealing my mail, throwing things at my little apartment, and hurling insults at me.
I sent off random emails to a former shrink. Some of them angry, but not threatening. Some of them just random musings from a mind that, unbeknownst to me, was going to be healed by The Lord. There were a couple unsuccessful attempts at commitment. Then, I was arrested.
My parents weren't pleased, but my dad was and is behind me. They bonded me out and got a good lawyer. The lawyer decided to keep the case out-of-court completely for 8-10 months, just to give everybody time to simmer down (apparently, in this state you can do that in rare cases). Around this time--right after I was bonded out and a felony was added to the initial misdemeanor I was arrested on--I came to repentance. Sounds so convenient, right? Kinda is, I'll admit. Truth is, I *wanted* to be Born Again, but I couldn't comprehend it. I *wanted* to be healed, but I'd been so far gone for so long, I didn't even know what being healed would look or feel like, or what I'd *do* if The Lord were to see fit to change and heal me.
For some reason, my repentance, followed by a move back to my parents' place, triggered a lot of terrible things. Neighbors were screaming at me when my parents weren't around (nasty stuff, too). I lost a couple of my very few friends (honestly, not to be harsh or anything, but...probably for the best). On the plus side--and this is a huge "plus"--something amazing happened: God changed me.
My facial structure has changed. I used to be pretty, in a feminine sort of way, especially after my breakdown at 23. That sort of "look," in today's society, unfortunately lends itself well to sodomy. I'm still kinda pretty, according to people who know me, but I'm definitely more masculine looking. My hair has thickened up and darkened. My voice has deepened. And most impressive...
...my whole personality has changed. Its not just the improved writing, conversational, social, and overall cognitive skills. Its inward (and, in my case, much needed outward) transformation, made possible by Our Lord. A burnout who never had much of a chance, I am now a 29 year old Born Again Christian, starting my life anew.
The case that triggered my repentance was recently settled. The felony that was added to the initial charges was dropped, and I pled guilty to a (serious) misdemeanor. I was given misdemeanor probation for the foreseeable future. As long as I continue obeying the law (I'm *usually* good at that) and continue my outpatient mental health treatment, I should be able to have the conviction erased once probation ends.
I've been blessed well beyond what I deserve and above and beyond what I ever hoped or dared ask for. At Teen Challenge, they always stressed that God's love for us is *agape* love, the highest form of love. I vaguely remember reading some CS Lewis stuff where he wrote that God's love for us is so perfect that He'll permit periods of pain for our ultimate benefit. Such is the nature of God's unending agape love for His people.
Anyway, point is...its been rough at times, but God was with me, Christ was with me, even when I was firmly against Christ (yet in extreme need of Him). Again, such is the nature of Christ's love for His people. As my senses have been restored unto me, I've come to see that I am, in fact, another wretch saved by His grace. I try to focus more on His love for me and my increasing love for Him rather than on who I used to be.
So...yeah...that's my story, up to now. I'll close with a couple Bible verses (no addresses, sorry; I'm bad at that) that really stick with me when I think over my story.
He chooses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Seek ye first The Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you
The first shall become last and the last shall become first
And...the parable of the seeds (some planted in good soil, some in rocky soil, etc.).
Oh (after this, I'm DONE, I promise!), and the one I do have an address for...Matthew 18:12-14.
Wow. If you made it through this, thanks. I'm hoping that, now that I've a) come to repentance and b) had my sense restored unto me, writing out my testimony will help me move on and maybe help others.
