[__ Prayer __] those neighbors, again

[Christ_empowered]

This time, it was a redneck-y woman's voice, which I recognized, yelling loudly at about 3:45, and again around 5, before my people came home. I don't know what the deal is, honestly. The few times I've been out and heard, clearly, what they're saying (not in my room hearing muffled yelling, not hearing bits and pieces through head phones, etc.), it involves me "getting a felony," my "public defender," my "schizophrenia," etc.

I --do-- pray for these people and my other enemies (low status+stigmatized in a small southern community; I've got plenty of enemies, lol), and I said a prayer just a while ago and actually felt it, and meant it. See, I finally see that I was on the "same team" as they were, until about 4 years ago, when (by a miracle) I got genuinely saved. So, I kinda get it; I was a weakling, on the broad road, and I was messed over and destroyed, and I kinda limped along until I finally got saved.

The Lord's work in my life doesn't seem to sit well with people. Of course, nobody really liked me anyway, and I can't blame people. I could easily be any number of terrible places, but I'm not. I also was more or less poor (its all kind of a haze, and I had my people supporting me, but yeah...not much $$$, at all), and "uppity," which probably doesn't go along well anywhere, but definitely doesn't get you very far in The Bible Belt...especially for somebody with my other stigmatizing labels (junkie, sissy, narcissist, etc.).

OK. I'm not saying its right to yell like that--because its not--and I'm not really interested in getting deep inside their minds to psychoanalyze, because I'm trying to be compassionate and maybe see more of who I was, pre-Jesus, in them and their behavior, but I'm not looking to dig deep. I also think there's some social class stuff going on, because my people were more lower-middle class when they moved here over 20 years ago, and now they're not rich, but not what most people think when they think middle class, either. They worked hard for it, and it seems they should be able to retire on a high note, so that's good. Clearly, God has blessed their efforts mightily. But...

...I remember another set of neighbors talking about my "rinky dink middle class" people. I don't get it, personally; I guess tearing my family down because they have a problem with me makes them feel better? But now they're not "rinky dink middle class," and I think its difficult for some people around here, who would call me "trailer park faggot," etc., to deal with my family and me, now that my people are so much closer to me and are obviously protecting+supporting me.

I'm hoping there won't be anymore yelling tonight and also over the Holidays, but when I stop think about it, I think there will be, realistically. Earlier today, I thought I heard people making noises in the yard, near my window, but its always hard to tell. People --have-- been in the yard...somebody stole my dad's tool box not too long ago...but I don't know who those people are, and my dad gets irritated when I talk about the neighbors giving me a hassle, even though he doesn't much care for that set of neighbors, either (for his own reasons).

Please pray for those who torment me and for my family+me, too. I don't know what these people were doing messing with me when they could...I dunno...be doing something more productive, or at least less ridiculous, but it didn't sit well with me. I don't like people who are aggressively vicious like that, especially since I have to live here, you know?

Thanks.

 

[AirDancer]

It really is time to set up some sort of a recording device so you can capture on tape what the neighbors are yelling. Disturbing the peace.... harassment ...

Part of their problem is their envy. Jealousy has a tendency to eat away at some people. Sounds like your neighbors suffer from this.

Continue to pray for them. And do set up some sort of recording device.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, AirDancer.

I'm trying to learn not to analyze it too much. Maybe its social class issues, maybe straight up jealousy, maybe its because, as a "mental patient," I'm expected to "know your place in society," as they've yelled a number of times. I dunno.

I do think a lot of it is because they expect me to do what the "professionals" say and be who the "professionals" say I am. Problem there is that the "professionals" I ran into back before I got saved were vicious and cruel. I think a big part of the reason I was subjected to such terrible "humbling experiences" back in the day, when I had obvious, severe physical+mental health problems without any treatment, was simply because they couldn't make more $$$ off me and because my people apparently "weren't important." Now, my people are (apparently) "important" enough for this area, but I'm --still-- expected to "know my place," etc.

Frustrating. I mean, I get the sense that people feel they have a right to act this way, tell me who I "really" am, blah blah blah, and I"m expected to just deal with it. Oh, or "move out into a trailer park!," as they sometimes scream at me. Yeah. Great idea. If I move away from my people, my life will be 100x more difficult.

I pray for the neighbors and my other tormentors, I do. Backstory: 11 years ago, I was put in a private, for profit hospital. Electroshocked, blah blah blah. They left me dead eyed and laughed about it--"he was a pistol till we broke him! HA!". Fun times.

Now, I'm bright eyed. Not a genius, but I'm smart now, to an extent and in a way that I wasn't back then, especially after the shock and all. "recovery" ? Sure. "recovery" is as good a word as any, I suppose, and its the current Mental Health buzzword.

So, the impression I get is that The Lord's work in all aspects of my life, and His work in my family's lives, too, especially with their careers, doesn't sit well with people, and probably not just the neighbors. That's when I get nervous, honestly. I had similar problems at the little apt. over a garage my parents bought for me in another town in the same county.

A neighbor dude yelled out one day "somebody's gonna shoot that faggot!," and some neighbor lady yelled out "We're gonna get him committed!," so...yeah. Lots of creepy-ness to this situation, like the time I went into a convenience store and the clerk lady said "I can't believe he moved back here."

I've been oblivious for years because of shock and health problems. I only recently made huge strides towards "recovery," which is really a miracle in slo-mo, by the grace of God. My parents work hard and spend most of their time together, in the house, going on little trips, etc. We've only recently begun genuinely (re)building a relationship, which is another slo-mo miracle.

I don't feel as vulnerable and all as I did in years past, even fairly recently. This is mostly because my people have warmed up to me a whole, whole lot. I think my dad always blamed me for being such a burn out, taking too many prescribed pills of all sorts, etc. A lot went into that, and I shouldn't have been prescribed all that stuff when I was clearly burning out, right in front of the psychatrist's eyes. No big deal, I guess (?).

Point is...some memories have returned, and I realize now that my brain turned to mush by 19, and a lot of it, on the surface, was my fault. besides, whenever something goes wrong in psychiatry, its the patient's fault, somehow. Fun times.

I'm rambling. The neighbors have a problem with me, and they're not the only ones. My people seem to have seriously warmed up to me, largely because I'm a new creation in Christ Jesus and I'm not who I was (burn out, junkie, brat, ugly, prematurely aged, sick+sickly, obviously brain damaged, dead eyed, balding, etc.). God is good!

OK. Finished, for now.

 

[AirDancer]

 

[Angel]

Have you talked to your probation officer about whats happening? I think you should.

 

[Eugene]

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Brother Christ_empowered, are you in need of funds to purchase a recorder that will prove once and for all the source of your agitation? Thanks. I do believe you know we stand with you and pray for you in Christ Jesus.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I bought a small, digital, hand held thing...didn't catch much. It caught noises --I-- made, but didn't so much catch stuff the neighbors were yelling out at me. I think that thing would only work if I got closer to them, which might trigger some craziness on their part. I walked towards the fence, didn't get all that close to it, and they yelled loudly at me, last time. It was rough.

I dunno. I told my dad I thought I heard somebody on my side of the house, and he said maybe it was a deer. I don't think he gets it, honestly.

People are...vicious. I'm pretty sure a local counselor has spread a lot of information around because I'm considered a "trouble maker," "don't know my place in society," etc. I know, it sounds like paranoia, or a novel or...something. Its not. I do know that I have problems, and these problems respond to medications. That's great. But that's not all there is to mental health, a lot of times. A lot of it --is-- about "keeping people in line," using stigma to control people, etc. I apparently needed to "punished" and "humbled," so...yeah.

Ugh. I'm so frustrated sometimes. I look back at what little I remember of the past, and I know I messed up, big time. I also see that I grew up socially isolated and stressed out, which can't be good for one's physical or mental health. And the mental health people really just wanted to make some $$$, label me, control me, etc. Ridiculous. I suspect they've done this to a lot of people, especially poor people, probably a lot of poor women.

So, now, these rednecks yell out at me, and I'm expected to deal with it. I don't know what to do, honestly. On Sunday, I went out for my drive with my dad. I got back, everything was cool, then I heard that redneck-y woman screaming out how "he needs to know how people FEEL ABOUT HIM!," and I'm thinking: my people are home, you're loud and obnoxious, and I don't even know you. I could hear her relatively clearly --inside-- my room, windows closed. That's crazy.

OK. I'm finished venting, for now. Thanks for the ongoing prayers+support.

 

[Eugene]

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Brother Christ_empowered. Do absolutely nothing, especially being on parole. Either get a good recording device you can leave unobserved to verify whether it them or you condemning you, or stay on the other side of your house.

 

[Angel]

I bought a small, digital, hand held thing...didn't catch much. It caught noises --I-- made, but didn't so much catch stuff the neighbors were yelling out at me. I think that thing would only work if I got closer to them, which might trigger some craziness on their part. I walked towards the fence, didn't get all that close to it, and they yelled loudly at me, last time. It was rough.

I dunno. I told my dad I thought I heard somebody on my side of the house, and he said maybe it was a deer. I don't think he gets it, honestly.

People are...vicious. I'm pretty sure a local counselor has spread a lot of information around because I'm considered a "trouble maker," "don't know my place in society," etc. I know, it sounds like paranoia, or a novel or...something. Its not. I do know that I have problems, and these problems respond to medications. That's great. But that's not all there is to mental health, a lot of times. A lot of it --is-- about "keeping people in line," using stigma to control people, etc. I apparently needed to "punished" and "humbled," so...yeah.

Ugh. I'm so frustrated sometimes. I look back at what little I remember of the past, and I know I messed up, big time. I also see that I grew up socially isolated and stressed out, which can't be good for one's physical or mental health. And the mental health people really just wanted to make some $$$, label me, control me, etc. Ridiculous. I suspect they've done this to a lot of people, especially poor people, probably a lot of poor women.

So, now, these rednecks yell out at me, and I'm expected to deal with it. I don't know what to do, honestly. On Sunday, I went out for my drive with my dad. I got back, everything was cool, then I heard that redneck-y woman screaming out how "he needs to know how people FEEL ABOUT HIM!," and I'm thinking: my people are home, you're loud and obnoxious, and I don't even know you. I could hear her relatively clearly --inside-- my room, windows closed. That's crazy.

OK. I'm finished venting, for now. Thanks for the ongoing prayers+support.

One day at a time, brother <3