Tired Of Being Alone. Need Guidance Desperately..

[xhayatox]

I am currently 19 years old. Growing up, I didn't have many friends except my two best friends that I've known since my early childhood. For the sake of this conversation, let's just call these two friends "Ray", and "Ken."

My two best friends, "Ray" & "Ken", aren't in my life anymore and it truly upsets me. I had a special connection with both of them. We all had a very similar sense of humor, we knew everything about one another, we had similar interests, but in the end I gave up trying to salvage the friendships due to the following reasons.

Ray & I were very close growing up. We knew each other for 8 years. 2011 came around, and he just began to grow distant towards me for no particular reason, and he started to isolate himself. When I confronted him about it, he said he was going through personal issues. I decided to give him space in hopes that it would blow over, but it didn't. I waited over a year and nothing changed. He started ignoring my text messages, my phone calls, and completely shut me out of his life. No matter how hard I tried to get through to him, it didn't work so I gave up and haven't spoken to him since. I used to talk on the phone with Ray everyday, and see him on the weekends, but for things to end that way is just terrible.


My second best friend, Ken. I knew him for 8 years as well. He was always a huge part of my life, but as the years progressed, he grew less and less reliable, and started to devalue our friendship. He'd stop talking to me, he would stop calling, barely wanted to hang out, and overall didn't seem to really want to be around my life because he had other friends so he didn't really care about what we had. Everytime I tried to make plans with Ken, he would make excuses and say there was nothing to do and that my house was boring, etc, lame excuses. I used to spend so much time with him growing up, and all of a sudden he just lost interest in our friendship.

So as you can see, both friendships ended almost the same way. Both of my best friends just stopped caring. They began to devalue my friendship, up to the point where they just wouldn't call me or talk to me for months. And it wasn't because of anything I did. I was always there for them. I was always a wonderful companion, but they didn't value my friendship.

I knew both of my best friends since my early childhood. We grew up together, we all had similar interests, similar personalities, etc. How am I supposed to find that in a new person? Me and my best friends have a long history and being able to replace that just doesn't seem possible at all. How am I supposed to meet somebody like them? I just can't meet new people. Everytime I meet a new person, I realize how different they are from my best friends. Finding that similarity in a person in real life just doesn't seem possible at this point in my life. I mean, I'm already 19. I have a job, I am constantly social at my job, but I can't click with anybody. I just feel too detached from society.

I have been stuck in this position for the last two years. Ever since my friendships started to worsen with my former best friends, I have been so misguided and on my own. I have no girlfriend. I have good friends on the internet, but I can't physically see or spend time with them, and my former best friends don't care about me anymore. So whichever way you look at it, I am just boxed in and desperately hoping to find my way out of this.

Realistically, I can try to get back in contact with my former best friends, but I feel like it wouldn't do much good. I don't know what options I have at this point. I haven't heard from Ray in over six months, and Ken talks to me from time to time, and I just keep him around as an acquaintance but I don't think it will ever be the same again..

I am just in a bad position. I have nobody anymore. Whenever I go out, I always go places alone. I go to the movies alone, restaurants alone, walks alone. It's just so depressing. My life never used to be this way. I don't know what options I have anymore. I am not in school either, and I have no plans to go to college.

I know how to make new friends, but I'm not really comfortable doing it. I knew my best friends for over 8+ years. It took me years to get to know them. Meeting somebody new, and having to do this process all over again is just way too overwhelming. I just don't think it's realistically possible for me to do that. I just don't trust anybody. I don't like new people at all. The only people I trust are my former best friends and they are the only ones that I have grown up knowing, and finding somebody completely new and having to replace them seems impossible..

I will try one last time to make up with my former best friends, and if that doesn't work, I don't know what I will do honestly. Any advice?

 

[Jman96]

I know what I'm saying sounds that it won't help but I truly believe you need to pray for a good friendship. There are so many people out there and there has to be more people with the same interest and likes as you. I think that if you pray about it and really seek a good friend out the lord will provide you with a friend that won't leave you such as your previous friends have. Also, don't worry about this new friend being like your past. It is hard to make new friends that you have a true connection with. When you try to find friends just like your old ones, it really is not smart because it could just disappoint you in the end.

Best of luck on this journey and I have prayed for you and if you have any questions let me know, as I am writing this at four in the morning it may be unclear.

-J

 

[DarkHorseRising]

You asked for honest advice, so I'll provide it.

For one thing, it almost sounds like you were relying too heavily on the friendship of these two individuals. It's very possible to smother a friendship and calling someone every day or planning every weekend together can do that. Although some friendships are naturally closer than others, you're better served by having a broader pool of friends. Within such a pool, some will naturally develop better than others, but with guys especially the concept of "best friends who spend every free hour together" is a bit unusual.

I'd also point out the timing of this. You say you're 19, I assume your friends are around there too, and this began two years ago. Around that time, people are coming into adulthood, switching from high school to university, or going into career mode; it's a time of change. You've changed greatly from the person you were 8 years ago, and so have they. It's entirely likely that you have changed in different directions, which is sad but perfectly normal.

Just keep going out and meeting people while living your life. Join a sport or activity you're passionate about; you'll meet other people who share that with you. DON'T focus on finding a replacement best friend; just focus on having fun and meeting people you enjoy being around. Deeper friendships will happen sooner or later, but a friendship cannot be forced.

Hope this helps, just keep living your life and you'll run into others who are doing the same thing.

 

[for_his_glory]

Friends come and go in our life all the time, especially at a young age as you are. I'm 57 and have only had a handful of different friends in my life that I even called my best friend, but situations change, people change, interest change as we mature.

I take it you are a Christian as you said yes in your profile, but you never mention if these two best friends are or not. If they have distant themselves from you then let them be and pursue other activities in your life that would give you the opportunity to make new friends. I do not know what your interest are, but seek out others to have fellowship with that hold the same interest. For instance, if you like basketball and you know someone else does too that you work with or go to Church with then maybe invite them to a game. If your Church has a youth group maybe get involved with that or maybe start a Bible Study group of peers around your own age or plan outings in your Church like movie night, going to dinner, sports events, etc., etc. Pray about this and seek Gods guidance in this.

I do not want to play the age card, but at 19 you are going to have many different friends come and go in your life as I am sure we all have and try not to put so much stalk in one person, but put yourself out there and just meet new people that you are evenly yoked to and let the friendships develop on there own. I have many acquaintances, but not that many that I can actually call a true friend.

 

[gefsgirl]

I can totally relate to what you are saying, xhayatox. I've had similar experiences, even recently, and I am 38. I see a lot of similarities between your life and mine. I was pretty alone myself at your age.

I just have a few questions for you. You say you've been a Christian for three years. Are the friends you are talking about Christians? Or is it possible they left you because you started following God? Do you go to church? Do you know any godly people you could get to know? I know it's hard to make new friends. I can relate to that feeling of having to start all over and invest time and energy to get to know each other. I am in that same situation myself since I just started going to church again and have been trying to get to know some people there. Fortunately there is a lot of opportunity to fellowship there, but that doesn't take away the difficulty of trying to make new friends.

If you are reading any of these threads you started, it would be great to get some response from you. We are all trying to help you

Also, I think maybe this ties in with my thread about depression. You are probably feeling sad a lot of the time because your friends left you. And people tend to avoid sad people. I know this from personal experience.

Try reading Psalms 42, 55, and 88. Maybe you can relate at least partially, to what the psalmist is saying.

 

[Navigator]

I skimmed through the responses and DarkHorseRising made a couple good points that I noticed that I want to note by reiterating them...well one in particular...


While you say you have tried hard to meet new friends or hopefully best friends, you seem to be defeating yourself before you even try. You have placed these friends on such a high pedestal(right word?) that all others are BOUND to look inferior to you before you even get a chance to really know them.

Perhaps you placed your identity to heavily in those friendships...? You viewed yourself as one of the group of three and that was your identity or a big part of it. You were "Ray"'s friend...or "whoever's friend" and when that friendship broke off, it destroyed you. Your self confidence seemed to wane and now you're even questioning your social skills because things aren't working out.

You just have to be yourself. While this usually applies to more intimate relationships, the phrase "there are plenty of fish in the sea" fits here. There are plenty of people out there who share your interests...you just have to find them, be yourself, and let the friendship grow naturally. Don't try to turn new friends into your old ones.....