Unmarried couple, have child, split

[r3skyline]

ill type out my situation first then post the question at the end.

First off, we are NOT married.

Ok, so i have been with a girl for almost 5 years now. We have a child together. We were each other's first. Yes it was a mistake not to wait.

Time goes by. We have our problems, but i ended up causing most of it. It was just one bad decision after another. I didnt catch it in time. She left.

I did the whole desperate bargaining. Saying ill change, ill do whatever it takes and such. I didnt know what else to do. A day later, she finally calls me, and i hear the words i wanted to hear. "This is what needs to be changed..."

She wants to be apart. Have her time and space to seek God again. We always talked about that when we were together. Because we both know the end of days is upon us soon. But we (i) always came up with some dumb excuse as to why we couldnt go to church. ugh.

I want to change. I gave myself to Jesus the day before because i didnt know who else to turn to. I felt at peace that night. Felt a lot better.

I struggled with heartbreak and still am. I dont know why it keeps coming back to me.

She tells me that it'll be fine. That as long as we stay on the right path, God will lead us together again. She is staying with new friends in a different state. Being around a pastor. The pastor told me that we'll be together again too, that God wants my daughter to have a father and God wants that father to be me, but that I need to first change myself and become the man that she always wanted me to be. The husband to provide and support his family. They want us to go through the courting process and such as well (im actually rather excited about that one as it sounds incredibly romantic). They all tell me i have nothing to worry about.

I dont want to worry about anything, but for some reason, i continue to have these awful thoughts. She is supposed to be picking up our daughter this week hopefully to head back down to the other state to stay with her.

I keep thinking that she is just going to grab our daughter and run. Since we were never married, my name isnt on the birth certificate so she can run and hide without telling me.

It hurts thinking about that, but im starting to have doubts about us being together again. I really want it to happen but how come she can be happy and calm about this all while im crying all the time and being depressed.

On top of it all im joining the army soon and need to do all this other stuff. I wanted to join because i know it'll help me become a man that i need to be and ill also have the stability of a job/income for my daughter.

She told me she wants her (our daughter) on my medical so that she'll (daughter) receive medical benefits. She told me she'll be at BCT (basic training) graduation for me. She told me she isnt looking for any other guys. She told me before she truly loves me, that she thinks of us (me and her), she wants us to be together again....that she is waiting for me.

I broke down today sending her lots of txt because i just let it all hit me. the pressure and everything just flooded me. For some reason i thought of running away and thought of suicide. i have NEVER ONCE thought about suicide throughout this entire "ordeal". i had also asked her earlier in the day if she thought we would be married one day and such. she simply said "i think so". i have no idea what that means!!! because of my depression at the moment im being blinded!

when i asked for jesus to forgive me, and told him (God) all of my sins and problems and concerns, i felt so much better before. Things were going so well, i was able to talk to a recruiter, i lost 15 lbs, got a high score on the asvab.... then all of a sudden, this all started happening again. I started feeling depressed. I dont know what to do.

Why am i doubting her when obviously what she is txting me, is HUGELY indicating she wants this to work out, and wants us to be together but is waiting for my actions to speak for themselves. >__>

What do i do? she obviously wants us to be together in the end....so why am i still doubting her? am i trusting God as i should? i feel as tho i am putting all my trust and faith in him tho. am i not?

 

[Tina]

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You obviously love her very much and are afraid of losing her. She on the other hand, just wants her space even though she too loves you. Fear and anxiety are of the devil and you should renounce them and trust in the Lord to work all things for your good (Romans 8:28). If she is really the woman for you, God will not allow nothing and no one to separate you from her, for if God is for you, who can be against you? (Romans 8:31)


Psalm 118:6
The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

Isaiah 12:2
Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid.


God has already forgiven you of your past sins and you should accept His forgiveness by faith and move on with your life, trusting that God's plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11). Ditch all suicidal thoughts and cast them down as they are of the devil. God knows that perhaps both you and your girlfriend are not really ready for marriage, so He is preparing you two.

I will pray for you ...

 

[r3skyline]

thank you.

i do love her very much. a lot of the time i think about us and the past, it is usually about what i did to drive her away. but then i focus on changing myself so that i may be a better man and father for my daughter.and a potential good husband for her.

i want this to work out so much, but i keep worrying when i know i shouldnt. yesterday was the perfect example. i was happy, felt great, she randomly started txting me after 3 days of not hearing from her. we had an hour long "conversation" through txting. it was great! she was genuinely talking back. i get to the testing station, and score even better than i did on the practice test AND i find out i can enlist into pretty much any job i want in the army!

i come home tho. pray and thank God for all he has given me so far. around 3AM in the morning tho my daughter wakes up and i hear my bro. (living with parents because im about to join) talking to my daughter as she is walking around the hallway looking for me. she thought i had left her as well ( i had left around 11:30AM and came back around 8PM and she was already asleep) like her mother did and when i went to her, she was crying.

i went back to sleep, but when i awoke, i felt very bleh. throughout the day it just continued to get worse. my "ex" wants me to find the title to the car, but i cant. it gets to me. my daughter leaves her purse at the park like half a mile away. it gets to me. i talk with the "ex" and she doesnt respond to my "will we be together? do you see us together?" txts, but instead responds to those when i change the subject. the only one i got her to respond to was when she said "i think so" this is when things started going greatly downhill...

a few hours later i break down and start bawling. i cant stop for a while as i also see that a friend from high school has cancer, just recovered from flesh eating bacteria and other bad things. i pray that he makes it.

i then leave her messages of what i felt at the time. my thoughts, how im not good enough and probably wont ever be. that her and my daughter deserve someone better than i. that i feel i wont be a good enough father/husband to them. tell them i should just end it since no one loves me. everyone hates me.

she sends one txt only for the rest of the night.

"wow u are seriously stupid. stop it"

(i sorta wanted her to say something like that as in a voicemail i left her before all of it, i stated i wanted her or anyone to just call me and be like "you need to stop it. you are doing fine and just need to have patience")

she really never gets mad at me. kinda glad she is in a different state at this point as if she were near me, i probably wouldve been smacked pretty hard by her.

i get home depressed. i see my daughter. she greets me with "DADDY!!!!" i feel a lot better. i go to my room, hop on facebook. my daughter comes in and starts playing with my guitar and starts singing about me and her mommy (shes only 3 so it sounded realllyyyy cute). i cried a little but did not let her see me.

i got onto everystudent.com, CBN.com....i read the bible. i felt a TON better....

i really need to let it all go as its hurting me and i do not want it to affect her. she told me she was happy where she was at. i assume its because she is getting the space she wanted. i believe she doesnt really answer my calls / responds to txt as much because if she does, its really not helping me to give me the space i need as well to find God on my own too.

i read that God plans for people are greater than what they could imagine. to be honest, i didnt believe it before, but when i havent been in school for 3 years, and the last time i was it was me finishing a high school completion program....and i score ridiculously high on the math portion, thats not me...that is God's greatness.

i know he is trying to prepare us for our future marriage. i think its also because i am completely impatient with so much. its something i need to work on. the training for the job i want in the army is 22-24mos and basic training is around 9 weeks. not counting the wait time to get into basic which is usually 4-5 mos. so i would be looking at almost 2 years of not seeing my daughter/the 2nd love of my life (first obviously being God).

i just sorta wish i knew what his plan for us was/is. obviously if she is happy then she is doing fine/great on her path/journey.

i just dont feel like im doing any better other than me acknowledging my mistakes and trying to turn to God to lead every aspect of my life as i should. i dont do that "only pray when big stuff matters". i pray and ask for help / guidance for every problem i face.

but when i broke down today. i didnt. i think that was a big mistake. another one was/is probably me not trusting him fully. im not sure how i can tho. perhaps it is just all on faith and accepting the fact that God WILL bring us together as long i as trust him fully.

sorry for so much, but i just searched for this forum through google and it looked wonderful. and it just feels great to let it out

i do feel as though she is the woman for me. i cannot look at any other and want to be with them. i do not see myself with another. she is the mother of my child. i chose to start a family with her. yes that was pretty bad on our part for not waiting, but she looked so perfect through my eyes.

i want to be the best husband/father i can be to them (mother and daughter). i guess 2 years of not seeing them is worth it compared to the lifetime that we will have together.

who knows, maybe God will actually have me stationed near her! i did tell her tho that i wouldnt mind if she used my money to get a place of her own for her and the daughter outside of whatever base i am finally PCSd (permanent duty station) to. we will NOT live together before we are married. that was something i feel so bad about before i met her. i still feel bad about not being able to say she was my first kiss and such......i want to be as pure as possible before seeing her again and want to experience a "true" first kiss when we marry. i am really artsy kinda guy and when i found God again (i was catholic before when i was younger), it seemed as though waiting and keeping myself as pure as i could would make it sooo special when we see each other again.

 

[Tina]

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I really feel sorry for you, man ... I've no idea what happened in the past that causes your girlfriend to avoid you but it sure looks like she doesn't quite trust you even though she wants to and loves you. She's afraid of getting hurt again. It's very common for women to distant ourselves. But it does not necessarily mean she does not want you, it only means she needs more time and encouragement. We do not like to pressurized about such stuff. I guess the only way now is for you to convince her that you are making efforts to change and are serious about her.

 

[PouringRain]

Looooong posts......... and I read them all!

I just wanted to pull out a couple of things if I may.....

1) You expressed a concern that she might take your daughter and disappear and you would never see your little girl again because your name is not even on the birth certificate. (I am not sure why your name isn't on the birth certificate... but that is not the issue at this point.) If this is a very real fear of yours, then I would advise you to have a paternity test done before you go into the military to esptablish your paternity of the child. The reason is because it will give you a legal "right" to that child and would make it much more difficult for your ex to take the child and disappear. Without a paternity test, you have no evidece or proof the child is yours and you have no rights concerning the child. When you approach the idea of having the test done, focus only on the positives. Do NOT tell your ex that you have a fear of losing your daughter. Instead tell her you want to establish paternity so that a) you can add yoru child on your medical, b) your ex can collect child support for the child, and c) tell her that in case anything happens to you, you want the child to recieve some of your death benefit. Make this test a positive thing.... but the underlying truth is that you don't want to lose the child. If she ever does take off with the child, then with that paternity test proving you are the father, it will be easier to have her tracked down, found, and you can gain visitation/custody periods of your child.

2) You mentioned an awful lot about texting, texting, texting your ex and she even telling you how stupid she thinks you are being. Stop texting her so much! Seriously. Find someone you can talk to about your fears, hurts, etc. like a pastor or friend. She doesn't like your texting all the time, so it is not going to bring her back. It is natural when someone we love pulls away that we feel a need to draw close to that person again, but the problem is that for some people they pull away because they may be feeling suffocated and just need some space. The more you push closer, the father she will continue to pull away. Back off, pray, keep minimal communication, and let her come back to you. The courtship that she mentioned wanting is a good way to do this. Also the fact that you are planning to go into the military soon and will be gone for sometime is good. Write her letters. Ask her if she minds the occasional phone call. Keep communication with her new pastor mostly. And look at this as a courtship.... getting to know someone all over again from the beginning. (You certainly would not text a stranger dozens of times telling them how much you want them back, otherwise they'd run before you even had a chance. LOL)

3) Stop focusing on her and how much you miss her, and start focusing on yourself. Focus on getting in a right relationship with God and putting him first in all things, focus on your training in the military, focus on things in your life that you would like to work on in order to become the man God would want you to be, etc. I would recommend the following book to you: http://www.amazon.com/Single-Married-Se ... 0768422027 Buy it and read it. I promise you that there are things in there that can change your life if you allow them to.

Praying for the best in your life. Through this trial, God will bring you out a stronger man if you allow him to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw

 

[r3skyline]

Tina - yea, the biggest thing the pastor told me when we talked before was that she needed to trust me again before anything else would continue. but in order for me to do that, it would need to be shown through my actions because she doesnt believe my words.

they all kept telling me that the first step is to send our daughter to her.

pouringrain -

1)the only problem with that is a paternity test is not valid unless it is court ordered. then its another $500 to do it

2) yea....she did tell me one time that she does read all the texts tho. i do have to distance myself and do as she is. but to just walk out and have support all around you would make it a whole lot easier rather than being me, and literally losing everything i love here.

3) i will.

 

[PouringRain]

I don't know what state you are in, but contact your local legal aid office or child support office and ask about it.

 

[r3skyline]

oh geez, i dont think ill be able to now....

she is on her way with the pastor to washington to pick up the daugther.. they are already in the air as their phones are off

i called the dept of health to see if i was on the paternity affidavit....i was not..

all i can do is grab a blank copy fill out my portion, have hospital notarize it, and pray that my ex fills out the rest so i can mail it off.....

im scared to meet her.

 

[r3skyline]

she picked up our daughter. didnt fill out parental affidavit. no letter for my recruiter. wouldnt talk to me at all....

i have now lost everything that i loved.

it hurts. so much. she told me it was the first step. the pastor she was with (one from oklahoma) told me it would be ok. i just need to do my thing and get myself together.

im so confused. but maybe what they both said is telling me to stand up, be brave, find a deep relationship with God and we'll be together again....?

idk....

 

[JohnEboy1983]

I just read your posts. You havent lost everything if you love God. The pastor and your ex may be telling you to stand up, be brave, find a deep relationship with God even if you arent ever together again, because its a change you have to make for yourself and not for her. If you found out you never would be with her again, you need to ask yourself are you still going to give God your whole heart?

I have an ex fiance in which I really tore myself apart for close to a year over her after we broke up. I also told myself how horrible I was and said all types of negative things about myself and even thought suicidal things as well. Its really a time where the devil can put alot of pressure on you while you are hurting. The only difference was I didnt have a child with her which I can understand why it makes it so much harder on you being seperated from your daughter also. I realized that me and my ex would never get back together and that I had to make the choice of putting God first for myself and not for her, and I did.

You would not believe how bad I really want to find my soul mate and it often hindered my walk, hope and trust in God. As of recently I have been finding a lot of fulfillment and satisfaction in God alone and I have vowed that I will follow God no matter what happens in my life. God has really given me more and more peace in him the more I have sought him out and kept my eyes focused on him. In turn it has increased my faith and hope and trust in him so much. I once heard on a christian radio station that your real trust in God is displayed while your waiting on him and I could not agree more.


Well brother, you need to remind yourself that you are a child of the Most High and remember that HE is your prized possession. You need to remind yourself that you are good enough because of what Christ has done for you. There is no telling what will happen in your future, but keep real faith, hope and trust alive in God in that he truly does know best even when it doesnt look so good and seek him out for yourself. I encourage you to do all you can do but overall relying on God for help. I hope things work out the way God sees best for you.

John

 

[jasoncran]

ah , the army will make sure that if she has legal custody of the child and you are the parent they will take pay from you , it will be in the les.

what is your job? intel? with a ait that long it must be.

 

[r3skyline]

john - the thing is, the pastor told me once before that the first step to gaining back her trust was turning my daughter over to her. they have both told me that we would be together again. but now her answer is more towards "i think so" than anything else. they keep telling me not to worry about things ahead of time and to just take one step at a time.

the pastor and her husband went through something similar to us, but were in a far worse situation. i believe that they are telling my ex that we'll end up like them in the end. i sooo want that. but as you stated, i need to find that relationship and God first before anything else.

I just got off the phone with my friend. She told me a lot that i needed to hear, rather than what i wanted. i love her because of that. she's so sweet. (she's married already. lol)

jasoncran - actually the army will help me to win back my daughter. if she (mother) does not have a job that can provide for a place and food and such for them both, then i will win my daughter back and gain a family care plan through the army and they will help me win her back with lawyers through JAG. and ill be able to live off base
i have all this confirmed through my father's 1st sgt as he had to fight for custody of his kids.

its not a route i want to take however. i want us to work it out and end up getting back together. but for now, i must want God first in my life rather than focusing on getting back with my love. God needs to be my first love and i now realize that ive only been wanting a relationship with my ex moreso than one with God. thats not right and if it had continued, i wouldve never received anything/gotten any better nor improved my own life.

intel is long training. approx 22 mos.

my daughter is away now, but i feel God has "taken" them away for a reason. That i may realize that i would not have been able to focus on God and gain the relationship he wants us to have.

 

[jasoncran]

i am a nco(ssg). that's something i was unaware of, but that is what JAG is for.

what type of intel are you going for?
defense language school to learn arabic, chinese, korean, spanish? farsi?
or something else psyops

either way good luck if its intel combat is something you may see.

 

[r3skyline]

for intel i was hoping human intelligence. >__>


update on my situation. yesterday i was buggin her cuz my dad kinda put me in a slump. he asked why didnt she sign the parental affidavit naming me the father. i became all depressed remembering this and kinda went off the chain. started txting her my feelings of how i felt they all just tricked me into giving her our daughter, how they are just using me, how i feel she isnt waiting, i wanted to know if she was waiting or not so i am not hurt in the end. but i did let her know i was not mad or anything and that it all stemmed from my father mentioning the affidavit and how it had me go south. i also mentioned my concerns about the affidavit as well, just saying "i dont understand why you didnt sign it either". i shouldve just told my dad "i dont know...." but im dumb and vulnerable right now.

she sent me a txt tho a bit after that bombardment.

"i will not let you out of her life..."

how am i supposed to take that? literally? like, dont worry about your daughter she is gonna be in your life.

or should i go deeper. such as, hmm, dont worry about your daughter she will still be in your life even if i find someone else.



ugh...

i sent her a txt this morning asking where the daughter was so i could call. 6 mins later she calls me and has our daughter talk to me. was a VERY nice thing.

yesterday, i told her that if she takes interest in what MOS (job) i choose today, then it obviously means she is just waiting for me to prove myself and prove that i am indeed changing. its all on my actions. and so far....not so great. =/

i figured, if someone didnt wanna be bothered by a person, they would simply ignore them, not read their txt (which she does obviously. crazy...), shut off the cell phone plan...and so much. big one would be that they definitely wouldnt care what job they would pick...

i just hope she txt me back with sincere interest. i would definitely stop bugging her about our "status" then. and i told her that too.

geez im just so terrible....

 

[PouringRain]

That is good news that she is making efforts to keep your daughter in your life.

 

[r3skyline]

wow, actually had a normal "conversation" thru facebook chat today. was really nice.

 

[wisdom.hiddenheart]

Hey there,
I haven't read all the other posts but as a man of God, I URGE you to go see your pastor (if you have one) and have a man to man talk and find someone to pray for you and help point you in the right direction. You need all the help you can get...

 

[r3skyline]

uhm. thx?

yea, was the first thing i did.

 

[r3skyline]

god is the only one who can help me now. my ex will not let me talk to my daughter..didnt even talk on fathers day...

 

[Caroline H]

I'm sorry, I can't imagine how that must feel Please don't give up hope, though. God is more than able to restore what has been broken, no matter what it is. He loves you and has a plan for you, and if you will just trust Him and lean on Him alone you will see that plan come to fruition. God bless you