[__ Prayer __] Venting

[Angel]

(This is not a suicide note or anything, just an expression of how I feel.)

Have you ever been hurt to such a degree that you feel like death is the only way out? I'm in a lot of emotional pain. Most of the time. Thinking about ways that I could die that would be the least scary or painful. Right now I feel like starving myself and hiding it so no one really knows what I'm doing.

But, I'm not going to do that.

I just want to move on, but I can't. I'm stuck in my pain. It's always been oppressive.

I don't sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'm just in this perpetual state of hurt. I practice coping skills. It gets rid of the pain for awhile and then it comes back. It always comes back. And I feel hopeless.

There are some very good people in my life that make my life worth living. If they weren't, I would've been gone a long time ago...

What is the point? Why is God even keeping me alive, considering the absolute torment I've experienced over the course of my life? Is He EVER going to heal me???

It sucks.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Eugene]

.
Hi Sister Angel, that must be a battle. From the age of around twenty through my fifties I suffered with cluster (suicide) headaches, and had wished for death many times. There were times I wouldn't sleep more than five minutes at a time for a week or so only to wake up with the severest of headaches you can imagine. God only kept my body functioning during those attacks; I can sympathise with your hurt. Will God heal you? He did me, and then what I was into I question I would have survived without the illness prohibiting my own self destruction in other areas of my life. I do pray for your deliverance from the pain you feel in Jesus' name.

 

[KevinK]

Yes. The person who drove me into a tree 40 years ago is my own best friend. He was trying to prove something. He has never apologized, and refuses to take any responsibility for the excruciating pain and medical problems since.

When the migraines starting happening every day, I seriously considered suicide. It was then that I began to research the spiritual consequences of taking one's own life, primarily by studying NDEs, since I'd already had a similar OBE (out-of-body experience). I was shocked to discover that the part of Hell I had been shown is the same place suicides go. They are there forever and their situation will never change. Even years of migraine headaches did not compare (that says a lot, as I think Eugene would agree).

(As a Christian I learned that I must forgive my friend; somehow it's a process I seem to go through every day, forgiving over and over.)

Like youself, one of the things that allows me to survive through the pain is support friends. I have a long-time martial arts buddy who texts me every few days asking how I'm doing; it really seems to make a difference. And now, I have you, too. Maybe that's why God is keeping you around?

 

[daninthelionsden]

(This is not a suicide note or anything, just an expression of how I feel.)

Have you ever been hurt to such a degree that you feel like death is the only way out? I'm in a lot of emotional pain. Most of the time. Thinking about ways that I could die that would be the least scary or painful. Right now I feel like starving myself and hiding it so no one really knows what I'm doing.

But, I'm not going to do that.

I just want to move on, but I can't. I'm stuck in my pain. It's always been oppressive.

I don't sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'm just in this perpetual state of hurt. I practice coping skills. It gets rid of the pain for awhile and then it comes back. It always comes back. And I feel hopeless.

There are some very good people in my life that make my life worth living. If they weren't, I would've been gone a long time ago...

What is the point? Why is God even keeping me alive, considering the absolute torment I've experienced over the course of my life? Is He EVER going to heal me???

It sucks.

Thanks for listening.

You'll find this life is short and temporary. The Kingdom coming is eternal. Each of us has their place and purpose, including the world's rejects like me. We may never find actual peace in this life. We are promised peace in the Kingdom to come. Remember. You are going to be able to reach and have empathy to those who need your unique perspective and viewpoint. Endure the now for the coming reward. To much is given, much is required. You were given much and much is required. You are able to do this. Persevere to the end. Search for goodness wherever you may find it. You can reach those others can't. They can't even relate. I've walked out in front of a car, put a gun in my mouth twice and survived much more. I have survived these decades somehow. So can you.

 

[Angel]

.
Hi Sister Angel, that must be a battle. From the age of around twenty through my fifties I suffered with cluster (suicide) headaches, and had wished for death many times. There were times I wouldn't sleep more than five minutes at a time for a week or so only to wake up with the severest of headaches you can imagine. God only kept my body functioning during those attacks; I can sympathise with your hurt. Will God heal you? He did me, and then what I was into I question I would have survived without the illness prohibiting my own self destruction in other areas of my life. I do pray for your deliverance from the pain you feel in Jesus' name.

Hey Eugene.
I cannot imagine going through that. It sounds excruciating. It's wonderful that you are well now. Did God ever tell you why you he let you go through that?

 

[Angel]

Yes. The person who drove me into a tree 40 years ago is my own best friend. He was trying to prove something. He has never apologized, and refuses to take any responsibility for the excruciating pain and medical problems since.

When the migraines starting happening every day, I seriously considered suicide. It was then that I began to research the spiritual consequences of taking one's own life, primarily by studying NDEs, since I'd already had a similar OBE (out-of-body experience). I was shocked to discover that the part of Hell I had been shown is the same place suicides go. They are there forever and their situation will never change. Even years of migraine headaches did not compare (that says a lot, as I think Eugene would agree).

(As a Christian I learned that I must forgive my friend; somehow it's a process I seem to go through every day, forgiving over and over.)

Like youself, one of the things that allows me to survive through the pain is support friends. I have a long-time martial arts buddy who texts me every few days asking how I'm doing; it really seems to make a difference. And now, I have you, too. Maybe that's why God is keeping you around?

I appreciate your thoughts. It is showing me that others have felt like dying because of pain too. I consider you a friend and it is fun to speak Japanese with you. Now that my class is over i can concentrate on my Japanese learnings! (Is learnings a word? Lol)

 

[Angel]

You'll find this life is short and temporary. The Kingdom coming is eternal. Each of us has their place and purpose, including the world's rejects like me. We may never find actual peace in this life. We are promised peace in the Kingdom to come. Remember. You are going to be able to reach and have empathy to those who need your unique perspective and viewpoint. Endure the now for the coming reward. To much is given, much is required. You were given much and much is required. You are able to do this. Persevere to the end. Search for goodness wherever you may find it. You can reach those others can't. They can't even relate. I've walked out in front of a car, put a gun in my mouth twice and survived much more. I have survived these decades somehow. So can you.

Thank you for the insight. It puts things in perspective.

 

[Eugene]

.
Hi Angel. I never did hear God's voice in all that, though I think that's what drove me to study the bible as never before for answers. I came to find that Jesus loved me so much that He gave Himself for me; I didn't know that assurance in a previous religion I was in.

My own mortality became real causing me to call upon God as never before. For some reason I've been drawn to quote this following scripture lately and that is Acts 9:16 - For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake. I think I have told you this concept before, but I believe we are chosen to take God's message to others, and of course unless we experience God's grace in what He's allowed in our lives we're unprepared to tell others of His keeping power of deliverance and healing. Can you imagine Jonah's rebelling and fleeing to Tarshish against God's mission for him to warn Nineveh; he just jumped out of the frying pan into the fire as it were (Whale).

Why LORD, why me; what can I do? I've experienced two raised from sure death, allowed to care for a wife God gave me for sixty years now, and to be there for many in their trials of this present life. What will God have you do? I would advise you to wait on the Lord and watch His special deliverance and mission He has especially designed for you; He has showed Himself to be lovely in all His dealings with my life. I would not want to repeat it, but I relish what He has done in me.

Maybe you've already read this following pamphlet I wrote as I was in a fire as never before, but Christian sufferings developes the very things in you that you would never realize any other way. May God richly bless you in Jesus' name.
Christian Sufferings
http://www.christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?threads/christian-sufferings.52898/

 

[Angel]

Hey Eugene. I am aware of my mortality too. I can sense my body as a house for my soul.

Can you or have you ever sense God's presence outside of suffering?

 

[GodsGrace]

Hi Angel
Emotional pain is like that. It always comes back.
I can tell you that with age you will tend to remember what caused it but without the feeling.
So there's hope for you,

Big moves upset us. Think about turning your new apt into a home, be happy with Mat, and make good food to eat!

Concentrate on the good things you have. I like Philippians 4:8.
Hurt is a part of life... We all feel it. It'll pass one day.

I'll be praying for you.

Wondering

 

[Angel]

Wondering,
thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

<3

 

[Eugene]

Yes Angel, I sure do. Blessing of peace incomprehensible in wonder why God would even listen to me. Prayers answered without cause except God's great love shown.

I’m quoting a testimony of Whitney Phipps here I believe to be so true. “It is in the quite crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born, and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through.”

 

[Angel]

Yes AngelI’m quoting a testimony of Whitney Phipps here I believe to be so true. “It is in the quite crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born, and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through.”

Hey Eugene
I'm watching the video, but could you please explain this quote? I don't quite get it.

I like his singing!

 

[Eugene]

.
On a personal basis each of us experience our own level of understanding as God works in us to have His best. How does a soldier of war ever know peace again after losing their sight and limbs; I don't, but I have read their testimonies. Was that a gift given I can't even fathom because I've not experienced it. Now I talk of peace. I've talked to countless people without hope, no joy, and especially having peace. I see the famous and rich kill themselves; why? Angel, we have a gift the world doesn't. Even Christians many times without knowing God's deliverance seldom seem to grow in depth to help others.

 

[GodsGrace]

Hey Eugene
I'm watching the video, but could you please explain this quote? I don't quite get it.

I like his singing!

Hi Angel,
I see that Eugene has answered the quote you don't understand.
I've experienced this quote personally, so I'll tell you how I understand it, if you don't mind.

Here's the quote:
“It is in the quite crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born, and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through.”

People who are happy all the time and very superficial and have had no experiences in life, tend to not think about anything important and do not consider the problems that others have.

It's when you're down and out, or having physical or emotional difficulties that the secrets of life open up to you. You begin to have compassion and even empathy for others. You create a belief system which will let you get by in life. Atheists can do this too, but Christians have the Holy Spirit to help them understand God's ways and how everything in this world will not be perfect.

For instance, I have suffered a particular ailment 3 times in my life and it was not pleasant. But guess what, it's helped me to understand and help my granddaughter - who needs a lot of help and is very difficult to understand by those who have had no experience with her problems. Book knowledge is great - but to understand someone really, you need to know what they FEEL like.

So Eugene said everything correctly (of course!) and above is an example from my own life.

Wondering

 

[smaller]

I could write long and hard on this subject.

Suffice it all to observe:

1 John 5:19
And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness.

We often think, as believers, only part 1 above applies to us. Reality however soon dictates to us that we are also quite immersed in the bold above, and who wouldn't suffer in that encompassing fact.

God's Present Reality has commanded two matters. Light and Darkness. One shines from the midst of the other.

2 Corinthians 4:6
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Yes, that darkness can be a bit overwhelming at times. Even immobilizing. I think we've all been there.

2 Peter 1:19
We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts:

I would just LOVE to say that I only feel "good" about myself. That really isn't in the cards. We do end up having to reconnoiter through the facts of our own respective darkness.

Daily, it has helped me, to turn my face to His Perfection, which I always look to in anticipation. In Hope. In joy. Not just for myself, but for all. And this helps to put one foot in front of the other and walk on. Even when it seems there is no hope. <- Yes, I have been in this place.

So, we say, why comes this darkness? I'd consider myself an expert on this subject, forced by same darkness, into the scriptures to try to understand this.

I found that I have no strength. I am "weak." Made purposefully so. I accept this conclusion of fact, not only from Word, but from reality. This weakness is actually demanded by God, that it be His Strength that abides upon us.

2 Cor. 12:
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Psalm 88:6
Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps.

There are interesting things that arise, from the condition of powerless weakness. It is, in a way, the "dying" of our natural seed, as spoken of by Paul in 1 Cor. 15:42-46. Even while we are yet living.

Deuteronomy 32:36
For the Lord shall judge his people, and repent himself for his servants, when he seeth that their power is gone, and there is none shut up, or left.

I am always inexorably drawn toward the surface of this earth crust I am buried in. To break through. To blossom. To produce. To be PRUNED. Even when at those times it seems that all my leaves have been stripped from the branches and the sap, immobilized.

These "states" go hand in hand with the workings of God in Christ, in us:

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

I could write of glorious overcoming. Yes, I have had these too, usually followed by "another cycle." What I really seek is only His Perfection, which is only His to give. And this I know, will come soon enough to this planting.

It's a short stay in this garden. Appreciate the cycles of the seasons and grow from there. I have very much learned to FEAR our Maker because of these things. Which fear has only bolstered my faith.

2 Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey angel. This thread came close to home, which is why I've been kinda heavy handed with the "likes."

I have similar feelings as you, sometimes. What's the point? I messed up in my late teens, I was destroyed, now I'm a different, remarkably normal person, and...I may be dependent on the gov't and my (loving, wonderful, kind) parents indefinitely. No family of my own, no friends locally, stigmatized, etc., labeled and defined not only by things I did, but by things that were done to me.

So, I kinda get where you're coming from, to a point. I never thought of it like Eugene put it, that we're "God's messengers." That's brilliant.

I guess you and I are low-status, "mental patients" in society, and also examples of Christ's work in the lives of obviously wretched people.

In my own life, I"m learning to focus more on what I've been blessed with--my parents, comfort, stability, normalcy, good health, etc.--and not so much on what I don't have, may never have, what the world says I must have in order to be (respectable, "good enough," "a real man," etc.).

God has each of His children at our place in life, going through what we're going through, enjoying what we're enjoying, etc. for His reasons. I'm not big on the false humility of "ohhhh, God, I'm a worm," etc., but I will say that He is great and we are small. He is love and infinitely wise, so there's some kind of point to all this, I'm sure.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'm glad you chose to vent here. I do it all the time, of course, and it helps tremendously. I find that people here have been more genuinely interested in my well-being and more genuinely helpful than most counselors, psychiatrists, etc....and they're not getting compen$ation, either.

I'll keep you up in prayer, as always.

 

[Angel]

I appreciate the input. I don't really have a reply, just listening. Thanks.