Dear Reba, I cannot bear to hear you say hell is what keeps you from wanting to not be alive. Please know that I care and I want you to let me in, to at least cry with you, and gently stroke your hand. You are the only one to respond to my post about semantics. There is something special about you having read all of what you have said in this thread. I just know it deep in my heart. My concern is that you would forgive who hurt you, because I am hoping much of your health issues may be tied to that. You might say you have already forgiven, but your words bely that. I have uploaded a writing I sent to another whose cross is heavy even as yours is. Here it is:
Your cross is much greater than mine, I will not begin to think I can tell you how to carry it. But if I may, I would humbly ask if I might share in your pain. For my empathy demands it. And my empathy is that of what I witness to, the cross of Christ.
So why did he forgive those who were so viscious to him, with such wanton brutal malice? For he said forgive them they know not what they do. They know not what they do? Can't they see what they do? Don't they feel? They are beasts. They destroy the trust and Love that everybody born should be able to count on. They take away everything that matters and leave a mans heart hating he ever even knew love. They don't know what they do? Is it possible?
And what if you find out that what was done to you was first done to them? What if you find out that they despised your childhood because they had lost theirs? What if they were infected by the same disease passed down through generations? Will watching them suffer satisfy your anger, or will you relish the thought? For God will punish sin, and without your intercession they will suffer everything you suffered at their hands, and probably worse.
Please understand that the enemy of God is the enemy of Love and wants to kill love and wants to make people hate love. You scorparium is where this battle is being fought. Satan certainly doesn't want you to forgive. That's his MO. He wants to see everybody suffering with him. Satan will say they know exactly what they're doing and they meant to do it. So decide whom you will believe, for the only way you can forgive from the heart is to believe they didn't know what they were doing. But somehow I think you know this deep down. That's what Christianity is, a faith in eternal love. You have the rare oppurtunity to actually walk the walk. The people who did this to you did not believe. But enough, I've said what I had to say. I don't know you. You don't know me. But I will speak for myself concerning why I had to believe Jesus. I had to forgive to become like him, or I became like those people I hated. My sincere prayers are for you.
And so also for you, my dear Reba.