What should my friend do?

[JohnEboy1983]

This post is really about my friend and I am asking to see your advice on what he should do. He is still married with his wife and has 2 children. Him and his wife had some issues and eventually she decided she cant be around him and wants to do things on her own so she moved out and got her own job. My friend pays her rent and child support. They are still married and never got any legal seperation either. My friend is really wondering anymore whether he should be paying her rent. He wants to be with her and work things out but she keeps telling him that there is no future between them, but also confuses him by saying she doesnt have any plans to get back together right now, so he isnt sure whether is temporary or permanent. They are both Christians, but I honestly believe she is very confused in what she wants right now. He married her when she was 18. He is 30 and I think she is 24 or 25 so there is a little bit of an age gap if that really matters or not. I am not so sure whether he should be paying her rent anymore and he needs to focus on himself when she doesnt want to work things out right now. I told him child support is his responsibility though. I think he is paying her rent by holding out hope he can win her back this way but he keeps feeling like he is pushing her farther away somehow. whats your thoughts? Keep paying her rent or stop?

 

[th1b.taylor]

If he has paid her rent for six or more months he should stop it. He has demonstrated his sincere desire and she has rebuked him. He has the need to continue paying the Child Support, the court will eat him alive if he doesn´t and she follows through.

 

[Mike]

Just for clarification...

He's 30.
She's 24 or 25.
The were married when he was 18.
So...
She was 14 or 15 when she married him?

I know there are some who advocate early marriage, but I have to wonder if this has something to do with her (I'll say it) irresponsible, immature and un-biblical decisions now. They are both Christians, so I'm assuming they have the same home church. Has their pastor been brought in to minister to this situation? It seems to me that she needs someone who she respects the spiritual leadership of to show her how she is not making wise decisions.

You've mentioned nothing about abuse, so it sounds like she just got bored and isn't interested in being his wife any longer. Or I hate to say it, but it seems almost always, when someone does this, they have another on the side. I pray this isn't the case.

I would say he should not be bound to pay for her rent unless it is short-term with a certain plan to return home to her family where she belongs. She should come home now, but if this is a middle-ground she will agree to, personally I would agree to it.

Sorry about your friend. I'm experiencing something very similar with a friend, but your friend seems to be a much more innocent party. Prayers.

 

[reba]

We cant leave the kids out..... Is he putting a roof over the kids head?

With out kids i would not pay her rent..... Kids make things different....he truly needs to get a lawyer

If she is using him this way he needs to make sure he has a record of child support payments made. She thinks she is on her own? She is not on her own if he is paying the rent who is she trying to kid?

 

[JohnEboy1983]

The were married when he was 18.

So...
She was 14 or 15 when she married him?

Re-read please. i said he married her when she was 18.

They are both Christians, so I'm assuming they have the same home church. Has their pastor been brought in to minister to this situation? It seems to me that she needs someone who she respects the spiritual leadership of to show her how she is not making wise decisions.

They have both talked to their pastor, not sure exactly what was brought up though.

You've mentioned nothing about abuse, so it sounds like she just got bored and isn't interested in being his wife any longer. Or I hate to say it, but it seems almost always, when someone does this, they have another on the side. I pray this isn't the case.

Its possible there may be some sort of abuse whether small or great, in fact I am willing to bet its highly likely. I do know that he told me that she is afraid of him hurting her. Its also possible she may have somebody on the side who is giving her the attention she wants. He worked to support the family while she was stay at home mom because thats what they believe is biblical, but at some point she got her own job. I am not sure if its because she moved out or if she just wanted to work afterall.

I would say he should not be bound to pay for her rent unless it is short-term with a certain plan to return home to her family where she belongs. She should come home now, but if this is a middle-ground she will agree to, personally I would agree to it.

Sorry about your friend. I'm experiencing something very similar with a friend, but your friend seems to be a much more innocent party. Prayers.

Well, he has admitted he messed up before and there are trust issues involved for some reason but I dont believe any infidelity was commited while they were together. He admits to anger issues so I am sure that is a huge part of it. I dont believe he is completely innocent, but I also know there is two people involved in a relationship so both of them may have contributed to whatever happened one way or another. He definitely keeps praying and is hoping things will work out though. Told me lately he has been struggling with wanting to be with random women just to feel them... not sure exactly what he means though.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

We cant leave the kids out..... Is he putting a roof over the kids head?

With out kids i would not pay her rent..... Kids make things different....he truly needs to get a lawyer

If she is using him this way he needs to make sure he has a record of child support payments made. She thinks she is on her own? She is not on her own if he is paying the rent who is she trying to kid?<!-- google_ad_section_end -->

Definitely he is putting a roof over their heads because she would probably have to find other means of living if he didnt pay rent, but that leaves his living condition bad where he has to live with roomates and very cheaply. As far as the lawyer i dont know if thats a real good idea right now since they arent actually getting divorced and if he did for some reason I am not so sure that would be a good idea to let her know about it or it may make her anger grow even more against him. I honestly dont believe my friend is innocent by any means, but he keeps repeating how much he wants to work things out. He believes if she wasnt a christian she would allready have divorced him, so my thought is maybe she is just fine living this way where they are still married but she can live like they arent just so she doesnt feel like she is going to sin. Maybe she is pushing him so he initiates a divorce, I have no idea. He also told me that she told him that she said they got married for all the wrong reasons which i disagreed with.

 

[handy]

Until they are divorced...he has a responsibility to take care of not only the kids, but her as well, since she's his wife.

She says there is no future with him...but at the same time, she hasn't divorced him either. I think this sounds hopeful for a reconciliation.

If you think that abuse is "highly likely" then it sounds as if your friend needs to get a handle on his anger issues. Perhaps if his wife sees him doing everything he can to be a better husband...he'll be able to woo her back. But, this means walking the walk...not just talking a bunch of talk. It's classic for an abuser to do everything he can to sweet talk the woman back...and then go right back to abusing her. If he can truly get a handle on the anger and the abuse...since she's a Christian, perhaps she'll go back.