what to do with my 30 yrs unemployed brother ?

[addonai]

I wish not to judge him, and I always have avoided ever saying any harsh word to him, or behind his back, I never gossiped bad things about my brother. And I hate the fact, that he's still 30 yrs , and still unemployed, and that I had to say to him what would be perceived as harsh and judgmental, where I had to point out his flaws and where's he's failing and constantly sabotaging himself.

I do not want to judge him, neither it will ever be my intention. I always was trying to be understanding from his perception, to understand his struggles and temptations, and I really do, and always advised him so, and he appreciated my advices.

But time has come, that he truly is lazy, and have victim mindset, avoids work, and whenever he have to work harder he's complaining how hard it is, always find excuses why he couldn't do something, and someone else had to do it for him, while he watches other do it he's talking how he wish he could do that.. I mean, I've always noticed that, but feel like my parents were enabling to him, while to me they were harsh. Like when I was growing up, I couldn't play games on PC, while him could all day, on family PC he declared his. And now, it seems tables turned.. I'm more knowledgeable than him, stronger, better looking.. and he's now out of shape, just because he doesn't put any effort, but like he's waiting someone else to do work for him. While I in hard work, prayed to God, not to end up homeless, and all my hard work to go to nothing... I never told anyone those prayers and my self-doubts, but I know if he heard them, he would say "that I shouldn't pray that, I should stop pushing myself that hard". But I don't know any other way to push myself other than hardest I can, because I don't want to end up unemployed like him, even though I put a lot of hard work, unlike him who really expects others to do work for him.

He never stayed in job longer than 6 months. He's got truck driving license, but he's doing nothing with it. He wants to go to big trucks immediately, because he doesn't like work conditions in jobs with smaller trucks or van. But if he worked with smaller trucks, he would get paid at least. How is it possible that he doesn't want to work due to bad working conditions. How he doesn't feel shame for being 30yrs, and have no social life, but still live off parents...

My parents don't give him money, he's just sitting in home, eating and sleeping, and browsing. He doesn't even have good PC. How he doesn't feel burning desire to change, to put up with all hell it takes, just to get through it, to work hard.
He still doesn't show that desire to work hard.

I'm gonna finish college, and he's still a loser basically. It's true.

I'm so saddened that my oldest brother is still unemployed, and he got opportunities, but those opportunities required hard work in order to keep the job and improve. And he didn't worked hard enough, and in some cases, he just gave up, because he said "it's not job for me". But you can't choose ideal job, up to your checklist what you like to do. In job, many employees work other people jobs, it's nature of all jobs.
He got bad money management, he once got good truck company, he got probation period, but he screwed it up again, by complaining about his work schedule. Spent too much money on food in restaurants, which was just too pricey for him at a time of life.

I promised myself that I will work hard, without complaining until I get job myself, and I will shut down any complaining in myself, and just get required experience, be thankful for opportunity to get money, and grow in career.
I can't instill that mindset in him. I'm not sure if he truly understands consequences of his choices.


This country is not West, jobs are scarce, if parents throw him out of house he will be destitute and hardly get another chance of having any respectable job, because truly he have nothing left in life as well. Parents think about sending him to psychiatric hospital (because he throws tantrums, when you directly confront him, that parents can't continue to forever like this).

Oooh, how simple solution it is, he just need to work and work hard without complaints.
I told him multiple times, I was sometimes harsh and realistic, how his odds are, and still he complains about much stuff always. I wouldn't complain.. In fact, when I finish college, I won't complain, if I get job in programming, so I could advance my career in that which I worked hard for, I would be thankful and stay silent. So I can get more stable after 3-4 years in same company.

And yet, my oldest brother would complain "how you can stay at single company for too long"..
Well, I don't mind staying 5 years or even 10 years. If I got nice pay, that's fine for me. As I'm gonna work job I love, and know I avoided alternatives worked so hard to avoid.



How do we push my oldest brother to get a job ? He won't accept job in factory, because that's where most people can get hired even for high school, which is only what he have. He dropped out of college, didn't wanted to learn.. he never worked hard enough, even if it felt like hell.. I did, even if it felt like hell, and it still does, I will go through hell of hard work, in order to accomplish this. Apparently that's too hard for him..

 

[Hopeful 2]

I wish not to judge him, and I always have avoided ever saying any harsh word to him, or behind his back, I never gossiped bad things about my brother. And I hate the fact, that he's still 30 yrs , and still unemployed, and that I had to say to him what would be perceived as harsh and judgmental, where I had to point out his flaws and where's he's failing and constantly sabotaging himself.

I do not want to judge him, neither it will ever be my intention. I always was trying to be understanding from his perception, to understand his struggles and temptations, and I really do, and always advised him so, and he appreciated my advices.

But time has come, that he truly is lazy, and have victim mindset, avoids work, and whenever he have to work harder he's complaining how hard it is, always find excuses why he couldn't do something, and someone else had to do it for him, while he watches other do it he's talking how he wish he could do that.. I mean, I've always noticed that, but feel like my parents were enabling to him, while to me they were harsh. Like when I was growing up, I couldn't play games on PC, while him could all day, on family PC he declared his. And now, it seems tables turned.. I'm more knowledgeable than him, stronger, better looking.. and he's now out of shape, just because he doesn't put any effort, but like he's waiting someone else to do work for him. While I in hard work, prayed to God, not to end up homeless, and all my hard work to go to nothing... I never told anyone those prayers and my self-doubts, but I know if he heard them, he would say "that I shouldn't pray that, I should stop pushing myself that hard". But I don't know any other way to push myself other than hardest I can, because I don't want to end up unemployed like him, even though I put a lot of hard work, unlike him who really expects others to do work for him.

He never stayed in job longer than 6 months. He's got truck driving license, but he's doing nothing with it. He wants to go to big trucks immediately, because he doesn't like work conditions in jobs with smaller trucks or van. But if he worked with smaller trucks, he would get paid at least. How is it possible that he doesn't want to work due to bad working conditions. How he doesn't feel shame for being 30yrs, and have no social life, but still live off parents...

My parents don't give him money, he's just sitting in home, eating and sleeping, and browsing. He doesn't even have good PC. How he doesn't feel burning desire to change, to put up with all hell it takes, just to get through it, to work hard.
He still doesn't show that desire to work hard.

I'm gonna finish college, and he's still a loser basically. It's true.

I'm so saddened that my oldest brother is still unemployed, and he got opportunities, but those opportunities required hard work in order to keep the job and improve. And he didn't worked hard enough, and in some cases, he just gave up, because he said "it's not job for me". But you can't choose ideal job, up to your checklist what you like to do. In job, many employees work other people jobs, it's nature of all jobs.
He got bad money management, he once got good truck company, he got probation period, but he screwed it up again, by complaining about his work schedule. Spent too much money on food in restaurants, which was just too pricey for him at a time of life.

I promised myself that I will work hard, without complaining until I get job myself, and I will shut down any complaining in myself, and just get required experience, be thankful for opportunity to get money, and grow in career.
I can't instill that mindset in him. I'm not sure if he truly understands consequences of his choices.


This country is not West, jobs are scarce, if parents throw him out of house he will be destitute and hardly get another chance of having any respectable job, because truly he have nothing left in life as well. Parents think about sending him to psychiatric hospital (because he throws tantrums, when you directly confront him, that parents can't continue to forever like this).

Oooh, how simple solution it is, he just need to work and work hard without complaints.
I told him multiple times, I was sometimes harsh and realistic, how his odds are, and still he complains about much stuff always. I wouldn't complain.. In fact, when I finish college, I won't complain, if I get job in programming, so I could advance my career in that which I worked hard for, I would be thankful and stay silent. So I can get more stable after 3-4 years in same company.

And yet, my oldest brother would complain "how you can stay at single company for too long"..
Well, I don't mind staying 5 years or even 10 years. If I got nice pay, that's fine for me. As I'm gonna work job I love, and know I avoided alternatives worked so hard to avoid.



How do we push my oldest brother to get a job ? He won't accept job in factory, because that's where most people can get hired even for high school, which is only what he have. He dropped out of college, didn't wanted to learn.. he never worked hard enough, even if it felt like hell.. I did, even if it felt like hell, and it still does, I will go through hell of hard work, in order to accomplish this. Apparently that's too hard for him..

You can't do anything to make up for what your parents have tolerated since your brother was a youngster.
Let it go !

 

[addonai]

You can't do anything to make up for what your parents have tolerated since your brother was a youngster.
Let it go !

but even they are frustrated with him, and don't know what to do anymore.

I mean true, parents mistake in past, is there anything parents can do anymore to fix this ?
I mean, they can't change his character now for sure, he will break things and blame parents to his upbringing (yet another blaming on all parents fault..).


True, out of my heart, this is what they've deserved, both parents and him as well. I remember all that humiliation from him when I was a kid, and parents never cared. This is consequences of it.
I, deserve my own life, my own choices.

And even today, this brother still acts manipulative towards me, it's like he's became some parent's figure ? worser than father he's complaining so much against. He's allowing his anger to get over him.
You know, it's like he doesn't see me as growing adult, who also have interest in adult stuff.

I cut off contact with him. He's too toxic, and I always clash with him. Last time we texted, I told him harsh reality. I would be ashamed to be berated by youngest brother in family. The youngest who was humiliated so much, and never taken seriously. Now, I have more wisdom than parents, as clearly they've been absent in our growing years, and now trying to fix it.


And even though I don't keep grudges, because I forgive, still I wouldn't help him when I get employeed and on my own home.. I've let him ofc. It's not my job to help him, if he refuses to work hard enough.

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi iwll42
There is nothing any of you can do to light a fire under your brother. Your parents are enabling him and as long as they do he will stay right where he is in life as they provide for his needs of a home and food in his belly. he will not always have mom and dad around and after they have passed then he will either be forced to get a job or become homeless. I know you love your brother, but you need to get along with your own life as he is not about to change.

 

[addonai]

Hi iwll42
There is nothing any of you can do to light a fire under your brother. Your parents are enabling him and as long as they do he will stay right where he is in life as they provide for his needs of a home and food in his belly. he will not always have mom and dad around and after they have passed then he will either be forced to get a job or become homeless. I know you love your brother, but you need to get along with your own life as he is not about to change.

True. I agree that I can't help him financially if he's always take adventage of it.
As painful it is, I will need to leave him that way. Painful, because I understand I'm not better than him, and know I can be homeless, and try to be understanding.

But, he's gotta learn it hard way then, to fully bear consequences of his daydreaming and living in fantasy..

 

[Hopeful 2]

but even they are frustrated with him, and don't know what to do anymore.

I mean true, parents mistake in past, is there anything parents can do anymore to fix this ?
I mean, they can't change his character now for sure, he will break things and blame parents to his upbringing (yet another blaming on all parents fault..).


True, out of my heart, this is what they've deserved, both parents and him as well. I remember all that humiliation from him when I was a kid, and parents never cared. This is consequences of it.
I, deserve my own life, my own choices.

And even today, this brother still acts manipulative towards me, it's like he's became some parent's figure ? worser than father he's complaining so much against. He's allowing his anger to get over him.
You know, it's like he doesn't see me as growing adult, who also have interest in adult stuff.

I cut off contact with him. He's too toxic, and I always clash with him. Last time we texted, I told him harsh reality. I would be ashamed to be berated by youngest brother in family. The youngest who was humiliated so much, and never taken seriously. Now, I have more wisdom than parents, as clearly they've been absent in our growing years, and now trying to fix it.


And even though I don't keep grudges, because I forgive, still I wouldn't help him when I get employeed and on my own home.. I've let him ofc. It's not my job to help him, if he refuses to work hard enough.

You can't fix it.
You can quit accommodating it.

 

[miamited]

Hi iwll42

Well honestly, there's only one way out of this if he won't voluntarily leave. If they're able, they can get him a very cheap apartment and perhaps pay 2 month's rent. Next time he wants a ride somewhere you leave him. When he calls to find out where you are, you tell him that you're at home and he's not welcome there any longer. You do not go to get him under any circumstances. In other words you force him to accept the consequences of his life choice. You leave him with nothing.

If you did get him a place, then you can give him the address and tell him that' you'll be taking all of his stuff over there. If you have a third party that you can involve, then you have them take the boxes to his new place. Then he's on his own from there.

It will be tough and it will hurt.

God bless,
Ted

 

[miamited]

Hi again iwll42

Consider that even God says that if a man doesn't work, then he doesn't eat.

God bless,
Ted

 

[Josef]

Hey All,
Have you considered that your brother may have a psychological issue iwll42?
There are people who are afraid to leave the house.
Has anyone thought to have your brother psychologically evaluated?
This is not normal behavior.
Maybe there is a medical, or psychological reason for why it is occuring.
Just a thought.

Keep walking everybody.
May God bless,
Taz

 

[Who Me]

I wish not to judge him

Be honest you have and you are judging him. That is natural and you are also making a right judgement. ( don't get taking in by the false teaching that Christians should not judge people.)

There are a minimum of two things you can do.
1 support your parents.
2. Be a good example to your brother.

If he is Christian you can remind him of Paul's commands
2 Thess 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”
Ephesians 4:28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

Your parents will bare the brunt of his moods etc, so be supportive of them, while also encouraging him to persevere with what ever work he has.

 

[Prycejosh1987]

I do not want to judge him, neither it will ever be my intention. I always was trying to be understanding from his perception, to understand his struggles and temptations, and I really do, and always advised him so, and he appreciated my advices.

Maybe you have the right intentions but are communicating it wrong. It does sound like you appear to be judging him. Support comes as acceptance but the willingness to help him change. Maybe depression has gotten to him. Maybe he is just fed up of failures. Just keeping giving him advice and praying for him.