Who does this!?!

[handy]

So my best friend's kids are adopted as well, but they adopted their kids through open adoptions with the birth mothers. They paid all the hospital costs, adoption costs, lawyer fees and were at the births of their kids and took the kids home from the hospitals.

Both kids has since gotten into contact with their birth mothers. Their son's birth mother is pretty much a grifter. After she tried to finagle $500 bucks out of him, he cut off contact with her, but he does maintain contact with his half sister.

Their daughter's birth mother was different. She's a para-legal and co-owns a house with her parents. When they reunited the b-mom and grandparents all came over to where my bff lives and they all went out to lunch. This was early last summer. Later in the summer, they asked if "K" could come and spend the weekend with them...they live about 2 hours from my bff. After having a meeting with just the adults, where my friend and her husband really went over their rules and values and expectations for their kids, they allowed "K" to go.

Then, last November, they asked permission to take her to Hawaii where they own a time share. This time they'd be gone for a week. This was a difficult decision for my bff and her husband, but in the end they decided that to allow her to go.

When she got back, she was rather depressed. The trip to Hawaii was awesome, but she came back swearing up and down how glad she was that she had them for parents and that she was really glad to be home. All good.

At this time, "K" was in a long-distance relationship with a 19 year old soldier. She's 16. Her parents were OK with it, as long as they understood no sex, which was easy enough since they live in California and he's stationed in North Carolina. He asked permission to come out during Christmas and spend time with her, and permission was granted under the rules that he wasn't allowed to spend the night. He came, and they took some day trips together, and he gave her a "promise" ring, promising that they would seriously consider marriage once she graduated and he got out of the military.

My friends impressed upon both of them to behave themselves, but they don't believe in chaperoning. I suggested it at the time, that they should just plan on him spending time with the family, but they did allow them to go to Santa Cruz together, just the two of them.

Well, they broke up (surprise, surprise) and "K" has been devastated. She's been devastated, depressed...far beyond what most 16 year old's experience when breaking up with boyfriends...he wasn't her first boyfriend by a long shot and we've all been very concerned about her.

Come to find out...

When her birth mother and birth grandparents took her to Hawaii, they also took her to Planned Parenthood and had her get the 3 month birth control shot.

And, since she was on birth control, she felt secure enough to have sex with her boyfriend at his motel rather than go to Santa Cruz.

Now, instead of getting married, like she thought the "promise ring" meant...she's basically feeling like yesterday's used Kleenex. Not only that, once the three months were up and her body was no longer on the birth control, something started happening with her monthly cycle. With her monthly cycle all out of whack, she's been very afraid that she has something wrong with her, and she didn't want to tell her parents, because they would then find out what her birthmother had done. But, she's been having problems since April and it's gotten so bad and she's been so worried that she finally spilled the beans. Thankfully!

I don't fault "K" too much. Oh, she is responsible for her actions all right. She knew darn well she was doing wrong, but at the same time the pressure today for kids to have sex is pretty bad. She was the only one in her circle of friends who was still a virgin and her friends did a pretty good job of convincing her that if she didn't have sex with her boyfriend when he was out last Christmas, she'd lose him.

What I can't get over is the unmitigated gall of her birthmother and grandparents in taking another person's child down to Planned Parenthood and putting her on birth control without letting her parent's know. When my bff called the birthmother about it, she actually said that the meant to tell her, but just didn't have time.

I've talked with "K" and I asked her if she thought she would have had sex with her boyfriend if she wasn't on the birth control and she was pretty adamant that she wouldn't have. Her lack of being on birth control was what kept her from having sex with her other boyfriends. Her parents had always told her that if she wanted to go on birth control, she would have to get that done herself...they were not going to compromise their faith and values in this way, and they encouraged her not to. She is a Christian girl herself and taking the step to actually get birth control was too much of a compromise for her.

But, according to her, when her birth mother and grandparents found out that she wasn't on birth control and that she had a boyfriend, they more or less pressured her into going to PP. All three of them sat her down the first night they were together and talked over with her the huge risk she was taking not being on bc and that she really needed to do it. They got her 2400 miles away from home and the three of them hammered her about it. For her own good, of course. This was after they had met with my bff and her hubby and assured them that they would never, ever usurp their authority or undermine the values that they were raising "K" with.

Unbelievable. ...and the sad thing is, I bet there are plenty who will say that, while they shouldn't have gone behind "K"s parent's back's, it's understandable that they would do this for her own good...

 

[Rhea]

Wow. Wrong and serious overreach. While we disagree completely on ideas of sexuality and sexuality education (I'm guessing), the way you've described this is a complete breach by the non-parental family. I say it that way because "birth family" seems to convey a relationship that IMO was relinquished at birth.

I (personally) hope K is able to see that her worth is completely unchanged because of this and her worth to a future husband IS NOT LESS. She may regret her decision terribly, but I hope she never starts to think that she is "damaged goods" and the depression and self-destruction that can come from that. That would be a further damage to her, IMO, that is so preventable.

 

[handy]

Well, I would disagree that she's "completely unchanged" I mean, come on, didn't your sexual experiences, especially the first, change you? Sure did me...

But, I had quite a long talk with her as well, and we are all assuring her that she isn't yesterday's used Kleenex or damaged goods or anything like that. I compared it to a "hard lesson learned" but also told her it's the "hard lessons" in life that tend to develop us the most as people.

The sad thing about the sex part of it is...she told both her mom and me that it wasn't all that good. She tried to pretend she liked it for his sake, but she really was let down about the whole thing...sex having been built up to her as the "end all, be all experience in life"...which all of us more mature types know that it isn't.

I did tell her that, under the right circumstances and with the right guy, sex is indeed pretty great...but the right circumstances are hard to create when one is 16, with a guy one doesn't really even know (they had only met in person once before, their 3 months of "dating" was via Skype and texting), and done when lying to one's loved ones.

The truly serious damage her is a: to her relationship with her birth mother. It had been going well, and a healthy relationship with one's birth mother, even if she isn't the real mom, is important. The damage here is pretty profound, after all she caused this young woman to not only compromise the values her parents instilled in her...she also compromised herself, because she held those values as well. This all being done the way it was done...taking her 2400 miles away from home and then more or less ganging up on her in a "loving" we're-doing-this-for-your-own-good" way. Kids who are put up for adoption by their birth mothers, even for the best of reasons, already feel a sense of betrayal, and now that sense of betrayal has been compounded.

And then there's b: The trouble she is now having with her periods. She always was perfectly normal since starting back when she was 12...now missed periods, spotting, cramping....and it's been almost 6 months since the shot wore off. Her mom has a doctor's appointment later today to have her get examined and also be tested for std's because even though they did use a condom, she's pretty sure they swapped some fluid anyway. Another thing that's been worrying to her.

 

[Rhea]

I (personally) hope K is able to see that her worth is completely unchanged because of this and her worth to a future husband IS NOT LESS.

Well, I would disagree that she's "completely unchanged" I mean, come on, didn't your sexual experiences, especially the first, change you? Sure did me...

The operative word there was "worth".
My WORTH was completely unchanged by any sexual experience I have ever had.

 

[handy]

The operative word there was "worth".
My WORTH was completely unchanged by any sexual experience I have ever had.

That I can agree with!

 

[jasoncran]

:helplovely, i dont look forward to these talks with my grandson if he hasnt had one of these talks yet.

i regret my dumb decision at the age of 20 to loose my virginity.it robbed me of that pleasure with my wife alone. women tend to be more clingly and think that if they give in they will keep the man, when in fact its the opposite. i also had that tendency after i lost mine.

 

[Christ_empowered]

How sad. I think younger guys do this sort of thing after sleeping with someone. I can kind of see why the birth mother would want her kid on birth control. I mean, she had a kid, probably at a young age, and she probably thought her kid might make the same mistake. She shouldn't have done this, but I see where she's coming from.

Its good that you all are being supportive of this young woman. And you're right--sometimes those hard lessons are the ones that really teach us a lesson, mold us into the people we should be.

 

[reba]

At this time, "K" was in a long-distance relationship with a 19 year old soldier. She's 16. Her parents were OK with it, as long as they understood no sex, which was easy enough

Remembering the phrase Jail Bait.

 

[jasoncran]

Remembering the phrase Jail Bait.

yes, if this is the person i remember telling dora that he is taking a big risk. the military is way more heavy on soldiers who do that. if she is pregnant and the mother wanted to charge him with a crime. the military would oblidge and if convicted he will see leavonworth and a dishonorable discharge.

i dont have the mcm to too see where that falls under and of course the court martial could go lenient , but i doubt that. agian while i am an mp I AM NOT A JAG OFFICER NOR LAWYER.

 

[reba]

Woke up thinking about this ....

That B-mom gave that child up twice. I respect the first time.

The guilt the parents are carrying is so sad. Praying they can over come it.

Chaperone is/was great idea.. Little late now but i do hope this girls parents dont just give up. With this in the open the girls cycle may relax.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PP had no business despencing meds to a minor. Why o why do folks think the way they do... Why not teach some self control?... Seems too many parents stop teaching any form of self control after potty training. I do not believe the B mother had the girls best interest at heart. Take the easy way out. hide our heads in the sand pretend there is no harm, if we say there is no harm then it is so.

My heart is so broken for the parents... Our society say trust 'them' the kids need to trust the parents not the parents trusting the kids....Keeping an open line of communication today means " i can call my mom any name and do what i want as long as i tell the b.....

My friend was lecturing her daughter about lying. The phone rang she did not wish to be interrupted. She told the other daughter "tell'em i not home'. I held my tongue tell later... Self control, honesty, matter.

Some folks think deception is ok if they feel/think the out come is worth it. Sorta like the better good through lying/deception..

I am sure glad my baby is 44 years old......Many things hind sight has taught me...

 

[jasoncran]

sorry. i'm 38, and i know my mom and dad have thought that a time or two with all four of us.

 

[handy]

yes, if this is the person i remember telling dora that he is taking a big risk. the military is way more heavy on soldiers who do that. if she is pregnant and the mother wanted to charge him with a crime. the military would oblidge and if convicted he will see leavonworth and a dishonorable discharge.

i dont have the mcm to too see where that falls under and of course the court martial could go lenient , but i doubt that. agian while i am an mp I AM NOT A JAG OFFICER NOR LAWYER.

Yes, her folks could pursue charges against him but they're not going to and I don't think they should either.

This is the same girl who, when she was 14, was convinced by her 21 year old church youth group leader to send pictures of herself to him without her shirt on. They did pursue charges against him...the police were able to get the text records and it was clear how he groomed and manipulated her (and she was only 14 at the time) into doing it. They went through the whole court proceedings and it was rough and rough on "K". Finally, the guy was nailed and sentenced.

But, here's the thing...the church stood behind the guy...refusing to remove him from his position at the church until after he was convicted. Since the church seems to turn a blind eye to gossip, the story got out and "K" was treated like scum by people that were there when she was dedicated as a baby. My friends left the church...the church they were married in, the church they raised the kids in, the church they attended for close to 30 years. I'm still scratching my head as to why the church leadership chose to stand behind the "youth leader" but they did.

The turmoil and stress of those years took a lot out of the whole family....ain't no way are they going to want to go down that road again.

This 19 year old guy...totally different situation. He is no pedophile, grooming and manipulating young girls. He and "K" are within three years of age of each other and they were both convinced that they were very much in love and when they found themselves alone together in his motel room, things happened.

Really, and not to kick my best friend down, as a parent, I would never in a million years allow my underage daughter and a 19 year old guy who are goopy "in love" and have a motel room at their disposal to go off alone together for an entire day....this is just as much the fault of the parents as it is of "K" or the soldier boy.

I don't think the sex is the most damaging thing here. It's sad that she compromised herself and didn't feel good about it and therefore ruined what could be and should be one of the most special moments in life...but OK, she's no longer a virgin...not exactly a fate worse than death. She and her future husband will have to deal with it, but there are so many now who marry who have prior sexual experiences...who is to say that her future husband will be a virgin either. Now that she's no longer lying and hiding, she'll begin to heal and yes, Reba, I do hope her cycle will right itself.


But, here's the deal...we Christians hear it all the time.."Don't you dare try to force your beliefs and values on me....Who are you to tell me how I should live my life...Don't you tell us how to raise our kids"

These are the voices that get raised any time an issue arises in which Christian values conflict with other's values in society...

...And yet, it's not the least bit illegal and even, as Christ-empowered said "understandable" (not right, but understandable) to take a Christian's child down and put her on birth control without telling them? That's not "forcing" another's beliefs and values upon the Christian? Even if "K" wasn't a Christian and wasn't trying to live her life with the same values, how is this ever anything other than outrageous.