FearAndTrembling
Member
I've recently been suffering a crisis of faith following my studies of the unforgivable sin. I'm now 26, but when I was 17 or 18, I was in a relationship with a girl, and she was holding to what I now understand to be biblical abstinence. I have counted myself a Christian for years and was baptized at this time. I immorally desired to be sexually intimate with her, and was under the influence of people on internet message boards like 4chans false teachings about the apostle Paul. I wrongly believed that much of the Bible's sexual prohibitions came from Paul. Both because I believed that Paul was not a rightful part of the Bible, and because I was filled with evil lust, I told my girlfriend that I thought Paul probably didn't belong in the Bible and was a later addition which didn't match with Jesus' teachings. I understand how ridiculous this sounds, since Jesus also condemned sexual immorality, but I digress. This did not end up leading to us doing anything, and she retained her virginity, but years later I heard she became an atheist. I worry that by saying I disbelieved Paul I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit and God has forsaken me. Eternal damnation is bad enough but I feel like I have betrayed the King I love with finality and that he doesn't want me back. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I didn't even cry when I learned my dad committed suicide. It feels like all my worldly experiences and family relationships are for naught. I so desperately want to get back in God's good graces and to live as an organ of the Christian church body, but I feel like going back would make me a fraud. I'm not suicidal but life seems to have lost it's luster. Am I too late to be saved?
Edit: I've also struggled continuously with pornography and on occasion have even thought what I was doing was wrong before I did it, but used porn anyway. I think this is a serious sin which I also struggle with, but it does not seem as worrisome as what I've previously mentioned.
Edit: I've also struggled continuously with pornography and on occasion have even thought what I was doing was wrong before I did it, but used porn anyway. I think this is a serious sin which I also struggle with, but it does not seem as worrisome as what I've previously mentioned.
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