[__ Prayer __] yeah...more on -gratitude- ...

[Christ_empowered]

i do whine a lot. lol. sorry :-( truth? I think...well, I -know- I had -very serious- physical health problems. not that its all everybody else's fault, blah blah blah, but...not fun, to put it mildly. looked 25 by 20, expected to have "6 months left to live!" by 23, involuntary shock 'treatments,' on and on and on, and...

well, I could have gone to -prison- . all my fault? nah, not really. I ended up getting stuff tossed. small town, police brutality, police staged the scene...wouldn't have mattered without the combo of my long suffering parents and my very serious health probs. and...

ok. so, i may never get a j-o-b, much less a j-o-b that would allow me to support myself. hey, guess what? i don't work, now, can't work, and...i don't live in real poverty. not living large, but my forgiving, long suffering, now well to do parents see real need, and they're making a safe(r) space for me, in this crazy, fallen world.

people pick at me, incessantly. like i said, i looked 25 at 20. im 36 now. i look younger than my age, so people say "he's 38, got a laser peel!" ok. would I rather...be prematurely aged, again? look my age? get serious. who wants wrinkles?

"Schizophrenia" is not a fun thing. I don't know if its even a valid entity...it seems like more of a social role and a legal designation. oh well. Where do many (most?) "Schizophrenics" who cannot support themselves and alienated their loved ones go? prison, skid row. where am I? neither of those, that's for sure.

i dunno. 'wise as serpents, innocent as doves...' I think I am seeing the world more clearly, in Christ. I am increasingly...wait for it, wait for it...grateful. going over to the parents later today, for a high quality Sunday meal. dad and I will probably do a lil fishing outing soon, once I stop feeling gross from 2nd shot of Pfizer.

upstairs neighbors --stomped-- , i mean viciously, right over my bedroom, it was clearly deliberate...so, what??? there was that time there was excrement on my front area. i -hope- it was animal. no matter. i had some disinfectant spray, gloves...gone, gone, gone. people -do- openly talk about my HIV+ status, how "he's gettin' azt from the health department, shouldn't have been promiscuous," blah blah blah. truth? maybe I -should- have gotten azt...15, 16 years ago? no one offered referral, talked over my options...I was wretch and a burn out, plus all that shock...

oh well. no treatment offered, none received...I'm actually healthy, now. how about some gratitude, dude? lol. but seriously...

thank you all for your ongoing prayers, support, replies, encouragement, etc. my parents are -so- good to me. Its The Lord's work in -our lives- , because...gasp...they matter, too. i am harassed, times. it happens. I will say its often not what people say, its...the creepy, kind of ominous sense of oppression, you know? that makes me think its a spiritual thing. maybe it always is? always was?

above all else...I Praise The Lord for His mercy, grace, and Love. oh, and patience.

 

[Tessa]

It may help you to get a new interest CE
It would take your mind off all these things.
Praying for you.

 

[Truthfrees]

praying for increasingly better things

 

[Christ_empowered]

i was going to breeze into a chain, discount grocery store...

in my vehicle, kinda iffy about it...overheard some kinda redneck-y sounding dude say 'upper class pretentions. judge took pity on him,' and...yeah, ok. decided against a trip. wimpy? maybe, but I'm actually stocked, I was just having a craving for some items they offer at low, low prices. oh well.

ugh. rough: being given heavy-handed shock 'treatments' and then expected to somehow 'pick yourself up by your boot straps!,' while also dealing with -very real- physical health problems that ordinarily would have been fatal, a good time ago. Blessing: The Lord spared me, brought me out, now I"m remarkably physically healthy and I don't have to "pick myself up by your (my) bootstraps!," and...

-conflict- : my parents were apparently "supposed to be fired from ()!" (well educated, white collar jobs; they started as more working class, now they're in the well to do territory). blessing: well, they were not fired. both were promoted, etc....and mama got to retire from a toxic work environment and move on with her life, amen.

"he got a laser peel" ok, I don't care if people get cosmetic surgery. my dad's cousin...he's got mega-$$$, good man, Born Again...a couple of his kids have gotten their faces 'done,' surgically. i think they went for subtle? thing is...

not in the budget for me, now or ever. so...that leads to Blessing: somehow, despite having been sickly from 10 or 11 onwards, all sorts of sins, etc...I look noticeably younger than most 36 year old men, and I -definitely- look vastly improved over where I was in the depths of my mess, years ago.

when I went to get the 2nd shot of the covid-vaccination series (note: I'd seriously recommend gatorade, pedialite, anything to (re)hydrate after the shot....), some locals were talking about me..."he's not a man" and/or "I'd beat him up if it wasn't for his family," and...blah blah blah. on my way out, some dude was staring at me, kinda hard, in the parking lot...not just my perception, it was...I've experienced far, far worse, but it was uncomfortable.

i dunno...the most obvious solution would be to -move- , but I have moved. I was out of state for about 2 years. people came after me (no, really..not just paranoia...long, sad story...). at least here, I can be chronically unemployed and yet...live a decent, modest lifestyle, be close (physically and otherwise) to my loving, long suffering, kind parents, and...and...

i dunno. oh, and..."he got plugs" I had bad hair loss, irreversible (mix of male pattern hair loss and inflammation-driven balding...combo=little, if any regrowth), and now i have very thick hair. so, again: The Lord has seen fit to be merciful towards me. I Praise The Lord for His (agape) love, and not just over the obvious blessing, but also for sparing me and calling me to repentance, blessing my parents, and...and...

? i dunno. -no one- put up with me for a good, long while there. did i mention the HIV+? I'm (somehow) remarkably healthy, now, but...my oh my, I had "he's dying of AIDS" written all over me for a couple years there in my early 20s. then, when I was living at home with my (long suffering, kind, hard working) parents, they'd sometimes...drop comments, here and there...that let me know they considered me 'dirty' and 'old' ugh. :-(

but...'washed and made clean,' as only The Lord can, amen.

rambling...God is Good. God is Love. I just...ugh. ugh. mostly, its under the breath put downs and stuff, from people I do not recognize and do not interact with, which is...strange, really. the threats and talk of violence are disconcerting, no doubt...I actually have been attacked, hit on the head with a pipe while -very, very- obviously physically sick, etc.

blah blah blah...God is merciful, thank goodness. I just... need friends, I think. real time friends. but I'm so stigmatized and labeled and...???? i have a friendly acquaintance who keeps in touch, but I think a lot of that is just...me as a 2nd tier friend, behind her cool friends. cannot complain too much, its all long distance, anyway. I just...want a friend or two, locally, but then I read these depressing stats, like 1 in 4 US residents don't even have -1- real friend, confidant. too much work, disintegrated families and communities, churches....on a good day, I think they try?

blah blah blah...I pray for His perfect will for -me- , and I praise Him for His work in my life, especially in the 8 years or so since I came to -truly- Know Jesus.