Advice on how to deal with brother

[gfxintc]

I recently starting learning about the Word and going to church and bible study. Although my faith isn't as strong, I would like to say I'm a growing Christian.

Now recently, I live with my older brother who has dubbed himself "agnostic." He grew up as a Christian and knows the Word better than I do, (since I just started). We are all grown adults here, I'm 25, he's 35.
When I invite him to church, he tells me, "I will only go when I see you change."
Now I will admit I do have an abrasive attitude, but I would like to defend that that shouldn't go hand-in-hand with my faith, or am I wrong?
I know I am a kind, nice and good person - he just likes to see the "bad side" of me.

Well getting to the advice, How do I deal with someone like him? He's constantly negative, and I have a lot of patience, but he will tell me I haven't changed, and this is him seeing the bad side, too. Something that really hurt me was he called me very disrespectful names women should not be called.

We just moved to a new state together, but I'm not sure how I should deal with my older brother. Last thing I said to him was that I just won't speak to him at all. And it's been like that for a few weeks now. I know he's thinking, Christians aren't suppose to do what I'm doing.

Am I doing the right thing in not talking to him? I already told him that I love him and I forgave him and asked for him to forgive me. But he just rolled his eyes and was in complete disbelieve that I didn't mean what I said.

So currently I just don't talk to him since he is always so negative towards me. What am I to do? I feel maybe I should move out by myself and not be around his negativity? But I feel obligated in staying since we just moved, and I know he can't make it without me. Any advice?

 

[reba]

Wow your in a tuff spot....

I get the idea this is one of those turn the other cheek times.... You be who you know you should be in the Lord let the Lord work on your brother...

Because he does know the Word this will not be easy. Often it is way simpler/easier to deal with folks we dont really know...

Making a point of not speaking is not a plan avioding the battle could well be a plan.

 

[gfxintc]

Hi,
Well I'm not trying to make a point by not speaking to him.
I just told him, I won't speak to him since everything I say he turns against me or says that it's got a negative tone, etc.

SO I decide to just avoid any drama by not speaking to him. I'm not trying to make a point, I just don't know what to do with him since we are obviously bringing each other down...

 

[BornAgain]

I recently starting learning about the Word and going to church and bible study. Although my faith isn't as strong, I would like to say I'm a growing Christian.

Now recently, I live with my older brother who has dubbed himself "agnostic." He grew up as a Christian and knows the Word better than I do, (since I just started). We are all grown adults here, I'm 25, he's 35.
When I invite him to church, he tells me, "I will only go when I see you change."
Now I will admit I do have an abrasive attitude, but I would like to defend that that shouldn't go hand-in-hand with my faith, or am I wrong?
I know I am a kind, nice and good person - he just likes to see the "bad side" of me.

Well getting to the advice, How do I deal with someone like him? He's constantly negative, and I have a lot of patience, but he will tell me I haven't changed, and this is him seeing the bad side, too. Something that really hurt me was he called me very disrespectful names women should not be called.

We just moved to a new state together, but I'm not sure how I should deal with my older brother. Last thing I said to him was that I just won't speak to him at all. And it's been like that for a few weeks now. I know he's thinking, Christians aren't suppose to do what I'm doing.

Am I doing the right thing in not talking to him? I already told him that I love him and I forgave him and asked for him to forgive me. But he just rolled his eyes and was in complete disbelieve that I didn't mean what I said.

So currently I just don't talk to him since he is always so negative towards me. What am I to do? I feel maybe I should move out by myself and not be around his negativity? But I feel obligated in staying since we just moved, and I know he can't make it without me. Any advice?

I truly understand your situation as I was in a similar situation myself. This is my advice and it sounds easier that what is really is to accomplish. Just remember he is the one with the issue...you keep going to church, pray every day and ask God for strength...he will give it to you. You said you are a new Christian and situations like this only make us stronger. Pray for your brother and eventually he will see the change. He may not admit it to you and do not have any expectations that he will acknowledge your change. Change takes time and patience. You may have an influence on him or not but the more your relationship grows with God the stronger you will become and your brother may go either way. He may grow more angry toward you because he sees your strength and peace or he may respect you. It is hard to live with that...my experience was with somebody I worked with and eventually that person came. Your brother is obviously angry about something he is not sharing with you. He does know God and therefore that is good...he may say he is agnostic but deep down he knows there is a God. Keep doing what you are doing and let God take care of the rest if you put your faith in trust in Him.

 

[phi]

Be careful, according to the Bible, you're not "a kind, nice and good person". We're all sinners and bad in the core.

Keep trying to seek God's will and God's justice, but don't try to "convince" people (including your brother) to be good because you are and you have changed. The Message isn't "believe in Christ and be good". Preach your repentance for your bad deeds, and show it doesn't mean you are perfect yet. You must try to reflect Christ's compassion, love and patience; his perfection. Also, pray constantly for your brother and his heart to be broken.

Remember in Christ you are strong enough, even when it looks like that you are losing the fight with your brother. Always demonstrate love for your brother, don't try to win with world's standards, God, in His wisdom, do the work, not you.

"Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

1 Corinthians 1:22-27

God bless you.

 

[gfxintc]

This just confuses me. I know you don't know me, but I will like to say I'm a good person.

I am living with a verbally abusive man. And I know I haven't changed a lot, but I know I have changed.
I'm not trying to convince him or anything. I just want to go on and live my life peacefully.
If he needs help, I am here to help him. But I can't stand his abusive attitude torwards me, even when he tells me I shouldn't be going to church, cause to him I'm not learning anything.

So this brings me down- But I told myself I will not let him bring me down.

I don't know how to deal with a sibling who is verbally abusive. Do I just go one living the reflection of Christ's compassion, love and patience like you said and let him continue to torment me?
I need help in dealing with someone who berates me and thinks I'm his subordinate while using the WWJD against me. Do you get what I'm saying?

I know I can pray for him. Do I pray for myself for God to get me help, too?
I want to salvage our family relationship, but he his abuse too much for me. Especially when we have no one else. What do I do? Move out? I can't talk to him, because he always wants to win/be right. I'm so confused on what the right thing to do is.

 

[phi]

I'm not saying you don't behave as a good person in society, just saying we all are sinners and do/think bad things. It's the fallen man nature. And by our deeds, we deserve the wrath of God.

All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. Ephesians 2:3

Just be careful to judge you as a good person, this can make you to don't realize clearly that is by Christ that you are justified, not by your good behaviour. And you can be deceiving yourself.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

Jesus died for you, and He loves you, regardless of anything, and you don't need to add nothing to His work on the cross. I know it hurts and bother you to get tormented by your brother, But remember Jesus suffered spitting of the roman soldiers and never asked for a towel to clean His face or angels to clean it for him. And it was me and you there spitting on God's face. Also, it's your brother doing it now, whenever he tries to diminish Jesus by judging your "lack of change".

You are not your brother's subordinate. Whenever he asks you something and tries to play WWJD game, you can say no and put some limits into your relatioship with him. Don't be fool. Be humble, but be wise too.

Sure! Pray for you and ask for His strength in your life. Pray for wisdom and courage to not be your brother's puppet. If he doesn't want to talk about yours relationship, don't force it. You don't need to prove you're right for him. If you think the best will be to move out, do it. But first try to find courage in Jesus to face the situation and be a good servant of His kingdom in your family.

edit: Sorry for the poor english. :/

 

[Navigator]

My college Christian group leader posted this a while on Facebook that I really liked that speaks to the idea of good vs. bad. A lot of people tend to think that we (as Christians) are good and Jesus was just great, but reality is...we are bad and broken and Jesus was just normal.

 

[Mike]

Mark 6
"4 Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor.†5 He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6 And he was amazed at their lack of faith."

While they can be wonderful testimonies when our families and friends see a change in us, often they are the hardest to accept and see change in us. Christ's words here have always stood out to me. Our families knew us when we didn't know Christ. They see our blemishes when we are behind closed doors. We all let down our guard when we're around family all the time, and they are the most likely to witness our gaffs.

People in your home town, especially your brother can choose by design or unconsciously to brush off who you are in Christ and give you 1000 examples of ungodly Behavior you exhibited in all the years he knew you. If you moved yourself to a town you've never lived in, they would see you more as who you are; not who we once we're, because the now you is the only thing they know.

Just be careful to judge you as a good person, this can make you to don't realize clearly that is by Christ that you are justified,
not by your good behaviour. And you can be deceiving yourself.,

Phi had solid advice. I do not believe we should beat ourselves over the back with a sin-stick, but I agree that we should avoid referring to ourselves a "good", because that can be seen as prideful. I believe pride is among the most deceitful ways to build fences between ourselves and, God.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I want to start out by saying that you've been given solid advice already. I'm just up a little late, found your story interesting, and thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. That's an internet forum for you.

Try to realize that he has his own issues. In my own life, I've dealt with people--lots of people--projecting stuff on to me. I was an easy target for entire groups of people when I was younger. You seem to be an easy target for your brother. "She's so Christian..I'm better than she is!," that sort of thing. Happens to all Christians. I think it may just be a good bit harder when you have to live with someone. Also, you two just moved. That's hard, which raises stress levels, which is going to make him take even more out on you. Fair? No. Sinful? Absolutely. That's the Fallen World we live in, full of struggling, spiritually dead people.

I would say--and please don't get mad--try not to get caught up in the victim role. The more you take verbal altercations as a sign that you're his victim and internalize that, the angrier you'll be. You're a baby Christian growing up in a rough home. That's how I see it, anyway.

Good luck to you.

 

[littlecloudsong]

I have a nonbelieving brother, too. He came to faith briefly, then fell away. It is hard, but I have not given up hope. I have been a Christian for eight years and I still find it hard to keep my temper with him at times, but things are better than they were. What your brother means by "change" is sanctification. It means being transformed from the inside to be more like Christ by the Holy Spirit, and this shows outwardly in the way you live and interact with people. When people are sanctified, they display fruits of the spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV). People who have been Christians for a while but do not display these things to any degree are not likely to be true believers, but I must stress that outward deeds are just the symptoms of inner sanctification and this comes from God; it is not something you take upon yourself to do. Spiritual growth comes with time, and what favours it is praying and reading your Bible and engaging in fellowship with other Christians, and facing the challenges God puts your way with faith.

Change for me was slow, but my brother has recognised it. I never thought myself capable of that change; I am from a non-Christian family and I used to look at Christians then at myself and think, "I'll never be like them". The female youth worker at my Church even almost refused to let me be baptised because I had not displayed enough fruits of the spirit - and that was only two years ago! But I learned that change comes not through wishing and wishing you could be better, but through trusting God and putting him first in every aspect of your life, including your worries and the defence mechanisms you use to assuage them.

Do not think that just because he is your brother, older than you, and that he tried and failed, he is right. His promise is in fact very encouraging: he will come back to faith when he sees you change. You WILL change. The change of a Christian to be more like Christ, or "sanctification", is a mark of the genuine Christian, and it can happen rapidly or gradually, but if your faith is real, it will happen, the more you pray, read your Bible, and resolve to put God first in your life.

Your anguish over your sins should not be primarily driven by guilt or fear that your brother might not come back to faith. That is a deception. Your brother could come back to faith for another reason, or he might refuse to recognise the change in you. The sort of sorrow that's required for repentance comes from a recognition of how we have grieved God. Our sins were what drove him to give his Son for us; the recognition and acceptance that he gave his son for us so that we can go free is what liberates us, and as Christians we are called to be liberated from sin, not bogged down by guilt! Then we can get on with getting to know God and grow. Guilt and fear will actually hold you back. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you". If you pray that God will change you for His sake, he will. He does it for all of his people, and he can do it for you too.

As for your brother's derision and discouraging talk, remember:

"For the wisdom of this world is folly with God.†(1 Cor 3:19a)
and
"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." (1 Corinthians 1:18)

It is to be expected that it will seem foolish to him - this is what people who follow the wisdom of the world will naturally think. Do not let it discourage you from your faith. What helps me when I am troubled by my brother, what helps is remembering that whatever he says, he still a non-believer doing what non-believers do, and that however he derides me, he will one day have to answer to God. I do not know how agnostic your brother is; I am not saying that all hope is lost, but it is better to regard such a person as a non-believer and reach out to him accordingly.

I hope that's helped
Hand your struggle over to God, as well as your worry. If you are presenting all of this to God and facing the challenges that he presents you with faith, you are doing your duty and the outcome is up to God. You will stumble in the early days and your brother will try and trip you up. But you will also learn and grow, so do not be discouraged. Do not let fear for him distract your attention from God, because it is God who can change you if you make him your number one - irrespective of what beliefs your brother holds.