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[__ Prayer __] and more "prison" talk

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ok. i have -1- conviction on my record. it is a -serious- misdemeanor that started far, far worse (plea bargain...apparently, its the American way, lol). and...

I was arrested 8 years ago, sentenced 7 years ago. been off of probation (successfully, released early) for over 4 years, now. and...

i was craving an ice cold soda today. so, i stopped at a little convenience store. parking was kind cramped, so I had to park right next to the next vehicle, not able to skip a space. and...

well, on the plus side, I ended up with that new style Coke+coffee stuff. its surprisingly good! also not as sugary as normal coke. and then...

on my way towards my own vehicle, an older man and a small child...grandchild, maybe?....walked to the vehicle parked next to mine. the kid said something about "schizophrenia," which...may sound far fetched, but I'm a a pariah around here, and its kind of...never ending, that's happened before. ok, so...

the man said stuff...not super loudly, but loudly enough for me to hear, about "when we get through with him" and some other junk, including "warrants," etc. and...

I moved back home to this general area about 10 years ago. I'll soon be 37. Got saved 8 years ago, parents seem to have recently forgiven me, at least moved enough in that direction for us to be a family again. and...

the talk of "warrants" and such has been going on basically since I came back home. long story. And...

ugh. waxes and wanes, basically. I Praise The Lord for bringing me to salvation and for bringing what looks like deliverance to my life and to my parents, also. and...

now, it seems to be on the upswing. -shrug- all I can really do is pray, it seems. my parents had been given big promotions and such a bit before I was arrested 8 years ago, so...

The Lord -clearly- softened their hearts towards me, and I ended up with a good lawyer, bonded out, got saved on bond, then a plea deal. thing is...

I was -the dregs- , but still in society. long story...not that I was sinless or blameless, just...wow. 16 years ago, psychiatrists at a hospital wanted to put me in a homeless shelter, as part of "treatment." my parents thankfully nixed that, and...

now, 16 years later, people sometimes will say "he should have gone to a homeless shelter" and "his parents were supposed to be fired from (place of employment)!" and...

on and on and on. The Lord spared me then, and I've been truly saved 8 years ago, now, and...

I don't know what to make of it. arrest warrants in my state are not even posted publicly or anything, so if I want to find out anything, a lawyer would have to call around (obviously not free, lol).

I just...don't know. I don't know. of course, people also taunt me with "he had a public defender...developed Schizophrenia...judge took pity on him. has a felony!," etc., so...??? not that I"m "too good" for a public defender, pity, or a felony, just...

its not what actually happened, and I don't know random people in a small southern city are messing with me 7 years after sentencing on a plea bargain, 4 years after successful completion of probation. -don't get it-

ugh. i actually...am far enough along in my "Recovery" (largely from psych treatment, lol) that I kinda see how patient y'all have been with me over these past...several years, lol. ugh. I have no friends locally, but I am (thankfully) close to my parents. The Lord has done a mighty work in me and in my life over these past years...

only trouble I've gotten in was a seat belt violation, although oddly enough even that won't show up on the state-funded website (it goes by county...search, -all- public legal records should show up...the seat belt violation was showing up, now its not...). anyway...

obviously, no one wants to go to jail or a hospital or anything, least of all me. and...

-sigh- The Lord spared me and has changed me. all people around here seem to see is some "dirty old flamer (they use other words, too, of course...)," among other things. and...I cannot really move. :-(

thanks, as always. :)
 
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ugh. I'm beginning to suspect its a fine example of "what poor people go thru!," and...

truth? I am poor, but I'm taken care of and sheltered, so I don't have to continue living in true poverty. maybe that's where some of this nastiness and conflict is coming from? its not as if I live large and in charge, but...

wow. I hung out with a "mental patient" a bit younger than me, and...wow. could -not possibly- deal with his life. I thought about trying to be friends, but...and this is really the nature of the mental health industry, not blaming -him- as an individual...

he'd already been in the system so long, his labels had become his core identity. he said he went to church, and...yeah, perhaps not surprisingly, I don't think anyone had ever taken the time to really challenge him to -think- and truly reach up and out to Jesus. truth? not only are "mental patients" usually -not- encouraged to think...

take it from me, eyes get too bright, talk too much, seem "too smart..." all too often, it invites further destruction. :-( ugh.

that's neither here nor there. just...a random side thought.

The Lord has blessed my parents and me, too. mostly (but not entirely) thru my parents, now that I think about it. this despite how wretched I was, even into my walk with Jesus. and...

Given the Scriptural emphasis on family, and taking care of family members who cannot take care of themselves....this is godly and my situation is in line with God's plan for the family, for those who cannot fend for themselves, and...

yeah, obvious, that doesn't mean I'm -at all- entitled to it, but as blessings go...I do think, honestly, it lines up with Scripture.

maybe -that's- what's really bothering people? Its the bible belt, people go to all sorts of churches all over on any given sunday, but....

not that different from anywhere else, usa. more poverty, more violence, I think more guns. so...maybe I should -not be surprised- when The Lord's work in my life and my parents' lives is met with opposition?

i dunno. "thinking" out loud, I guess. thanks for the support. :)
 
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thanks so much everyone (special thanks to kiwidan ).

so...its like this...no matter the (many, many, many) labels applied to who I -was- , before Jesus moved on my heart and I got genuinely saved...

from a Scriptural perspective, I think I was just another lost, miserable, unrepentant wretch. and now....

a bit over 8 years into knowing The Lord, I find that...I've been made healthy! I'm not a flamer! I'm smart! my parents are kind to me! I'm kind to my parents, too...I -need- them, but I am not -using- them, you know? and...

once again, I was over my parents' for dinner. uneventful, quiet, good, and...pizza. very, very good pizza. thing is, on the way there, I had the windows down in my vehicle, and...

wow. i was not 'hallucinating;' I really did hear real people, really talking smack about me, starting at the complex. I mean, thankfully, there's lots of road between here and there where there aren't pedestrians and such, but...wow...I am -not- well liked, to put it mildly. and...

wow. not to know "American culture," as a whole...I have always lived in the US, I think there's a lot of wonderful people all over...but I don't think people are quite so cruel and just straight up vicious to outsiders, "the least of these," etc. in other developed, affluent nations. maybe its because the elites have been shredding social programs since Reagan? -shrug-

so...its dawned on me, the deal here is...especially in a ruby red state, its darned if you do, darned if you don't. if id marched off to prison, maybe the state hospital...i probably would not have survived either one, my parents' careers would probably still have been targeted...

but at least I would have "known his (my) place," or whatever.

so...by the grace of God, I end up with just the (serious) misdemeanor. thing is...

just..."how did his parents get -him- probation??? they should have been fired from (place of employment)!"...the very thought of me having any freedom, at all, seems to seriously go against the grain.

not to whine and moan too, too much (LOL). I mean...God is Love, God is Good, and He's seen fit to spare and bless me and my parents. awesome. :)

its just...there is no way for me to become a member of this community, I often can't even chill out in my own place without insults coming from one direction or another. I'm praying on it, coming here for prayer, reading more Scripture, and of course: trying to get my "eyes fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified..."

its just, man oh man. and its not just a certain segment of the community, either. i picked some stuff up for mama from a local convenience store today. some older, probably working class ladies were in there...their chatter about me was rough, but they kept their voices down, to a point. same thing happened when i dropped into a discount store to get some cleaning stuff. some lady was talking about my family, a bit more loudly, but...ok. got it.

but its all segments, I mean...I really am now, and probably have been for a long time now, a true pariah, an outcast. and...a lot of it -is- because psychiatrists really did choose to "make an example" out of me. i mean...honestly, I -looked- like a back wards psych patient. dead eyes, facial tics, premature aging, hair loss, obvious health problems and obvious brain damage....

and they wanted more money. on and on and on...

so, now, 16 years later...I'm healthy and bright eyed and smart and I even got a tad taller and I have lots of hair, somehow...

"God's work in this world is always met with opposition." I try to remember that, when I start taking things personally or whatever, lol. "it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me..."

thanks for "listening," as always. :)
 

Sister

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I may suggest this if you are still looking to perhaps heal in areas and want to move from your current situation. I went through a program called Teen Challenge. There are adult programs and teen programs. They are inpatient. It is non for profit, so while they ask for a thousand dollars, if you cannot afford it, you don't pay for it. I do not know if that is the same since I went over ten years ago. But I'd look into it. I was probably in the 5% that never did drugs or alcohol. I self injured. But there is a high success rate for those who have. Just a thought if you ever needed it. There are like 150 centers in the United States alone, but I not sure after covid.
 
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