[__ Prayer __] attitude of gratitude, npd

[Christ_empowered]

I need to develop one. The Lord has been remarkably good to me, and yet...I fall into fits of melancholy when I really, really, really shouldn't. I take psych treatments (including one for depression), so I think now its all about the spiritual aspect.

I do pray and give thanks and such, but...I dunno...I look backwards too much, I am not as content as I should be (especially considering how kind The Lord is to me).

I think this falls into my ongoing struggle with Self. I --did-- meet the criteria for npd (narcissistic personality disorder) in my late teens and into my twenties. Sometimes, people with NPD mellow out when real life hits and just with general maturation. In my case, there's apparently a severe mental problem (bipolar I or schizophrenia, depending on which "expert" you believe...) in the mix, too, so...its complicated.

NPD or not, I struggle with self, pride, self-love, getting puffed up over things The Lord has blessed me with, etc. I'm much better in terms of outward behavior, but I still tend to elevate people or tear them down (in my mind, not so much in how I treat them). Developing compassion and empathy was huge for me, and it is/was a gift straight from The Lord. Not that I was some cold hearted NPD monster, just...well, I'd always been socially isolated and at the bottom of the totem pole, so I think I developed a lot of problems just to compensate for that.

On the plus side...my parents seem to have forgiven me, or they're getting closer to it, anyway. I'm not as bratty and demanding of them, and we get along well. I'm enjoying school and moving forward. I'm writing better and...well, I struggle more with bona fide (severe) mental problems now than I do with Self. At least meds help with severe mental problems. NPD is treatable, but I was an ugly flamer from what the "professionals" referred to as a "rinky dink middle class family," so I just got shock treatments and drugs. Welcome to Mental Health, Inc.

Rambling...now, I'm blessed all over. I don't take much $$$ from my parents, but because they're higher on the totem pole now, I have more of a "buffer" between me and the community. I'm also glad for them, I mean...they went through it with their careers, and now they'll retire on a high note, Praise God!

School's going well. I see hope where before there really wasn't any, not really. God is good! I coulda/shoulda/woulda gone to tech school, but...my last experience at a brick-and-mortar school ended in electroshock, so...not so much, lol.

OK. I'm done now.

 

[Eugene]

I'd always been socially isolated and at the bottom of the totem pole, so I think I developed a lot of problems just to compensate for that.

Brother Christ_empowered, are you attempting to say you tried to overcome unreasonableness with reason and it’s not working?

My experience is that most things I strive for in the flesh come to naught, and then I think that maybe God works that in our lives for that explicit purpose to get us completely dependent on His grace toward us.

 

[Jesus_Is_His_Name]

God doesn't have a back-up plan such as A,B,C,D etc... We have two options 1.) We can attempt to do things in our flesh( been there, done that) or 2.) We can wholeheartedly place our trust in Him. And yes, sometimes it s easier said than done. However, I rather be on the Jesus ship.

 

[Angel]

Thanks for being so honest. That's the way to start to change. You can't change while in denial.
Praying for ya.

 

[Jesus_Is_His_Name]

Denial will get a person nowhere. It's either God's way or the highway. I rather be brutally honest than to lead anyone on.

 

[Jesus_Is_His_Name]

Thanks for being so honest. That's the way to start to change. You can't change while in denial.
Praying for ya.

 

[Christ_empowered]

to be fair....the "professionals" who insisted that I was hopelessly npd are kind of...narcissistic. Hyper-conventional, unbelievers, money hungry, all that ((probably typical for mental health, inc.). One, a counselor, earns her $$$ spewing Deepak Chopra and other new age stuff and witchcraft. Before I was saved...whatever. But now...that I'm saved...I see that we're not even looking at the world the same way, living the same way, etc., and I'm also beginning to see that no matter how NPD I may have been...they were vicious then, and they're probably hardened in their sins and worse now.

Just givin' you the "patient's" perspective...

 

[Jesus_Is_His_Name]

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.:amen

 

[Jesus_Is_His_Name]

Never been a fan of Deepak Chopra etc...

 

[Jesus_Is_His_Name]

I know people who love Deepak. I then say to myself, alrighty then2

 

[Angel]

I'm going to be honest:
I don't think that your posts sound like NPD.
Writing here is just your outlet.

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah....I was a self-centered teen and early 20something, but the way I was treated was...ridiculous. And expen$ive for the insurance company and my parents, with no beneficial results.

 

[Angel]

Good thing that stuff is over!

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...my current counselor is born agan, masters of divinity, great man. The shrink...tricksy rabbit. I thought community mental health shrinks were all about 15 minute med checks, out the door. I get booked for 30 minute sessions, and each time I come in...he's got a game plan. Its kinda weird.

Point is...I'm receiving proper care now, but sometimes I doubt the whole thing. Mental illness? OK. Give me a brain scan and show me my crazy. See what I'm saying? But the meds+counseling --do-- help a whole, whole lot. I can actually have a life on the lil cocktail that I couldn't without the meds, or even just 1 of the meds.

NPD. What is it? Who decides? more so than mental illness, personality disorder seems a subjective area.

Ugh. I'm learning to let go. School helps. I thought at first that I saw hope in the future, and then I looked at my life now and I realized...God is good! Show some appreciation!

Neighbors are still cruel. "warrants," "work detail," "prison time would be go for him," etc. etc. etc. They're not yelling as much, so I don't hear it in my bedroom or other parts of the house. Plus...some of the time, it is voices. Weird. Overlap between reality and lingering psychosis.

I'm hoping the remaining voices will fade away to nothing. I think it was the severe depression...when I get really down the voices hit, plus other stuff. I resisted restarting an antidepressant for way, way too long. Now...Wellbutrin is my homeboy.

Thanks again for the replies.

 

[Angel]

Oh I'm so glad they aren't yelling as much. Thank God.

Do you have any updates on the vacation? And the new house?

 

[Christ_empowered]

the vacay is on as long as the hotel is good to go. South Carolina didn't get it hit too hard, so we may be in the clear.

My parents aren't looking for a new (to them...) place right now. They'd have to 1st sell this one then use the proceeds to pay for some of the new one. Thing is...they're not --that-- eager to move out, and they'd have to drop some $$$ to get this place sold reasonably quickly.

I sure hope the vacay is good to go. My parents are so...kind. My mom's even ordering me some quality new shoes, because I gave her a pair that didn't fit me (online purchase) to take down with her on her trip to this island she and lots of other people from the college go to. She gives some of the people there things that they can't get on the island, or that are ridiculously expen$ive because of shipping.

Rambling...things are looking up. I think I'm going to drag school into the summer semester, which is fine I guess. God is good.

 

[Angel]

Good update!
I tried looking up what a drag school is but I got nothing. What is drag school?

 

[Christ_empowered]

oh....i should have written that better. I mean I'm dragging finishing my program out into the summer session, instead of finishing in the spring. I don't wanna take 18 hours all at once. I'm afraid I'll not do a good job :-( .

 

[Angel]

Oh ok.
That does sound tough.

 

[Christ_empowered]

maybe I'm just being a wuss (?). It'd be a bunch of higher level classes, all at once, to wrap up the degree program with a bang. Now I'm thinking...take it out into summer, and start applying for grad school programs while I'm finishing the degree over the summer...

--sigh--