Bad marriage

[Petra]

Hi, I am a new member and I am interested in your opinions as christians about my problem.

I am married for over 10 years and we have 3 beautiful children, they're 6, 4 and 10 mths. The problem we have is that actually our marriage is in scrambles because the love is gone from both sides and we both agree that if we had known 10 year ago how things are now we never had married. We come from 2 completely different backgrounds and even though we're both christians we have quite different opinions in as how to live our christianity. For one, my husband has a very hot temper and often when we don't agree on something he starts yelling and can't control it. Even when the kids are listening. Of course it's my fault for making him so angry.....I just felt that with every agressive outburst, my love was dying more and more. At one point he even got fisical - that's when I seperated from him for a view month, even though I was pregnant with our 3rd child. For the sake of the kids, we got back together and we agreed that we would try again. He thinks I am being disrespectful thowards him, which I don't think so. I was brought up to respect all fellow humans. The thing is that, I believe he has some very extreme views in some things and sometimes I have to put my foot down and clearly say no. Which makes him think I am a very stuborn, disobedient wife, and he can't love someone who feels like she wants to be the man in the relationship. However to make a long story short: we both know that if it wasn't for the kids, we wouldn't be together anymore plus the bible being against divorce. What would you suggest how to go about it?

 

[handy]

Petra,

There are things that both you and your husband need to work on. However, only you can change you (through the Spirit) and only your husband can change your husband (through the Spirit).

One thing that stands out to me, as a woman, is your unsubmissive attitude. Submissiveness isn't something that comes easy, but then again, divorce far from easy as well.

Which would you rather be, a submissive wife, or a divorced mother of 3 very young children?

Which is far more clearly God's will? Divorce, which He hates, or submissiveness in a wife which He has clearly put forth in His word as His will for marriage.

You said, "He thinks I am being disrespectful thowards him, which I don't think so. I was brought up to respect all fellow humans. The thing is that, I believe he has some very extreme views in some things and sometimes I have to put my foot down and clearly say no. Which makes him think I am a very stuborn, disobedient wife, and he can't love someone who feels like she wants to be the man in the relationship."

The reason why he thinks you are being disrespectful towards him is because you are being disrespectful towards him. "I have to put my foot down and clearly say no" is a very disrespectful attitude for either partner in a marriage, but especially for the wife whom God as called to submissiveness. Unless your husband is urging you to do something illegal or immoral, you should, after voicing your views and giving solid reasons to do otherwise, do it his way. I emphasized the part about illegal or immoral because I don't know exactly what it is he wants to do that you're so against. If he is demanding that you do illegal and immoral things, then we do need to reconsider if he is even a Christian.

However, since you have said that both of you are Christians, then I'll assume for now that he isn't desiring that you do things that are illegal or immoral, just things you have a difference of opinion about.

In a healthy marriage, the husband and wife strive to come together and work as one. But, with our fallen natures as well as with just being intelligent, thinking human beings, it's not always possible to be united in a decision. But, God knew this and God placed the man as the head over the woman and, in cases where agreement isn't forthcoming, it's the role of the woman to submit.

Your marriage is in deep trouble and your children are facing a lifetime of only being able to visit their parents in separate homes rather than having a true home because neither of you are living out God's will for your marriage. Your husband isn't loving you with the self-sacrificing love that Christ has for His Church and you are not submitting to him as the head of your household. You cannot change him, only he can change through the power of the Spirit. But, you can change yourself through the power of the same Spirit. And, if you become a submissive wife you have a special hope that God gives us in 1 Peter 3:1: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives"

You might already be familiar with these passages, but I exhort you to study over them:

1 Corinthians 11:2-16 (we are currently debating the issue of the head covering and whether or not it was a cultural symbol no longer useful, but no one is debating the woman's submissive role.)

Ephesians 5:22-33

Colossians 3:12-21

1 Peter 3:1-7

 

[Petra]

Thank you for your answer. I really appreciate your opinion. I always find it very difficult to submit, even though I know that it's what the bible teaches. Since early stages of our marriage and especially since the kids are here I was forced to take charge of the family. I had to work and take care of the kids, manage the household, take care of book keeping and administration because my husband was stuying full time, very active in church and hardly ever at home. I even suported him in his studies, reviewing and correcting his papers. God gave me the strength to do it and I did it without grudge but I had to be so independent and in charge that now it is even more difficult to submit because I feel that I never really had the privilege to be the "woman" in the relationship. Even though I know it's not my husbands fault that it's difficult for him to find a job and take care of the family. I know he's doing his best. I will try harder and pray about it.

 

[handy]

I understand how hard it is to not take control when one's husband is away from home. Very often my husband isn't home either because of his work. He comes home more now than for the past couple of years, but there have been many times when we kiss good-bye on Monday morning and we don't see each other again until Friday night.

Since we have a small cattle ranch, when he is gone, I'm the one who has to do most of the chores here, as well as maintain the house, parent the kids and all the other stuff that makes up day to day life. So, yes, I can understand completely the feeling of not having the privilege of being the woman. I know exactly what you mean by that, I really do.

What helps me is to keep in mind that I am his helper. I am there to help make sure that his household is kept the way he wants it to be in his absence. We talk frequently on the phone and discuss things that come up and how to handle them. It's still hard, and he often feels he's a bad husband and dad for not being around as much, but we do the best we can, and keep reminding ourselves that in this terrible economy it's just a blessing he has a job at all.

None of it is easy, but you sound as if you really do have heart to follow God in this and to keep your marriage. Do pray about this, taking the burden of it to God and do talk to your husband and let him know that you understand that it's hard for him and that you know he's doing the best he can and that you want to be there to support him. Men need, absolutely need, that kind of encouragement from us. I would imagine that if you strive to give your husband encouragement and work to defer to him when the two of you are not in agreement about something, his outbursts of anger will begin to diminish because the anger most likely is rooted in the frustration of not having a job to support his family and not feeling in control of his own home.

 

[reba]

Dora you are an inspiration..... The Proverb is good for all us ladies

Pro 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
Pro 31:11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Pro 31:12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Pro 31:13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
Pro 31:14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
Pro 31:15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
Pro 31:16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
Pro 31:17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
Pro 31:18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
Pro 31:19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
Pro 31:20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
Pro 31:21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
Pro 31:22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
Pro 31:23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
Pro 31:24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
Pro 31:25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
Pro 31:26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
Pro 31:27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Pro 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Pro 31:29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
Pro 31:30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
Pro 31:31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

 

[tim-from-pa]

Petra:

I'll make it simple. Assuming you accurately represented what is going on, I'm not convinced in the tone or your writing you have a marriage problem per se. The husband has anger and control issues. Now I don't know whether or not you're doing things to push more buttons, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

In other words, no matter what relationship he's in, he probably acts the same way. For example, how is he with his mother?

The love that you said is gone is probably the result of these issues. Unless he is willing to repent and seek help in this matter instead of thinking he's a God-given standard for all to follow and anyone who disagrees is as much as disrespecting God Himself, the marriage will undeniably fail. Not from a marriage problem, per se, but because of his issues. And I'll make another prediction. If he ends up with another woman one day (and these types often eventually marry someone else young enough to be his daughter) you will see the same pattern over and over again. Of course he can go through 1000 divorces and each time he will convincingly try to say to people it was "the woman's fault". Then one day on his death bed, it may hit him (if God grants him the mercy to repent) that maybe he was really the jerk all along.

I've seen this before, and you see stories in the newspaper all the time regarding extremes in this type of behavior ending very badly.

I hate to lay it to you straight, but again, assuming you accurately portrayed this scene, the guy obviously has a major problem.

 

[Bonairos]

Submission for anyone (male or female, in varying circumstances) does not always come easy.

And yet the Bible instructs us to submit.

However, when seeking to obey the Word of God, it shouldn't be because we "have" to, but rather because we "get" to.

Could be the difference in seeing and receiving the benefits of obedience.


Be blessed, Stay blessed, and be Bold!