Been having a major disagreement with boyfriend and needing some insight and/or advice.

[itsabeautifulday]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for less than a year. We fell in to sexual sin and moved in together shortly thereafter. Essentially, we were just doing everything backwards and living like worldly couples do. It took me a couple of months to finally feel like we weren’t doing things according to God’s plan or design and so I moved out of his place in May and I’ve been abstaining from sex ever since then.

The thing is, he believes we’re married based off of some bible verses. He often likes to bring up the woman at the well where Jesus tells the woman she has 5 husbands. However, it seems like he’s not interested in acknowledging the end of those verses where Jesus tells her to "sin no more". Furthermore, because he believes we’re married he also brings up the verse that says married couples shouldn’t refuse sex from each other in 1 Corinthians. So now he’s pretty upset whenever he wants to have sex and I’m refusing saying that I’m going against God’s will and I’m sinning whenever I deny him sex.

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this.

 

[Hidden In Him]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for less than a year. We fell in to sexual sin and moved in together shortly thereafter. Essentially, we were just doing everything backwards and living like worldly couples do. It took me a couple of months to finally feel like we weren’t doing things according to God’s plan or design and so I moved out of his place in May and I’ve been abstaining from sex ever since then.

The thing is, he believes we’re married based off of some bible verses. He often likes to bring up the woman at the well where Jesus tells the woman she has 5 husbands. However, it seems like he’s not interested in acknowledging the end of those verses where Jesus tells her to "sin no more". Furthermore, because he believes we’re married he also brings up the verse that says married couples shouldn’t refuse sex from each other in 1 Corinthians. So now he’s pretty upset whenever he wants to have sex and I’m refusing saying that I’m going against God’s will and I’m sinning whenever I deny him sex.

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this.

Greetings, sister, and that's a pretty site name. Welcome to Christian forums.

The problem as I see it here is that you've already entered into a sexual relationship with him, and these are not the sorts of things that one just backs up from. While it may not have come with a ceremony attached (and needs to instead of just leaving things in question before either of you should properly call it a "marriage"), it sounds like you have performed the covenant act with him already. The Biblical solution to this was to carry through on getting married now, not back up and say well let's just be friends until we figure more stuff out.

You see, I think women sometimes see men as just wanting to gratify themselves by having sex, but unless the man is a complete worthless reprobate, having sex actually means a GREAT deal to a man. For a Christian man, it means to him that you have engaged in something you will do with no one else on earth but him, and vise versa. So in his eyes, he may have formed a covenant with you already in both his heart and with his body, and to back up from it now will make no sense to his mind if you still want to be with him. It translates like you now want a divorce.

Again, you shouldn't let him entertain for one second that you are truly married unless he puts a ring on your finger in front of witnesses. That's his responsibility, and he owes it not only to you but to the rest of society to declare publicly what the relationship really is and not just keep it in the dark. But if you have been with him already, you owe it to him to say "I do. Now let's get down the aisle or I'm getting a 'divorce' because you're not wanting to make it official."

Maybe others would be of a different opinion, but that's what I would potentially be seeing in the situation if I were him.

Blessings In Christ,
Hidden In Him

 

[Hidden In Him]

The thing is, he believes we’re married based off of some bible verses.

Not just because of some Bible verses, but likely because of what it meant to him personally, like I was telling you. Men get more attached to women after sex than they realize sometimes.

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this.

Keep in mind too, that if you do back up from him, he will struggle with you because he is taking it like a divorce and is trying to understand what the relationship is now. If he comes to view the two of you as divorced in his mind, there's a possibility he will move on if he finds someone else, thinking he's no longer in the kind of relationship he thought he was in with you.

 

[myangelsb4u]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for less than a year. We fell in to sexual sin and moved in together shortly thereafter. Essentially, we were just doing everything backwards and living like worldly couples do. It took me a couple of months to finally feel like we weren’t doing things according to God’s plan or design and so I moved out of his place in May and I’ve been abstaining from sex ever since then.

The thing is, he believes we’re married based off of some bible verses. He often likes to bring up the woman at the well where Jesus tells the woman she has 5 husbands. However, it seems like he’s not interested in acknowledging the end of those verses where Jesus tells her to "sin no more". Furthermore, because he believes we’re married he also brings up the verse that says married couples shouldn’t refuse sex from each other in 1 Corinthians. So now he’s pretty upset whenever he wants to have sex and I’m refusing saying that I’m going against God’s will and I’m sinning whenever I deny him sex.

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this.

Hi itsabeautifulday and welcome to CFN. I think you have made the right decision. If he loves you then he will wait until you get married properly, before God and/or your family and friends (if applicable)

Your boyfriend may believe that you are married already, however, having that piece of paper is not only honorable for your own peace of mind, it also speaks of having made a commitment toward one another before God.

Your boyfriend is not going to die because he isn't getting any more sex. He just needs to do the right thing and as the song goes and "put a ring on it" Bless you!

Mandy

 

[Hidden In Him]

Hi itsabeautifulday and welcome to CFN. View attachment 16600 I think you have made the right decision. If he loves you then he will wait until you get married properly, before God and/or your family and friends (if applicable)

Your boyfriend may believe that you are married already, however, having that piece of paper is not only honorable for own peace of mind, it also speaks of having made a commitment toward one another before God.

Your boyfriend is not going to die because he isn't getting any more sex. He just needs to do the right thing and as the song goes and "put a ring on it" Bless you!

Mandy

I’d add that if their future marriage is ordained of God then the Lord will empower him to do what he might not be able to endure otherwise under normal circumstances.

 

[Who Me]

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this

Marriage in the bible times and today is a religious, social and legal contract.
If you have not undergone a marriage ceremony, whether in a church or in a court you are not married.
If you are serious about pursuing this relationship, may I suggest that you both meet with your minister and discuss with him how you can go further.
Certainly until married you need to live separately and to be talking about marriage, how you will both work inside marriage as well as how work and your church commitment fits into your marriage.

 

[for_his_glory]

Gods' grand design was for man to take care of the earth and have dominion over all living things. God knew this was to big a job for one man so he created man a helpmate and called her woman. The two were to multiply and replenish the earth with more helpers to till the land and help take care of Gods creation, Genesis 1, 2.

Gods will for woman was to be a helpmate to the man in every way, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically. She was also created to bare the generations to come. A woman was not greater or less than the man, but was his equal.

There is no place in the Bible that constitutes having to have a marriage license. Man incorporated this into the law. In the Hebrew tradition a mohar or dowry was paid to the father of the bride by the groom in exchange for the daughter, Exodus 22:17. Genesis 2:23-25 explains the bond of marriage. The two are united as one in the eyes of God. Ephesians 5:22-29 wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord for the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. Man is the provider and protector of his family. Husbands, you are to love your wives like Christ loves his church. This is an unconditional love that looks on the inside of a person and not the adorning of the outside. It is a love with a pure heart.

This submission also carries over to the bed that neither should deprive one another unless it is a mutual consent, 1 Corinthians 7:5 the principles for the married believer are explained in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. As long as there is love and faithfulness the two should never depart from each other nor stray away for lust of the flesh.

The law that was incorporated by man that one needs a marriage license was for the purpose of legal matters within the marriage. Marriage licenses in the US dates back to the 17th century in Colonial America with Massachusetts requiring them as early as 1639. Before that marriages were private affairs between families that did not require government approval. States began requiring a license because marriages have legal implications that can affect property, inheritance and taxes.

 

[itsabeautifulday]

Gods' grand design was for man to take care of the earth and have dominion over all living things. God knew this was to big a job for one man so he created man a helpmate and called her woman. The two were to multiply and replenish the earth with more helpers to till the land and help take care of Gods creation, Genesis 1, 2.

Gods will for woman was to be a helpmate to the man in every way, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically. She was also created to bare the generations to come. A woman was not greater or less than the man, but was his equal.

There is no place in the Bible that constitutes having to have a marriage license. Man incorporated this into the law. In the Hebrew tradition a mohar or dowry was paid to the father of the bride by the groom in exchange for the daughter, Exodus 22:17. Genesis 2:23-25 explains the bond of marriage. The two are united as one in the eyes of God. Ephesians 5:22-29 wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord for the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. Man is the provider and protector of his family. Husbands, you are to love your wives like Christ loves his church. This is an unconditional love that looks on the inside of a person and not the adorning of the outside. It is a love with a pure heart.

This submission also carries over to the bed that neither should deprive one another unless it is a mutual consent, 1 Corinthians 7:5 the principles for the married believer are explained in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. As long as there is love and faithfulness the two should never depart from each other nor stray away for lust of the flesh.

The law that was incorporated by man that one needs a marriage license was for the purpose of legal matters within the marriage. Marriage licenses in the US dates back to the 17th century in Colonial America with Massachusetts requiring them as early as 1639. Before that marriages were private affairs between families that did not require government approval. States began requiring a license because marriages have legal implications that can affect property, inheritance and taxes.

Then my question now becomes, what defines adultery? If sex is the only thing that consummates a marriage and there’s no requirement for a legal binding or some kind of covenant, a man who sleeps with a married woman why would that man and woman be accused of "adultery" if they could just say "well we slept together so boom, we’re husband and wife now too".

Take the example of David. His relationship with Bathsheba starts in 2 Samuel chapter 11. In verse 4 it specifically states he slept with her. It doesn’t say anything about them automatically becoming husband and wife after being intimate with one another.

Or in 1 corianthians 5, Paul calls someone out from the church who, again, is "sleeping" (direct word Paul used himself) with his stepmother. Are they now also husband and wife just for having sex?

Or what about Solomon and his numerous concubines? Were those concubines not also women he was having sexual relations with? But they were never referred to as his wives. If he was having sex with his wives as well as his concubines, but yet his concubines weren’t referred to as his wives, then clearly there’s a distinction there between both groups of women.

So there are verses and stories in the Bible that specifically avoid sex and marriage being equal with one another. That’s where I’m confused and that’s where I’m disagreeing about sex being the one and only thing that solidifies a marriage.

 

[for_his_glory]

Then my question now becomes, what defines adultery? If sex is the only thing that consummates a marriage and there’s no requirement for a legal binding or some kind of covenant, a man who sleeps with a married woman why would that man and woman be accused of "adultery" if they could just say "well we slept together so boom, we’re husband and wife now too".

Take the example of David. His relationship with Bathsheba starts in 2 Samuel chapter 11. In verse 4 it specifically states he slept with her. It doesn’t say anything about them automatically becoming husband and wife after being intimate with one another.

Or in 1 corianthians 5, Paul calls someone out from the church who, again, is "sleeping" (direct word Paul used himself) with his stepmother. Are they now also husband and wife just for having sex?

Or what about Solomon and his numerous concubines? Were those concubines not also women he was having sexual relations with? But they were never referred to as his wives. If he was having sex with his wives as well as his concubines, but yet his concubines weren’t referred to as his wives, then clearly there’s a distinction there between both groups of women.

So there are verses and stories in the Bible that specifically avoid sex and marriage being equal with one another. That’s where I’m confused and that’s where I’m disagreeing about sex being the one and only thing that solidifies a marriage.

Mat 19:3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
Mat 19:4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
Mat 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Mat 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

If the both of you agree that God has put the two of you together, especially when you accepted to move in with him and share his bed, then anything else outside of the bedroom going after other flesh would be adultery.

1 Corinthians 7:10, Jesus commands the woman or the man not to leave her husband and if she or he does they should remain unmarried, but in Malachi 2:10-16 the treachery that man or a woman commits against each other which leads one or the other to have an affair outside of the marriage or abuses one or the other whether it be physical or emotional gives place to what was said by Moses in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 that if a woman or a man is no longer pleasing to the other then the husband or wife should give his wife or husband a written bill of divorcement and send them out of the house and this gives the woman or the man the right to marry again, but they can never go back to the former spouse if that marriage does not work out or her husband or wife dies for now he or she is defiled to be with their first husband or wife and this is an abomination to God.

For a good marriage to work one should study 2 Corinthians 6:14 be ye not unequally yoked together with non-believers for what fellowship hath righteous with unrighteous, and what communion has light with darkness. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ then you need to choose a mate that also believes in the faith of Christ. In some marriages people do not enter into a relationship with Christ being the center of it, but maybe one of them come to know the Lord and the other one refuses to have that personal relationship with Christ then we go back to what 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 says. If the unbelieving partner leaves the believing partner then this frees the believing partner from the bondage of the vows of marriage and they are free to marry again.

 

[Free]

Then my question now becomes, what defines adultery? If sex is the only thing that consummates a marriage and there’s no requirement for a legal binding or some kind of covenant, a man who sleeps with a married woman why would that man and woman be accused of "adultery" if they could just say "well we slept together so boom, we’re husband and wife now too".

Take the example of David. His relationship with Bathsheba starts in 2 Samuel chapter 11. In verse 4 it specifically states he slept with her. It doesn’t say anything about them automatically becoming husband and wife after being intimate with one another.

Or in 1 corianthians 5, Paul calls someone out from the church who, again, is "sleeping" (direct word Paul used himself) with his stepmother. Are they now also husband and wife just for having sex?

Or what about Solomon and his numerous concubines? Were those concubines not also women he was having sexual relations with? But they were never referred to as his wives. If he was having sex with his wives as well as his concubines, but yet his concubines weren’t referred to as his wives, then clearly there’s a distinction there between both groups of women.

So there are verses and stories in the Bible that specifically avoid sex and marriage being equal with one another. That’s where I’m confused and that’s where I’m disagreeing about sex being the one and only thing that solidifies a marriage.

Here is what Jesus has to say about adultery, which is pretty clear:

Mat 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Mat 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.
Mat 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. (ESV)

Be careful with OT passages about polygamy; they are descriptive (tell us what happened), not prescriptive (they don't tell us that polygamy is permissible). This is what Jesus has to say:

Mat 19:4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female,
Mat 19:5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
Mat 19:6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Mat 19:7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”
Mat 19:8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
Mat 19:9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (ESV)

These passages show the general pattern for how believers are to think biblically about sex based on what is stated about polygamy and adultery. The whole point is, marriage, as it was supposed to be from the beginning, based on the created order, is between one man and one woman. God suffered certain things like polygamy for a time, although it was not what he wanted. The NT then states more explicitly that such things are to stop.

As John Murray states, "Sufferance was accorded in these cases on polygamy and divorce. But it was the sufferance of forbearance, not the sufferance of approval or sanction" (Principles of Conduct, p. 19).

 

[kbmonday]

One thing I would like all of us giving advice in this on is this, does this man really sound like a born again believer? It sounds more to me (though I have little to go on) like he is using convenient scriptures in order to manipulate her. And in the case of unbelievers there is another scripture to be aware of.
1 Corinthians 7:12-17 (KJV)

12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

17 But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.

The fact is, they were not actually married and did not covenant, right?

 

[D-D-W]

Then my question now becomes, what defines adultery?

That is a very specific term in the Bible. (even though we throw it around a lot today) It meant sex between a married woman with a man who is not her husband.

While it was legal for a man to have more than one wife (and in certain rare circumstances it was REQUIRED) it was NOT legal for a woman to have more than one husband.

If sex is the only thing that consummates a marriage and there’s no requirement for a legal binding or some kind of covenant, a man who sleeps with a married woman why would that man and woman be accused of "adultery" if they could just say "well we slept together so boom, we’re husband and wife now too".

If sex between singles = marriage, then there would be no sin such as fornication listed in scripture. But there is.

Take the example of David. His relationship with Bathsheba starts in 2 Samuel chapter 11. In verse 4 it specifically states he slept with her. It doesn’t say anything about them automatically becoming husband and wife after being intimate with one another.

True. And she was married to Uriah. (whom David later had murdered)

Or in 1 corianthians 5, Paul calls someone out from the church who, again, is "sleeping" (direct word Paul used himself) with his stepmother. Are they now also husband and wife just for having sex?

Again, not so. Having sex with a close relative is strictly forbidden in scripture. See Leviticus 18.
Remember, half of the Corinth church were Jews, and they met next door to the synagogue.

Or what about Solomon and his numerous concubines? Were those concubines not also women he was having sexual relations with? But they were never referred to as his wives. If he was having sex with his wives as well as his concubines, but yet his concubines weren’t referred to as his wives, then clearly there’s a distinction there between both groups of women.

Yes that is true.

So there are verses and stories in the Bible that specifically avoid sex and marriage being equal with one another. That’s where I’m confused and that’s where I’m disagreeing about sex being the one and only thing that solidifies a marriage.

That is a problem from taking a verse here and there without going thru the entire book of Scripture and making a doctrine out of it. It is an unfortunate shortcoming of evangelical Christianity in the US.

Congregational leaders should be teaching the people enough on how not to do that, but they don't.

 

[D-D-W]

One thing I would like all of us giving advice in this on is this, does this man really sound like a born again believer?

That is difficult to say. He could be truly born again but not taught correctly.

 

[Knotical]

To build on what has been stated already about adultery and how marriage is viewed by God, I would recommend if you both are serious about a relationship together that includes sexual relations that you seek pre-marital counseling.

It almost seems like your boyfriend is wanting one without the other, meaning he wants the physical relationship without any of the other obligations that come with it. A pre-marital counseling session should flesh out any differences you both have and explore if marriage is truly what God has planned for you. And if he is wanting to be married, then he should not have any problem actually going through the legal version of it, not just the physical.

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for less than a year. We fell in to sexual sin and moved in together shortly thereafter. Essentially, we were just doing everything backwards and living like worldly couples do. It took me a couple of months to finally feel like we weren’t doing things according to God’s plan or design and so I moved out of his place in May and I’ve been abstaining from sex ever since then.

The thing is, he believes we’re married based off of some bible verses. He often likes to bring up the woman at the well where Jesus tells the woman she has 5 husbands. However, it seems like he’s not interested in acknowledging the end of those verses where Jesus tells her to "sin no more". Furthermore, because he believes we’re married he also brings up the verse that says married couples shouldn’t refuse sex from each other in 1 Corinthians. So now he’s pretty upset whenever he wants to have sex and I’m refusing saying that I’m going against God’s will and I’m sinning whenever I deny him sex.

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this.

He's delusional and abusing God's words, by which he's taking the Lord's name in vain, don't listen to him and satisfy him. You deserve better, sister. It is a common misconception especially among men, that sex and intimacy are regarded as a commodity, women the seller and men the buyer, thereby a romantic relationship is reduced to a commercial relationship of supply and demand. This has to change.

 

[WalterandDebbie]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for less than a year. We fell in to sexual sin and moved in together shortly thereafter. Essentially, we were just doing everything backwards and living like worldly couples do. It took me a couple of months to finally feel like we weren’t doing things according to God’s plan or design and so I moved out of his place in May and I’ve been abstaining from sex ever since then.

The thing is, he believes we’re married based off of some bible verses. He often likes to bring up the woman at the well where Jesus tells the woman she has 5 husbands. However, it seems like he’s not interested in acknowledging the end of those verses where Jesus tells her to "sin no more". Furthermore, because he believes we’re married he also brings up the verse that says married couples shouldn’t refuse sex from each other in 1 Corinthians. So now he’s pretty upset whenever he wants to have sex and I’m refusing saying that I’m going against God’s will and I’m sinning whenever I deny him sex.

We both feel like we’re right in our stance and are having a hard time seeing eye on eye on this and it’s just causing conflict. I know that if this a relationship I want to pursue, it might be wise to seek counseling from another believer who can help guide us through this.

Hi itisabeautifulday, Welcome here with us, Both of you need to obey God in His words and deeds, and come into agreement with Him, please before it is too late, but please keep us updated, ok? thanks for sharing.

Love, Walter And Debbie

 

[NoahK]

One thing I would like all of us giving advice in this on is this, does this man really sound like a born again believer? It sounds more to me (though I have little to go on) like he is using convenient scriptures in order to manipulate her. And in the case of unbelievers there is another scripture to be aware of.
1 Corinthians 7:12-17 (KJV)

12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

17 But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.

The fact is, they were not actually married and did not covenant, right?

I believe the answer she seeks is this:

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

Thanks for your post.

 

[Who Me]

There is no place in the Bible that constitutes having to have a marriage license.

Equally there is no place in the bible where marriage is two people just living together.

There was always a social recognition that those two were married, the paying of a bride price, agreement by the Father that his daughter could go to that man.

The only times two people in the bible, met for sex was with a prostitute, rape or seduction.

take a look at this article which shows the damage rejection of marriage has and is having on women and children:- https://winteryknight.com/2024/08/0...-black-womens-72-out-of-wedlock-birth-rate-6/

 

[for_his_glory]

Equally there is no place in the bible where marriage is two people just living together.

There was always a social recognition that those two were married, the paying of a bride price, agreement by the Father that his daughter could go to that man.

The only times two people in the bible, met for sex was with a prostitute, rape or seduction.

take a look at this article which shows the damage rejection of marriage has and is having on women and children:- https://winteryknight.com/2024/08/0...-black-womens-72-out-of-wedlock-birth-rate-6/

Just giving my Biblical understanding and not justifying anything.

 

[tdidymas]

Then my question now becomes, what defines adultery? If sex is the only thing that consummates a marriage and there’s no requirement for a legal binding or some kind of covenant, a man who sleeps with a married woman why would that man and woman be accused of "adultery" if they could just say "well we slept together so boom, we’re husband and wife now too".

Take the example of David. His relationship with Bathsheba starts in 2 Samuel chapter 11. In verse 4 it specifically states he slept with her. It doesn’t say anything about them automatically becoming husband and wife after being intimate with one another.

Or in 1 corianthians 5, Paul calls someone out from the church who, again, is "sleeping" (direct word Paul used himself) with his stepmother. Are they now also husband and wife just for having sex?

Or what about Solomon and his numerous concubines? Were those concubines not also women he was having sexual relations with? But they were never referred to as his wives. If he was having sex with his wives as well as his concubines, but yet his concubines weren’t referred to as his wives, then clearly there’s a distinction there between both groups of women.

So there are verses and stories in the Bible that specifically avoid sex and marriage being equal with one another. That’s where I’m confused and that’s where I’m disagreeing about sex being the one and only thing that solidifies a marriage.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" means to not commit any sexual immorality whatsoever. This is defined by both Old and New Testament scriptures. In Hebrews it says "the marriage bed is not defiled," which means the only proper sexual relationship which is clean in the sight of God is that relationship in which the community (relatives, friends, authorities) have seen and consented to supporting that relationship. This is how it has been since the beginning, as Jesus pointed out, "a man shall leave his father and mother and join with his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." And even though the apostle Paul warned people saying don't have sex with a prostitute because you become one flesh with her (or him), it doesn't mean they are married in the godly sense. Such a marriage, whether temporary or ongoing is a defiled one.

So the question is, what do you do now, besides repent (as an ongoing attitude), which you have done, but he hasn't, obviously. What he has is a misrepresentation of scripture to give himself an excuse to continue trying to get you into bed, yet he is a coward because he is not pursuing an honest relationship with you. It means he hasn't repented. It means he doesn't know what scripture teaches, and apparently is not interested in what God has to say in the matter. That verse he refers to says the Samaritan woman "had" 5 husbands, not "has." And Jesus said, "the one you have now is not your husband." The obvious assumption Jesus is making is that marriage is much more than moving in and sleeping together. It includes vows and other people as witnesses.

I'll be clear that you and he aren't married - marriage has in part a relationship with the community, as traditional marriage has taught us from the beginning, and scripture has no argument against it. There is no law against love, and if he loves you, he will sacrifice his convenience by giving you the relational security you need, a marriage license, and many witnesses to agree to your marriage and to give their blessing, with an ordained minister to officiate. The ceremony and vows are very important to both parties. God is one of promise, and vows are promises people make to each other, and the witnesses in the community are called to support them if times get rough and the marriage goes "on the rocks" so to speak.

Many modern marriages are more marriages of convenience and lust, not the godly type we read about in the Bible and exampled by godly people. It's the reason why half of them all end in divorce. And unfortunately, that attitude has crept into the churches.

You are doing right by refusing to give in to his pressure to sleep with him. But I challenge you to confront his unrepentant attitude. The idea is not to give an ultimatum to force a decision, but rather to see how far he will go in his attitude, whether it be repentive as a Christian should have, or if he remains unrepentant. Amos wrote "how can two walk together unless they agree?" So if he isn't willing to repent, agree on major issues of life, and express vows in a wedding ceremony, and get a marriage license, then I'd say end it immediately and start looking elsewhere. If you do end it, give yourself some time to recover.