confused mother of 22yo no sex but adoption?

[Mama]

I have an adult daughter, she is a VERY Christian. She doesn't want to get married, and have sex at all because of 1 Corinthians 7:8-9.
She wants to adopt a child. She's saying that no point to bring another kid into the world when here are already so many children who need a mother.

it's fine with me, but my own mother is saying it's a crazy idea, and she blames ME for my daughter's decision.
I'm so confused, we live together and argue every day. Please, ANY advice!

 

[tim-from-pa]

I have an adult daughter, she is a VERY Christian. She doesn't want to get married, and have sex at all, but she wants to adopt a child. it's fine with me, but my own mother is saying it's a crazy idea, and she blames ME for my daughter's decision.
I'm so confused, we live together and argue every day. Please, ANY advice!

Just my opinion, but still in the area of biblical advice: I would say that adopting a child without a father is not a good idea. Why? The whole theology of the bible is based on the idea of reproduction, family, etc. Later on we see Paul admonishing youth to obey their parents. Even the 10 commandments say to honor one's father and mother. And Lord knows, there's enough children with basically one parent families today and they don't know who their father even was (this is NOT the same as a child who lost their parent, say as an illness or something because there are still memories to go on). This has put a strain on families. Frankly, I'm not sure if they would consider her a good candidate to adopt anyway.

Enough said. You're daughter's intentions are very honorable indeed, but misguided. Your mother is right in this case, albeit I'm not sure why she's "blaming" you. I don't agree with that attitude if this is truly the case.

 

[Mama]

I'm not sure if they would consider her a good candidate to adopt anyway. .. Your mother is right in this case, albeit I'm not sure why she's "blaming" you. I don't agree with that attitude if this is truly the case.

Thank you so much for reply! My mom blames me, because I always saying that it's my daughter's life and her decision. My daughter said that no point to bring in the world another baby, as a lot of kids already need a mother. In Canada a single woman CAN adopt a child, and my daughter is VERY responsible person. She studying in an University, and works part-time, despite the fact that we have enough money for her study, living expenses, and even a little extra!

My daughter made her decision according 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 :o

 

[eduardo]

Thank you so much for reply! My mom blames me, because I always saying that it's my daughter's life and her decision. My daughter said that no point to bring in the world another baby, as a lot of kids already need a mother. In Canada a single woman CAN adopt a child, and my daughter is VERY responsible person. She studying in an University, and works part-time, despite the fact that we have enough money for her study, living expenses, and even a little extra!

My daughter made her decision according 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 :o

Its always a good ideal to adopt for any reason considering a child given a chance. And the choice for your daughter is her own. God may have other intentions for her then we can see, past traditions. Especially since shes an avid believer, trust that God will bring her up right and get out of the way. Shes right too when she said theres not enough mothers for the orphans. Theres not enough mature mothers with children either. She may have a child of her own when she meets a good partner in the same yoke. Allow God to bring her up because He wants to show her things you can't.

 

[Mama]

Its always a good ideal to adopt for any reason.. Allow God to bring her up because He wants to show her things you can't.

Thank you SO much for your support :p

 

[Knotical]

Though I applaud the idea of adopting, I must wonder at the wisdom of doing so while not being married. A well rounded kid really does need both a father and mother parental influence. I think it is still important to get married even if she does not feel the desire to have children of her own.

 

[Mama]

Though I applaud the idea of adopting, I must wonder at the wisdom of doing so while not being married. A well rounded kid really does need both a father and mother parental influence. I think it is still important to get married even if she does not feel the desire to have children of her own.

My daughter said that better to have a local priest as a male role model for a child then to get married with someone just to have a "creature in pants" in the house. And how to find a man who would agree NOT to have sex at all? :o

 

[Nikki]

No offense to Tim, but I disagree with him. I think your daughter is a wonderful person for wanting to change the life of a child. Children in foster care or in an orphanage just want to be loved and accepted. I think many would be thrilled to have a mother. The child can have male role models many other ways (grandfathers, uncles, etc).

Honestly, if my eyes had been more open and I realized how the world was going to be right now, I wouldn't have had my own. I would have adopted...husband or not. I admire your daughter.

 

[Mama]

Children in foster care or in an orphanage just want to be loved and accepted.

Funny, but after we show my mother some videos of children, who wait for adoption, my mother seems to give up. Of course she cried (who wouldn't) She's now only saying that to be a single mother it's very difficult. But there are so many divorces now, that make lives of children even more miserable.

Thank you for your support!

 

[Hammer]

Paul's advice is for his time, not our's. 1Cor7:25 Now concerning virgins I have no command of the Lord, but I give an opinion as one who by the mercy of the Lord is trustworthy. 26 I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is.

Christians were heavily persecuted and Paul knew that God's judgement, war, against Jerusalem was near. It was a really bad time to be starting a family.

Any single person who wants to adopt should only adopt an older child. Our post-Christian society's bias against marriage is the only reason a single woman would be allowed to adopt a baby.

 

[Mama]

Any single person who wants to adopt should only adopt an older child.

Yes, she wants to adopt a baby about 3-5yo, and use a Christian Day Care, and college.

Thank God, a woman now can be free in her life and not to be forced in marriage. Terri Schiavo had a Christian husband, who killed her brutally but officially. As bioethicist C. Ben Mitchell puts it, the autopsy confirmed "our worst fears: " Terri didn't die from any illness but "at the hands of her husband and his lawyers."

 

[Hammer]

Thank God, a woman now can be free in her life and not to be forced in marriage. Terri Schiavo had a Christian husband, who killed her brutally but officially. As bioethicist C. Ben Mitchell puts it, the autopsy confirmed "our worst fears: " Terri didn't die from any illness but "at the hands of her husband and his lawyers."

She was Catholic, but I believe Terri Schiavo's husband was Jewish.

 

[President]

A two-parent home with father and mother is best. If there are more orphans in society than caregivers, maybe the celibate single mother idea is a good one.

She's only 22, though, and this seems unwise. A lot of people that age who do consider life-long celibacy change their minds. I've seen it.

IMO, it makes more sense for her to work full-time or volunteer taking care of kids at a group home or some kind of social institution, or at least be a foster parent before trying to be a single mother.

Being a single mother on purpose-- that sounds kind of crazy. The child will lack a male role model. For boys, that's tough. For girls, that's tough, and it may be tough on their husbands later on as they struggle to relate to a male and be married all at the same time.

 

[By Grace]

I have an adult daughter, she is a VERY Christian. She doesn't want to get married, and have sex at all because of 1 Corinthians 7:8-9.
She wants to adopt a child. She's saying that no point to bring another kid into the world when here are already so many children who need a mother.

it's fine with me, but my own mother is saying it's a crazy idea, and she blames ME for my daughter's decision.
I'm so confused, we live together and argue every day. Please, ANY advice!

The issue is BOUNDARIES

Grandma seems to have more authority in this issue than either you, or your adult daughter. That is plain nuts!

Your daughter obviously loves Jesus
Your daughter is in college
Your daughter is self reliant.
Your daughter is supporting herself financially through college.
Your daughter wants to adopt a young child.
Your daughter does not want to have sex out of wedlock.
Your daughter does not want to get pregnant, and sully her reputation.

Where is the "bad thing" in all of the above? there is nothing wrong with any of those things, agreed?

So then why does granny have a hissy fit, and why do you permit her to get YOU to get bent out of shape?
I get it that your family is matriarchal.
I get it that your daughter's wish are unconventional, to say the least. BUT NONE OF THOSE CONSTITUTE A SIN ON THE PART OF YOUR DAUGHTER (for emphasis sake)

The fact that you live together makes it difficult, but YOU are the one who needs to take steps to prevent yourself being torn, because it is you who is permitting the situation to exist. Granny knows that she can control you, and I guess that it is her home. However, she is treating you like a child and telling you to "discipline your daughter". She also knows that she "is in control of the house", and the penalties of disagreeing with her can be severe, and can can "hurt you". Since your daughter is an adult, and acting that way, you also need to do likewise, and stand up to your mother, and demand that she observe the correct boundaries.

If she refuses to do that, then leaving may be necessary. That seems rough, but not leaving gives her tacit permission to meddle between you and your daughter. The situation will not improve if you do not take clear steps to stop your mother from her trespassing into the relationship between you and your daughter; it will surely exacerbate because for some reason you permitted it. Really, is that reason sufficient to risk the potential of loosing contact with your daughter, and adopted child?

Mama, you are concerned about the fluff, but not the real issues behind the fluff. Your mother has trespassed into your life, and into your daughter's life. You did not mention a hubby, but from what your mother has done to your daughter, I am surprised that she does not monitor your dates with Christian men, if you do date.

If you are disabled, and are dependent on your mother for providing some needs, then you need to contact an assisted living organization, which can help disabled people to life independent lives. Whatever the case is, you need to draw the non-negotiable boundary lines so you can live free of your mother's domineering influence over you and your daughter. Saying "I can't do that" is like hanging a sign on your back, saying "please kick me" on your back, then wondering why your mother so frequently kicks you in the rear with her abusive boundary breaking.

Stand up to the boundary breaking of your mother. She is no longer parenting you. You are an adult. Act like one.

 

[handy]

While having a two parent household is best, if she's looking to adopting a child that is currently in foster care, then the child isn't having "best" anyway... and a loving, stable home with mommy and grannies is certainly better than remaining in foster care.

My main concerns are these: She's still a student. This means that she still hasn't established herself in a career. No matter how "progressive" a nation Canada is, it's still not a good idea for a single woman to become a single parent when she has no solid idea of what her future employment will look like.

Secondly, her age. At 22, and still single, she's pretty young to be looking to adopt a 3 to 5 year old. (I have to admit, I am a bit confused as to the age of child she's thinking about... a 3 to 5 year old child is by no means a baby. Is she looking to adopt an older child or a baby?)

I adopted both of my children when they were 3.5 years and children at that age, who have been in foster care, have a lot of special needs... Not the least of which is the very real necessity to provide as stable a home/life environment as possible. Many times, if they were bounced around in foster care, they have some pretty deep seated attachment issues and day-care, even a solid Christian day-care isn't a very good idea at all. I worked at a very good Christian day-care for over 12 years and the turn-over rate in staff and in children is quite high. Children who have attachment issues (as many if not most older adoptees do) need people staying constant in their lives, not coming and going.

Now, for a single woman who will need to work, she can still work this out, but she should look into a full time nanny who will be in for the long haul (Grandma perhaps?). Also, she'll want to make sure that she isn't planning on making a lot of moves. Children with attachment issues really, truly need that consistent home life... moving from home to home, being switched from day-care centers or school... all that makes the issues far worse. When my daughter's first grade teacher needed to quit, her therapist recommended that we homeschool her because the school was going to finish the year with a succession of substitute teachers. The coming and going of teachers would be too much for her. I can't over-emphasize the necessity of stability for children adopted from foster care.

At this point in her life, your daughter isn't established enough to know whether or not she'll be able to provide for the long-term, stable, consistent home that a 3 to 5 year old will need. Perhaps after she's graduated, has worked in her field to beyond entry level and has scoped out how stable her life will be, she'll be able to adopt. By that time, she'll also know whether or not she's truly "called to be single" or not. Perhaps she is and will remain single... or perhaps she'll meet a guy in a couple of years that will *ahem* "make her burn"...

...and perhaps that guy will be just as open as she is to adoption. My husband certainly was, although we adopted due to infertility issues.

I would encourage your daughter to keep this idea in mind, but to finish university and establish herself a bit more before moving forward on it.

As for your mom... I've no doubt that she'll come around. My husband's grandmother was of an age when people "stayed with their own kind"... not really bigoted, but certainly didn't believe in the idea of mixed race marriages or culturally blended families. Yet when we brought our son home, nobody loved him any more than Grandma K... she was the Grandma he went to for a hug, a story...she'd slip him a snack when he'd be hungry because he wouldn't eat his lunch. Almost every afternoon Grandma K would rock both Thomas and herself to sleep for an afternoon nap. They were very close until she passed away.

 

[CORE]

My daughter made her decision according 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

I feel in no way compelled to give advice nor offer an opinion as to whether or not your daughter should adopt a child...it's not my place and feel that doing so would be an exercise in futility, especially over the internet regarding such an important and sensitive issue/decision for someone I've never met.

...but I do feel compelled to discuss the scripture you posted above. That is what is important to me.

Yes, it is true that Paul writes that it is good for unmarried believers to remain single as he is, if they can exercise self control....but the important thing to note is why? Why is it good to remain single? I believe the answer follows in verses 32-35

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Corinthians 7:32-35
"I want you to be free from anxieties.

The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife,<sup class="versenum"> </sup>and his interests are divided.

And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. <sup class="versenum"> </sup>

I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So though your daughter's decision is not about getting married, it is about bringing someone into her life that may divide her interests and affect her devotion to the Lord.

Now again, I'm not saying that she should or shouldn't adopt, nor that this part of scripture suggests that she should or shouldn't adopt...I'm just saying that perhaps 1 Corinthians 7 may not be the best scripture used to justify adoption.

It's always a good idea to rely on scripture to help make those tough decisions in life, but sometimes I find "gray areas" that aren't necessarily spelled out for me and give a specific answer, and that's ok...we have a certain freedom in Christ.

1Corinthians 10:23 states:
“Everything is permissibleâ€â€”but not everything is beneficial.
“Everything is permissibleâ€â€”but not everything is constructive.

When making certain decisions that aren't clearly defined in scripture as being right or wrong I think we need to ask several questions? (Note that these are somewhat subjective and some may or may not relate to adoption)

-Will it have a profitable spiritual impact?
-Will it contribute to spiritual development/edification?
-Will it be an encumbrance, weigh you down and dampen your enthusiasm for God?
-Will it control you? (we should not be mastered by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12)
-Will it be used to cover up some type of sin in our life?(1Peter 2:16)
-Will this issue violate your conscience or train you to violate your conscience?
-Will it help others by it's example or will it become a stumbling block?
-Will it lead others to Christ?

I believe once we pray and honestly reflect on those questions, we will be properly prepared to make a decision and be able to accept whatever answer we get.

Also...I noticed you've thanked the posters here for their support, but I want to thank you personally for creating this thread. As I was reading 1 Corinthians preparing myself to respond to your post, I was finally given a bit of relief and closure with regard to a very painful loss/dilemma in my life that has been tormenting me for over 10 years now. The power of Scripture never ceases to amaze me.

God Bless!

 

[deoppressoliber]

Paul spoke frequently about a parent's wisdom, so keep that in mind.

I'd say the first priority is figuring out the living situation. Living with your daughter and daily arguments means hostility and stress, none of which is healthy for anyone. Raising a child is an enormous responsibility which requires substantial evidence of parenting aptitude, maturity and a plethora of skills. Besides, wanting a child is only part of the equation. An adoption agency or the state will require reams and reams of information, preparation, planning, paperwork and money. If you adopt from an agency it could be a year or longer.

But you'll need a year to start preparing for some clever answers as to exactly how a single college student plans to raise a baby solo.

Not saying its a bad idea, just saying be prepared.

 

[seagullplayer]

What does your husband or her grandfather have to say about this?

 

[dinoguy]

I agree with CORE. Paul's verses hinge on a servant of God not being distracted by caring for another person. It seems to me your daughter will be MORE distracted than a married woman with a husband because she will not have a "helpmate" to assist her.
Also, does she really have that much time between classes, studying, and her job that she can raise a presumably emotionally needy child?
Isn't she volunteering you and her grandmother to be the helpmate she does not want?
I don't know where you live or what your daughter is studying, but graduation from college is not a guarantee that she will have a good paying, steady, unstressful job when she finishes.
Her intentions are admirable, but I think she needs to wait until she has her own household established before taking on that responsibility.
Just my opinion.

 

[reba]

To purposefully raise a child with only half its parents is selfish. Better then some other choices but still selfish.