Dealing with criticism

[Claudya]

That's something I'm struggling with. I'm the type of person that needs constant positive feedback and approval from others in order to feel somewhat positive. If somebody criticises something I do, then they don't just criticise something I said or did, but they disapprove of my entire self and negate my right to be alive. Or at least that's what it feels like. So I ususally respond with anger and aggression and some very childish behaviour, which leads to some more negative consequences.
Many times when I get criticised and overreact I descend into self hatred so quick that I seem to lose control of myself and harm myself and others in some way.
Making things worse, it's not only real criticism that causes my dark side to take over, it's also imagined or expected criticism that didn't even happen or was a mere misunderstanding, and since I'm expecting to be disliked and rejected everywhere I also see criticism and rejection everywhere. And on a side note, my brain seems to be unable to distinguish rejection and criticism although intellectually I know that those two things are different.
So I'm really in a bad mental situation, fearing and expecting to be criticised and hated everywhere I am too scared to face life and to risk relating to people. Things like starting a thread take a lot of courage.
I'm working on those issues and I have professional help and many people that pray for healing for me.
But I've also had a number of disheartening setbacks lately. :-(

Anway, I've been wanting to ask you how you deal with criticism and negative feedback.
Does it hurt you, or do you see something positive on it? And if you see something positive, what is it?
Have you had a time in your life when you had trouble handling criticism, and if so, what helped you learn it?
Does it make a difference whether the reprimand you receive is justified or unjustified, and if it is friendly or harsh? Do you feel like criticism changes the way you regard yourself (does criticism put a dent into your self-esteem or can you just shrug it off or even embrace it, without being hurt)? Any idea how to sit through the negative emotions that come up after being criticised?

Thanks for all answers, I appreciate your thoughts a lot.

 

[stovebolts]

Hi Claudya,

I understand your feelings and actually feel the same way much of the time. I may appear to have thick skin, but it's not as thick as I portray. Anyone who really knows me knows this of me.
When I was younger, becoming indifferent was my coping mechanism and remains my primary response to this day. Unfortunately, if I let that be my primary guide, it always brings out my self pride, and I'm not one to usually back down from a confrontation because of my pride. If I'm honest, I've been working on that for years because it's not who I want to be, or become so it's something that I try to keep in check.

One thing about this forum is that there is varying opinions on a wide array of topics. One of the things I would like to see this site get better at would be loving one another despite these differences when in fact the differences are disputable,and often theological disputes. Instead, I'd like to see us all grow as a community allowing each one to be where they are in Christ and our disputes could be laden with understanding and grace toward one another. I know, it's a lofty idea, but maybe, just maybe with prayer we could all come to that place of mutual edification, even through our differences.

As far as being reprimanded, nobody likes it and I for one don't enjoy reprimanding those on this site who consistently violate the TOS. Proverbs says, "Rebuke a fool, and he will hate you. Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you even more." I think we can learn a lot from this, and we shouldn't do things that will cause others to hate us, but it is a reality when people get passionate about a topic or their life story. When I get reprimanded, especially when it's from a Brother in Christ, I know that he / she is speaking from the Lord, and I take that into consideration when it's from their heart, and not in retaliation. If they are retaliating, I wash my hands of it and the conversation ends immediately before my pride kicks in and I pray for guidance in the matter. If they are reprimanding me with concern for me, then I am more able to see my error, and that always calls me into repentance and our friendship usually grows because I can trust their judgment.

In short, being criticized generally hurts us all whether we show it or not. Some of us are just better at hiding that hurt, while maybe a slim percentage of others may have a seared conscience toward it.

 

[jasoncran]

I thought we were alike in this manner.often the devil makes us feel that we are the only ones who are different and cant cope. I wish I know now when I was younger perhaps some bad decisions could have been avoided and a bad relationship with some women also avoided. I have learned this from medina and when I see him I will let him know that I posted this saying.he is a believer and ties in what he teaches to the faith.

in jujitsu there is winning and learning, if you didn't win then you learned

 

[Obadiah]

Gee, I thought you were describing me!!! I distinctly remember a note my 1st grade teacher sent home with my report card that told my parents I "respond well to praise." In other works, I DON'T respond as well to criticism. I think this is a personality trait that people like us are born with and we can't really change. As we grow up and mature we learn to deal with it, and we even can learn to understand that criticism CAN be constructive, but deep down inside we never just naturally accept that. We always have to keep reminding ourselves that our deep feelings aren't necessarily reality.

And another part of the battle for people like us is that not all "criticism" is indeed meant to be constructive or helping to us. Many people subtly disguise their need to make themselves feel better by cutting down those around them with criticism that sounds like it should be good and helpful, but our subconscious is screaming at us that they are really trying to hurt us. (Many of these people try to justify their rudeness and carelessness by referring to themselves as "just being honest"!) In these cases, your feelings are justified! It's really sad that more people don't learn the art of real constructive criticism and how to effectively communicate it. When it's done right, the person receiving it will almost always feel helped and many times not even realize they have been "criticized".

How many of us have read the entire book of James? (It's not very long, go read it.) One thing the book of James is, is an example of how to communicate in a positive way. It's a request for a favor rather than a criticism, but there's a formula there of a combination of praise, friendly and subtle reminders of debt owed to the requester (since in this case the communicator is asking for a favor in return), more praise, and the request. The receiver is glad to grant the request BECAUSE of the way it was presented. Few people know how to communicate in this way, whether it be asking for a favor or delivering constructive criticism.

So don't beat yourself up too badly for this. Remember that it's not all your fault. You can do your part to try to act in a mature way, but when that seems to fail always remember to ask yourself if it was really your failure (in which case you can try to learn from it and do a little better) or was it the fault of the person giving you the criticism because they were really not being helpful to you even though they might have tried to appear that way (in which case, you are justified in feeling bad because of it).

 

[reba]

Well add another to the huddle ;)::: here we are all different yet all the same.... So very thankful to know God sees us through the Blood of Jesus!

 

[Rollo Tamasi]

Nobody likes criticism
That's one thing I recognize in you Claudya, you're just like me in that regard.
But accepting criticism without flying off the handle is another step toward a closer relationship with God.

 

[jasoncran]

Well add another to the huddle ;)::: here we are all different yet all the same.... So very thankful to know God sees us through the Blood of Jesus!

there is only ONE thread derailer. there can be only one!

 

[Claudya]

Thanks for all the responses. I am surprised that so many so you can identify with and relate to my issues. I wouldn't have thought that, because you just don't appear to be like that.
That's one thing I noticed in several people struggling with mental health problems: they get so absorbed in themselves and the things that haunt them that they lose (or never really gain) the ability to look into other people's hearts. That's one thing I must practice. I've stepped on other people's feelings many times, because being convinced that I am the only suffering victim and everyone else is happy I carelessly acted out my momentary emotions.
It's good to realise that many of us are fighting the same battle. People with self esteem issues often see everyone else as threats, judges, or rivals. But the truth is God made us so we can be friends and allies to each other and fellowship is a lot about helping each other win the battle for our souls. But in order to make true fellowship come true we need to learn to put our egos away, at least temporarily.

Now how is that related to the topic. If we learn to put our egos away criticism and rejections would be a lot less threatening. They would be either helpful (if we can learn from it) or irrelevant.
Having healthy and independent (or God-dependent) egos is actually part of our spiritual journey as christians.

Hope what I say makes sense. It makes sense in my head, but I can't really draw all those inter-connected thoughts into words.
Anyway, I was just going to say that by reminding me (and each other) that others have similar problems you have already helped me (and each other maybe) and motivated me to keep working on my healing.

 

[Claudya]

there is only ONE thread derailer. there can be only one!

When Farouk enters this thread an epic battle for who is the ONE thread derailer will enuse.

 

[farouk]

When Farouk enters this thread an epic battle for who is the ONE thread derailer will enuse.

 

[Claudya]

Nobody likes criticism
That's one thing I recognize in you Claudya, you're just like me in that regard.
But accepting criticism without flying off the handle is another step toward a closer relationship with God.

Hm, I'm thinking that receiving and heeding constructive criticism can be a good way of getting better at things/ growing spiritually.
Shouldn't we like that kind of feedback?
After spending almost the whole day wondering about what criticism means and why it's good or bad I found myself *longing* to be criticised during karate practice tonight. Usually martial arts training is one of the most challenging things. But I didn't get as much feedback and correction as I would have wanted.
(I know things are not gonna stay that way though. *sigh*) So I'm thinking that in general it would be possible to genuinely like construcitive and approbriate criticism.

On the other hand you're probably right, and almost everyone would rather get ego candy and praise rather than criticism. It would be wisdom to chose grwoth over ego candy. And getting wisdom is a long process of learning not to take oneself too seriously, that's why it often only comes with age, when we've had time to learn to let go of selfish needs. Maybe in a few decades we will get there. ;)

My problem is, I often fly off the handle when I receive too much negative feedback or even benevolent corrective advice, it's like something is remote controlling me. Cognitive behavioural therapy is good for learning to control one's thoughts and behaviour, but oftentimes I get so overwhelmed and flooded by my emotions that I snap and fly off the handle before I even realise what's going on. It's hard to intervene and stop oneself when things happen so fast. I need to learn to recognise early warning signs. Gonna be a long learning path. Can't wait to resume my therapy.
You are totally right, we must learn that our value is something God has given to us as an indefeasible gift when He made each of us. And if we allow others to make us doubt our value we doubt God and blaspheme against His work.

 

[Claudya]

Well add another to the huddle ;)::: here we are all different yet all the same.... So very thankful to know God sees us through the Blood of Jesus!

 

[Deborah13]

Thanks for all the responses. I am surprised that so many so you can identify with and relate to my issues. I wouldn't have thought that, because you just don't appear to be like that.
That's one thing I noticed in several people struggling with mental health problems: they get so absorbed in themselves and the things that haunt them that they lose (or never really gain) the ability to look into other people's hearts. That's one thing I must practice. I've stepped on other people's feelings many times, because being convinced that I am the only suffering victim and everyone else is happy I carelessly acted out my momentary emotions.
It's good to realise that many of us are fighting the same battle. People with self esteem issues often see everyone else as threats, judges, or rivals. But the truth is God made us so we can be friends and allies to each other and fellowship is a lot about helping each other win the battle for our souls. But in order to make true fellowship come true we need to learn to put our egos away, at least temporarily.

Now how is that related to the topic. If we learn to put our egos away criticism and rejections would be a lot less threatening. They would be either helpful (if we can learn from it) or irrelevant.
Having healthy and independent (or God-dependent) egos is actually part of our spiritual journey as christians.

Hope what I say makes sense. It makes sense in my head, but I can't really draw all those inter-connected thoughts into words.
Anyway, I was just going to say that by reminding me (and each other) that others have similar problems you have already helped me (and each other maybe) and motivated me to keep working on my healing.

You are making perfect sense to me.

 

[Mike S]

How do I deal with criticism? Differently when it comes from someone I'm friends with, or someone I know almost not at all. With friends, I take crticism with no problem, considering it to be friendly advice. With others it depends on whether the criticism comes with arrogance or not. When I see arrogance or condescention, I respond with a sharp rebuke. I probably shouldn't do that, I should probably just brush it off and walk away, but I find that difficult to do.

 

[Vaccine]

It's good to realise that many of us are fighting the same battle. People with self esteem issues often see everyone else as threats, judges, or rivals. But the truth is God made us so we can be friends and allies to each other and fellowship is a lot about helping each other win the battle for our souls. But in order to make true fellowship come true we need to learn to put our egos away, at least temporarily.

It took me some time to see we are all on the same side here. Even if I don't always point it out I have been encouraged by yours and others posts here.

I know what you mean about courage to start a new thread, too. I tend to not like confrontations and sometimes wonder why I put myself in the fray. But I have learned a lot from the people on this forum. I've also noticed sometimes it's hard to read people's tone or attitude just from text only on the internet. Good stuff though.

"But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." Heb 3:13

This always lifts me up, I hope it encourages someone here:
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7YY6L7NX

 

[Claudya]

I thought we were alike in this manner.often the devil makes us feel that we are the only ones who are different and cant cope. I wish I know now when I was younger perhaps some bad decisions could have been avoided and a bad relationship with some women also avoided. I have learned this from medina and when I see him I will let him know that I posted this saying.he is a believer and ties in what he teaches to the faith.

in jujitsu there is winning and learning, if you didn't win then you learned

Yea I remember you were telling us about your struggle with self loathing. Did you ever figure out how to handle and defeat those thoughts?
I agree it's terrible, not enough that we are suffering from our self-hatred, we are also mislead to believe that we are the only ones suffering from it, and thus a) alone, and b) even more worthless, failing at something everyone else seems to be able to handle.
If that's the devil's work then he's chosen a strategic spot to attack us. The devil is a liar, and making us think we are alone with our torment is a lie.

It's funny that you mention ju-jitsu. I often have big trouble during martial arts practice dealing with friendly and approbriate criticism I get from trainers or fellow students. Martial arts can be a mental challenge much more than a physical one.
And one of my kendo trainers says something similar: You learn much more from a fight you lose than from a fight you win.
Not looking forward to that experience, though.

 

[Claudya]

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I wanted to answer to each of you, but real life distracetd me and it's 3:45 now....(Lucky for me I can sleep in.)
So I'll respond tomorrow (that is, later today for me, tomorrow for most of you).

 

[Nick]

there is only ONE thread derailer. there can be only one!

And that's YOU!

 

[jasoncran]

Yea I remember you were telling us about your struggle with self loathing. Did you ever figure out how to handle and defeat those thoughts?
I agree it's terrible, not enough that we are suffering from our self-hatred, we are also mislead to believe that we are the only ones suffering from it, and thus a) alone, and b) even more worthless, failing at something everyone else seems to be able to handle.
If that's the devil's work then he's chosen a strategic spot to attack us. The devil is a liar, and making us think we are alone with our torment is a lie.
It's funny that you mention ju-jitsu. I often have big trouble during martial arts practice dealing with friendly and approbriate criticism I get from trainers or fellow students. Martial arts can be a mental challenge much more than a physical one.
And one of my kendo trainers says something similar: You learn much more from a fight you lose than from a fight you win.
Not looking forward to that experience, though.

yes as I heard from I think scientists failure is needful so that we can learn and find the right method or answer. No I still have that but I have tried to learn not feed it. I will ask medina more on this. im sure he would something to say. I did mention you to him last night. that fear of failing will cripple you and me if we don't learn to overcome it.

 

[stovebolts]

yes as I heard from I think scientists failure is needful so that we can learn and find the right method or answer. No I still have that but I have tried to learn not feed it. I will ask medina more on this. im sure he would something to say. I did mention you to him last night. that fear of failing will cripple you and me if we don't learn to overcome it.

I agree, and I've also heard the failures of scientists is the needful... hey wait, look at that!
Squirrel!