dealing with toxic parents or in laws

[jahjahwarrior]

Do you have toxic parents or in laws? If so, how do you deal with them?

My wife is the oldest of 12 kids. 4 of them are biological and the other 8 are foster kids who eventually got adopted (my wife included). My brothers and sisters in law range between 6-20 or so years old (yes, I have brothers and sister in laws young enough to be my kids). My mother and father can be very controlling and manipulative people. When my wife was still growing up and living with her family, her parents would always have her constantly babysit the younger siblings while they go out and do whatever they want. When my wife and I first started dating, her parents hated me and disapproved of my wife dating me. Our relationship got rather serious (which often it does when you're dating the person God has planned to be your future spouse) and I think they must've perceived that as a threat to their way of life, because even though she was already grown up, out of high school and in her early twenties, they still wanted to control her life and not let her have her own life and spread her wings. They eventually found out that I was in debt because one of my best friends whom I've known since childhood decided to financially screw me over, which in turn refueled my bitterness and anger towards him. Anyways, to make a long story short, my wife (then girlfriend) moved out on her own because she grew tired of her parents controlling her and giving her crap about dating me. Shortly, thereafter, my in laws decided to take in another teenage girl and later adopt her. I won't mention her name publicly online, so we'll just refer to her as "Jane". Ironically after months of working a second job to get out of debt, my now in laws eventually came around and accepted me as a part of the family. In the meantime, just like my wife in the past, Jane was overloaded with baby sitting duty while the in laws did whatever they pleased and she grew sick of it. A few months ago, Jane turned 18, rebelled against her parents, packed her suitcase and left for good. The next day, she dropped out of high school and started spreading lies about my in laws abusing their kids. Needless to say, that stirred up some trouble. Just the other day, Jane happens to be in the area and decides to come to our house to say hi to our landlord (who happens to be long time friends of my in laws and lives next door to us). I go into the house and tell my wife that Jane is here, and she comes out to say hi to her and give her a hug. After my mother in law found out about that, she calls my wife on her cell phone and starts giving her a nasty attitude and gets pissed off just because she gave Jane a hug and tell her hi. She starts accusing my wife of being a "fake" and stabbing the family in the back. As a result, we were suddenly not allowed to attend my brother in law's high school graduation and my mother in law unfriended us on Facebook. She also has been sending nasty text messages and when my wife defends herself, my mother in law plays the "disrespect card" and pulls the "honor your father and mother" on her. One of my sister in laws also has been sending my wife nasty texts, so I have no doubt my mother in law (being the gossip queen she is) is viscously slandering my wife and is turning the family against her. There's no denying what Jane did was wrong, but I know that my wife is anything but a fake or a back stabber. She was simply being polite and showing love to her otherwise rebellious sister. It was always been in my wife's nature to show love and compassion for others, even if they are less deserving of it. And now my mother in law refuses to speak to my wife because of this nonsense.

I do wholeheartedly believe that we should honor our father and mother, but I don't believe that command in the bible gives parents the right to manipulate their adult children or obligate adult children to take abuse from their parents. I always did and will show respect for my in laws. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life being controlled, manipulated or abused by them. And anytime they attack my wife or myself, I will defend my wife's dignity, which sadly in my mother in law's eyes makes me "disrespectful". She loves to play the disrespect card the same way manipulative black people play the " racist" card (no disrespect intended towards African Americans). I don't know if my mother in law is a drama queen by nature or if she's going crazy from being married to a verbally abusive husband. But she is clearly overreacting and acting like my wife punched her in the face and stole her money.

Do any of you have toxic parents or in laws? If so, how do you deal with them? Any thoughts?

 

[Kathi]

I did not have toxic parents but I did have a toxic MIL once.I will have to give that some thought.It was not easy

 

[AirDancer]

I had toxic in-laws. Very toxic, not only towards me but for my children as well. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say I prayed for them daily, and limited the amount of time my kids and I spent with them. I, too, heard the "honor thy father and mother" line, and after a lengthy period of time, I peacefully reminded them that their son was married and therefore his parents were not above me and the kids. (Our Lord being first and foremost in my life, but not their's.)

They are no longer alive, but I prayed for them until they passed. They didn't change; they became worse as they aged.

Not sure how this situation will turn out for you & your wife, jahjahwarrior , but you & your family are in my prayers.

 

[YogiD2]

With out going into much detail. I dealt with a situation. My dad and his family was never in my life ... and my mom has "issues"... now i keep my distance from my mom and my whole moms side of the family and really have not spoken to them in some time. I pray for all them and our situation. But I also keep my silence. I'm "exiled", "outcasted", rejected, "scorned", disrespected,...............

 

[Edward]

I used to have a toxic MIL. We banged heads a few times, but for the most part, I simply dealt to her very much respect and tip toed around her and was pretty quiet. I probably save quite a bit of contention in doing so.

i deal with my friends toxic wives the same way. Show them much respect and try not to talk to them and when I have to, much respect and politeness.

 

[turnorburn]

My mom and dad put as much distance they could between both of their families and moved to a different state.. we did just fine we did great.. Then when i got married we stayed fairly close to the relatives and went through the things your talking about. God has a very nice recipe for marriage and I'm sure each and everyone of you know what it is, if n you don't follow it well you know..

tob

 

[Nikki]

WHAT?! You mean I'm not the only one with toxic in-laws?! Mine are complete nuts. Sorry, but I'm just being honest.

 

[Knotical]

My parents aren't necessarily "toxic" but we do disagree on a number of things, which has forced me to limit the amount of time we spend with them. It is possible to honor your parents, as the bible commands, but it is also possible to shepherd your family the best way you can.

Currently, I am still forced to limit the amount of time my parents spend with my family, due to not wanting to discuss our differences and come to a biblical resolution.

I am hoping that changes soon, but they say you can only lead a horse to water. I have tried contacting my parents to open the lines of communication, there just has been no response from their end.

 

[Edward]

WHAT?! You mean I'm not the only one with toxic in-laws?! Mine are complete nuts. Sorry, but I'm just being honest.

No, you are not alone brother. Do keep in mind though that the toxicity stems not from them themselves. They are simply in need of help and guidance through the Lord. So don't hold it against them, it is the enemy and not them. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood...

 

[Nikki]

No, you are not alone brother. Do keep in mind though that the toxicity stems not from them themselves. They are simply in need of help and guidance through the Lord. So don't hold it against them, it is the enemy and not them. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood...

OH, but they claim that everyone else around them is evil and that WE are the ones that are "full of the devil". I'm telling you, they're nuts.

 

[Edward]

OH, but they claim that everyone else around them is evil and that WE are the ones that are "full of the devil". I'm telling you, they're nuts.

Oh, i hear you brother. for sure. People are harder to deal with than evil spirits. With evil spirits you can simply say begone in the name of Jesus and they will leave. People will laugh at you if you say that to them and sit right down.

And you're supposed to forgive them! That's so hard. my kids mess me over fairly regularly. On drugs, stealing from me, all sort of evilness. I work through it and somehow find forgiveness in my heart...then tomorrow they do something else to me and I have to start over again. Gah!

 

[Nordica]

Yes, I've been in a similar position with relatives on my husband's side. I found out that first and foremost you can't change them. I tried hard at the beginning, but then realized it was futile. So you just have to accept that is the way how they are for the time being. You can't change them, they can't change themselves, only God can, so you could pray for them that God would open their eyes. Secondly, you should set boundaries. Be respectful and polite, but don't let them manipulate you. If they get upset or angry, try not to give in (it requires a lot of prayer and fruit of the Holy Spirit to be produced in your life); it is only your reaction that matters and that you can control, not theirs. You can;t please everybody. If they start name-calling, that is their problem, not yours.Try to limit your time with them, and let your wife do the talking to her parents; it is much easier for in-laws to receive information from their daughter rather than from their son-in-law.

 

[Warrior4Jesus]

My wife's mother is toxic. She is a strong willed Hispanic Matriarch. She has her fingers in every figurative pie. She pulls the strings. When she tells her children to do something they do it and she intrudes in their lives as much. She doesn't so much as hate me but she does not like the fact that I feel I should be in charge of what goes on in my household and My wife and I's lives. The biggest problem is though that I don't trust her. Honestly I don't really trust anyone but my wife. My wife has 2 children a Son and a daughter and I was extremely happy to gain a daughter from our union. I bought her a car so she could continue to go to her old school when we moved in together. I wanted to make them happy and welcome. But as everything goes with me I am not willing to bend on what I feel is right and I had to stand ground on my beliefs which made us clash. I took on the role of the evil mean step dad quickly they fought me every step of the way. Next summer she wanted to move to her dad's in another state so she could graduate in that state and have cheaper tuition for college as she wanted to go to college in that state. the last 6 months we lived together she shut herself from her mother and I planting seeds of doubt and evil in her younger brother. So she moved and tensions grew between her son and I. His father would say one thing to my face and then another to his son privately. I had no support. His mother was content to let me deal with her son however I saw fit but didn't provide that united front that was needed as she still was mourning the loss of her daughter. So along came January 2015 and to those that read my first post know that was the accident that my wife suffered a terrible loss. I told her son that he had 2 choices. He could stay and be here for his mother or he could go to his dad's but whichever decision he made I was going to hold him to it. He chose to be here for his mother and I told him we would get through it and bent over backwards to provide the most stable life for him as possible. to make a long story short the entire time I was trying to help and do and be the pillar he would stab me in the back and just kept getting distant and more distant. At one point in time I said to myself forget it! good riddance but all i could think of was my wife waking up devastated that now she had lost both of her children and I decided I could endure. So the child custody arrangement between my wife and the children's father was that he got them for the summer and I was required to send them out and he never returned as his father pulled the I'm not sending him back bit. There is still no changed court order and he is violating the agreement and the law. Knowing I had/have no money or resources he is getting away with it and I have the extreme displeasure every day of explaining to my wife why her kids are not here and holding her until she stops crying and it breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. So my wife has a brain injury and requires a Guardian and conservator as she no longer has the memory to handle her own finances. Now I am trying to get away from being her guardian because I think her decision making skills are adequate. So back to her mother..... Her mother has seen what the ex husband did and is trying to take my wife away from me to go live with her which is not what my wife wants. To be honest my wife said if she had to live with her mother she would kill herself. My wife's mother has never had a good thing to say to her, she is always too fat, too much acne, too much oil in her hair etc etc, not enough exercise. the nitpicking in law from hell. So I don't trust her. She when she visits tells me I'm a lousy housekeeper, I don't do enough, I'm not taking good enough care of my wife, She could do better etc etc. She doesn't understand when no means no. My wife's therapists say I am doing a great job and she is improving far better than any other clients they have. this is 90% my wife and 10% me and 100% God. If she would just be content to love on her daughter and trust that God has her daughter in a good place and will continue to sustain her things would be easier and I would want to converse with her more and would feel comfortable having my wife go visit her. But right now my wife needs stability and comfort and familiarity. This cannot happen with a woman she does not want to be with for any longer than a short visit or in a place that is not the only home she remembers from the immediate future. I dread every conversation and dread legal action. Given all the circumstances I'm not even 100% sure I can count on God to come to my aid in the event her mother would come after her legally. Not that he couldn't but that he would. There is no promise he would I can count on. I can only hope with fear and trembling. So pray for me and pray for my wife that she gets better faster and can handle her own affairs and I don't have to.

 

[Eugene]

.
Dear Father, you have Warrior4Jesus here with us for reason, and I'm asking that You show him the grace to approach each battle ahead in faith that what is right for him and his sweet wife will be done according to your love of them. Help them to accept Your will for them, and bring about the prosperity to their lives needed to restore their ability have a life of hope that glorifies You. Bring peace to their family, heal separations, and gladden their walk with You that will be a testimony to all. Thank You Father, and I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.
Blessings in Christ Jesus.
.

 

[Warrior4Jesus]

Thank you and I do apologize for so much negative information but I believe you understand I would not choose to have this stuff happen if I had any control over it. I genuinely try to run from conflict and negativity unless it goes against my beliefs and what's right. I consider myself to be a person that despises the injustices of the world and I wish I could do something to right the wrongs.