Disagreements in Marriage

[follwingchristaslily]

I have been married for almost a year, (in January) but I have found something that works wonders in my marriage. There is something that Jesus taught and I would like to call it "solving our differences peacefully" lol, basically Jesus goes in Matthew 18:15-17 and he talks about what to do if your brother sins against you, and he talks about how to forgive your brother and how to talk through the issue with your brother, he mentions it again in Luke 17: 3-4. I found these because my Husband and I were having a very rough time getting through our problems for about a month straight, after we first got married and I felt like we we're just hitting a wall, I felt like I had no where to go and we couldn't talk to one another because we weren't listening to each other. I came upon this while reading the Bible and I showed it to my husband and he agreed with it completely, and so we sat down and we started talking, and when we couldn't come to an agreement we brought in a friend and asked them what they thought about the situation, whether someone needed to apologize or whether the other one was right and the other was wrong, we asked our friend to use fair judgement and to make sure they weren't abusing the position we had given to him. Now we live in a christian community, with other believers so it might be a little easier to do what we do, because we are missionaries. I would still recommend that you all try this.

I hope this helps a few, if anyone sees this. xx

 

[Not_Now.Soon]

That's awesome. Glad to hear it.

 

[Truthfrees]

I have been married for almost a year, (in January) but I have found something that works wonders in my marriage. There is something that Jesus taught and I would like to call it "solving our differences peacefully" lol, basically Jesus goes in Matthew 18:15-17 and he talks about what to do if your brother sins against you, and he talks about how to forgive your brother and how to talk through the issue with your brother, he mentions it again in Luke 17: 3-4. I found these because my Husband and I were having a very rough time getting through our problems for about a month straight, after we first got married and I felt like we we're just hitting a wall, I felt like I had no where to go and we couldn't talk to one another because we weren't listening to each other. I came upon this while reading the Bible and I showed it to my husband and he agreed with it completely, and so we sat down and we started talking, and when we couldn't come to an agreement we brought in a friend and asked them what they thought about the situation, whether someone needed to apologize or whether the other one was right and the other was wrong, we asked our friend to use fair judgement and to make sure they weren't abusing the position we had given to him. Now we live in a christian community, with other believers so it might be a little easier to do what we do, because we are missionaries. I would still recommend that you all try this.

I hope this helps a few, if anyone sees this. xx

this sounds very interesting

do you have a few stories of how there was a disagreement and how this worked out when the friend gave his 3rd opinion? - like:

1. did he sometimes think you both were wrong? -
2. what were the disagreements over? - something found in scripture or something not mentioned in scripture?
3. what made you choose this specific friend?

very inspiring post - thank you for sharing

i love how you are committed to living by God's instructions in the bible - makes sense - God's words are alive pure perfect wise

 

[follwingchristaslily]

this sounds very interesting

do you have a few stories of how there was a disagreement and how this worked out when the friend gave his 3rd opinion? - like:

1. did he sometimes think you both were wrong? -
2. what were the disagreements over? - something found in scripture or something not mentioned in scripture?
3. what made you choose this specific friend?

very inspiring post - thank you for sharing

i love how you are committed to living by God's instructions in the bible - makes sense - God's words are alive pure perfect wise

I actually have several disagreements with my Husband, and most of them are not over scriptures, since we live in a community with men and women, married and not, we have "rules" i guess you could call them, about like personal space between couples and singles and what not, and sometimes our disagreements are over boundaries that need to be set, or boundaries that have been crossed. For example, say I was standing way to close for comfort to another brother in my community and my husband didn't appreciate it, he would bring me to the side and we would try to talk it out, but if I was reluctant to adhere to what my husband was asking of me, we would bring in a brother, (probably not the one in which i was too close too) but he would tell his side of the story to the brother and I would tell my side and from there the brother would say whether or not he thinks my husband is being a little to stiff headed or if I am the one being too stiff headed. He uses fair judgement by not being biased to one of us, and just listening for truth in the matter at hand, and usually there are times when, I am being too emotional or my husband is being too impatient, we would apologize for that. But for the most part what Jesus told us to do works really well, especially with How many people we fellowship with, it allows us to truly love one another and respect one another.
We chose who to bring in by random, I guess it's whoever isn't busy or whoever is the closest while we are having a disagreement. We are really just trying to live our lives to the best of our ability!

 

[Knotical]

On one level it is wise to bring in a third party to settle a dispute that you are unable to handle yourselves. However, it would be better to approach an elder or pastor than someone from your same age group, as they would be able to provide better biblical insight.

Also, you should really backup and actually set some boundaries that you are both willing to live with when it comes to interacting with other people. Simply adhering to those boundaries will help you avoid these kinds of conflicts.

 

[follwingchristaslily]

On one level it is wise to bring in a third party to settle a dispute that you are unable to handle yourselves. However, it would be better to approach an elder or pastor than someone from your same age group, as they would be able to provide better biblical insight.

Also, you should really backup and actually set some boundaries that you are both willing to live with when it comes to interacting with other people. Simply adhering to those boundaries will help you avoid these kinds of conflicts.

We go to whoever, it doesn't just need to be a pastor, or someone with "biblical knowledge" that wouldn't help problems in my marriage, and also that was an example, I am not saying that is something I do. I respect the expectations of my marriage, just like he does, but thank you for your advice!

 

[Knotical]

We go to whoever, it doesn't just need to be a pastor, or someone with "biblical knowledge" that wouldn't help problems in my marriage, and also that was an example, I am not saying that is something I do. I respect the expectations of my marriage, just like he does, but thank you for your advice!

The best place, for a Christian couple, to go for advice on conflict resolution in their marriage is either a pastor or elder (sometimes a deacon). Everything else pales in comparison.

 

[follwingchristaslily]

The best place, for a Christian couple, to go for advice on conflict resolution in their marriage is either a pastor or elder (sometimes a deacon). Everything else pales in comparison.

It kinda feel as if you're telling me not to listen to what Jesus says? This has been working for my marriage, I am going to my brothers and sisters, who aren't the same age as me and they know scriptures, I don't think I HAVE to go to a deacon or a pastor. Ephesians 4:11-16 says that we should all be ministers, or learning to be ministers, that is why I believe I don't have to go to someone "who knows scriptures" we should all know scriptures.

I will be continuing to do this because not only does it solve conflicts in my marriage, but it solves conflicts with brothers and sisters, And on top of all of that, Jesus told me to do it. If I want to call myself a christian I must do what Jesus tells me to do. Thank you.

 

[Edward]

I have been married for almost a year, (in January) but I have found something that works wonders in my marriage. There is something that Jesus taught and I would like to call it "solving our differences peacefully" lol, basically Jesus goes in Matthew 18:15-17 and he talks about what to do if your brother sins against you, and he talks about how to forgive your brother and how to talk through the issue with your brother, he mentions it again in Luke 17: 3-4. I found these because my Husband and I were having a very rough time getting through our problems for about a month straight, after we first got married and I felt like we we're just hitting a wall, I felt like I had no where to go and we couldn't talk to one another because we weren't listening to each other. I came upon this while reading the Bible and I showed it to my husband and he agreed with it completely, and so we sat down and we started talking, and when we couldn't come to an agreement we brought in a friend and asked them what they thought about the situation, whether someone needed to apologize or whether the other one was right and the other was wrong, we asked our friend to use fair judgement and to make sure they weren't abusing the position we had given to him. Now we live in a christian community, with other believers so it might be a little easier to do what we do, because we are missionaries. I would still recommend that you all try this.

I hope this helps a few, if anyone sees this. xx

I was married for 26 years, and our communication was good...all the way up until it wasn't. Now, after the fact (and walking with the Lord) I realize that our marriage on this earth is...to teach us how we should be, in our relationship with our Lord. Remember how it was at first? Passions were high, love was flowing...it felt great and we were close, me and my Wife...

I had heard that we should consciously sprinkle our other half with some love every day...That made sense and sounded good to me. SO I concluded that if a sprinkle of love every day was good...then how would it be if I sloshed her with a 5 gallon bucketful every day?! So I did. Maybe that's why it lasted for as long as it did.

I loved her intensely. Still do. and what is money when you have love? And being romantic is really very easy. I wasn't even walking with the Lord then but I kjnew that I could focus my love upon her and send it to her...and she could feel it! At this level of love, it does not matter who is right and who is wrong. Don't sweat the small stuff.

As it turned out...to lift others up higher than you esteem yourself, in love...is exactly what the Lord commands us to do. Someone asks you to go a mile with them? Go two with them. Treat them how you wold want them to treat you. Even if they are having a bad day and do not reciprocate it. You still do it. In humility and humbleness.

SO my best advice is....if you are arguing with your Husband, and it turns out that you are right...Apologize at once!

Doorbell. God bless you.

 

[follwingchristaslily]

I was married for 26 years, and our communication was good...all the way up until it wasn't. Now, after the fact (and walking with the Lord) I realize that our marriage on this earth is...to teach us how we should be, in our relationship with our Lord. Remember how it was at first? Passions were high, love was flowing...it felt great and we were close, me and my Wife...

I had heard that we should consciously sprinkle our other half with some love every day...That made sense and sounded good to me. SO I concluded that if a sprinkle of love every day was good...then how would it be if I sloshed her with a 5 gallon bucketful every day?! So I did. Maybe that's why it lasted for as long as it did.

I loved her intensely. Still do. and what is money when you have love? And being romantic is really very easy. I wasn't even walking with the Lord then but I kjnew that I could focus my love upon her and send it to her...and she could feel it! At this level of love, it does not matter who is right and who is wrong. Don't sweat the small stuff.

As it turned out...to lift others up higher than you esteem yourself, in love...is exactly what the Lord commands us to do. Someone asks you to go a mile with them? Go two with them. Treat them how you wold want them to treat you. Even if they are having a bad day and do not reciprocate it. You still do it. In humility and humbleness.

SO my best advice is....if you are arguing with your Husband, and it turns out that you are right...Apologize at once!

Doorbell. God bless you.

Thank you so much for the advice! I will take it into consideration when/if we have another disagreement. Your thoughts are much appreciated!!

 

[for_his_glory]

In our 21 years of marriage my husband and I have had many disagreements and even yelling matches at times and will probably have more before Christ returns. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, but that at times we both can be a little hard-headed within our disagreements. It's when we both calm down then we can rationally communicate and resolve our indifference's by allowing Christ to be our mediator. One important thing is to never go to bed angry and always be willing to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

 

[Edward]

Ok I'm back. I didn't get to finish where I was going with that. Love is powerful. I used to think that love is a two way street. But it's not. It's a one way street. It's very nice if it turns out that the one you love, loves you in return, but it really has little to do with I love them. I love them. and love is really unconditional. Your love (spouse) might be having a bad day sometimes. Got things on his mind, reliving some childhood thing that hurt them, whatever. and without thinking might bark at his spouse, not really meaning it but just stressed or whatever. Most people bark back at them, and that's how it goes downhill.

Love would recognize what's happening and move to be patient and cheer them up without barking back. In love. I used to try to do that when my Wife was having a bad day. and we have spirits. You can feel them easily when you hug them (or anyone). and there is real communication there an energy exchange. SO even if I knew that I better not go try to hug her right now (or I might get hurt, lol), I'd like, hug her from across the room by just focusing the love, respect and admiration that I have for her, on her and releasing it to her. And it did help quite a few times. Those things are always well received by anyone. And that's what love does when you water the lopve within the marriage instead of putting it on the back burner and arguing about some petty stuff which isn't worth arguing about! Don't sweat the small stuff.

The Lord gave marriage to mankind so that we could learn how to love each other properly. To learn how to behave and obey in a relationship where love is the seed and if you water it, it grows and points us straight to God because He is love. In this way, our marriage is...more unto God than even our spouse! What did we do with it, when He gave us someone to love and cherish? Did we learn to love? Did we grow the love? Were we loving, respectful, loyal and focused...or were we a scoundrel in marriage? We have to remember, in marriage every single thing that we say and do and intimate towards each other, either serves to build the (loved one) other up, or to tear them down.

It feels so good to love someone deeply. All you want to do is spend time with them, build them up, make them smile...that's what love wants to do. ...and that's what our Lord wants to do for us! He loves US, that much.It's all over scripture. Bride of Christ, The Bridegroom...our marriage on earth is a dry run for us to learn to behave and obey in a relationship, for soon we will be living a higher level of marriage covenant with our Lord in Heaven.

If your Husband barks at you, you don't have to bark back. Maybe shrug it off and focus some good love on him and release it to him in spirit (without even speaking anything) and see if you can affect him and cheer him up. You can do it.

I'm rambling, I'll stop now, lol.

 

[Edward]

Thank you so much for the advice! I will take it into consideration when/if we have another disagreement. Your thoughts are much appreciated!!

Thank you Sister. You are so lucky to be walking with the Lord while young and early in your marriage! Cling to Him, Sister! Women was taken out of man. So man is sort of lacking. Well, women too. A man and a woman complete each other. That should be watered every day!

And our relationship with the Lord too! God don't bark at his children or His Bride. Marriage points straight to God. God bless you both Sister. I wish you well.

 

[Edward]

I messed up so bad in my marriage. I'm totally ashamed. By man's standards I did pretty well. I never cheated on her, I wasn't a drunk or a druggie, and I always worked.

ANd there was where I made my mistakes. I thought that as long as I didn't cheat on her and disgrace her, and I stayed out of trouble and worked and paid the bills for us all to live, that I was done. I fulfilled my duty as an honorable man. And when I came from work, my day was over. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Working to eat clothe and pay the bills...isn't life. It is merely a means to an end. Which is marry that sweet girl and be together, do everything together almost, lol. But I was too stupid too see that at the time. I worked all day and didn't cheat, I'm done for the day...

But is her day done? She worked all day too, cleaning house, raising those kids...Can she relax now that I am home from work? No. Her day gets harder when I get home because now she is serving me and cleaning up after me. And I was in no way a spiritual leader to my family.

If I ever get married again, the day begins when I get off work. I think I should (at least) help her a lot more with her work. Women work harder than men do, and longer hours usually. Basically, they cook 365 days a year. Or 364 if I cook for her on her Birthday. But that even sounds lame. How about help her with whatever at least 3 or 4 times a week. Cook the dinner and then help clean it all up. And maybe even cook for her once a week, where she wont have to lift a finger. Go relax. That would be more fair.

Cook for her once a year?! Meh. I must've looked so bad when I did that. She was prolly crying inside thinking about the other 364 days. Even though she acted like I was doing something special, lol. How sweet is that?! And I blew it.

Strangely enough, that is very similar to how many Professing Christians treat God. A 60 second prayer in the morning (or even 10 minutes, whoa!) And go to church for 2 hours a week. Then, see you next Sunday. Boy if I only spent two hours a week with my spouse she wouldn't have stayed 26 years. Prolly would have been gone in two years.

Well God is much more important than our spouse!My next covenant relationship is different than my first. Yes! I had to make it a learning experience or I would have gone insane when she left. ..But then another followed after her...and His name is Jesus and He sticks closer than a Brother!

 

[Knotical]

It kinda feel as if you're telling me not to listen to what Jesus says? This has been working for my marriage, I am going to my brothers and sisters, who aren't the same age as me and they know scriptures, I don't think I HAVE to go to a deacon or a pastor. Ephesians 4:11-16 says that we should all be ministers, or learning to be ministers, that is why I believe I don't have to go to someone "who knows scriptures" we should all know scriptures.

I will be continuing to do this because not only does it solve conflicts in my marriage, but it solves conflicts with brothers and sisters, And on top of all of that, Jesus told me to do it. If I want to call myself a christian I must do what Jesus tells me to do. Thank you.

But do you know the scriptures better than someone who has been studying them for years-decades? The point of going to an elder or pastor is to seek wise biblical counsel, especially when we are unsure of what the bible is telling us in a certain situation. Of course we should listen to Jesus, but He reveals Himself to each of us in different ways, through different scriptures.

When we rely also on biblical counsel from those in leadership of the church we are using the method of iron sharpening iron. This is why we fellowship, go to bible studies, attend worship services etc...

 

[WIP]

I have been married for almost a year, (in January) but I have found something that works wonders in my marriage. There is something that Jesus taught and I would like to call it "solving our differences peacefully" lol, basically Jesus goes in Matthew 18:15-17 and he talks about what to do if your brother sins against you, and he talks about how to forgive your brother and how to talk through the issue with your brother, he mentions it again in Luke 17: 3-4. I found these because my Husband and I were having a very rough time getting through our problems for about a month straight, after we first got married and I felt like we we're just hitting a wall, I felt like I had no where to go and we couldn't talk to one another because we weren't listening to each other. I came upon this while reading the Bible and I showed it to my husband and he agreed with it completely, and so we sat down and we started talking, and when we couldn't come to an agreement we brought in a friend and asked them what they thought about the situation, whether someone needed to apologize or whether the other one was right and the other was wrong, we asked our friend to use fair judgement and to make sure they weren't abusing the position we had given to him. Now we live in a christian community, with other believers so it might be a little easier to do what we do, because we are missionaries. I would still recommend that you all try this.

I hope this helps a few, if anyone sees this. xx

The only comment I would make is to be careful not to focus on determining who may be right or who may be wrong. I have found in my marriage that right and wrong is rarely the real question. The real question is defining how differences of opinion will be resolved.

Here's an example. My wife and I have very different views about raising children. The best way I can explain it from my perspective (this is my opinion) is that my wife's view is that the parents' role is to protect their children. I believe the parents' role is to teach their children how to protect themselves.

Who's right and who's wrong? The bottom line is neither is right or wrong, just different but because we have those differing views, it has caused many struggles between us over the years when our children were growing up. What we had to come to agree to was how to handle our differences for the sake of our family.

 

[follwingchristaslily]

The only comment I would make is to be careful not to focus on determining who may be right or who may be wrong. I have found in my marriage that right and wrong is rarely the real question. The real question is defining how differences of opinion will be resolved.

Here's an example. My wife and I have very different views about raising children. The best way I can explain it from my perspective (this is my opinion) is that my wife's view is that the parents' role is to protect their children. I believe the parents' role is to teach their children how to protect themselves.

Who's right and who's wrong? The bottom line is neither is right or wrong, just different but because we have those differing views, it has caused many struggles between us over the years when our children were growing up. What we had to come to agree to was how to handle our differences for the sake of our family.

I agree with you completely, it's not about who's right and who's wrong. I think in this the point I was trying to get across was that if one of us did something wrong and doesn't want to own up to it to apologize to the other we would like to be told who's right and who's wrong. In an opinion matter like that we just accept each other's opinion and then we move on with our day, the biggest thing that I always try to make sure of is that I'm not pushing my opinion down my husband's throat, so I always ask myself, "is this opinionated, or a spiritual issue?" and it usually helps me discern where I am coming from. Thank you for the advice, I will definitely keep it in mind while I am talking with my husband, it's not about who's right and who's wrong.

 

[Prycejosh1987]

I have been married for almost a year, (in January) but I have found something that works wonders in my marriage. There is something that Jesus taught and I would like to call it "solving our differences peacefully" lol, basically Jesus goes in Matthew 18:15-17 and he talks about what to do if your brother sins against you, and he talks about how to forgive your brother and how to talk through the issue with your brother, he mentions it again in Luke 17: 3-4. I found these because my Husband and I were having a very rough time getting through our problems for about a month straight, after we first got married and I felt like we we're just hitting a wall, I felt like I had no where to go and we couldn't talk to one another because we weren't listening to each other. I came upon this while reading the Bible and I showed it to my husband and he agreed with it completely, and so we sat down and we started talking, and when we couldn't come to an agreement we brought in a friend and asked them what they thought about the situation, whether someone needed to apologize or whether the other one was right and the other was wrong, we asked our friend to use fair judgement and to make sure they weren't abusing the position we had given to him. Now we live in a christian community, with other believers so it might be a little easier to do what we do, because we are missionaries. I would still recommend that you all try this.

I hope this helps a few, if anyone sees this. xx

It sounds good the only problem is in relationships one tends to be more religious than the other. What if you married an atheist or someone of a different faith, i suppose we could communicate the message in a more secular way. I am glad it worked for you. See how the bible helps. Its a guide for life and people generally take that for granted nowadays.