Fear and Desperation

[chazmonro]

in 1983 I was 8 years old and a made for TV movie came out called "The day After" this movie and the hype around it changed my life forever. One day I was a happy 8 year old kid full of joy, the next, I wasn't. The grass wasn't as green, the sky wasn't as blue, and all joy had left me.

This terror which I now call it, has plagued me for 40 years. In the early days I'd convince myself war was coming if I saw army trucks on the highway, or a plane fly over. Just the sound of a helicopter or a tornado siren would trigger me. The 90s were a respite, after the wall fell, but the terror attacks of 9/11 and the wars that followed triggered me again.

When the terror hits the adrenaline flows through me like poison being pumped directly into my veins. I get cold sweats, my stomach drops, and I suddenly feel hopeless and terrified. In fact my mind goes to suicide instantly. One second I'm fine, and in the blink of an eye, I'm thinking about taking my own life.

I'm a believer in Christ Jesus. I know He died for my sins. I know I should be a living sacrifice to Him. I should give my fear over to Him, face the terror and fear and muddle through it to glorify Him. But as things on this planet get darker and darker, these bouts of terror are now hitting me more and more frequently and I can't stop it. I've been medicated for anxiety, seen countless counselors and psychiatrists, I've read all the passages about casting my cares onto Him, but it just keeps coming over and over.

God says to not fear, but I do, so this makes me feel like a failure. I have prayed for God to take my fear away, and He has not. Which I know is probably like Paul's thorn in the side, something I just have to live with. But now that the world is growing so dark and wars are happening and threats are being made and tribulation is coming, I no longer have hope that I'll ever be free of the fear or able to truly rely on Him to get me through it, its just too powerfull. Not too powerful for God, but too powerful for me. I pray to God to take me home, bring me to heaven where I know the fear will be gone. I can't wait to fall at His feet free of this terror. I want it more than anything. And with that in mind lately I've been thinking more and more about really taking my own life. Which I know sounds completely insane, but you have to understand I have no hope of being free of this on this side of heaven. But what kind of Christian thinks that way? What kind of selfish person would do that to his friends and family? Where in that thought process is the holy spirit? I've known Jesus my whole life, seen Him work in my life a million times, but this... this sounds like something a goat would do. Would I trade this fear and terror for the eternal fear and terror of hell? Would I be one of those who Jesus would say "I never knew you" to? I'm so scared of being one of those who thinks he is saved, but isn't. I mean a real christian wouldn't have fear like this would they? A real christian wouldn't want to get out of here like I do, would they? I know I can't face a real nuclear war, I just know I can't. And I won't. I've known for a long time, if it happens, I'm not sticking around for it. And now, now I don't even want to stick around to experience the fear of it anymore. Where does that leave me with God? Am I so broken and lost that I'm doomed? Am I doomed if I live and if I die?

 

[hawkman]

A real christian wouldn't want to get out of here like I do, would they?

I have wanted to flee from my fears but the Holy Spirit took hold of me and showed me running was not the answer .
I was much like you fearing things that I could do nothing about but pray , cast your fears on God do not hold on to them . I accepted that what ever was to come in my life God would be there with me !

English Standard Version
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Psalm 27
1The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 118:6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

 

[ari.sketch]

Hi,
Please know that you are not alone in this. Fear and doubt has gripped all of us at one time or another, and, truth be told, everyone still struggles with it from time to time.

I'm going through a dark time in my life at the moment, I do feel fear and doubts (about my salvation), and there were moments of strong suicidal thoughts as well - and you are right, taking our lives is not the answer, we need to be strong enough to go another day, for us, for our family, for those around us.

Can I ask if you belong and rooted to a church?
Have you seek counselling with your church leader or pastor?
As much as we want, and will do our best, to help you, I find that being in a community of believers and have that physical interaction will help tremendously.

If this has been going on for years, there may be an evil spirit behind this as well - please know that we have an enemy that wants to steal, kill, and destroy. But we have an even greater God.

Through my dark time, which I'm currently still in, I find going back to God's word really help.
Reading the Bible, meditating on it, personalizing His words in my life, trying to interact with God throughout the day.

I have also been listening to sermons and teachings which also help.
I'm reminded of one in particular as I read your story,

There are days when I'm OK, and there are days where I feel I'm just barely hanging by a thread, but God is good, He has a great plan for us, and He can use your storms in life to help and guide those who will go through the same storms as you did.

 

[for_his_glory]

2Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

In Matthew 24 Jesus has already told us about all those things that must come first before He returns as we are not to fear that which is already here and that which is yet to come, even if we are killed for the sake of Christ. These are the times of sorrow, but also a time of building up a greater faith and trust in the Lord as He walks beside us the whole way. Even if we are killed we will be with the Lord forever which is great then being here on this earth that God will destroy and renew again as the Heavenly New Jerusalem will be our home for all eternity and no evil can enter into it, Rev 21:1-8. Here are some scriptures to help you learn and also read Psalms 91.


Matthew 10:28 And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.

Mat 24:13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

John 15:18 If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
John 15:19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.
John 15:20 Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also.
John 15:21 But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me.

Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Hebrews 13:6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

 

[Tenchi]

I'm a believer in Christ Jesus. I know He died for my sins. I know I should be a living sacrifice to Him. I should give my fear over to Him, face the terror and fear and muddle through it to glorify Him. But as things on this planet get darker and darker, these bouts of terror are now hitting me more and more frequently and I can't stop it. I've been medicated for anxiety, seen countless counselors and psychiatrists, I've read all the passages about casting my cares onto Him, but it just keeps coming over and over.

Fear is powerfully and easily habit-forming. Is God more powerful than the biochemistry and easy habit of fear? If I've long been in the practice of anxiety, neurotic thinking, paranoia and stark panic, is there any hope in God for freedom from these things? Absolutely. The one vital stipulation, though, is that we follow God's prescription, His "way of escape," from such things.

What is that way? Well, you've touched on part of it, briefly, in the quotation from your OP above:

"I know I should be a living sacrifice to Him."

The freedom that God would give to His children from things like fear is the by-product of fellowship with Him. But that fellowship is of a very particular sort, defined and ordered by God, not us. He says to us that if we want fellowship with Him, it is obtained by approaching Him His way. What is that way? It is the way of:

Knowledge
Faith
Love
Submission
Holiness

We can't walk with an unknown God. We can't trust in a God who is mostly a stranger to us, nor can we stand by faith on who we are in Him, nor count on His promises to us, when we are ignorant of the facts about these things. All that we might have in fellowship with God is predicated on a thorough knowledge of Him and His Truth revealed to us in the Bible. (Psalms 1; Psalms 119:11, 105, 130; Matthew 4:4; 1 Peter 2:2; 2 Timothy 3;16-17; Romans 10:14; 2 Timothy 1:12)

"Without faith it is impossible to please God..." "The just shall live by faith." "We walk by faith, not by sight." (Hebrews 11:6; Hebrews 4:2; 2 Corinthians 5:7; Romans 1:17; Galatians 3:12) Fellowship with God requires faith, it requires believing Him despite what my feelings, or experience, press me to believe; it means choosing, by an act of my will, based on the facts of God's word, to stand unmoved upon God's Truth. (Romans 6:11; Hebrews 3:12; Hebrews 10:38-39)

The First and Great Commandment of God is not to fear Him, or attend church, or pray, or give to charity, or "be nice" to others, but to love God with all of my being (Matthew 22:36-38). In fact, anything that I think to do for, or with, God MUST come out of love for Him; for if it doesn't, God says to us in His word that "it profits nothing."

1 Corinthians 13:1-3
1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

What is "love for God"? Desire. A strong, over-riding desire to know and fellowship with God. Love isn't a romantic feeling; love isn't sentimental emotions marked by tears; love isn't gratefulness; love isn't obeying God's laws. Love for God is a longing for Him; it is a driving thirst for Him; it is a hunger to know and enjoy Him. This desire should grow and overtake all else in the believer's life, prompting them to remove from their life all hindrances to fellowship with Him, whatever the cost.

God is God. He interacts with us only as Superior to inferior, as Lord and King to servant and vessel, as Shepherd to sheep, Father to children, Vine to branch (John 15:4-5; John 10:7-11; 2 Timothy 2:21; Romans 8:15). God calls the shots; He controls us; He commands our living - or, He ought to. Not to live constantly under God's control is, in those moments when we aren't, to be a rebel toward Him. And so long as we are rebels toward God, His fellowship with us and His transformation of us is halted. This rebellion isn't always obvious and gross - rape, or murder, or adultery, or robbing a bank - but happens whenever we embrace our fear, or anger, or lust; when we justify our hatred of another; when we tell ourselves lies about our favorite sins and indulge in them; when we neglect God and dally with the World instead. What is God's prescription for those who have drifted into rebellion toward Him and cut themselves off from joyful fellowship with Him?

James 4:4-10
4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
5 Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: "He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"?
6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

"Without holiness no man shall see God" (Hebrews 12:14b) Our sin unconfessed, sin from which we have not repented, stalls our walk with God, halting His transformation of us, and His filling of us with Himself. But without this filling, we can't ever win free of the things that bind us, that crowd us into the darkness and misery of sin. We must "see God" and in so doing, be transformed and liberated from ourselves, the Ultimate Source of all our sin (2 Corinthians 3:18; Hebrews 12:1-3). But such "sight" rests upon a life set apart unto God, free from willful sin, constantly under the control of the Holy Spirit. This is what it is to "walk in/by the Spirit."

Galatians 5:16
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.

Here, then, is God's "way of escape" from any and all things that would bring us into bondage. His freedom, though, is always to the end of our being more and more under His authority and control. Being in "bondage" to God is the "bondage" for which we were made, you see. But in "bondage" to God we find liberty and life, joy and deep fulfillment!

Psalm 16:11
11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

John 17:13
13 "But now I come to You; and these things I speak in the world so that they may have My joy made full in themselves.

Romans 14:17
17 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

 

[Who Me]

Which I know sounds completely insane, but you have to understand I have no hope of being free of this on this side of heaven.

I understand that certain noises or sights brings on extreme panic attacks, there is no mention in your post of your seeking medical help, both counselling and methods to reduce or control your panic, or of medication to controll your panic.

P.ease see your doctor.

 

[Tenchi]

Where does that leave me with God? Am I so broken and lost that I'm doomed? Am I doomed if I live and if I die?

Clearly, you've posted what you have in this forum, not because you want worldly, secular "remedies" for your situation, but godly, Christ-centered, biblical answers. You could have gone to a myriad of online places for secular strategies in dealing with your fear, but you came to a Christian forum, looking for spiritual answers. And God has them for you in His word. See my post above.

It might be worth saying that I don't speak theoretically about God's "way of escape" from fear, in particular. Decades ago in my twenties, I was deeply mired in anxiety, depression and obsessiveness (these all tend to go together). I endured chain panic-attacks, insomnia, swallowing issues, and deeply-obsessive thinking for years until I began to follow God's way to freedom. As I did, He set me entirely free of the terrible darkness into which I had descended. It was a process but it was deep and enduring. He can do for you what He did for me. No godless "counseling" or drugs required.

 

[Anaphora]

Gods Elect, Zadok.
it seems to me you lack faith and your spirtualty dead. Your not reprobate. Your walking in darkness.
Acts 2618 . To open thier eyes, and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and inheritance among those who are sanctified by Faith in Me.
My friend, the essential ingredient is faith !.
Satan uses arsenal of tactics on Christian people to sabotage their faith or ability to attain knowledge of Gods word.
Satan doesn't want spirtual growth !.
Listening to misguided preachers is one way to walk in darkness. Satan sends false brethren to contaminate God's word. It poisons people minds.
Secular humanism is another tactic of satan. And mediums, who predict the future or contact the dead. This is from satan. Get the picture.
Mark 9:24 . Man asked Jesus to help with his Unbelief. Jesus was getting ready to cast out demon from a possessed boy. His earthly father lacked faith.
Psalm chapter 28:7. The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.
Repent sins to God, and ask Jesus