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Finally working, but it seems as though my wife doesn't want to do any housework

B

Boidae21

Member
This is going to be long, so please bear with me.

I have finally landed a job after almost a year of being unemployed. My hours keep me out of the home till after 7pm and I go in at 9am.

I am still having to come home and do the dishes, cook dinner, clean the house and other household responsibilities. With my wife only working one day a week I think that she could at least do some of the housework.

Now, she is pregnant and she does have multiple sclerosis, but she is still able to do things. She is just coming into the middle of the second trimester and her MS is in remission because she is pregnant. Yes, the quietest time for a women that has MS is generally when they are pregnant.

I don't mind doing some of the housework, but when I come home and I don't get to sit down to eat till close to 9pm because I have had to do things before hand, I think there is something wrong. I also do not think that it's healthy for me to eat that late because of the fact that I am in bed around 10:30pm.

When I wasn't working, I still did the housework because it was my duty to as the house husband. If I'm not working, it's my responsibility to contribute in some way and that was by doing the housework. Even then she only worked at most 3 days a week, but mainly 1-2 days a week.

We are both Christians, we believe in mutual submission, but it seems as though I am the one that's doing all the submitting. When I bring it up to her she says I am only trying to control her. She starts to cry and then it frustrates me even more. When I wasn't working it seemed as though we were mutually submitting to each other, but now that I am working it seems to have changed.

I will say it again, I don't mind doing some of the housework now that I am working. I am not asking her to do it all, just some so that there isn't so much when I get home. I realize that she is pregnant and that she has MS, but I cannot do it all anymore.

We cannot do counseling as even though I am working now, I barely make over minimum wage and cannot afford it at this time. We also tried counseling before and my wife while she listened to what the counselor had to say, she never put it into action. None of the churches around here do free counseling.

We have also read christian books such as "Love and Respect," The 5 Love Languages," and "Sacred Marriage." They too didn't seem to help at all. We discovered that I was doing my wife's love language already and that she needed to do more of mine, but she refuses to do so.

Currently we're not attending church because I work both Saturdays and Sundays. So I am unable to approach a pastor about this.

So at this point I am at a loss for what to do.

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Well... I'll tell you what my wife does to me when she needs a little bit more help from me and I'm not pitching in as much as she thinks I should be. She nags and lets me know about it. Actually, it's pretty effective :wave

It's not about love and respect or love languages or any of that other stuff. It's about sharing the responsibilities around the house that need to be done. Sounds like you need to nag at her a bit and let he know that it's not fair that you work all day and then have to come home and still do the cooking and cleaning etc. She needs to step up to the plate.

Boy, I really do sound like my wife :lol
 
StoveBolts said:
Well... I'll tell you what my wife does to me when she needs a little bit more help from me and I'm not pitching in as much as she thinks I should be. She nags and lets me know about it. Actually, it's pretty effective :wave

It's not about love and respect or love languages or any of that other stuff. It's about sharing the responsibilities around the house that need to be done. Sounds like you need to nag at her a bit and let he know that it's not fair that you work all day and then have to come home and still do the cooking and cleaning etc. She needs to step up to the plate.

Boy, I really do sound like my wife :lol
Click to expand...

While I haven't nagged (my wife doesn't nag me, so why should I nag her) I have let her know that she has responsibilities in the house that I can no longer fulfill because I am working.

She said that I am trying to control her. That there is no reason why I can't do these things when I get home.
 
Boidae21 said:
While I haven't nagged (my wife doesn't nag me, so why should I nag her) I have done let her know that she has responsibilities in the house that I can no longer fulfill because I am working.

She said that I am trying to control her. That there is no reason why I can't do these things when I get home.
Click to expand...

I don't nag my wife, but that doesn't stop her from nagging me :biglol

Ok, then stop doing them once in awhile so she realized what you do. I know when I need to do a bit more than help clear the table after dinner because she leaves me little hints, like not making coffee in the morning.

Sounds like your in some kind of a power struggle with her. Maybe this isn't the best advice, but next time just make yourself something to eat and don't do the dishes. She has to realize that you can't do everything, and that you need her help. This doesn't mean that she has to take on all of the responsibilities, but she has to help you with them.
 
I don't nag my wife, but that doesn't stop her from nagging me :biglol
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Sending this to your home address :grumpy
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​

Boidae21 dont do the house work. The place will not cave in just do do it.

Pregnant and MS .. wow pregnant is not the same for each of us ... tired is a real side effect of growing that baby.
I think some of us girl types take lessons on how to cry, and when to cry, to get the effect we THINK we want.
You have a few months to work on this before the baby i pray you fix it now it will become harder.
 
reba said:
Sending this to your home address :grumpy
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​
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Hey, I'm not complaining. Sometimes I need a good naggin! :rollingpin

I'm not saying that I particularly look forward to a good naggin, or that I especially enjoy it... But I think that's kind of the point. ;)

Just so nobody gets the wrong idea, my wife is not known for nagging. Maybe that's why it's so effective when she does. :wave
 
I know what it's like to be pregnant. (three times) I don't know what's it's like to have MS.

Pregnancy...hormones raging...very sensitive to being hurt emotionally...TIRED!!

Since you have talked to her about how you feel and she said she doesn't see why you can't do it....I would just do what is necessary to get by. As Reba said...the house is still going to be there. Perhaps...and I say perhaps...she may do some of it during the day if it's not done. If all you get done is dinner...then that's all you get done.

I give you kudos for cleaning it and taking care of it!!

As far as nagging...... I am more of a reinforce positive behavior kind of person.

You can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.

What does she do during the day? If she is doing something to do with the housework then tell how much you appreciate what she has done.
 
Boidae21 said:
She's 30 and we have been married for 2 1/2 years. I am 37 years old.
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Ok...I just wanted to make sure she wasn't a teen.

As Reba stated....once the baby comes things will be more complicated. Who will be getting up in the middle of the night with the baby? That lack of sleep with a new baby really wears out a person.

I guess you will need to learn how not to be so efficient and let more things go. I would say she became accustomed to you doing everything. You need to stop doing so much and close your eyes to some of it. She either will pick up the slack, or she won't.

Are you by any chance a neat freak and she isn't?
 
Thirstyone said:
Ok...I just wanted to make sure she wasn't a teen.

As Reba stated....once the baby comes things will be more complicated. Who will be getting up in the middle of the night with the baby? That lack of sleep with a new baby really wears out a person.

I guess you will need to learn how not to be so efficient and let more things go. I would say she became accustomed to you doing everything. You need to stop doing so much and close your eyes to some of it. She either will pick up the slack, or she won't.

Are you by any chance a neat freak and she isn't?
Click to expand...

I wouldn't call myself a neat freak. Our apartment is pretty cluttered because we just don't have a whole lot of room in here for things. She likes a clean place, but is willing to let things go. I am willing to let things go, but to a point.

We just had pest control in here because I have been finding more and more roaches, but I know that they're not coming from here, but other apartments in our building. There are a total of 12 apartments in our building alone with a total of 18 buildings.

My hope is that we'll both be getting up in the middle of the night and it's not just thrown all on me.
 
Dude, she's pregnant. Cut her some slack. A baby is heavy, and it's not like she can just set it down when she wants a break... she's carrying it 24/7. Plus MS sounds painful, so perhaps a bit of sympathy towards her is in order.

Just hire a local teenager to come in and do some of the housecleaning a couple days a week, to keep on top of things. And it's possible to lower the bar on the level of cleanliness a bit! You can let some things slide; entropy is a natural thing. There's a difference between sanitary and neat. The former is essential, the latter is just a luxury. As for dinner, cut down on the level of work required. Sandwiches or microwave pizza are both simple and take no time. For more complex meals, cook a large batch on your day off and freeze it in meal-sized containers.

Remember, most single people work full time and still take care of all their housework and cook for themselves, all without any help.
 
DarkHorseRising said:
Dude, she's pregnant. Cut her some slack. A baby is heavy, and it's not like she can just set it down when she wants a break... she's carrying it 24/7. Plus MS sounds painful, so perhaps a bit of sympathy towards her is in order.

Just hire a local teenager to come in and do some of the housecleaning a couple days a week, to keep on top of things. And it's possible to lower the bar on the level of cleanliness a bit! You can let some things slide; entropy is a natural thing. There's a difference between sanitary and neat. The former is essential, the latter is just a luxury. As for dinner, cut down on the level of work required. Sandwiches or microwave pizza are both simple and take no time. For more complex meals, cook a large batch on your day off and freeze it in meal-sized containers.

Remember, most single people work full time and still take care of all their housework and cook for themselves, all without any help.
Click to expand...

So you're saying that she shouldn't have to do anything in the home?

I'm sorry, but just sandwiches and pizza are not good for you when you eat them the majority of the time. I'm not a teenager anymore. When I was a teenager, eating that would be fine. This is no longer the case.

Not going to hire a local teenager to come in and do housework. I'm not going to pay someone else to do what can be done by those living in the house.

I already said that I'm not expecting her to do it all, but at least meeting me somewhere in the middle is an option which she is choosing not to do. On the days where she isn't not having a bad day which is more days than bad, she can do more than sit and watch TV or go out with her friends. If she is able to go out with her friends that day, there is no reason why she couldn't do a couple things around the apartment.
 
Boidae21 said:
This is going to be long, so please bear with me.

I have finally landed a job after almost a year of being unemployed. My hours keep me out of the home till after 7pm and I go in at 9am.

I am still having to come home and do the dishes, cook dinner, clean the house and other household responsibilities. With my wife only working one day a week I think that she could at least do some of the housework.

Now, she is pregnant and she does have multiple sclerosis, but she is still able to do things. She is just coming into the middle of the second trimester and her MS is in remission because she is pregnant. Yes, the quietest time for a women that has MS is generally when they are pregnant.

I don't mind doing some of the housework, but when I come home and I don't get to sit down to eat till close to 9pm because I have had to do things before hand, I think there is something wrong. I also do not think that it's healthy for me to eat that late because of the fact that I am in bed around 10:30pm.

When I wasn't working, I still did the housework because it was my duty to as the house husband. If I'm not working, it's my responsibility to contribute in some way and that was by doing the housework. Even then she only worked at most 3 days a week, but mainly 1-2 days a week.

We are both Christians, we believe in mutual submission, but it seems as though I am the one that's doing all the submitting. When I bring it up to her she says I am only trying to control her. She starts to cry and then it frustrates me even more. When I wasn't working it seemed as though we were mutually submitting to each other, but now that I am working it seems to have changed.

I will say it again, I don't mind doing some of the housework now that I am working. I am not asking her to do it all, just some so that there isn't so much when I get home. I realize that she is pregnant and that she has MS, but I cannot do it all anymore.

We cannot do counseling as even though I am working now, I barely make over minimum wage and cannot afford it at this time. We also tried counseling before and my wife while she listened to what the counselor had to say, she never put it into action. None of the churches around here do free counseling.

We have also read christian books such as "Love and Respect," The 5 Love Languages," and "Sacred Marriage." They too didn't seem to help at all. We discovered that I was doing my wife's love language already and that she needed to do more of mine, but she refuses to do so.

Currently we're not attending church because I work both Saturdays and Sundays. So I am unable to approach a pastor about this.

So at this point I am at a loss for what to do.

modify_inline.gif
Click to expand...


This is NOT an unusual scenario. I'm going to hazard a guess and say you're both under 30?


I have an excercise for you.
  1. Draw a pyramid style triangle on a piece of paper.
  2. Put a 'G' at the top for God.
  3. Put a 'W' in one bottom corner for Wife.
  4. Put an 'H' in the other bottom corner for Husband.
Now modern marriage counselling is going to say you have to work with each other to resolve your problem. Some say you have to go more than half way, some say to go half way. You seem to think you are doing what 80 - 90% ?
OK so whatever the % is that you feel it should be or you want it to be, make a vertical line at the point on the bottom line of the pyrimid where you think that % should be. Now on either side of that line, put the W and H to represent who is responsible for what %. So it may look like the following;
_______________________________H|W__________________
​
So this would appear to be 60% for you and 40% for your wife. It's an example, but let's say you and her agree to this? Do you see anything problematic here?

...to be continued after you respond.
 
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