[__ Prayer __] forgive me my un-forgiveness

[Christ_empowered]

Prayer request. Part of my "mental illness" is harboring anger, bitterness, and resentment because of the way I was treated, especially by "mental health professionals."

I've been praying about it. Praying for what I need to forgive 70x7 and beyond, etc. And yet...

...still kinda angry. And not forgiving.

I was labeled as "severely narcissistic" and such at age 20. Now, I'm 32 and I'm labeled "severely Bipolar I." The shrinks who labeled the personality disorder "shared their opinions" with lots of people, so I've been considered NPD by people I've never even spoken a single word to. The "experts" thought a couple years of suffering would be good for me, after a disastrous hospitalization (complete with untreated sleeping pill OD, btw). Thing is...I had both physical and mental health problems, both of which went untreated, while loads of people were cruel to me in the name of "humbling experiences."

Well...I got saved (miracle!) 3 1/2 years ago. Now, my physical problems (which went untreated) seem to have...resolved. I even have great skin, which is usually a good indicator of overall health. The mental problems...respond to meds, which isn't the case with personality disorders (supposedly).

--sigh-- People in this neighborhood taunt me a lot, sometimes with stuff from my psych records. "He ain't Bipolar! He's Schizophrenic!" That's not terrible--I mean, severe Bipolar I, schizophrenia; what's the difference?--but "Schizophrenia," for me, is more a social role than a diagnosis per se. I'm labeled "Schizophrenic," so these people expect me to exist in a certain way, and now I'm (still) considered "uppity" because I pretty much do what I wanna do (nothing illegal).

Blah blah blah...I hold on to a lot of anger and sadness from the past and its made worse by the ongoing taunting. It gets rough. Yesterday, some lady next door said "You can tell what (my former shrink) did to him just by looking at him!" See what I mean? Just downright cruel, all the time.

So, please: pray that I can do this. Move forward. Turn the other cheek. Forgive 70x7 and beyond. Forgive the small debt, since my massive debt has been completely forgiven.

Thanks.

 

[Knotical]

It is best just to give it all to God, as He is ultimately the One whom they are sinning against as apparently they have bore false witness against you as to your condition. God has certainly brought you through a tremendous trial. Be sure to be on the lookout as He may use your past experience to bless someone else who may have gone through the same, or similar, situation. He tends to do things like that.

As for forgiveness, continually pray to God to take the anger from you, which will involve dealing with your pride, so that you will be able to come to a place where you are ready to forgive anyone who may have transgressed against you.

 

[Edward]

I will. I know it can be hard to forgive people sometimes, even though one tries. Some that I know stole a lot of my property and every time that I'd work through it and forgive them in my heart, they'd come back around and steal more from me and stir up more trouble and dastardly deeds, angering me to my core and bringing everything back to the surface again.

I've always been a little short-fused and many times before I'd snap in anger...and say things that I would regret later when alone again, and those scriptures would jump out at me, reminding me that with what judgement I use will be used against me, don't return evil for evil, 70X7...and leave me feeling miserable...

So I keep reminding myself, it's not them, but the enemy bringing spiritual attacks against me. We wrestle not with flesh and blood but with spirits and principalities...so begin a new forgiveness regimen and try again...it's hard, Brother...

So I can totally relate Brother, and being in agreement with you, I will pray for you. Pray for me too.

 

[Eugene]

.
Brother Christ_empowered, I submit the following excerpt from the Youth Camp seminar this year I’m transcribing I hope will add a bit of incentive to recognize as a most important need in your spiritual walk to grow in grace, and a real experiential knowledge of our Lord Jesus. If at the point of receiving God’s vision of us having His very best in Jesus we deny Him the point of taking us through the storms He allows in our lives we fail in becoming His prisoner, but remain a captive unto the world’s thoughts of an eye for an eye it will undoubtedly cause great harm to you. I sort of think of it as me judging my old nature as better than the world when I see me as me as being different, and yet not exhibiting it as Jesus has forgiven us. Blessings in Jesus.

“I want to go into now one particular point concerning the flesh. As we know there are many, many traits and characteristics of our flesh and we will mention some of those as we go on here, but I especially want to concentrate on the fact that grace gives us power to forgive, and every one of us must have that power at one time or another. If you’re sitting here in this audience and say well, nobody’s ever done anything that I need to forgive, well maybe you better watch out before you get to your car in the parking lot because there will be some kind of a major infraction often times and we must have power to forgive.

This is something that has defeated many Christians down through the years because they simply held on to their bitterness, they have held on to an unforgiving spirit, they have not laid hold of the grace of God and it will absolutely eat a person alive if they do not forgive. Forgiving other people is not an option; we must understand that, and so Paul gives the conclusion here in Ephesians 4:32. He says be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

I want to notice before we enlarge on this verse, and really bring it home to our own hearts, I want to see the foundation that Paul laid in leading up to it, and this is a wonderful portion that we must understand, and when we understand the foundation then we understand how much even more important it is unto us, and so to do that this begins actually in Eph 4:1 where that Paul says: I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord. Now we can see that Paul has already met with these conditions in his own life. He’s already given himself to the Lord. Notice that he doesn’t call himself a prisoner of Rome; I’m a prisoner of the Lord. He has submitted himself so much he has given himself willingly so much to the Lord that he is like the Macedonian saints; he is indeed a prisoner of the Lord, and he says I beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation, or the calling wherewith you are called."

Gene Hawkins

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks for the excellent replies.

Pride is still an issue. At this point, I'm under the impression that full on NPD is not the issue, but...just --not-- having diagnosably pathological pride isn't sufficient for the Christian walk (although it is a very, very good development, and I'm thankful).

I'll keep on praying and doing what I can to put my prayer in action. I'm blessed beyond measure, and I think this un-forgiveness has blinded me to how good The Lord is to His children, me included.

Thanks again.

 

[Eugene]

I know it can be hard to forgive people sometimes, even though one tries. Some that I know stole a lot of my property and every time that I'd work through it and forgive them in my heart, they'd come back around and steal more from me and stir up more trouble and dastardly deeds, angering me to my core and bringing everything back to the surface again.

Hi Brother Edward, this brings up another portion of the seminar by Gene Hawkins I'm transcribing I think very pertinent to the battle we encounter at times when forgiving.

"Now understand also this, just because you forgive a person doesn’t mean you trust him; that has to be built. If a person has ever broken a trust, if a person has ever been guilty of abuse, infraction, if a person has ever done anything to warrant forgiveness, trust has to be built back. It can, but you can forgive a person without trusting them, and people need to understand that because sometimes they equate it as being the same, and they are not. So we must forgive for our own protection. If a person has an unforgiving heart, an unforgiving spirit, he will hold onto anger, he will let it slip into bitterness and go in all sorts of direction that produce very unsavory characteristics, and so, how do we forgive? Forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you. This is something that the world simply does not understand."

 

[Angel]

Praying brother

 

[AirDancer]

Psalm 62 is a great comfort to me at various times. Vs 1 & 2 were quickly memorized, and when I need that momentary re-focus of mind, I recite them. Talk about refreshing!

My soul waits in silence for God only; From Him is my salvation.
2 He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.

3 How long will you assail a man,
That you may murder him, all of you,
Like a leaning wall, like a tottering fence?
4 They have counseled only to thrust him down from his high position;
They delight in falsehood;
They bless with their mouth,
But inwardly they curse. Selah.

5 My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
7 On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah.

9 Men of low degree are only vanity and men of rank are a lie;
In the balances they go up;
They are together lighter than breath.
10 Do not trust in oppression
And do not vainly hope in robbery;
If riches increase, do not set your heart upon them.

11 Once God has spoken;
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God;
12 And lovingkindness is Yours, O Lord,
For You recompense a man according to his work.

 

[KevinK]

I have that, too. Anger and stuff, harbored. I just vent it off now. However, I tell myself a joke that someday the police are going to find a body with the number 491 on it ([70x7] + 1]).

 

[Edward]

Hi Brother Edward, this brings up another portion of the seminar by Gene Hawkins I'm transcribing I think very pertinent to the battle we encounter at times when forgiving.

"Now understand also this, just because you forgive a person doesn’t mean you trust him; that has to be built. If a person has ever broken a trust, if a person has ever been guilty of abuse, infraction, if a person has ever done anything to warrant forgiveness, trust has to be built back. It can, but you can forgive a person without trusting them, and people need to understand that because sometimes they equate it as being the same, and they are not. So we must forgive for our own protection. If a person has an unforgiving heart, an unforgiving spirit, he will hold onto anger, he will let it slip into bitterness and go in all sorts of direction that produce very unsavory characteristics, and so, how do we forgive? Forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you. This is something that the world simply does not understand."

That's correct Brother and good advice for all. I told one thief once, that, I forgive him for stealing from me...and a short while later, he asks to borrow money! When I said no, he said I thought you said that you forgive me. I said, that's right but it doesn't mean that I trust you...lol. He got mad of course.

I'm getting pretty good at not becoming angry but I can't help not having thoughts about... bringing revenge to them. I was good at revenge when I was younger. That's pretty much all these type people respect is mutual assured evil. But I now know in my heart that vengeance is the Lord's and that it would please Him if I obeyed that, and not return evil for evil.

 

[JPPT1974]

Yeah as really it is about trying to handle your anger. Do it in a way that is Godly but also do it in a way to get to your point. As well as remember God is watching us. Even if others do not and we even fool ourselves. God does and sees our hearts no matter what.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks again for the additional responses.

See, for me...part of it is just growing up. My brain turned to mush around 19 and then I was (involuntarily) electro-shocked at 20 and again at 23. I'm 32 now, and I've only now "recovered," and only by the grace of God. Point is...

...well, the world is rough. People are often rude, cruel, sadistic, etc. I only recently left the la-la-land I'd been thrust into by the shock "treatments," so this is sort of...well, a rude awakening. I mean, it could be Terrible, and this is much better, but...wow.

I'm still praying about my pride and anger. I think those 2 are big for me right now. Weird thing...the shock didn't take the anger away, I just couldn't sense it. At all. Strange, huh? Now that I've recovered, I can sense it better, and I can pray about it and ask for prayer.

Of course, as JPPT pointed out, anger is not always sinful. I just cannot do sinful things because of the anger, or allow the anger to rule (and ruin) my life.